Insecure me or cheating man?

[emva07]

I think you're paranoid and looking for reasons where none exist.

 

2sunny and I aren't telling her he's cheating, YOU are the one putting those words into our mouths. If anything you are the one extrapolating and twisting our comments. I appreciated the article you posted, and respect that you think I am emotional reasoner based one me saying to follow her instinct, something is different in his behavior, doesn't mean he's cheating. If i WERE an emotional reasoner i would've said "follow your gut, he's cheating". Never said that.

 

You saying you think she is being paranoid and looking for reasons where none exist IS invalidating her feelings. She is expressing her feelings with us, and you just say she's being paranoid where there is no reason to be, the only person who knows if there is a reason or not is her husband. That's fine, it's your opinion, but don't attack those who have a different one.And if you're going to put so much passion into attacking someone's opinion and assuming what disorders they have, at least get the information right. What you think I'm saying and what I actually said are two different things. Maybe I worded it in a way you didn't understand, I don't know, but I never said he was cheating.

Edited August 22, 2013 by emva07

[The Way I Am]

My objection is that you ladies don't seem to be able to distinguish between intuiting and reasoning. You all are basically saying that if her intuition is telling her he's cheating, then it constitutes evidence that he's cheating. And that is BS.

 

I never said that. 2sunny and emva didn't say that. Did anyone?

 

I've said that the fact that she's noticed a change in the way her husband is treating her is why she's been so insecure when she's never felt like this in her marriage before. The more her husbands reacts distantly, the more insecure she becomes.

 

With the combination of his distancing and her noticing his work schedule doesn't officially match what she's been told, she shouldn't dismiss this. She should verify whether the schedule is wrong or her husband has been lying. (And in the mean time, cut out the constant calls and Facebook stalking.)

 

As for your criticisms of emva, you should do some more research on intuition. Those who dismiss all intuition as are foolish as those who claim intuition is concrete evidence. (Which for the record, emva has not actually done.)

 

pinesway, are you still around? Have you talked to your H or been able to clear any of this up?

[emva07]

I was in a 3 yr relationship where I never trusted my intuition. I kept convincing myself I was paranoid. I needed evidence. Find out last week he was cheating the whole time. And even then I'm not jaded. Why ? Bc I know no two ppl are the same. I'm not going to let my misfortune of the past let me ruin a good thing in the future. Idk how from a couple of posts someone can assume my whole persona. Funny in college my professors always said I had a very strong realist view on life, now I come on here and am called an emotional reactioner because I say cheating is one possibility? Haha.

Edited August 23, 2013 by emva07

[salparadise]

I've pointed it out, quoted specific statements, and linked to an article describing this cognitive distortion. If you still don't understand then anything further would be lost on you. You're fueling her paranoia needlessly. She's already insecure and making up stories in her head and you're encouraging her discomfort without a whit of empirical data pointing to any wrongdoing on his part. I'm done.

 

OP, my suggestion is that you make no assumptions.

[The Way I Am]

OP, my suggestion is that you make no assumptions.

 

So basically the same suggestion as everyone else, because no one else suggested she make assumptions.

 

Seriously, do some research on the scientific studies of intuition, and maybe you'll understand there's a world of difference between saying "Don't just ignore your gut telling you something is wrong" and "Your guts tells you something's wrong. Your first impulse is xyz. Therefore it is 100% factually correct that xyz happening".

[22pinesway]

Sorry I've been missing for so long, I was trying to think things through. He decided he would come see me one day this weekend, which surprised me.

 

Obviously I have trouble coping when he's away for work. To make this easier I ask him to call me during lunch and to call me at night. Neither phone call need to be long but I want to keep communication going. If he is too busy to call, I ask him to send me a text and just let me know. We have been doing this for years without a problem.

 

Yesterday he started work late so I expected him to call in the morning. He didn't which didn't bother me at all. Just sometimes when his work is late he will call. So he doesn't call at hi lunch time an sometimes they can run late so I just assumed something came up. I did give him a call at about 9pm. He doesn't call me until 11pm.

 

His excuse was that they actually had a very short day and finished before lunch. He said they Had a long lunch and afterwards he went to the bar to have a meeting for the next days work, so by my calculation he was at the bar for about 6 hours an couldn't find the time to even text me or at least pick up the phone when I call him. I was tired when he called so I didn't really get to think about it.

 

This morning when I got up I was so mad. He had all afternoon to at least send me a text or call. So I sent him a text saying that my feelings were hurt and e replied being defensive saying that he apologized and he loved and maybe he'd come home this weekend. I decided to play nice and text him that I didn't want to be upset when his work was almost over and I wanted to move on. This way he will come home this weekend and we can talk about this, if I continued to let I'm know I was mad he wouldn't come home.

 

After doing a lot of thinking. I don't think he's cheating on me, but I do think he is neglecting me and taking me for granted. How should I approach this?

[2sunny]

So once again - he was asked to fulfill a commitment of communicating with you - and he blew you off all day long - even though he had time to go party and drinking.

 

He sucks! And I'd tell him he sucks!

 

Obviously drinking is more important than feeling connected to his wife - and I know many people who felt distanced from their spouse when alcohol became a bigger priority than the one they were married to.

 

Soooo, he's not spending all his time EARNING money - and he is going out drinking when he creates an illusion that he's busy working. Hmmm

 

A woman may not be his affair partner - but alcohol may be...

 

Has he ever had any concerns over his drinking before?

[22pinesway]

No he doesn't drink that much, usually, and I'm not sure if he goin out drinking or not drinking and just hangin out with other people who are drinking.

[2sunny]

But you don't REALLY know what he is doing in his free time - right?

 

Because he's unwilling to communicate with you.

 

 

And he obviously HAS TIME to do that - yet he chooses to make something else HIS PRIORITY over simply taking 2 seconds to text you - or 2 minutes to call and say "hey honey, I love you - how's your day going? I really miss you!"

 

 

You have very right to have your feelings hurt - and you should tell him point blank that his INACTIONS are making you mad!

 

At this point he is disrespecting and disregarding you and your feelings! He's not acting like he's married to you.

 

And you need to be sure he knows that you're NOT OK with the way he's behaving!

 

It takes 2 seconds to stay feeling connected - and he's not making the effort...

[2sunny]

You said "they"

 

Has he told you exactly who "they" is?

 

Can you tell by his phone if he communicates at all with anyone else by calls or texts?

 

I've known a few people - who can only focus on who is physically in front of them - like their mind would never process how much he's hurting you by ignoring you - but in every instance that I'm remembering - there was someone else involved that was grabbing the other persons attention.

 

It's like this type of mind can't process two people at the same time - so one gets ignored while the other gets the attention.

[The Way I Am]

This morning when I got up I was so mad. He had all afternoon to at least send me a text or call. So I sent him a text saying that my feelings were hurt and e replied being defensive saying that he apologized and he loved and maybe he'd come home this weekend.

 

That's a least a bit better than you'd been getting.

 

I decided to play nice and text him that I didn't want to be upset when his work was almost over and I wanted to move on. This way he will come home this weekend and we can talk about this, if I continued to let I'm know I was mad he wouldn't come home.

 

You're probably right there. Be cautious of any attempts he may make to start a fight. If he's not really earnest about wanting to come back to see you, he may pick a fight and then go all "I can't deal with this right now" and blame you for making him not want to come home for the weekend. If you act only sweetly to him and don't fight, but he still doesn't come home, it's highly likely it was an empty promise, and you won't have to deal with doubts that you did something to cause him not to want to.

 

After doing a lot of thinking. I don't think he's cheating on me, but I do think he is neglecting me and taking me for granted. How should I approach this?

 

Be a good little wife, give him his space, send him sweet messages, and don't expect a response or get mad if he doesn't send one. Then if/when he comes home, spend a nice evening together without bringing your concerns up. Get him a gift or some sort of surprise and be as nice and loving to him as you ever have been. Don't act the least bit mad. If he happens to ask why you're being so nice, tell him it's because you're so sorry you were bothering him so much while he was away. You just missed him so much. Do this the entire first day even if he still acts distant. (But take note of the way he acts.)

 

If he stays distant the whole weekend, that's not a good sign. If he starts acting loving again, maybe he really does just feel smothered without any external influence causing the distance, and you two can come to a mutually agreeable arrangement where you're secure in the relationship and he feels like he has his own personal space.

 

If it didn't come up naturally the first day and he's been giving you love instead of distance, the second day, have a heart to heart with him about how you feel and whether you're making him feel smothered or unhappy in the marriage. Don't act angry. Tell him the way he's been has made you feel hurt and worried. Avoid using the words "angry" or "mad".

 

In the case that he decides he can't come home like he suggested, tell him you're really disappointed. Then stop initiating contact with him and start finding other ways to occupy your time. Start building up your emotional wall, because it's worse than just lying. He may or may not be cheating, but if he's making promises in order to placate you with no intention to follow through, he's yanking you around.

 

Did you come up with a way to verify his schedule? Are you able to determine how many days he worked from his pay check or pay stub?

Edited August 24, 2013 by The Way I Am