Dating to friends then back again?

[gothicrose]

Hello, I just joined to post this and I'm not sure where it belongs exactly but hope it's ok in here.

 

I was seeing this guy earlier on this year, it was a casual sort of thing - not casual in a fwb sort of way, but more dating than full on relationship, although he did have a period of saying he loved me and 'future talk', but I told him I couldn't do hat yet and then things sort of went wrong; we started arguing a lot about our feelings, he started blowing hot and cold and then he ended things a few months ago.

 

While we've been split up, we've remained on quite strange terms - we haven't got on too well but he's been coming to see me roughly once a week (it's not planned that way, just so happens like that) and most times we have ended up sleeping together, which has been a mutual thing.

He's also been saying he likes me, I'm always on his mind, I'm special, different to his exes, and saying he's really confused that he feels a lot for me, but not enough to want to date me again.

Since we've been split I should add, I decided that I was wrong about my feelings when we were actually dating before, and I DID like him more than I thought...so it's been a complete switch of roles

 

He's been away with family for a month and I talked to him today on the phone. Before going away, he said he wanted to see whether he missed me and to try and sort out his feelings, as he didn't know whether he doesn't want me just because I want him.

He said he wanted complete NC for the time he was away, and then we'd meet up and take things from there. I was ok with that as I felt I needed that too.

 

Anyway I spoke to him today, and he basically said his feelings have changed, he "loves me to pieces" as a friend/person, really likes me, will always be attracted to me and hopes we can be friends, but I'm just not 'the one' for him.

He said he still wants to see me next week as we had planned and that after that we will continue to text occasionally as friends and meet up again "sometime in the future".

 

Later on in the conversation when I had asked how he had come to that decision so quickly, he said he's been busy so hasn't had much time to think about me, that I had made him realise where he had been going wrong all this time and that he needs to be friends with a person first before trying to get into any sort of dating or relationship.

He also said that recently we haven't even managed to get along as friends and if two people can't do that, then how could there be any sort of relationship....he then said that he never says never and can't rule out the idea that something might develop between us, or we might just stay friends forever - or, the friendship might just fizzle out naturally over time; he said he hasn't got a crystal ball so can't say anything for certain.

 

All that makes sense obviously, but I was confused how he could say he can never say never, but just a minute before had effectively done just that by saying "you're just not for me". I asked him that exact thing and he replied that that is how he feels at this moment in time - he doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment but doesn't know how the future will pan out.

 

I don't know whether he was trying to let me down gently (what do you all think about that?) but whether he was or wasn't; assuming we get on as friends, text regularly but not too often, talk on the phone sometimes and maybe meet up once in a while (like once a month or so); is there any way that could turn into more?

Is it possible that someone can develop feelings for another person when they're only seeing them as often as I described above?

Or could it be that now he has boxed me into the 'friendship corner' that he will never see me in any other way?

 

I've never been 'just friends' with a guy and much less with one that I dated for a while...I'm not sure that I want a relationship with him, I want the possibility that something might happen I suppose, rather than 100% just friendship, forever.

 

If anyone could answer my questions without saying "go NC" that would be great - because as it stands at the moment, he is coming to see me next week and if I spend the entire time wishing he would kiss me or feeling upset that he has no feelings for me, then I WILL go NC anyway for my own good.

 

But I'm posting this on the assumption I feel fine after he comes to see me

[gothicrose]

... anyone?

 

And also, could someone explain friendzoning and why it's so bad if you want to (ultimately) get back with an ex?

 

Just seen it mentioned on another thread but don't get why being friends with an ex means that you can never rekindle a relationship?

[zephyrus]

" he "loves me to pieces" as a friend/person, really likes me, will always be attracted to me and hopes we can be friends, but I'm just not 'the one' for him."

 

You already got your answer

[lylat333]

" he "loves me to pieces" as a friend/person, really likes me, will always be attracted to me and hopes we can be friends, but I'm just not 'the one' for him."

 

You already got your answer

 

I'm not so sure about that... I don't think it's fair for everything someone says to be etched in stone. I think it's possible to feel someone isn't "the one" based on a misunderstanding. You may have doubts as to who the other person is and how they feel about you, so you feel they aren't 'the one', and then come to find out your doubts were misplaced.

 

I don't know whether he was trying to let me down gently (what do you all think about that?)

I don't think he's trying to let you down gently, I think he's trying to figure out how he feels about you.

 

assuming we get on as friends, text regularly but not too often, talk on the phone sometimes and maybe meet up once in a while (like once a month or so); is there any way that could turn into more?

Yes. It's up to you how often you want to see each other, if you find you enjoy seeing each other it may increase in frequency.

 

Is it possible that someone can develop feelings for another person when they're only seeing them as often as I described above?

Yes. I think it's possible to start to develop feelings for someone after seeing them only a few times.

 

Or could it be that now he has boxed me into the 'friendship corner' that he will never see me in any other way?

 

Just based on the details you've given, I personally don't see any dealbreakers or red flags. As with any possibility of a relationship, proceed with caution. When you say you were "sleeping together"... I assume you mean sex... that I don't know about. If you're interested in this turning into a real relationship you might consider making yourself more scarce. If the only reason he wants to see you is to share some physical intimacy, then that's not a good foundation. Wishing you the best.

[gothicrose]

Thanks.

 

lylat333 - I may be deluding myself, but he's a very affectionate, intensely emotioned kind of person (as am I) and the 'thing' we had went from 0-60 in 3 weeks, then as soon as we talked about moving in together, I realised how fast it had moved, freaked out and went on the defensive, pushing him away to 'protect' myself.

 

Since he ended things (after about 3 weeks or constant arguing, all of which were initiated by me, truly), all we've done is argue. He has been coming to see me, we've been getting on but then I've pushed for him to stay over and then its gone wrong and we've argued because he felt guilty/wasn't sure of his feelings.

 

I kind of feel like the idea of a relationship is tempting to him, but since we split I started being this nagging woman that kept tabs on him, asked him to come over every few days and when he couldn't, I wouldn't accept it and kept badgering and blackmailing until he came round - not blaming myself totally as he had his part to play in it all too, but I can see why my behaviour might have freaked him out, as it felt serious and maybe he felt tied down, without us actually being together!

 

That's why I thought being friends might be an option; just us spending time together and getting on, without having sex OR defining things. Just see how it goes and if it leads to nothing more than friendship, then we'll hopefully be friends for life.

 

BUT say I do this; should I tell him first once and for all how I feel? That I think we could have worked as a couple, he hasn't seen the true me yet (every side of me) and I'm not 100% sure I want a relationship but I did want to try 'dating' and getting to know each other, but am happy with just being friends and seeing how things go...or would that make it seem like I'm desperate to be with him?

[gothicrose]

I would really appreciate a few more opinions, if anoyne has any?

[gothicrose]

My original thread about my situation is a few threads down the page, I only got one reply I think and then no one answered my 'updates'

 

Ok most recent thing, is I spoke to him today.

 

He had originally said he was going to come and see me this week (Thursday) after he had got back from his time away with family, but I phoned him yesterday and after saying he wanted to be friends, he liked and respected me and wanted to continue seeing me as a friend for a coffee now and again...we got into an argument.

 

This morning when I phoned, he said he wasn't going to come over on Thursday - or ever - as he can't be bothered and because his feelings have disappeared, he isn't attracted to me any more, wants nothing more to do with me as I "ruined it" yesterday by arguing with him.

 

Obviously I couldn't just leave it like a sensible person, so I kept asking why he'd said such and such in the past, or last week, or the previous day...and he kept switching from saying he's not remotely interested in me at all, to "I'm still attracted to you and I like you a lot but I want nothing more to do with you as you keep hassling me", and then to "I'd keep you in my life if you were nice to me!". He also said a couple of times that if I hadn't "ruined it" by arguing yesterday and proving we aren't compatible, then he would have "been happy to come and see you sometimes, get on, text and the occasional phone call and then...who knows".

 

It ended with me sending a text asking (for the hundredth time) him to just come over on Thursday and he replied "Ok now F-off". I said I wanted a genuine reply and he said "I said I will come and see you on Thursday. Now F-off and leave me alone".

 

Now clearly, he won't come round on Thursday...anyone can see he only said that to shut me up, but is there any chance of a reconciliation in the future (he says he can't handle and doesn't want any sort of commitment, he plans to stay single as far ahead as he can see; as he is emotionally broken and doesn't want a relationship until he can sort himself out, "however long that takes...whether it takes me one year, 2 months or twenty years")?

 

I will always see him occasionally through work, just as a passing-by, hello type situation.

 

He is in touch with a couple of his exes; they 'like' each other's comments on facebook sometimes, the occasional text and that kind of thing, and he's said he "never says never" as feelings and situations change; so is there any chance and should I keep things like, scale it right back like he said and just text a "how are you" every so often and be polite when I see him at work, or should I go complete NC for a few months (say until December, when I'm next likely to see him at the work christmas party) and then see how the land lies...or what?

 

Is complete NC necessary in this case?

 

And as i said; is there any chance of a reconciliation in the near-mid future? (say within the next year)

[lylat333]

That's a tough situation, sorry to hear. My honest opinion is I don't think your situation looks very promising as far as a near-future reconciliation is concerned.

 

The reason I say this is because if you are in fact competing with these other exes' attention, whatever you do will only make things harder for you.

 

If you A) continue to try and plead/reason with him, he will only continue to wield that power over you. Letting him get away with saying things like, "F-off" or placing the blame on you for ruining the climate for reconciliation.

 

If you B) stop fighting for him, chances are he will shift his focus towards other options, and you'll be on the backburner at best. Not a fair place for you to just stand by and hope he comes to his senses.

 

I'm in a similar situation, so I understand. There is no miracle solution, imo the best thing for you to do is gracefully bow out and not allow him to have such control over you and your emotions. He doesn't sound like the greatest guy right now.

 

If you go NC, he will either A) realize he misses you immediately B) move on to someone else and you will know it wasn't meant to be or C) he'll realize the grass isn't so green and come crawling back after some amount of time. I feel pretty strongly that you trying to directly influence him is only going to put you through needless heartache. Right now I'm sure he feels you are at his beck and call, now is the time to start showing him that is not the case. Hopefully some others will chime in too, wishing you the best.

Edited August 26, 2013 by lylat333

[Toddbt12y1]

This is a big mess. If anything, you should go NC. This guy doesn't want anything to do with you. His capricious ways aren't any good for you...or him. In his eyes, you aren't compatible. Nothing you can really do.

 

But why do you want a guy who would tell you to leave him the F alone, for? Doesn't sound like a good friend(though he obviously was annoyed with you).

 

Best that you let this die, move on to a more compatible person. This cannot work out, and you two aren't getting along. Go absolute unbroken NC. Not what you wish to hear...but the things we often need to hear, are those we'd rather not.

[gothicrose]

Lylat333 - well I'm not directly competing as such; when he said leave me alone as all I do is hassle him, I mentioned his exes and how he hasn't cut them out, and of course he said "they don't hassle me, they just 'like' my posts on facebook every now and again!", I mentioned that he's deleted and blocked me from facebook (this was during a row we had when together!) and he said "yes, but you text me. They don't. So it evens out"

 

He always said he thought about me differently to his other exes, 'cared more' kind of. And I'll see him more often, as we work together and there are office parties etc.

 

I know he won't go for anyone else any time soon; he does clearly need and want to stay on his own as he's renovating his house at the moment, he's also at the age where most people are married and he's kind of almost retirement age...so I can't see him running into many suitable women, or particularly being bothered about going out looking.

 

Todd - I know, I suppose if he talks to me with no respect, even when annoyed (although he does it a lot) then he doesn't have any respect and so I shouldn't want him anyway.

 

I'm not sure I definitely do, just wanted the possibility in future I think (if he stopped being such an a**e! )

[Toddbt12y1]

You gotta accept that with some things there just isn't a future. No one knows the future, but his current actions and thoughts tell me, he doesn't want a future. Friendship or relationship.

 

What of your own self respect? You gotta be a woman, that you are, be strong, and have self respect. Do not fawn over this guy. One, you two don't get along. Two, you are beautiful and strong enough to have someone else, who will show you some respect.

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

It sounds like, to me, that you are quite a "needy" person. You also appear to have some anxiety issues with your thinking about his ex's and with him.

 

All this will do is push him away, as you've been experiencing.

 

Fearing his ex's is never a good thing for you, or for him. Imagine someone always on at you - after a while, you'd want to escape too.

 

Remember: He feels hassled. He feels pressured. He feels at the end of his rope.

 

Try this: lay down on the bed with hands by your side on your back. Close your eyes. Focus on where your feet touch the bed and where your arms and hands touch the bed. Concentrate on your breathing and outside noises. Do this for 10-15 minutes.

 

Now once relaxed, think clearly about the situation. Ask yourself: What would I honestly do if things were the other way around? What would I feel? What would I do? What would I need?

 

Do this twice a day. Clarity will be your friend.

 

Now, think about this line: "Hi, I apologise for being needy and pushy. I am working on my anxiety by being more relaxed and easier going. I know without friendship, there can be no relationship, so, I was wondering if perhaps we can meet and have a coffee together soon and a friendly chat about everyday stuff, and see how we get on? Would be nice to see if it can go anywhere without me being on edge! Let me know."

Edited August 26, 2013 by MrE_UK

[gothicrose]

Thanks for the input guys

 

I suppose I do need to chill a bit.

 

I am quite easy going (or thought I was), but every time he tells me to leave him alone or something similar, I panic and end up harassing the heck out of him - trying to get him to change his mind and keep in touch, even though I know by doing that, I'm pushing him further away.

[MrE_UK]

Thanks for the input guys

 

I suppose I do need to chill a bit.

 

I am quite easy going (or thought I was), but every time he tells me to leave him alone or something similar, I panic and end up harassing the heck out of him - trying to get him to change his mind and keep in touch, even though I know by doing that, I'm pushing him further away.

 

 

What happens is that (I suffer from anxiety disorder so trust me!), you fear and worry, then feel anxious. All the thoughts, physical effects and feelings put you in a state of flight or fight. This is adrenaline. So, you fight... You seem to be losing, so, you panic. It's all about fear and is irrational.

 

Now, if you could stop that by identifying it and learning to relax, your thinking brain comes back into play. Plus in time, you're anxiety will come back to normal levels.

 

I've been separated over two months now. But guess what? When I'm not having anxiety issues, and relax...she talks to me about all sorts and we get on well. When I get anxious and go into a relationship hunting frenzy...she backs away and stops talking. Like tonight, she has bad stomach cramps and talked to me about it, I offered some advice where she needs to relax, so, she's gone for an early night with a glass of milk. No matter the future, it felt really good she chose me to tell and accepted my advice. All I said was, "Good idea. Hope you feel better. Sleep well."

 

Hope this helps...

Edited August 26, 2013 by MrE_UK

[gothicrose]

Thanks, well I went to see him yesterday - I'm impulsive so it was totally spur of the moment but I feel it helped me - I'm going to copy and paste what i wrote in a message to my friend to explain what happened yesterday, save retyping it all - so sorry it's a bit jumbled and badly formatted but:

 

I went to see him yesterday afternoon. Totally spur of the moment.

 

He said he had a migraine when I got there, and after a few minutes talking, he walked off to his bedroom and I followed, saying that I wasn't going to allow doors to be shut on me while I was talking, he told me he wasn't going to shut his door - but by then I was in his bedroom, and he had lay on the bed covering his eyes with a pillow.

I

told him that I was confused how he's been doing his over dramatic "I don't know how I feel but why can't I keep away from you" routine for the past 4 months solid, and he snapped back "well I've been trying to get rid of you for the past 3 months, haven't I".

He then pulled me down on top of him, and pushed my head down onto his shoulder (firmly but not roughly), then just wrapped his arms tightly round my back. I tried getting up a few times and he gently pushed my head back down (I could have got up if I'd wanted to, really), and every time I started to apologise saying that I know I've been a bit much lately, especially with turning up at his home unannounced, he smiled and said "no you're not sorry, you love messing with my head" and then tried to kiss me. Every time I turned my head away, and then he said "you never seem to like me touching you or kissing you, do you?".

 

That carried on for a while, at one point he said he thinks he really did love me at one point, I responded "yes, for two whole weeks" (which is really all the time we actually tried for a relationship proper; before that it was casual dating) and he said "no, longer than that. And I'm shooting myself in the foot here now because it will probably be used against me until kingdom come, but I'm not sure whether in fact I STILL love you".

A little later on he undid my bra and then took my top off (he whipped it off quite quickly before I had chance to react, lol) - this was just after he had said he had felt guilty every time we slept together, as he can't handle a relationship and wants to be on his own, so I said "you feel guilty but now you're going to try anyway?!" in quite a snappy way and he said no, then gave me my top back and apologised.

I then stood up (quite cross by now) and said "do you really think I'm sitting here thinking you're going to turn round one day and say you're madly in love with me and always have been?! I'm not that deluded you know!" (and I meant it - I know I was always just a rebound) and he sat up and snapped back "I don't know whether I'm STILL in love with you!".

 

We then got onto the subject of him needing to be alone and why he feels that way, he said "I need to be on my own, until I'm happy on my own again.

I need to get the jobs on the boat done that I've been putting off for years (he lives on a houseboat he's been renovating), I need to look after my dog properly, it took me 3 years to get to that point last time and until I get there again, I need to be by myself."

He then suddenly came out with "I like you a lot Karen, if I felt ready to be in a relationship, I'd really want to give it a good go with you. You have made me feel so many feelings I've never felt with anyone else before - wound me up so much, I've never sworn so much in my entire life, but at the same time the positives feel like ecstasy and they feel like love. But, I don't know what love is...I can't handle feelings, okay?!"

 

So. I shouldn't have gone to see him, but I felt it helped me - as weirdly, I haven't missed him since!

I was noticing flaws about him yesterday that I hadn't before; about his physical appearance as shallow as that sounds, I still feel like I care about him, but it feels different now to how it did before I went to see him.

 

I've decided I'll continue to text every now and again for a catch up, at least until maybe December or the New Year and then see how I feel about seeing him after that (he said he'd still be open to coming to see me, as long as if he says no I accept it and don't bug him about it like I have previously).

I don't know if maybe I'm just having a good 24 hours as seeing him gave me my 'fix' but it does feel different and I feel...lighter, it's strange.

 

But I am curious (I know, it doesn't matter but please humour me) as to your opinions on what happened yesterday - I'm guessing the physical stuff was just a case of him taking it while he thought I was offering and then giving up when he realised I wasn't going to sleep with him, but what about the feelings talk - not being able to handle feelings, the thing he said twice about not being sure if he still loves me - be brutally honest as I have my own theory on why he said that (and not necessarily what you assume I might be thinking) and won't get too depressed OR my hopes up

 

Thank you.

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

There are a few things I notice about this encounter:

 

1. He feels if he is with you he won't get jobs done he wants space and time to do, like fixing his boat

 

2. He said he's been trying to get rid of you for 3 months (long time!)

 

3. He tried to be intimate, but you resisted after going some of the way

 

4. He said you don't like him touching you

 

5. He said you'll use something against him

 

6. He said he can't handle a relationship meaning YOUR relationship as he wants space and time

 

7. You got angry!

 

8. Turns into an argument

 

9. He said he's not sure if he loves you anymore

 

10. He wants to be on his own to feel happy again

 

11. He questions his feelings for you

 

12. You feel lighter (less anxious - therefore relaxed. Did it feel like closure?)

 

Okay, it seems like lots going on here...

 

The main things I see are these:

 

He is still not over his ex. Until he can be, he won't know how he feels about you. However, the more relaxed and confident you are, the better. If you get angry and argue, he may be venting stuff from his previous relationship which really is nothing about you. He seems to need space and time to heal from his past relationship - you must give this to him. He must see you differently to his ex. He doesn't want something serious. This guy isn't happy.

 

What can you do?

 

1. Be light, casual, fun and flirty

2. Stop talking about love

3. Be a positive

4. Hold no expectations

5. Stop analysing everything (anxiety)

6. Stop being demanding (anxiety)

7. Learn to be relaxed and confident

8. Understand the future is uncertain

9. Understand rejection is tough

10. Love yourself

 

He was on the rebound, which means he was trying to replace what he lost and unfortunately you got caught up in it. Gently back away...

 

Until he is over the past, he will be all over the place. The last thing he needs is seriousness. Even though he tried to "future talk" and is talking about loving you, this fling with you was started in desperation, loss, fear, and pain. He saw what you said as rejection too.

 

Think about this: "It was nice to see you yesterday, but you clearly seem to be agonising over the past. I understand you need space and time to heal from old wounds. I do like you kissing and touching me, but not under these circumstances. I understand you cannot give me what I need right now, so, I think we need to cool off and take a breather. Let's give it a month, then see how we feel. I need to work on being more relaxed and easier going too. I'd like to keep our contact light and chatty for now and perhaps we can start afresh when you and I feel clearer and perhaps we can have a nice dinner date without all the tension, drama, and any tug-o-war. Speak soon. x"

 

Then do not contact him! If he contacts you, keep it light and short. Smile before you reply. May work out, may not. But that's okay...

 

Just my opinion from what you've said.

Edited August 28, 2013 by MrE_UK

[BC1980]

The biggest reason I recommend NC is because this relationship seems so volatile. There are too many emotions on each side. Just let everything cool down with NC. Both parties need to gain some clarity.

[gothicrose]

Thank you for posting.

 

MrE_UK - the thing about not being sure whether he still loves me; I took as a positive, as in; he might be thinking that he does love me or at least still questioning his feelings.

 

The reason I thought that, is because over the past 3.5 months since we split, he has been 'confused' about his feelings for me.

All the way through he would say things like:

 

"I feel so many positive, strong emotions for you that I've never felt with anyone before"

 

"Why can't I love you...? I have such strong feelings but there is something missing, but I'm not sure what it is!"

 

"Why do I keep coming back...what is it about you that makes me not want to lose you completely?"

 

"I don't know whether I'm just being a coward and worrying about other people's reactions, maybe I should just say forget it and go for it with you".

 

And so on.

 

At the very same time, he was saying he was very confused about his feelings, was worried they're just physical but then the next second saying it definitely wasn't just physical as he likes my personality etc as well, and also saying he thinks about me a lot/most of the time, misses me when he doesn't see or speak to me etc.

 

Then he said what I mentioned in my first post and said he needed space, and this holiday away was his chance to think about everything.

Two weeks ago he told me he can't have a relationship with anyone until he's got his head straight and is happy in himself again, and then said he can't see me again as he doesn't want to make the effort to have to see a person (anyone) every week, or every month, or whatever.

He doesn't want to have to commit in that way or have to answer to anyone/have anything expected of him, and then he said (during an argument) that his feelings has gone altogether and he didn't miss me.

 

And then we got to yesterday, when things seemed to change again once he'd seen me.

 

So did he say all that to try and get me into bed, or could he have been genuine?

[gothicrose]

Hi, sorry to bore everyone, but I could really do with some unbiased opinions ONLY on what is going on with this guy.

 

I know I should technically go NC so please, just don't say that

 

For the moment, please just help me out if you can with why my ex is saying the things he's saying:

 

I posted above about the last encounter I had with him, last Tuesday.

 

I didn't contact him at all for the next week, until yesterday when I asked him to meet me on his lunch break.

He did, and I asked about what had happened the last time I saw him (last Tuesday).

 

He said "I've been thinking about what I said last week, and I think you were probably right; it wasn't love I was feeling last week and I shouldn't have used those words". (explanation for what he said is in this thread, a couple of posts back). Yet when I asked why he said it, he said he didn't know; it's just how he felt at the time.

 

He then went on to say it's always been confusing with me and then said "I like you, I'm very, very attracted to you; even now I just want to kiss and hold you, but I can't cope with it. I don't want to take you out, so I shouldn't sleep with you..but I really want to sleep with you".

 

I said we had only had a couple of weeks where we had actually been officially together and he said "yes but it was an amazing, intense couple of weeks". He then said "I haven't treated you fairly at all, I'm messed up".

I told him it wasn't worth beating himself up over 2 weeks of 'loving' me as it was just a fling, really and he said "but what about all the other stuff....?".

 

I have no idea what that last part meant and why he countered what I'd said instead of agreeing or staying silent like usual.

 

He has agreed to come and see me tomorrow evening to try and give me the answers he didn't manage to yesterday when I met him.

 

As I said, I KNOW I should go NC but I want to see him on Thursday; thing is, I just want to chat and get on with him, rather than bringing up all this stuff.

 

I don't know whether he wants to carry on seeing me sometimes as a friend (a couple of weeks ago he said he did, last week he said he did but then said he needed to be left alone...), a couple of weeks ago he was saying he doesn't want a relationship with anyone but yesterday he didn't say that, so maybe he DID just mean he didn't want a relationship with me in particular.

 

Sorry this is all muddled - basically I just want a few guesses as to why he said that stuff yesterday and what might be going on in his mind.

 

And should I just talk about the past stuff and get my answers tomorrow, or should I forget all that and just chat normally with him, like I would a friend? Then see how he responds to that?

 

Should I bring up the possibility of a chance in future or what he's thinking now, or not bother?

 

Please - no "go NC" as that's the obvious answer.

 

Thanks

[gothicrose]

... please, anyone?

[Simon Phoenix]

Go No Contact.

[Mariposa10]

You should stop contacting him and wait for him to contact you. Stop asking him to hang out with you, wait until he wants to hang out with you. I don't know if you are but if you are having sex with him etc. You should stop. Treat him as a friend. Also, if you do hang out with him today or tomorrow (your posts are really long I can't remember) you should have a regular conversation with him as friends. Treat him as a friend and if he doesn't want anything serious or if you feel it's too painful to only be his friend you need to go NC. At some point this all has to stop. So just try something new and if it doesn't work you have to let go.

[BC1980]

Do not ask him for any more explanations about his past behavior or things he has said. You are only going to get more confusing answers that bring up more questions.

 

Do not bring up anything about a chance for the future. It hasn't been long enough.

 

I can't decode this recent conversation you two had, but it seems clear that he is not in the right state of mind to be in a relationship.

[gothicrose]

Do not ask him for any more explanations about his past behaviour or things he has said. You are only going to get more confusing answers that bring up more questions.

 

But why?

 

This is the part I don't get.

 

My feelings towards him change slightly; yesterday, all at the same time I was hating him for the things he's said and done that have been so confusing...properly hating him, but at the very same time I felt empty right in the pit of my stomach that I've lost him. Which I know is pathetic to even feel that way as we didn't even really 'start' - I suppose I'm grieving the possibility of something rather than an actual relationship. But how can I have felt those two contrasting emotions right at the same time?

 

However I didn't call him to say I hated him when I felt that, then 2 seconds later phoned again to say I felt that emptiness, which is kind of the equivalent of what he's been doing.

Every single emotion and feeling he has felt towards me, he's been telling me about it - and he says it wasn't intentional, it's just his head was swirling and that's what 'came out'.

 

I've never said "be with me" or told him I think we could work, I've always been negative towards myself by saying I know what he's really been thinking all this time and it's just that I was 'ms right now' rather than ms right - he usually contradicts me and says things like the other day.

 

I mean - what grown adult would say in the morning "my feelings have disappeared, I'm not interested in seeing you ever again, I'm not attracted to you" then in late afternoon when I (admittedly, wrongly) went to see him, say "I think I might still be in love with you" - and if he said that purely through 'lust' (can't see it myself, I'm not that attractive!) then why did he spend a long time with me laying half on top of him/half on his bed, with his arms wrapped tightly round my waist and not wandering?? We were like that an hour or so and any time I got up, he pulled me back down again saying "come here".

[BC1980]

Do not ask him for anymore explanations because he clearly cannot explain things to you based on the answers he has given. It's also very frustrating to be asked to keep explaining yourself. Chances are, he doesn't even understand what he feels, which is why he keeps giving confusing answers. You are really driving him away by asking him to keep explaining himself.

 

In a nutshell, he is clearly confused about his feelings, but asking for explanations will only make him more confused and frustrated.