The dumper's side...

[lonegirl]

First of all, forgive my english as i'm not a native speaker... This is my first post, and i'm reading these forums back and forth for over a month now.

 

I ended up a very emotional relationship recently, 2 months ago, and yes i was the dumper... even still having strong feelings for him. I thought i could write a bit for some of you that were left by your partners in showing how truly sometimes a dumper feels. Also, i'm very emotional right now and thought it could help me to relieve.

 

I loved this man with all my heart. He was the love of my life, and I know i will never love someone again like i loved him. But he destroyed me, fast and slowly at the same time.

 

We lived in different places, very far away from each other, and i could stay with him, physical presence, only 6 months/year, when i traveled all the times to stay with him (he didn't come to my place once, never). Was a 3 year old relationship in total.

 

Since the beginning it was hard. He always played hot and cold games, more cold than hot. Every small argument, he locked himself and ignored me for days, even when it was not my fault. I was the one to fix any fight, no matter who started and what caused. He abused me physically 2 times, emotionally another bunch and made it clear his male friend was more important than me. Lied to me a lot, etc. I had my faults too... I needed this man so much that i gave my whole life to him. I got us a house with some saved money i had, and some nice furniture so we could have a lovely home when we could get married... and 11 days later he made a scene in front of his friend and spanked me. Still have a scar on my knee til today.

 

I still decided to be with him for more 6 months after that. I was willing to forget it all and restart, even if i needed to change anything on myself that was causing any kind of problem, being needy, clingy, asking to please don't lock himself when i needed him... i wanted to try and be a better girl, even if it meant to change my personality completely. But then, one day... i realized i was being stupid. He, afterall, didn't respect me.

 

One day we were talking normal, and i wasn't at his home... he somehow broke his phone and got mad at me. I did nothing... was just talking about other things when he messed it up. He decided it was a good reason to punish me and went silent for two days. After that i didn't come back. Something changed inside me, and i thought it was enough suffering for a whole lifetime. The silent treatments were always my biggest issue with him. They could last weeks, and no matter what caused them... i had to beg to please talk to me as to him it didn't matter at all if we never spoke again.

 

So i broke up... he then started to beg me to come back, he lost weight, he promised to kill himself, he cried, he apologized, he said he would change, he said i was the best he had and that i made him a better person... it didn't work. Made me sad he only tried to mend things and show true care after i decided to move on. Not that i didn't and don't love him. I still do, these things don't vanish this fast... but he made me grow tired of him and i don't trust him anymore. He scares me, and i don't wanna be into so unbalanced relationship. He has all the power and i'm just a follower.

 

From a dumper's side... it IS hard to move on. I miss him. I wanna die when i remember my life with someone i loved was about to start... i miss the dogs we adopted together, miss the house very much, miss his eyes looking at me, and miss to hug him, miss the good moments. But i MUST move on. I must restart, and i wish he can do it too.

 

Right now, we are 3 weeks with complete no contact. I'm talking already to another guy, and i don't know the future but i'm aware nobody will ever replace my ex in my heart. But i must survive, move on and I deserve to be happy after everything i passed through. And even if he hurt me so bad, i wish him to find someone else that makes him happy as well.

 

I'm sorry the long message. Not always the dumper is a bitch, or a jerk. There are many small things behind a break up. We dumpers are not cold-hearted persons in all cases.

 

Wish you all the best and that your hearts can be healed soon, as i wish mine too.

[shobee87]

You are kidding me right? You seriously can't be feeling guilt for leaving what sounds to be a horrific relationship.

 

Sounds to me like you escaped and you're very lucky to of done.

[heartbroken1357]

thanks for posting this, it takes alot of courage to do what you did, and post here about the physical abuse, your head knows you're better off without him, in time your heart will follow, as it did for my previous relationship and first love, times a great healer!

[Misfortune]

This was abuse and a forced dump. You had no choice but to leave. It wasn't something you really wanted so, it would hurt to lose it. You got to the point of the resentment like a true dumper and, you're able to recover/move on quicker by using that resentment. Sorry about what you went through. Did his friend say anything when he spanked you? Sounds like he has a few issues that need to be taken care of. Was he in therapy?

[lonegirl]

This was abuse and a forced dump. You had no choice but to leave. It wasn't something you really wanted so, it would hurt to lose it. You got to the point of the resentment like a true dumper and, you're able to recover/move on quicker by using that resentment. Sorry about what you went through. Did his friend say anything when he spanked you? Sounds like he has a few issues that need to be taken care of. Was he in therapy?

 

His friend ran away home and left us "solve". In the end, he stayed by his side. I somehow think he was jealous, as he was his only friend and he has no family or girlfriend himself. I had nobody around to support me as i was at his place and far away from my environment... no, no therapy... he thinks is everybody else's fault, his past, his past relationships, his parents, etc... is never his fault. But anyways. He knows i love him, as i said when i broke up and most of the times we still were in contact. I had to, tho, the last time, say i cared for him but there wasn't love anymore to force him to move on. it was the hardest thing i had to do in my life, and believe me, dealing with the break up is being the most painful thing i had to pass through during my existence. I cry every night. He was not the best boyfriend, and i'm not perfect either... i am aware we speak of our side only and give you here our plain feelings, and sometimes you need to listen to both sides. But there was no cheating, never raised my voice to him, and my attempts to keep proud even after he hurt me physically and verbally (B word and S word, yeah) failed as i'm not a proudish person.

 

I hope he goes well. I hope to go well myself. It is being SO HARD. These broken dreams are the most painful thing i've lived until now. But i must go.