12 years... Gone

[loneliest]

I am very new to this site but since I have tried everything and nothing seems to help, I thought I would give it a try. My boyfriend of 12 years broke up with me over a month ago. The pain that I feel, is beyond imagination. It is not just the break up that is tearing me apart, it is the fact that he told me he does not love me and doesn't remember ever loving me the past 12 years. It took him 12 years to actually tell me this. He told me he is not responsible for my life and that I should just live my life.

 

Throughout the past 12 years, I helped this guy SO MUCH to get him through school, to make him the person he is today. He graduated 3 months ago. What hurts the most is that I feel abused. I feel like he only needed me to pass the academics and now that he can start enjoying his life he kicked me out of his life. He didn't even give me a chance to be with him after all the school crap is over....

 

I know, I deserve better, life goes on, I will find someone else, he doesn't deserve me... I know it all. But I cannot get passed what has happened to my life. I truly loved this guy, I did everything for him, I was with him through the toughest points of his life. Knowing that he played with me this long and now tells me he has never loved me is killing me inside...

 

I have started on antidepressants, added the dose, etc. Nothing helps. The thoughts keep racing in my mind. I have been cheated on .... Knowing he never loved me, I feel like all my good memories have now vanished too... I am left with NOTHING from the past 12 years of my life. I seriously have nothing to look forward to anymore and I wish I could end it all.

 

It hurts worse each day instead of getting better....I tried so hard to go out with my friends and when I managed to do so and dragged myself after a month to see a friend, she started talking about him and how he has moved on with his life and is happy and all and I broke down again.... I sobbed all night till morning.

 

I am just looking for anything that can give me some comfort... I am desperate... Please help....

[Misfortune]

I am very new to this site but since I have tried everything and nothing seems to help, I thought I would give it a try. My boyfriend of 12 years broke up with me over a month ago. The pain that I feel, is beyond imagination. It is not just the break up that is tearing me apart, it is the fact that he told me he does not love me and doesn't remember ever loving me the past 12 years. It took him 12 years to actually tell me this. He told me he is not responsible for my life and that I should just live my life.

 

Throughout the past 12 years, I helped this guy SO MUCH to get him through school, to make him the person he is today. He graduated 3 months ago. What hurts the most is that I feel abused. I feel like he only needed me to pass the academics and now that he can start enjoying his life he kicked me out of his life. He didn't even give me a chance to be with him after all the school crap is over....

 

I know, I deserve better, life goes on, I will find someone else, he doesn't deserve me... I know it all. But I cannot get passed what has happened to my life. I truly loved this guy, I did everything for him, I was with him through the toughest points of his life. Knowing that he played with me this long and now tells me he has never loved me is killing me inside...

 

I have started on antidepressants, added the dose, etc. Nothing helps. The thoughts keep racing in my mind. I have been cheated on .... Knowing he never loved me, I feel like all my good memories have now vanished too... I am left with NOTHING from the past 12 years of my life. I seriously have nothing to look forward to anymore and I wish I could end it all.

 

It hurts worse each day instead of getting better....I tried so hard to go out with my friends and when I managed to do so and dragged myself after a month to see a friend, she started talking about him and how he has moved on with his life and is happy and all and I broke down again.... I sobbed all night till morning.

 

I am just looking for anything that can give me some comfort... I am desperate... Please help....

 

Sorry about what you're going through, I can relate to your pain. It does sound like he used you IMO. What your friend did was insensitive, sorry you had to hear that when you're nowhere past the trauma. You have lots to look forward to, you just can't see them right now because you're sad and depressed. If you end it, you'll be cheating yourself out of a chance for new happiness. It gets better. We don't always get what we want, but we somehow manage to find happiness again without them....eventually. To tell you that he never loved you is really cruel.

[Knoxpwns]

I am very new to this site but since I have tried everything and nothing seems to help, I thought I would give it a try. My boyfriend of 12 years broke up with me over a month ago. The pain that I feel, is beyond imagination. It is not just the break up that is tearing me apart, it is the fact that he told me he does not love me and doesn't remember ever loving me the past 12 years. It took him 12 years to actually tell me this. He told me he is not responsible for my life and that I should just live my life.

 

Throughout the past 12 years, I helped this guy SO MUCH to get him through school, to make him the person he is today. He graduated 3 months ago. What hurts the most is that I feel abused. I feel like he only needed me to pass the academics and now that he can start enjoying his life he kicked me out of his life. He didn't even give me a chance to be with him after all the school crap is over....

 

I know, I deserve better, life goes on, I will find someone else, he doesn't deserve me... I know it all. But I cannot get passed what has happened to my life. I truly loved this guy, I did everything for him, I was with him through the toughest points of his life. Knowing that he played with me this long and now tells me he has never loved me is killing me inside...

 

I have started on antidepressants, added the dose, etc. Nothing helps. The thoughts keep racing in my mind. I have been cheated on .... Knowing he never loved me, I feel like all my good memories have now vanished too... I am left with NOTHING from the past 12 years of my life. I seriously have nothing to look forward to anymore and I wish I could end it all.

 

It hurts worse each day instead of getting better....I tried so hard to go out with my friends and when I managed to do so and dragged myself after a month to see a friend, she started talking about him and how he has moved on with his life and is happy and all and I broke down again.... I sobbed all night till morning.

 

I am just looking for anything that can give me some comfort... I am desperate... Please help....

 

I'd totally give you a f**kin' awesome hug IRL if I could, but other than that, I don't think any of us can offer you any real comfort. Not that I wouldn't if I could, but that literally nothing we can say would really help you feel better. I know it won't because at one point I needed the same comfort as you do. Hell, I still wouldn't mind it.

 

I know how you feel, while my ex monkey-barred me out of a 6 year relationship, realizing they don't love you anymore or never did is just barbaric. every special moment that was full of love now twists your gut; they have become a horrific nightmare...

 

I have such empathy. Investing the whole of yourself and more, living your life unaware that they are living in this cloak of deceit. The moment when you realize your love was never actually reciprocated...

 

I'm really sorry you are going through it. Don't make any rash decisions. The fact that you gave him so much shows your strength, regardless of his throwing it back in your face. Being happy with someone else is the only way you will ever really be able to stick it to him.

[coffeebean201]

This is serious.

Feels like betrayal?

 

The fact he is out and happy and moved on with his life means that he emotionally left a while ago. He probably loved you a lot during your relationship but now maybe feels suffocated and probably guilty about what he has put you through.

 

I find some very successful men expect the women in their life to "carry them", and that they are "lucky" to even be around these successful men.

 

With the next relationship (either with him/someone else) - put down your foot and insist they carry more of their own weight, mind you - it is so very difficult with immature guys to have them toe the line properly and they wear out their women.

[anythingbut]

Hey, really sorry to read about this. And yes, like some of the guys above I know how you are feeling.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

You have to be aware that you have got tough times ahead and you'll need to be stronger than you ever have to get through them, but you will get there.

 

I have found that coming on here, putting my feelings up for scrutiny, has really helped, as has reading other people's stories and knowing that I'm not alone and there's a bunch of other cool guys out there dealing with the same.

 

There are some similarities in our stories; the main thing that jumped out to me is that I supported my ex through university and then she decided to up and leave a couple of months before graduation.

 

It stings, it really stings.

 

But what's the alternative? They stay with us by way of saying 'thanks' or showing their gratitude to us? Nah, we'd rather they loved us unconditionally... which they don't anymore - and that's the part we need to accept, which is obviously the hardest

 

Keep visiting here and posting your thoughts and feelings up so we can support you - it will help.

 

...and start doing some things that take your mind off the past and the future - exercise is great for forcing you to concentrate on the moment. It'll also make you feel and look good

[Lost_Soul_86]

Heart break is a fked up thing!

My ex broke up with me 6 months ago after 9 years so i know how hurt you must be feeling.

 

In all honesty i don't believe he never loved you, i don't think someone could be that evil, twisted and down right heartless to lead you on for so many years without feeling the slightest bit of love towards you. Maybe that was his way of letting you go? Maybe he thinks the more he hurts you the easier it will be for you to let go? These are things you will probably never know but tormenting yourself with all of these questions doesn't help, trust me I've been through them all. I was told by my ex that there's a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.

 

I find comfort in reading other peoples stories as i realize out of the millions of people around the world there are A LOT of heartbroken people out there. One day you will find someone that appreciates you, cares for you and truly loves you and you will look back at this and think why the hell did i waste my time with this jerk.

 

There is literally nothing i can say to help you as nothing anyone has said to me has helped me so far, all we can do is fake a smile and get on with our life's. You will get through this i know right now its hard to believe but 6 months from now you will feel a whole lot better i promise.

 

Relationships last not because there destined to last but because two people made a choice to keep it, fight for it, and work for it. He chose to walk away now its your choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start creating the next chapter in your life.

 

*hugs*

[Miss P]

I know how you feel, my past relationship has similarities to yours & this quote helped me to move on.

 

"What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t happened yet".

 

 

I know it's hard, but happier times are ahead & you will find someone who will treat you so much better. x x x

[Apparition]

I'm sorry but your friend is an idiot. Why on earth are they even speaking of your ex and especially in that way? IDIOT. You need better friends, ones who will actually comfort you instead of bringing up your ex to rub it in your face. I feel for you, but there is nothing anyone can do for you. My heart ached for you when you said "please help" at the end of your thread. This has only been over a month and you were with him for 12 years, this is a very long time. It will take a long time to get over him, but the main thing is you will get over him. It takes time, and it's a pain in the ass to hear that but it's true, time is what we all need for our hearts to heal and for us to process all of our emotions through it. You are grieving, it is normal and everyone goes through it. You will be grieving for a while and you will go through the same stages everyone goes through. Do not think you are alone on this boat, you are not, there are plenty of people out there with the same heartache as you. Do things to make time go faster, instead of staying home crying and moping around, because when you do that, the minutes drag by so slowly and it's so depressing.

 

Force yourself to go out for walks, force yourself to go do things and talk to others. Talk to people on these threads about their situations also. It sometimes helps knowing people out there are feeling the way you do.

 

Good luck!

[loneliest]

Thank you everyone. Just knowing that at least someone in this world heard my pain is a blessing even though I know nothing can help at this point.

I am trying to fake that smile and although it worked for a couple of days now I just can't.

I will keep reading just to feel "noticed". Thank you again.

[Waynester]

I know a little how you feel.. me & my girlfriend lived together in my house. I helped with her job search, writing cv's..etc. I supported her when she was at her lowest.

She has since found the dream job, moved out to be closer to work. Now her life is going great..our relationship is falling apart after she said recently that she is not in love with me the way she used to be..

After all our difficult times & stress, after all the help....now she feels cooler for me.

It hurts.

 

Sorry for your pain, its awful & feels like your life has ended..& that no-one else is going through or experiencing what you currently are.

 

Just know that you are not alone..we are here to listen & help if we can.

 

Hang in there.

[shobee87]

I'm in a similar situation as you. 6 and a hlaf weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 1/2 years left me telling me that he didn't love me and had come to resent me but no real explanation as to what I had or hadnt done to make him feel like this.

 

After the first week he said he wanted us to be friends so about a week later we hung out but I found it very difficult so told him that I needed space to get over him and then maybe we could be friends. He got very upset and convinced me not to stop talking and at the same time I was certain that he still loved me and if I just saw this through we would get back together. Over the next 4 weeks he sent me mixed messages playing hot and cold then 2 days ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I was so upset 9 1/2 years and all I was worth was 6 weeks. Then I found out that tbe new woman in his life was texting him before he left me and whilst there was no physical cheating he left me to see how things would go with that relationship.

 

I told him I wasnt going to speak with him as I felt so completely betrade and I was still in love with him and couldnt handle being around him and his new girlfriend. He became very cold when I said this and abruptly hung up on me.

 

I found a few things out about my ex through this. He is a very good liar as I had no idea that there was another woman involved and that he is very manipulative and deictful. I honestly believe the reason he wanted to be my friend after the break up and not telling me about the other woman was incase it all went pear shaped. If I thought he left because he didnt love me it'd be alot easier for him to come back and say "i've had time and I realised I do love you blah blah blah" then saying "yeah it didn't work out with the girl I left you for, so can I come back".

 

Day 2 of nc and it is killing me! But I am determined to nevver speak with him again.

[KatZee]

People are so ungrateful it's not even funny. I've seen so many comments here how one partner has supported the other, only to have their partner succeed and then walk off into the sunset without them.

 

This seems to be a "thing" because it happened to me as well. Mine lasted 3 years, not nearly as much as 12 years but the betrayal I felt is still something I can relate to with you.

 

I was the one who motivated my ex to leave a job he was miserable in. I'm the one who got him to finally see the doctor and he was diagnosed with a real medical condition that he got medication for and finally was feeling better.

 

I'm the one who encouraged him to follow his dreams, apply to grad schools, I'm the one who stood behind him when he applied and then subsequently was accepted to a great school out of state.

 

I was the one who was his personal cheerleader for a year and a half while he got his degree, graduated, and then got a job back in our hometown.

 

And I was the one who was then dumped the month he finally moved back home to "be with me at last."

 

He started his new job, completely disregarded everything I had done, how much I was there for him, and actually left me for someone he worked with. It was a huge slap in the face. How people can be so cruel, and callous, and how they can use others so horribly is absolutely beyond me.

 

It's not going to be easy for a long time. 12 years is a long relationship, a lot invested. Are you on anti-depressants, or are you talking to a therapist?

[KatZee]

all I was worth was 6 weeks. Then I found out that tbe new woman in his life was texting him before he left me and whilst there was no physical cheating he left me to see how things would go with that relationship.

 

I found a few things out about my ex through this. He is a very good liar as I had no idea that there was another woman involved and that he is very manipulative and deictful. I honestly believe the reason he wanted to be my friend after the break up and not telling me about the other woman was incase it all went pear shaped.

 

Me too! My ex of 3 years met someone at his new job, and wound up leaving me for her. I know he met her and was talking to her before he broke up with me. Of course he didn't tell me this either, he said he needed to be "single." He said he wanted to be "friends" and that he saw us getting back together.

 

Too bad 5 weeks later I found out he was dating this girl. He knew I found out and got completely cold too. Apparently things had been going well with them, and there was no need to be my "friend" for a second longer. He had his security of the new girl.

 

He said some nasty crap to me, was a real a**hole. I too found out he was a huge liar, real deceitful.

 

That was the last day I ever spoke to him, and it's been 15 months since I've seen or spoken to him. Your day 2 will turn into weeks, months, and soon you'll wonder what you ever saw in him!

[shobee87]

I hope it gets easier.

 

I supported him so much. He suffers with deppression and I have been there for him at his darkest times. I've supported him financially when he's walked out jobs. He always controlled the relationship. If he didnt want to do something he wouldnt do it no mateer what it meant to other people and if he did want to do something but I didnt it didnt matter we still did it. There was no give and take. It was only me who compremised.

 

The want to get back with him is deffinetely gone but I just wish I could turn the other feelings off too. I dont want to miss him and I dont want to love him. I just keep having to tell myself that one day I wont feel these things but I have to keep up with the nc for it to work.

[Zomb]

I'm in a similar situation as you. 6 and a hlaf weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 1/2 years left me telling me that he didn't love me and had come to resent me but no real explanation as to what I had or hadnt done to make him feel like this.

 

After the first week he said he wanted us to be friends so about a week later we hung out but I found it very difficult so told him that I needed space to get over him and then maybe we could be friends. He got very upset and convinced me not to stop talking and at the same time I was certain that he still loved me and if I just saw this through we would get back together. Over the next 4 weeks he sent me mixed messages playing hot and cold then 2 days ago I found out that he was seeing someone else. I was so upset 9 1/2 years and all I was worth was 6 weeks. Then I found out that tbe new woman in his life was texting him before he left me and whilst there was no physical cheating he left me to see how things would go with that relationship.

 

I told him I wasnt going to speak with him as I felt so completely betrade and I was still in love with him and couldnt handle being around him and his new girlfriend. He became very cold when I said this and abruptly hung up on me.

 

I found a few things out about my ex through this. He is a very good liar as I had no idea that there was another woman involved and that he is very manipulative and deictful. I honestly believe the reason he wanted to be my friend after the break up and not telling me about the other woman was incase it all went pear shaped. If I thought he left because he didnt love me it'd be alot easier for him to come back and say "i've had time and I realised I do love you blah blah blah" then saying "yeah it didn't work out with the girl I left you for, so can I come back".

 

Day 2 of nc and it is killing me! But I am determined to nevver speak with him again.

 

Hi Shobee... I know exactly how you fell.. I am going through the same exact situation... my girlfriend of 9 years left me 3 months ago... During the last 3 months we were talking every day, but she always said the same thing that: she loved me but she still was confused... Recently I found out that she was having an Emotional Affair... I told her to choose between me or him but she said the same line: "I am confused"... So five days ago I started NC but it’s really killing me... How do you deal with the anxiety of calling you boyfriend?? Do you have any advice??... I think we should open a thread for all us that are going through the same situation, as place to vent all the $hit .... Look forward to your answer

[shobee87]

Hi Shobee... I know exactly how you fell.. I am going through the same exact situation... my girlfriend of 9 years left me 3 months ago... During the last 3 months we were talking every day, but she always said the same thing that: she loved me but she still was confused... Recently I found out that she was having an Emotional Affair... I told her to choose between me or him but she said the same line: "I am confused"... So five days ago I started NC but it’s really killing me... How do you deal with the anxiety of calling you boyfriend?? Do you have any advice??... I think we should open a thread for all us that are going through the same situation, as place to vent all the $hit .... Look forward to your answer

 

Hi Zomb

 

I'm now starting day 3 of no contact so you're actually further on in the nc then I am. The first day was easy I was so angry I didnt want to speak with with him. Yesterday was really tough as angry as I am I still couldnt help missing him. Every time I wanted to soeak with him I wrote a text out saying everything I wanted to say to him but then sent it to myself. I got the grattification of pouring my heart out or venting my frustration without it actually going anywhere. I know that if I make contact I am going to instantly regret it. I've deleted and bloked him off all social network sites, deleted all photos on my phone. I havent deleted his number though. How have you handled it for 5 days? Yesterday was tough but I felt so good going to bed knowing I had stayed strong and kept nc x

[Misfortune]

Thank you everyone. Just knowing that at least someone in this world heard my pain is a blessing even though I know nothing can help at this point.

I am trying to fake that smile and although it worked for a couple of days now I just can't.

I will keep reading just to feel "noticed". Thank you again.

 

Some people are just cold, it's sickening. No freezer can beat them. The one thing they all seem to have in common, is that they always have someone else to latch on to before they ditch you. They can't survive or be alone it seems. They're probably afraid to spend a day alone with the memories of how bad they treated others.

[Cutlose]

Your friend is sooo wrong and I would have told her how that affected you in a negative way. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I'm even more sorry your taking those pills because they do more damage then good. 12 yrs is a lot so I can't say I relate to you with this whole 2 yr thing I got going on, but know this whether you heard it already or not. Once you ACCEPT the fact that this has happened to you, and you accept the fact that it is over and you'll need to move on you will progress. You will feel like you have no more love to give and that's how it should be. You must now take time to rebuild all the love you've given away on someone who didn't deserve it. It will be hard very hard. It took 12 yrs to give I pray it doesn't take twelve years for you to regain it. He might not love you but God does. and he will make your enemy your step stool. hope that cheers up your day just a bit.