He Says ... "It's Not What I Want Right Now."

[UnicornGirl]

New development with the ex: I went to see him last night and told him I loved him and I would like to be with him. (The details of our breakup are somewhere in this forum.) I told him about the therapy I am going through and gave him some reasons I had discovered that contributed to the problem of ever fully trusting him throughout our 3.4 year relationship.

 

We talked about me being in counseling and he says he's happy that I'm able to grow and get to a point where I can be happy with myself. But, he said since I've made it pretty clear I want to be with him, he felt obligated to tell me he doesn't want to be with me and that being with me is not what he wants in his life right now. That we can't see each other nearly as often as we used to. That he doesn't think we'd be nearly as happy as I thought we would be together.

 

Applying the principles of the book "How to Get Your Lover Back," I told him that was good and that I wanted him to be happy. That I loved him, cared about him, but that I wanted him to be happy most of all. I said that if he was going to come back to me, I would want it to be 100%, nothing less.

 

Then he said he had to get off the phone, and I started to say one more thing. Then I said, forget it, you can go. He got really angry and said this is always something I do -- I start to say something and then say never mind. He was practically yelling about it, and said he wanted to hear it.

 

I apologized and said I thought I was doing him a favor by letting him go, but then opened up and said "I hope you can find someone that will make you happy." I said I hoped they would treat him well and that he would be happy. I tried REALLY hard but I could not hold back the tears, which Blase Harris says is essential. I thought telling him this would show him more than anything else that I want his happiness more than anything.

 

He said in turn that he hoped I would find someone too, and that "Even though you might not believe it right now, there are plenty of people that can make you happy, probably more than I ever did." Also, when I said "I hope this person makes you the happiest person in the world," he replied, "I hope they make me the second happiest." (Meaning he wants me to be the happiest.) Then we said goodbye, and he said to call him sometime this week and I said I hoped we got to see a movie together soon.

 

So, at least I have our situation defined now. But as many people tell me it's hopeless, and that I need to move on, we are still involved in each other's lives, and I don't want to close myself off to this wonderful person. I am just going to try to be there for him through it all and continue to do the small loving gestures recommended in the book. I am pretty upset because I had wanted him to read Mars/Venus, which explained a lot having to do with our arguments and problems, but it's clear I won't be able to show it to him anytime soon.

 

I tried to call him back and tell him I didn't mean I could be with him today, I just thought that we could be happy together and that I was willing to be with him. I was going to ask him about the choice of words "right now," because it implied that he thought maybe one day we could be together. But he wasn't picking up the phone if he was there.

 

Last night tears came to his eyes as I told him I loved him and admired him, and that he would always be so special to me, so much above everyone else. He expressed that he was having a difficult semester and that he couldn't stop feeling so isolated and alone and that it was so odd to have all of his relationships redefined -- he knew his friends before, but he always had me more than them. Now he has to see them as more complex people and he's being forced to see them in a different way.

 

I think this shows that he is pretty messed up right now. He doesn't see any hope in our relationship right now and can't give what it takes to be with me right now. I am accepting his limitations and I told him that I trust him and admire him for doing what he feels is right. I did not beg, plead, or argue with him. In fact, I agreed with him -- I don't want him unless he's coming back to me 100%. The only thing I really screwed up is the tears. When someone cries, you pity them, and you want them to feel better. But that's it. I tried to make up for it by saying, "I'm sorry for the tears, they're just part of it."

 

Anyway. This is what's going on with me, and this is my plan of action: Be there for him. Love him. But pursue other guys if I want to, and if someone better comes along, accept that I may not want to wait for him anymore. I've let him know that I'm here for him always, but I've got to accept that that may not be true. It hurts so badly, and I have been alternately crying and happy for what happened today. If he pursues someone else, I've got to be his confidante about the relationship and always be there for him. I am going to be the world's greatest, most forgiving, and most confident, stable friend because that is all I can do right now.

[Layzie1207]

im sorry that happened but thats always a possibility. i admire you for your strength and i hope i can do what you did someday (hopefully in a different way obviously)

[UnicornGirl]

Then, a few hours later, I tried agreeing with him, and explained, "OK, so I'm understanding now you're saying we'll never be together again, and I think that's a great idea."

 

all of a sudden, he says, "No, no, that's not what I said!" He said he just doesn't want me to expect anything from him. His life is in a shambles because of the breakup, he is doing badly in school and feels isolated from his friends, and I think he simply has nothing more to give. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems guys see relationships as being a lot of work more than women do. Particularly my guy who feels pressure from his parents, his work, everything, and would probably implode if I put pressure on him, too.

 

Finally I said, "OK, so we'll be friends, and I'm not expecting anything, that's great. I think this is a great idea, wonderful." (The great thing about acting like you don't care is that it forces you to not care. Great feeling.)

 

He seemed extremely happy.

 

He then wrote me a casual e-mail having nothing to do with this a few hours later.

 

[Layzie1207]

not to get your hopes up, but that sounds very good

 

right now, im deciding when to contact my ex and tell her this revelation i had about how i treated her for a long time and what she hoped id always see. shes given me so many chances and i said id change before but i never had. but this time its for real, i finally had that epiphany of exactly whats been going on, but i feel like its impossible to prove to her, and im very scared that im not going to be able to get what i want to say across. also, shes not going to wait for me and i havent told her when id like to talk to her so for all she knows it could be in a year. im constantly thinking what it is im going to say to her and i cant sleep at night because im trying to play out all the scenarios in my head and think what to say and how can i prove to her that i understand and htat i really have changed this time because this time it is for real. also, if i have changed, how does she fall in love with me again, or what reason do ihave that she will, the only thing i think about is she did love me once.

 

also, id reccomend trying to help him figure out stuff in his life, because then he really knows your there for him, its not just words

[Weird]

Well it sounds like he may want to get back together but just now isn't a good time so he has to delay it. Very promising and it is cool you are taking that well.

 

I don't know if guys in general think a relationship takes more work than what women think. From my experience (my personal situation and that of friends) it is th woman who puts too much pressure on herslef and the relationship and it drives her crazy because she can't do it along wiht ehr school/job so she just ends the relationship. To me, that is the woman thinking the relationship required more work than needed.

 

I wish my ex could be like some of the females (including you babe:)) on here. It'd be much eaiser to converse with her since she wouldn't be so damn stubborn.

[kisslaboca]

Hi UnicornGirl,

Im sorry to hear about your situation. I've been in a similar situation before and I know how terribly hard it is to care and love someone that does not want to be with you at that moment. I think you are handeling it with a lot of grace: You were corageous enough to say and show your real feelings in a way that was not humiliating or disrespectful either to you or himself. He also was able to tell you his true feelings and the boundaries he wanted withing you two now, in an honest non cruel way and you also handled it very well, sort of giving him the space and wishing him well yet in a supportive way that just says "Im cool with us not being together, but you mean a lot to me and Im here for you if you need me." I think relationships and specially breakups are very complicated and can get really ugly. It is always beautiful when two people can talk so honestly and openly about their feelings and end things in such a loving note.

 

My case was very similar, but when I started agreeing with my ex (he wanted to see other people) and wishing him luck and stuff and not crying, he started kissing me and telling me how much he loved me and we ended up sleeping together though we were still broken up, which put the ball back in his corner. From there it just got worst, as I went through a very stressful time in my life and made demands on him that even I knew he was not able to satisfy at the moment. We left things friendly, he was there for me to the extend that he could, I had to move from his country and before I left I asked him not to contact me as I wanted now to forget. Sort of sad, I wish I could still be in contact, but hey he feels very much like your ex and on top felt the grass was greener, so I decided to just try to let it go. He said if he realized he loved me he would come to my country and get me. Well, it has been 2 months since we have had no contact whatsoever.

 

I know it is really hard to be in your situation. It is like cutting yourself up in slices or something. Part of you is screaming BUT I LOOOOOOVVVVE HIM! but you just got to hold that strong feeling in and play the friend part. I don't know the book you are reading, but I think UnicornGirl, that without stopping your goal to be there for him, you should just step back a bit, in order not to put too much preassure on him at this time and push him back and also to try to give your self a rest emotionally and regain a bit of strength back by focusing on something else as playing supportive friend to someone you love but at the moment want to be in romantic relationship with you is an awful lot of preassure on your self. My ex now and I have broken up a few times before, he has broken up and I he has come back. Last time it took him 6 months. I did what you are doing but then just started concentrating on my work and not so much on him, though I was there for him. That seemed to get his interest more and eventually he started contacting and it all came back. Maybe this will work for you, but no matter what the case, I think you have to give your self a break and be gentle with yourself cause what you are trying to do is a huge emotional sacrife for someone, that although for you deserves it, at the time is being none responsive.

 

In my case, there seems to be no hope at the moment. We are in 2 different continents. I think no amount of NC, strategies or books can make a difference under the circumstances. I wish you lots of luck Unigirl, keep us posted.

[scorpiojimi]

Well I don't know your entire situation, but it sounds like the key words are "right now". He still wants you to be a part of his life, but he has so much pressure on him that you may feel like a burden to him sometimes. He doesn't want to see you hurting over him, but he can't give you what you need "right now" to stop the pain. I'm sure he doesn't want to see you with anyone else just as you don't want him to find someone. The best and toughest thing to do right now is practice patience. He needs to stabilize his life before he can commit to a relationship. You sound like you are being very supportive in helping him get to that point. Just don't add any pressure and things should work out in the long run. In the meantime you need to take care of yourself and try to ease the emotional pressure you must be feeling. I think you gave me some advice previously that said to excercise and eat well and do some things to keep your mind off of your ex. Get involved in a hobby or try a new activity that you find interesting. I hope things work out for you. I know how difficult it is dealing with the uncertainty of getting back together. I think if the two of you take care of your individual needs first the mending of your relationship will take care of itself.

[UnicornGirl]

Thanks for all of your responses. I'm looking over them a lot whenever I get sad or feel hopeless.

 

The worst thing about this is dealing with his horrible behavior. Like he e-mailed me a paper that he wrote for school, a little short story for his French class. I waited a day and then responded with a really short, funny, cute e-mail -- the kind of witty little response you'd try to create for a guy you like (if you're me). I said something in it about Bush being president for the next 4 years, and he wrote back a few minutes later with the response: "Four years and two months. He doesn't leave office until January 2009."

 

This really hurt my feelings. I wrote him a sweet little note that showed him I cared about him and I get criticism back. It was really hard to forgive. I felt like writing back, "I'm so glad you appreciated my e-mail. You're such a great friend!" as a sarcastic jab, but ended up not responding at all.

 

My friend are telling me his behavior is a total joke and that it's time for me to move on. But I love him, and I want to be here for him. I just need a break from this abuse!!!!! It's too bad I don't know many guys (I go to a women's university, so it's difficult to meet guys that are actually interested in getting to know you rather than just looking for casual physical stuff). I really feel like going out on a date with a cute, smart, nice man that APPRECIATES ME for a change!!! The kind of guy my ex used to be before he morphed back to the emotional level of a three-year-old!!!!!

[Weird]

Dude I hate writing witty emails or messages and the person doesn't seem to care and give me some half assed reply.

 

Sorry about the crap you are going through with your ex.

 

Whenever you want to talk to a cool dude just come on here and I'll chat you up. I know it isnt the same as having a guy there to be around but hey, I'll try and cheer you up.

[lost_in_chgo]

"Four years and two months. He doesn't leave office until January 2009."

 

How is that criticism of you? You feel he was correcting an error you made?

It reads more like he wasn't happy about Bush winning and he's counting the days down until Bush is gone.

[UnicornGirl]

Yes, I said Bush would be here for four years, as one tiny piece of a nice, funny, witty message.

 

This was his only response, with no response to anything else I said in the e-mail.

 

I am just boiling over with hatred right now. I can't stand this. THIS from the guy I give my life to. This from the guy who promises me the world. I always worried he'd let me down, and he promised he never would whenever I worried about it. I have given him SO MANY second chances, but I don't get this measly one.

 

The killer: when he said he sees all the promises he made and the "choices" he made with me were things he did when he was "in a different mindset," and now he's in a new mindset.

 

I think this is what Bridget Jones meant by "emotional f***wittage."

 

Yes I know I'm not adhering to my quote in my signature but that quote is crap today. I hate this!!!!!

[Rayne84]

I know you want your ex back, but I hate to tell you that crap is going to be this way for a while. He probably did not notice he was being curt with you, and if he did he did it to put distance bwteen you two as to not "give you ideas" in the most gentle way possible; and the fact that you're so bothered with it proves you're not nearly as detached from the siituation as you should be to make yourself happy. I'm sorry, there's a difference between keeping the door open for reconcilation and leaving the door so open that it destroys you.

 

I can tell you right now that my ex behaved exactly like yours in the couple months following the breakup, and until I had already detached and moved on did he nevr change his stance. Until you do that, he's just going to take advantage of the fact that you're there for him, and you're going to consistently feel like ass. Even then, he may not start pursuing you 9 months after the breakup like mine did, and you cannot count on the fact that he may, or that will destroy you, too. You may discover if/when he does that you don't want him back at all. That was my first opinion in that situation. Just trust me on this. I've been there.

 

You NEED to move on. Easier said than done, I know; but forget about this guy for a while. Seriosuly. Stop initiating contact, and don't really talk to him when he tries to talk to you. I'm not telling you to do this as some backwards way to get him back, you need to think beyond that now. Now you need to think of yourself, #1. He's obviously not thinking of you, is he? Men are different, UnicornGirl. Especially if he's not getting any nookie from you or seeing another girl, they're pretty decisive on their decision to leave for a while.

[UnicornGirl]

Yeah ... I know what you're saying, Rayne. I have to come to terms with the fact that, as my friends have ALWAYS told me, he is about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. (They consistently chastised me for dating him because they said I could do better.) I have some romanticized vision of him being the only guy I'm ever with, or the guy that I will always love no matter what other guy comes and goes. I think it's time to let go of that fantasy.

 

He is taking advantage of me! You're right. He's taking advantage of the fact that there is a beautiful, intelligent, successful young woman who's said she will be there for him, who says she wants to be in a relationship with him. I certainly do not think his behavior warrants that. I've spent the past couple of weeks being loving, now's the time to show him I am not going to put my life on hold for him. I seriously think he doesn't think I'll date other guys! How ridiculous! If a good one comes along, he will have missed his chance.

 

Originally posted by Rayne84

Men are different, UnicornGirl. Especially if he's not getting any nookie from you or seeing another girl, they're pretty decisive on their decision to leave for a while.

 

I don't quite understand what you mean, here ... men are decisive on his decision to leave for a while especially if he's not seeing someone else? What do you mean?

[Rayne84]

What I meant is, men who cheat are generally insecure in the first place and are more prone to vascillate back and forth between their ex and their new girl toy of choice. My father did it to my mother for many years; I've had it happen to friends. These are people who turn to OTHER people to solve their problems for them and impulsively leave one person for the other many times. Understand what I mean? Look at these boards..in a majority of the breakups there's another person in the picture and they keep getting drunken phone calls and random utter bullsh*t about wanting to get back together. Your ex is doing none of these, to my knowledge. In the end, be thankful for this. It's fake and immature.

 

Now my ex never cheated on me, and never had a girl when I still wanted him (still hasn't since myself, but that's besides the point.) What I mean is, nothing and nobody influenced his decision to leave me but himself. When you make decisions sans any outside influences, would you not agree they are more well-thought out and solid decisions? For instance, my ex told me he had been thinking about leaving me for two months before he did. I look back now and I see how much he was struggling with himsel at that timef, trying to convince himself he could make things work between us, and alone. He is also a person very tentative to make decisions, and could never, ever be described as "impulsive". Once he did make that decision, he still cared about me very much, and felt $hitloads of guilt and responsibility for my well-being, and jealousy when some of our mutual male friends leaped at the chance to try to "get" with me; but nothing I did in the 4 months after we broke up when I still wanted him back got him back. I tried everything you're doing now, Unicorn. I never read that book, but I read a lot of books my mother had around the house from when my father left her; all doing with how to "get your lover back" with very similar philosophies. "Keep loving them anyway, be strong in your love and they'll come back" etc. etc. etc. I'm sorry, but only in rare circumstances is that possible, and almost certainly never with a man. You read Men are from Mars...he's in his cave and you keep trying to drag him out!

 

If I sound like I'm being harsh, but I'm not; just trying to help. You just remind me so much of myself a little over a year ago, and I can totally feel everything you're going through. Just let him go. You are obviously too good of a young woman for this guy. Really put yourself on the market for casual male acquaintenceship (sans sex of course) and look at the reaction you'll get. In the end, just do anything to move on with your life. Me? When registration came around for the semester, I bombarded myself with 16 credit hours and got a 30 hour a week job. I still look at that semester fondly-I had a blast and felt incredibly productive, and did a lot of self-healing.

[UnicornGirl]

OK, cool. I appreciate your insight. So how are things going with your ex as of late?

 

The only problem with all of this is ... this guy goes to school an hour away from me, and we don't have mutual friends. He'll never get word of me dating unless I mention it to him. How do I deal with this???

 

I've tried to drop small hints when we're together, like mentioning this one guy that was pursuing me for a while but only physically ... but he really doesn't seem to give a ****! I have this sinking feeling he thought it might be a pathetic attempt to make him jealous, though that's not what it was. Hopefully, he does care, but it really doesn't seem like it. He was rarely jealous of guys that pursued me when we were together, and if he was, he would just tell himself not to worry about it. That always hurt like hell.

 

And if he initiates contact and get-togethers, what should I do? Refuse? I really feel that if I end everything with him he'll just get depressed and go away. I don't think he'll ever pursue me, especially with the distance.

 

I drafted an e-mail that I might send to him about some of this, but I don't know if I will send it. Basically the whole thing is agreeing with him wholeheartedly about not having a relationship, but then asking him if he would explain why he expressed this "No!" feeling when I mentioned "OK, so the status quo is that we'll never be together again." Argh!

[Weird]

*hugs* for the crap you are going through.

 

Welcome to the world of crazy humans. I know how it feels and it is so damn frustrating.

[Layzie1207]

same here, i really dont know what to think anymore

 

i know my ex had waning feelings about wanting to break up for quite awhile, but thats because i treated her badly. im hoping i can get another chance now that i recognized my faults and im working on them and i know i would never treat her like that again. i hope she can recognize the change i made and that she had always wanted and give me another chance. does that sound reasonable?

[UnicornGirl]

Thank you Weird

 

 

Layzie, yes, that is possible. But it seems your girl may have moved on to a loving, fulfilling relationship with her best friend. I think it may be best to honor that relationship as what she feels is best for her. She may come back to you someday, she may not, which would be sad since she was important to you. But I think the best thing for you is to fill the void that she's left with other things and keep making those good changes in your life for YOU, not for her. If she comes back into your life, then you can make space for her and welcome her if you so choose.

[Layzie1207]

yea, but there are so many odds and ends that i cant know about because of the no contact. the last time i was with my ex all i kept hearing was SHE DOESNT WANT THE BEST FRIEND, SHE DOESNT WANT HIM and so on and so forth. also when i asked her if she loved him she said she thought she had but some of the things i said about him made sense, like i didnt think they could ever be physical together and she said she respected me too much to go out with him (so soon i guess). she also said she needed time to let him go, but im not sure if those comments were spur of the moment. he is also supposed to leave in january to go to california and if he doesnt go im sure she would be very upset with him because his life is going nowhere. i also know for a fact that he has no idea how to love. his best friend was telling me about him and how he is very selfish, and how he has never been in a relationship or even with a girl before. i hope that she was just very close to him then thought she might love him after all this crazy stuff was happening with me and he was there for her and maybe during the no contact things will become clearer, especially because i told her that i was going to try and figure myself out and continue to love her. it also seemed she still had a lot of feelings for me during our break and the feelings really seemed to go away after i became extremely crazy and obsessed. i hope that some space can clear that too, hrmph, so many feelings i could type for hours, but ill try to space it out in between posts lol. i have a plan about what im going to say to her when i see her, because that is all i think about, and id love to share it with everyone and see what you guys think.

 

i also just know that she would never come back to the person i was, that is why i am so anxious to get the ball rolling and show her the new me, because i feel that the person i am now is amazing and the best person in the entire world for her.

[kisslaboca]

I drafted an e-mail that I might send to him about some of this, but I don't know if I will send it. Basically the whole thing is agreeing with him wholeheartedly about not having a relationship, but then asking him if he would explain why he expressed this "No!" feeling when I mentioned "OK, so the status quo is that we'll never be together again." Argh!

 

No! I don't think you should send this email UnicorGirl. I think Rayne84 gave you good advice about how men go to their caves and you should just not preassure AT ALL. I think asking him why that No! feeling may feel like preassure to him and may drive him farther away. I only say this from personal experience with my ex who acted a lot like yours, and he did come back. I did give him space and it happened after 6 months of us being apart. I thought it would never happen. He also was so confusinf and sort of sending mixed signals yet making it clear that he did not want a relationship at the time. I think the best thing for you now is to remain open to him if he contacts, just casual and stuff. To stop all talk about the relationship or relationship related things would be good too. For guys in the situation where your ex is having to explain their feelings feels like preassure, believe me. When they shut off like this, the best thing is to keep it light, casual and talk about relationship IF they bring it up.

 

I was reading one of those Mars Venus book that talked about men needing this away time and it being normal and how we women get all worked up about it for nothing. That they come back on their own all you have to do is focus on something else for a while. I thinkthe book is called Mars Venus starting again or something like this.If you dont' want to buy it go to the book store and read through it. I think this stuff was towards the end of the book.

 

I know is a really hard, painful and confusing time for you. But you really have no control over what he wants or thinks right now. Maybe he doesn't know himself right now. They really do come back when you totally disconect, it is weird, like magic or something. Its like when you've really got your groove going, you naturally send out this vibes that their antenea pick up or something, and all of a sudden they want you. I really like Rayne84 advice and think its right on the mark and will prove very helpful to you if you follow it.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by kisslaboca

No! I don't think you should send this email UnicorGirl. I think Rayne84 gave you good advice about how men go to their caves and you should just not preassure AT ALL. I think asking him why that No! feeling may feel like preassure to him and may drive him farther away. I only say this from personal experience with my ex who acted a lot like yours, and he did come back. I did give him space and it happened after 6 months of us being apart. I thought it would never happen. He also was so confusinf and sort of sending mixed signals yet making it clear that he did not want a relationship at the time. I think the best thing for you now is to remain open to him if he contacts, just casual and stuff. To stop all talk about the relationship or relationship related things would be good too. For guys in the situation where your ex is having to explain their feelings feels like preassure, believe me. When they shut off like this, the best thing is to keep it light, casual and talk about relationship IF they bring it up.

 

I was reading one of those Mars Venus book that talked about men needing this away time and it being normal and how we women get all worked up about it for nothing. That they come back on their own all you have to do is focus on something else for a while. I thinkthe book is called Mars Venus starting again or something like this.If you dont' want to buy it go to the book store and read through it. I think this stuff was towards the end of the book.

 

I know is a really hard, painful and confusing time for you. But you really have no control over what he wants or thinks right now. Maybe he doesn't know himself right now. They really do come back when you totally disconect, it is weird, like magic or something. Its like when you've really got your groove going, you naturally send out this vibes that their antenea pick up or something, and all of a sudden they want you. I really like Rayne84 advice and think its right on the mark and will prove very helpful to you if you follow it.

 

OK, I am understanding better what "pressure" really is. I didn't see before how asking him questions about these things can pressure him. He seemed kind of shocked and sad when I said I understood he couldn't give any more right now and be with me, and that that was fine with me because I didn't want him back unless it was 100%. He just kept emphasizing "I don't want you to expect anything from me."

 

The only problem is I hate spending time with him like this. I used to be kind of hopeful when we spent time together but now I see he is acting as if he is not attracted to me in the least and has only the most distant of business-casual relationships with me. It is humiliating and hurtful and I am tired of it. So should I just stop spending time with him alltogether?

 

For reference here was what I was going to say in the e-mail:

 

I am a little confused after our conversations this weekend. I told you that I love you and that I want to be with you. But you didn't think that was a good idea.

 

You said that right now, at this point in your life, you don't want this relationship. You are no longer interested in me, but would enjoy a casual friendship, meaning you would like to see me every few months should I be available and meaning you will not think of me often if at all, seeing as you are busy with schoolwork and your social life, which I agree, are far more important than anything else. I'd prefer that the relationship work. But you're right, it's impossible. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone that you no longer love or want a future with. You're a very smart and independent person, it shows you've got courage and I admire that.

 

But when I said the next day, "Okay, so you've established that you and I will never be together again," you replied, "No, that's not what I said." I ask that you would bear with me, as I know I'm probably just confused. It is likely that I just misheard you or there was some communication problem. But I wonder if you would tell me what my error was (if there was one) in extracting from what you'd said that we will never be together again.

 

Is this pressuring? Hmmm ... I'm not sure. What do you think?

 

I guess I am having the hardest time with the concept of totally ignoring him leading to him wanting to come back. I just don't understand how this could happen. I feel like if I stop contacting him, he will stop contacting me.

 

And how do I deal with him asking me to call him? When we last talked he said to call him sometime this week. Do I not call? Or what? Any advice? I just wish we lived closer, the hour-long distance makes this whole thing harder.

 

Thank you all so much for your support. Between this board, my counselor, and my fabulous friends, I can always drag myself out of these bad moods and negative thinking modes.

[guest girl]

Yes, it's pressuring. Refrain from bringing up the relationship AT ALL.

 

When my boyfriend broke up with me, I kept making references to it, even though I didn't think it was pressuring at all, and he kept backing off.

 

Finally I decided to accept him as my friend, treat him like a friend, and didn't bring up any relationship discussion (just had fun like I do with any friend), and he started to come around.

 

If you can't handle just being friends with him, then you might not be right for him in any other way, either. Many good relationships are based off solid friendships, and if that's all he wants right now, you need to give it to him if you truly love him.

 

Accept that you may never get him back, relax, and focus on yourself. Let him contact you. Be light and casual. Don't say anything about the relationship or even loving him. It didn't work to bring him back before, and now it will only drive him further away. He knows you love him. He knows you want to be with him. Show him what he doesn't know...that you can be cool and relaxing to hang out with, without any pressures.

[Weird]

I know all about a business/casual type "friendship" with an ex. I am getting that right now. My ex acts like that and it is pretty silly to do in my book.

 

I think these people that are like that do it simply because they think they know exactly what we want (so they assume we want to get back together RIGHT NOW) and think acting like semi-strangers around us is the way to handle things. It is silly because in my case I don't want to get back with my ex because she needs to actually mature past a level fo a 12 year old in how she handles things yet I am pretty sure she acts the way she does because she thinks being cool and open with me will give me ideas that we will get back together in the near future which again, isn't the case and I have even told ehr that.

 

If I was your ex I would be open/cool with you and not try and push you away because of whatever insecurities I may have.

[UnicornGirl]

Exactly, exactly, Weird ... he thinks I am trying to ensnare him and trap him inside of my evil lair of a relationship where he can never get out. So he acts like I am a distant cousin that he's being forced to have lunch with. All of his claims that I was the most beautiful girl in the world must have been false, seeing as he no longer finds me attractive as far as I can tell from his behavior -- glassy-eyed, distant, unfeeling, not indicating he's worried he'll lose me forever at all. Funny, because all of my friends have been telling me I'm looking much better since we broke up, that I seem more mature and confident than before.

 

I think as the dumpees, we are forced to let go of a lot of our insecurities, but the dumpers are still boxed up in their little "me me me" world. Your ex sounds exactly like mine, not wanting to "give any ideas" or make you "expect" anything -- which in reality, I think, shows that they DO want you back, but they want to act like a stubborn toddler. They want to live in the fantasy world in which a very special, beautiful individual is madly pursuing a relationship with them even if they treat this person like crap.

 

My guy can't avoid feeling "isolated" from his friends. He went out to dinner with a girl he knows from school recently and when he was telling me about it couldn't stop talking about how much of a flake she was. Does it make me jealous he's going out to dinner with her? Yes, of course. Do I act jealous? No. I ask him who he's hanging out with nowadays, and he says a few people, but there's no one he really connects with. He hangs out with his female neighbor a lot, who is a pot-smoking slacker that he tries to play off as his "really awesome, eccentric, interesting, (with great emphasis on the fact that she's FEMALE) friend" to me. He NEVER asks me who I'm hanging out with, or makes any inquiries as to the state of my life. He just talks, talks, talks about his schoolwork and how unhappy he is, which is what he used to yell at me for. He's most likely lonely and still in love with me, but he looks into my eyes with a cold, blank stare most of the time, trying to act like I don't mean a thing to him. He avoids walking too close to me and whenever I go visit him at school and we go out, he's always looking around anxiously for people he knows so he can talk to them, eagerly ignoring me for them after introducing me as his "friend." I swear he behaves like a socially awkward 7th-grader .. pretty bad for a 20-year-old "man" if you ask me. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad when he indicates, "You're such a great FRIEND, such a great PERSON, wow, it's so cool to be able to know you. But no, I don't want a relationship with you. Don't get your hopes up, because I don't want you."

 

Weird, I wish you were my ex. It would be great! We'd understand each other perfectly.

[Rayne84]

It seems like you're nailing it down, Unicorn. Don't send him the letter. What doesn't sound like pressure to us women will be seen as pressure to a man who needs his own space. And yes, you can't bring up to him the men that pursue you-it totally comes off as a fake attempt to make him jealous.

 

When I wasn't speaking to my ex, I was actually living at home for a semester and taking classes at the community college (I was mid-transition from one state university to the other and badly needed money, so I stayed home and got a job.) Because our school is 3 hours away from our hometown, I really saw him only once that whole semester; 2 months after I had pretty much cut off contact with him. He kept calling me and IMing me when I stopped showing an interest, but I was simply polite, if not distant. After a while, he stopped trying to contact me so consistently, which was what I wanted. By then, friends from home had told him I had been casually seeing someone else (which I had been); so he attempted to get clingy with me on his visit and I was really cold (I didn't want him getting "ideas" of wanting to come back.) I still do not know if he knows that I also carried on a short relationship with one of his best friends a little after that-something I regret doing. This friend of his is a really, really nice guy but way too emotional for my taste, so it did not work out; but what made me feel guilty was that it was his friend. However, I don't really see it as my ex's buisness at the moment, but if he knows I can imagine it's a source of sadness for him, unfortunately. Lately this same friend has been feeding me lines that he thinks of me a lot and misses me, but I honestly can't see why he's thinking of me a year later when our relationship didn't last more than two weeks.

 

My point is, I pretty much seperated him from my life entirely for a long period of time, even after we were both at the same school. This enabled me to grow substantially as a person, and apparently got his dire need to be alone out of his system. You have to realize your ex is being selfish and "getting his cake and eating it too" at the moment. He knows you love him, so he gets a friendship with you and all the support that comes with it...yet he's calling all of the shots. You need to take control of the situation and do what's best for you. Let him be depressed-he made his bed and now he can lie in it. It's not like he's supporting your sadness over the breakup really well, is he? No, of course not. My ex used to feed me bull$hit lines such as "If I could change the way I felt, I would." If he really had wanted to, he would have...sheer human will is an impressive thing. So impressive, in fact, that I know you can will yourself to live la life of your own without him. It's possible, I promise you. I was guilty of being very dependent in past relationships...and it wasn't until I was dumped that I became a truly independent person. Even if your ex came back now, I don't think you would have completed the growing process as you need to do in order for the relationship to work. That's why most second chances fail, by the way. Even a month or two is not enough time away from the relationship to grow from it.

 

Don't send him emails about your feelings or anything relationship related. Don't talk to him on the phone about it; or at all if you can help it. I'm not telling you to forget about him entirely, or stop caring about him as a human being. I'm telling you to forget you and your ex as a single entitty. I'm telling you to forget your relationship with him-it's over. The future may or may not hold a relationship with him, but now sure doesn't. So, go make the best of it! He's the one losing out, not you.