He Says ... "It's Not What I Want Right Now."

[smile]

Yes they are so lucky. Even if they don't deserve it. We are quite possibly two of the best friends a guy ever had ya know? Even after crap and stuff we are sticking through however they need us to be there. Hmph.

 

I hear ya about the holiday thing. Its so weird because we used to get eachother kind of elaborate gifts.. I used to give him gifts for the 8 nights of hannukah. Now I think I need to strike the list down to one small personal and appropriate gift. From one friend to an other. Something to make him go "wow she knows me so well". But Christmas morning is gonna be kinda lonely

 

He is at a certain amusement park today. One we used to go to together. It was like our place kinda. I am hoping while he is there he thinks of me. It would be hard not to I imagine.. the last time he was there he was with me and we had so much fun.

 

So who knows what is happening. I too have a multitude of questions to ask him. As he is becomming more open with me I am learning how to ask without judgement. Thats important. I think he has to feel he is accepted and safe to answer the questions even if you dont like the answers.

 

We went through crap together too, and stayed. But this last time it was too much for him. I think the fact that we can talk and be friends and even WANT to see eachother again after four months of being broken up is a testament to us. Its like deep down inside we both knew that we didnt mean the hurtful things we said to eachother.

 

So buck up kid. You are too wonderful for any guy to forget so easily. Give him time.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by smile

We went through crap together too, and stayed. But this last time it was too much for him. I think the fact that we can talk and be friends and even WANT to see eachother again after four months of being broken up is a testament to us. Its like deep down inside we both knew that we didnt mean the hurtful things we said to eachother.

 

This is so similar to my situation. And hey, my guy is Jewish too. It's going to be sad not inviting him for Christmas with the family ... or taking him to see my grandpa, who's probably going to die soon. Keeping my fingers crossed for both of us!

 

Except now that I've made it clear to him I love him (last weekend), he's not really done much for me like he was starting to -- writing e-mails, initiating contact, saying he'll call me, making plans, etc. It's scary! But then again it's only been one week.

 

To protect myself a little, I ended the phone conversation after about 10 minutes and made no remark about when I'd call again. He asked me to call again ... sometime ... and I said I'd call him sometime this week. He said "It was nice talking with you," which I take as a great sign.

 

I love this guy so much. But it's so hard! I'm sure you understand the feeling, smile. I know he is thinking about you while he's at this amusement park today. He's lucky to have you and it seems like things are going so well between you right now. I only hope that my relationship can get to that point, and soon! It's hard with the distance, but I have hope. Especially since we both have a month off for winter break when hopefully we'll both be at home.

[Weird]

wtf....how about you two fine ladies go and rub your common sense and coolness onto my ex and I will do the same for your exes.

 

Seriously, I am with ya sisters. The friggin bailing out when things get a little rough just frustrates me to no end and it si what my ex did. When she saw things aren't gonna be perfect she decided tot ake the easy way out and run rather than make an effort to work on issues. The best is most of the issues between us weren't so much things regarding us personally but just outside factors like a slight distance issue and **** like that. It was so bloody frustrating and even now, I am fine if we never get back together or if we never talk again (as stated I talk to her) but I know in my heart that if she grew up emotionally we could be great together.

 

All I know is I have lost a lot of hope in people as i think the mentality today is to just run away rather than stay and fight hence why there are so many long term relationships ending and the 50% divorce rate. I'll probably be single for life cuz I just can't picture finding a girl who has her **** together and will be in it for the long haul and wont bail out whenever things aren't perfect.

 

Ah well. I'll manage:)

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Weird

wtf....how about you two fine ladies go and rub your common sense and coolness onto my ex and I will do the same for your exes.

 

...

 

All I know is I have lost a lot of hope in people as i think the mentality today is to just run away rather than stay and fight hence why there are so many long term relationships ending and the 50% divorce rate. I'll probably be single for life cuz I just can't picture finding a girl who has her **** together and will be in it for the long haul and wont bail out whenever things aren't perfect.

 

Ah well. I'll manage:)

 

 

Yeah, Weird, I'm with you. But hopefully sometimes people just need time away in order to realize that they can take specific actions to make things better when it all looks black. I've learned that, at least. Hopefully my ex can too.

 

I'm afraid though, because he had been contacting me a lot and now he hasn't contacted in a week. He's supposed to call, tonight, though, and let me know if we're going to drive home for Thanksgiving together. I'm prepared for a no ... but crossing my fingers, since I called back later last night and said "Well, I should probably just go ahead and arrange a flight because if you get back to me late all the good prices will be gone." His response: "I'll talk to my family tomorrow and figure out what the deal is." I said, "Well, would you rather do that or would you rather me just go ahead and make my own travel arrangements?" to which he replied, "No, I'll talk to them tomorrow." Sounds like a fairly good sign

 

But I know that if he stops contacting me as much it's probably just a short phase after the awkwardness of talking about the relationship last weekend and he'll start doing it again soon. I know it can't be that his feelings have really changed in a week -- he can't have lost interest, especially when I showed such strength when he said he didn't want that type of relationship at this point in his life. I said, "OK, that's good, I wouldn't want you to come back to me unless you loved me 100%. We're just friends."

 

That's something so cool about this experience: A few months ago, I would have flipped at the suggestion that he wanted to make changes in our relationship. Now, I'm level-headed, and loving in everything I do and say with him. I feel so much more confident. I went out on a blind date this weekend and felt nothing serious beyond feeling like I had made a new friend ... which I think kind of broke the poor guy's heart. But I had a great time. It was fun to be taken out to dinner by a new guy!

 

Well, at least we know that we three are some of the best damn people to have a relationship with on the planet. Eventually the exes will have to see that, especially when they find out they're running the risk of losing our romantic affections for good! The longer it takes for him to come back, the more attractive I feel and the more fun I have going out on the weekends without him. I feel quite the catch, actually! And I have some wonderful close girl friends now I know I can depend on no matter what. So in the end, we win no matter what happens ... Yay us!

[UnicornGirl]

Damn! He's flying, and he apologized for the length of time it took to work it all out. I said thanks for trying though and was really nice. He seemed to be in a bad mood, he's got a lot of work, and I said, "But you're all right in general, though, nothing really bad going on?" He said he's fine, and he'd talk to me some other time.

 

I'm not going to call him this week, I'll just wait until he wants to get in touch. I had swung things my way with him contacting me, etc. but he seems to be stretching away ... probably after all the emotional intimacy from last weekend, he needs a break.

 

Does anyone else get freaked out by horoscopes? I know they're a bunch of crap, but we're the same sign, my ex and I, and it says tomorrow romance is "not just possible, but probable" and that "that person a co-worker has been bugging you to meet could be 'the one', don't let what happened last time get in the way." Just the kind of thing I need when I'm worried my ex has found someone else! And paranoid that his saying "right now" and acting confused was a cop out! I know it's usually not possible to change your emotions from one day to the next, and that he wouldn't lie to me, but dear god, please don't let that be the case ... that would just be the icing on the f***ing cake!

 

I guess I'm just in a bad mood because one of my friends pointed out he probably felt pressured last weekend when we were talking about the relationship and I told him I was in counseling and talked about issues I was resolving in depth; he probably felt like I was saying "I've changed, I've changed" and felt a lot of pressure. Damn!!! So many setbacks ... hopefully, one can recover and make up for small setbacks such as this with positive moments? Think so, anyone? It's so hard to be perfect all the time ...

[Weird]

unicornbabe,

 

just chill babe...try not to keep analyzing stuff and let things happen naturally. I do not want to see you get to the point where this starts stressing you out mega huge and you do something you'll regret.

 

Based on everything you have posted on here I think you have handled stuff well and haven't done anything to screw up the situation. Just let him sort out his thoughts and feelings and when he is ready to be closer to you again (like before the last weekend talk) he will. You know this since you said it so please just stick with it:)

[head/heels]

keep bettering yourself.... i am having a hard time as of late too....but i know that in the end i will either be back with her (if she has been a "good" girl and hasnt gone Girl Gone Wild on me since she broke it off---which i dont know what she is up to since we dont talk...she left me for someone she became interested in...so i told her if she ever gets her **** together to contact me...) or have a much better outlook on the type of WOMAN i want and one who knows a thing or two about how relationships work!....she was a girl and i worshipped her (my own fault there-never again!)

 

read this article i found below....it is a real eye-opener for me...i think my ex felt alot of these things but couldnt put her finger on them as to the exact reason she was losing love for me....

 

 

 

5 reasons as to:

Why Spouses Stray

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.

"Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse," says Shechtman, coauthor along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004). "Despite the cliches -- the midlife crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance -- that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words."

"You have to keep reminding him how lucky he is to have you," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Adams Media Corporation, 2002). "All the propaganda in the world tells us 'keep your man,' 'hold on to your man,' 'jump through hoops for your man,' but your attitude should be 'If you want to go, I'll help you pack'...Healthy mutual respect is the best immune system in a relationship."

 

"That's right," adds Shechtman. He says that the harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well...boring. So, focusing on your appearance or attempting to please your partner completely misses the point.

 

5 Warning Signs

 

Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

 

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude can be condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

 

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. "If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful," says Shechtman. "Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages."

 

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. "Selfless devotion is boring," says Shechtman. "Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that."

 

"Having a life of your own is important," says Argov. "When you have your own sense of income and independence, and feel that you can be with or without him, he will smell it and he'll treat you differently."

 

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance.

 

"Even with young kids, a couple must take private time for themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of five books on love and relationships, and professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "Make a rule that you don't talk about the kids until you download your adult issues and experiences for the day together. Keep kid talk out of the bedroom."

 

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication.

 

"Talk to him in a playful way," says Argov. "Banter with him. Be a little sassy and keep it short and sweet. Save the emotional talk for things that are very important to you, and let the rest go -- because when you do raise hell, he has to believe there's merit to it."

 

Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. "Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel," says Shechtman. "Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count."

 

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

 

Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to be all he or she can be, if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be an uninterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

 

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: Get a life.

 

"Have your own friends," says Dr. Schwartz. "Have a job and hobbies you really care about. Don't cancel everything on the spot just because your partner wants you for something -- show that you have boundaries, commitments, and don't just exist for him. Read, read, read! And then talk about books, articles, movies, and news together. Develop an adventurous relationship based on trips, projects, and hobbies."

 

"Set goals and work toward them," Shechtman urges. "Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die."

 

"This is not the '50s anymore," says Argov. "Men tend to view women who don't have goals and objectives as being deadbeat. When they're going to work everyday and pulling all the weight in the relationship, they really begin to resent it when you don't make a contribution."

 

"There's one other point I would make," Shechtman adds. "Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself."

END!

 

what great advice huh?

[UnicornGirl]

ARGH

 

I am so remorseful. We have backtracked, big time. I haven't heard from him. I wonder if the beautiful uncertain glory of the night I went to see his concert will ever return. I gave him a flower and it was wonderful. I HATE THIS NONCHALANCE HE IS PULLING.

 

He really doesn't know how much I love him. I didn't realize how much I love him -- enough to go through all of this hell to be with him. His life is difficult right now (entirely because of the breakup but he's too blind to see that) and I'm here for him, "official girlfriend" "official fiancee" or official nothing. I always am. I have my problems, he has his. He's never going to find a girl that give him 0 problems. No, he has it much better -- he has a relationship that ended because of ordinary problems and can now be STRONGER than any other relationship can! He needs to wake up and smell the coffee and get his rear in gear.

[lost_in_chgo]

Yes and hopefully he wont find a series of girls that get dropped as soon as they present any problems.

[cleoelliptical]

Unicorngirl, I know that breaking contact with him will be hard, but all it is doing is keeping you in Limbo. Never think that what you did was wrong about telling him how you feel, or else that would eat you up inside. And if he can't take the heat, he should get out of the kitchen.

 

I am going through this week what you have similarly been going through. We get along great, we have great, wonderful times together, but he didn't love me in a romantic way. There is so much more involved in the story, but I'll save it for another time. My ex since Monday wants to stay friends. But since I still have feelings for him, his friendship would keep me tunnel-visioning where I place all my focus on what could happen. Not be able to see clearly that there are other wonderful people out there who would want to make me happy; not stuck in confusion, not having to worry if I said the right or wrong thing; because they were willing to embrace those fears and worries. They want you and they know they want to be with you.

 

I bet you are an amazing girl. Full of passion and beauty. All this person is doing is sucking you dry for everything you are. He's not worth it, no matter how well you too got along. He's blind to see that you are all of these things. Be with someone that can see them clearly. But as long as you are friends with him, you want see that there is someone else looking right you.

 

My ex tells me all the time that I am the most amazing person he has ever met. But, who cares. There are other people who see that as well, and one day I will find that person who loves me back.

 

I feel for you, I really do. Heck, I gotta spend some time on focusing on myself again. I suggest you do the same.

[Gottabestrong]

HI Unicorngirl,

 

how are you doing? Have you heard from your ex yet or contacted him? How are you feeling? Hope you are doing okay.

[Patiently waiting]

I am reading everyone's posts and thinking, wow, these people are pretty advanced for their ages as far as understanding the dynamics of relationships. I am 38 and am actually just figuring this out for the first time, and not on my own, but with your help! Perhaps what it is, is that you all are wise beyond your years but your love interests are at the level they are at due to their age, "normal" maturity level, and lack of experience in these situations overall.

 

I didn't know for sure, but from what I have been reading, I thought you all were much older at first. I know men (and women), that are in their 40's and 50's that don't have their heads screwed on as well as you all do!

 

I am glad you guys are the future, maybe one day because of you and others like you, the world will finally grow up!

[pancakepalace]

Hello all,

 

I didn't read the whole thread, just the 5 or 6 last posts. Here is what I think based on them. First I must say I agree with Weird. People today just aren't willing to really try and run away at the first sign of problems. This is really sad because solving problems is what life is all about. How could we learn things otherwise? All my learning experiences came with some bad falls and mistakes. I guess we live in a time of fast moving cars and 10 second weather reports. Heck these little posts are nothing more than 5 cent psychology written on a whim by non-professionals. But, I read them anyhow. Go figure?

 

Ok, on to you Unicorn.

 

I think you are analysing way too much. This is way dangerous because you are trying to guess what your ex is thinking. This means the next time you talk and ask him what was going in his head for such and such event he will answer and you will only half listen because subconsciously you will have already made your mind up by overanalysing things. You definitly need some time to calm your nerves. You don't seem ready for a second chance. Only when you have a balanced mind and body could you even consider getting back together. Any other way would mean this second chance doesn't come from a fresh dissposition on your part. You owe it to yourself and your couple to stop analysing and simply enjoy yourself and put your mind at rest. Only after truly believing he might never come back will you be ready to get him back. A few things might help.

 

1. Semi-NC or total NC until you both feel good and ready to talk

2. Listening to Parliament on a daily basis. Good vibes will make your mind happy.

3. Eating a nice juicy red apple.

4. Take long baths in sea-salt with candles.

 

You are the hottest girl. Life is beautiful. Time will heal you like the shinning light hitting your body and soul in the morning while you enjoy that last snooze.

 

Good luck!

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

HI Unicorngirl,

 

how are you doing? Have you heard from your ex yet or contacted him? How are you feeling? Hope you are doing okay.

 

Aww, thanks for checking on me. How sweet. I am doing fine. He called me Friday afternoon to tell me he had seen a famous person on the street. He said, "I can't really talk right now, I just wanted to tell you something ..." proceeds with story ... "So, yeah, I thought that was interesting. I'm off to lunch now but maybe I'll talk to you later." I haven't called him since then. I don't know whether I want to or not. He said a while ago that he doesn't want me to feel obligated to call him. I don't -- I just can't decide whether I want to or not. I kind of feel like I want to be pursued, I want him to call me and see what's going on and why I haven't called. Or maybe he's truly not expecting me to call him back, in which case calling him would probably boost his ego. I DON'T KNOW -- I don't know if I want to call or not! I keep feeling resentful and mean. Argh.

 

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

I am reading everyone's posts and thinking, wow, these people are pretty advanced for their ages as far as understanding the dynamics of relationships. I am 38 and am actually just figuring this out for the first time, and not on my own, but with your help! Perhaps what it is, is that you all are wise beyond your years but your love interests are at the level they are at due to their age, "normal" maturity level, and lack of experience in these situations overall.

 

I didn't know for sure, but from what I have been reading, I thought you all were much older at first. I know men (and women), that are in their 40's and 50's that don't have their heads screwed on as well as you all do!

 

I am glad you guys are the future, maybe one day because of you and others like you, the world will finally grow up!

 

Thank you Maybe the different "levels" you're speaking of are true ... that would explain a lot.

 

I know my ex at least seems to have an extremely childish view of breakups and what they should entail. His previous relationships were very juvenile and he abandoned hope very quickly when things got wrong. He described one of his previous relationships as "We didn't really like each other anymore."

 

I also feel that his lack of experience and immaturity is shown through the fact that he keeps giving excuses for everything involving contact between us -- why we can't get together X weekend, why he couldn't call, little excuses as to why he's acting like the typical jerk he swore to me he wasn't and that I could trust that he wasn't. Forget that, dude! You are acting exactly like that jerk you thought you were above. Hopefully he's getting scared by the fact that I act like I don't care. In fact, I don't care -- I've come to expect very little from him as a friend, he's really a horrible one right now and has proven himself quite the liar by abandoning me after years of honest promises that he now says were made when his mindset was different in order to excuse himself the reality of the fact that he's really screwed things over.

 

I am glad you are figuring things out, Patiently, and that the board can help you. It's really helpful to know that others are going through the experiences that you are and sharing what we learn helps a lot.

 

 

Originally posted by pancakepalace

 

You owe it to yourself and your couple to stop analysing and simply enjoy yourself and put your mind at rest. Only after truly believing he might never come back will you be ready to get him back. A few things might help.

 

 

You are the hottest girl. Life is beautiful. Time will heal you like the shinning light hitting your body and soul in the morning while you enjoy that last snooze.

 

Good luck!

 

Very good advice. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you all for your wonderful responses.

[Weird]

Aww, thanks for checking on me.

 

I tried doing this in a PM I sent earlier in the week but ya never replied to it.

 

Anyway, hope you're doing well.

[lost_in_chgo]

yeah immaturity is a pain.

 

But the question is will they grow out of it?

 

My ex would say we'll see instead of yes or no, or I don't want to, or whatever.

Then she'd just run. Too much pressure for her to talk to me I guess.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Weird

 

 

I tried doing this in a PM I sent earlier in the week but ya never replied to it.

 

Anyway, hope you're doing well.

 

Oops! I always forget to check if I have PMs ... so I just saw it. Thank you!

 

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

But the question is will they grow out of it?

 

Hopefully.

 

 

Anyway. My ex called Friday as I said above, then called me and left a message this afternoon to tell me he'd been home for the weekend and wanted to tell me about a play he'd seen. He said to call him back, and we could talk about "that, or whatever else you want."

 

I called him back later and he wanted to try to talk in the ten minutes before he went to the gym (infuriating that he goes to the gym so often, he never went before until I "reformed" him and helped him be healthy ... argh! I helped him with so much and now when he goes on living his life with the lessons he's learned from me it just BUGS me!) but I said why didn't he call me after the gym.

 

He called, and we talked about the play and then I said I had to go. He was a bit reluctant to get off the phone, saying "I hope you have a good week" and "I guess I'll talk to you again soon."

 

I don't get it. I'm getting weird vibes from him. I'm really frustrated. But I think people deserve to be forgiven for their bad behavior, so I'm letting his weird attitude just be as it is and not bugging myself about it or trying to figure out what he means. I wasn't really very nice on the phone, just kind of quiet and noncommittal.

 

He needs to realize that he needs to get his act together and come back before he loses me forever. I think the best way to do that may be to stop pursuing him. Not contact him unless he contacts me. Not press the issue of getting together to do stuff. But I somehow get a bad feeling about this, that it will somehow "prove" to him that we can't be together again. One thing he said two weeks ago when we talked about all of this is that he doesn't think it will work to be as close as we were because we have our own separate lives and all of that BS. Funny, since we were extremely long distance last year and stayed together through it all!

 

He's proving himself to be the stereotypical jerk he said he'd never be. Is it an act? I don't know. He always said before that we fought so much because we loved each other so much. He was always there to be my knight in shining armor, constantly sweet, saying no obstacle could ever break us, taking care of me and wanting to be good to me. Now, he's acting like he doesn't love me. The stabbing pain of him saying the things he said before were "from a different mindset" just keeps irking me. He can't mean that. He can't!

 

OH well. We're both going to be home in less than a week. Hopefully he'll contact me and we'll get together and he'll act nice. I just feel like maybe acting like I don't care and not contacting him unless he contacts me COULD end up in him thinking, "OK, so we can't be friends, oh well" and just moving on without caring. I guess my biggest fear in all of this is that he doesn't care about any of these things. Hopefully, that's not the case. Hopefully, it's an act, and he'll be back in my arms 100% soon enough.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi, sorry to hear that you are really frustrated with the situation. I perfectly understand how you are doing, and I wish I could give you some advice, but have no idea what would be best in your situation.

 

I know the feeling of wanting him to do the pursuing, but on the other being worried that not contacting him is going to push him further away. Crappy situation.

 

I am leaving for Montreal tomorrow, and am so excited about it. I have debated with myself whether I should tell him or not, but have decided not to. When I come back and he asks why I have not replied to his message (assuming that he has contacted me in between) I will just state that I have been to Canada, and thereby prove to him that my life does not revolve around him.

 

It seems like the majority of people advices to focus on yourself and have fun without worrying about him.

 

So I am trying to do that and suggest you do that too. Can you go away for a few days? I think a change of scenery will do me really good, even if it is only a few days.

 

I hope you are doing better when I come back from my vacation and you had a great time!

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by UnicornGirl

 

(infuriating that he goes to the gym so often, he never went before until I "reformed" him and helped him be healthy ... argh! I helped him with so much and now when he goes on living his life with the lessons he's learned from me it just BUGS me!)

 

 

This part made me chuckle. I swear for a while I felt like I was running a finishing school for guys!

 

I wish I had charged for it.

 

"Rowan's Finishing School~learn to communicate, be in touch with your emotions and needs. Learn how to survive and what you want out of life. Spoiling rotten no extra charge."

[havNfun]

ouch. it is a bummer sometimes that us guys aren't appreciated more in our natural "un-fixed" state.

[RowanRavyn]

Hey that was no remark on the fixed or unfixedness of a guy. I adore my honey just the way he is. =-)

 

It just felt like for a while guys would drop in until I helped them figure something out and then they went on their merry way...

[UnicornGirl]

I stop contacting him, and he calls. Twice. Then two random e-mails, about literally nothing, came from him this week. Now, on Thanksgiving, I don't hear a word from him. This is crap. He ruins everything.

[Weird]

didnt even say happy thanksgiving to you? Weak. Sounds to me like maybe he is trying to do some mind playing. Here's hoping he eventually did contact you and wish you a happy thanksgiving.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Weird

didnt even say happy thanksgiving to you? Weak. Sounds to me like maybe he is trying to do some mind playing. Here's hoping he eventually did contact you and wish you a happy thanksgiving.

 

Quite weak. It could just be that he is freaked out since I haven't called him and doesn't know what to do. However, that is the best-case scenario, and to put it bluntly, I expect nothing above the worst from him now.

 

At 6 pm today, still no call. We didn't specify that he would call, and we didn't talk about getting together over the holiday break at all. But I still feel like I don't want to call him.

 

My last real chance to see him is tomorrow, or, I guess, we could go to breakfast on Sunday before our planes leave. He didn't even call to see that I got home all right, now that I think about it! But I think if he doesn't call, I might give in and call him so that we have a chance to see each other. I really want to call. But I just have this yucky feeling about it -- like he's going to act surly for no apparent reason, or make no mention of getting together.

 

The best way this could work out would be for him to call me tonight! Grrr

[pancakepalace]

I really want to call. But I just have this yucky feeling about it -- like he's going to act surly for no apparent reason, or make no mention of getting together.

 

I know this feeling. I have been dealing with it for the past 2 weeks.

 

I think you need to answer a few questions for yourself before you do call.

 

1. Was it clear, when you last talked who would be calling next. In my case for example, she is supposed to call for a doctor's appointement. She assured me she would call and invite me (she is pregnant). So I am not calling unless the doctor's date passes by without a call from her. I know it is suppose to be in the next week or so. Basically, if it is clear that he should be calling, clear for him and you, than I don't think you should call. If there is some ambiguity here, and since you are leaving town then you might consider calling.

 

2. If you do call, you have to be sure you are truly ready. By the sound of your posts, I am not sure this is the case. You say, for example, that he may make no mention of getting back together and that this might not go well with you. I think the definition of being ready for the call should include absolutely no hopes of any kind. You have to be ready for anything and not react badly to anything he has decided etc...It might well be that he has a new-girlfriend and doesn't want to get back together. In this case you would have to be understanding and not make a scene. You have to totally respect his wishes. If he doesn't mention the relationship than tough. Maybye he isn't ready or maybye he doesn't care for that anymore. Call when you are ready to face all these possibilities. Call only when you can say this to yourself with complete truth:

 

'' I have decided to call him because I still care and am wondering if he still does. However, I care for myself also and will respect his wishes if he doesn't want to reconcile or even talk. I understand he owes me nothing. I know that I want to be in a relationship in which both persons care for each other a lot. If he doesn't care, then I will move on without dissrepecting him. I will find someone who cares.''

 

There a lot of advantages to being the one who waits until the dumper calls. Notably, you will be 100% sure he wants to talk when he calls. We know you want to talk at anytime, but possibly he doesn't. If you call, you might catch him at a bad moment. He then might brush you off and this would hurt. By waiting for his call, you know he is in the absolute best frame of mind and that he wants to talk to you when he calls.

 

Good luck! Keep us updated.

pel