Divorced men don't want any more children?

[It's Just Me]

007, you may want to rethink your strategy, as what you're seeing is the truth. Yes, men who are divorced, with child support and alimony to pay for, are a little squirrelly about repeating the experience.

 

Maybe shoot for 30-ish guys? They aren't all ill-mannered, are they? I work with a few, and they are quite sweet and very professional.

[bentleychic]

Au contraire. I probably have more experience than you did before you got pregnant. It's because of my experience taking care of children that I knew I never wanted them. Romantic fantasies shattered by reality. Same with a friend who is a nursery school teacher. After two years of teaching she got her tubes tied. Why do you think fewer and fewer people have or want kids these days? The message is getting out.

 

It's a dirty job so I'm glad you are the one doing it. Thanks!

 

Unless you've actually had your own children (or fostered, adopted or anything in that capacity), you cannot compare teaching, child care, blah, blah, blah with having your own children 24/7. (I babysit 2 children (ages 2 and newborn at the beginning) 12+ hours a day from the time I was 14-16. So I had a bit of experience in taking care of children myself before I had my own. There's still no comparison.)

 

I'm glad I'm the one doing it, too and that you didn't have any since you quite honestly sound like you truly do dislike children. I pray you are not a teacher, given the dislike for children that spews from your posts.

[CptSaveAho]

Au contraire. I probably have more experience than you did before you got pregnant. It's because of my experience taking care of children that I knew I never wanted them. Romantic fantasies shattered by reality. Same with a friend who is a nursery school teacher. After two years of teaching she got her tubes tied. Why do you think fewer and fewer people have or want kids these days? The message is getting out.

 

It's a dirty job so I'm glad you are the one doing it. Thanks!

 

Right, your original post was a projection of your own experience, not the typical thought of a rational/mature/sane person

 

As for the guys you hang out with, it doesnt surprise me one bit that they never wanted kids or that they regret it now. I know people like this, they aren't exactly the creme of the crop so to speak

[bentleychic]

I do know a few wonderful people that got married and chose to never have children. No worries on that. They don't seem to hate children. LOL My choices are not theirs and vice versa. However, if they dare comment on what parents think (especially something as horrific as saying all or most parents regret having children! That's horrendous!) when they don't actually have children themselves, you bet your bippy I'll say something to them about it.

[SugarLips72]

that doesn't make sense what your friend did. it sounds like she would make a lousy mom and a lousy nursery school teacher anyways. It seems like she totally dislikes kids. If so good for her on sterilizing herself not everyone is cut out to be a mom or to work with kids. But you almost always love your kids more than anyone else's. I was never really maternal growing up. Babysat as a teenager growing up that's it. none of my close friends had kids. I could give or take kids until I got married and had one. it changed my life in the best way possible. I had another one. I love both my kids. would I want to work in a classroom of kids all day? Hell no but I love my 2 children more than anything.

 

 

Au contraire. I probably have more experience than you did before you got pregnant. It's because of my experience taking care of children that I knew I never wanted them. Romantic fantasies shattered by reality. Same with a friend who is a nursery school teacher. After two years of teaching she got her tubes tied. Why do you think fewer and fewer people have or want kids these days? The message is getting out.

 

It's a dirty job so I'm glad you are the one doing it. Thanks!

[007]

Whats the matter with a man your own age that has the same life goals as you. You say you are in your 20's... specifically, what is it, because 23 is a lot different than 28 when you want a 35-45 year old.

 

I am 27.

 

I like older guys because I am finding people in my generation are very rude, disrespectful and also i find guys under 35 seem like they do not want to settle down.

 

I would go for guys my age but they would be a fresh off the boat Asian man who grew up in china or some other asian country. lol I just find asian culture in general teaches respect and teaches men to settle down early and asian men are taught to not abandon their children. Their own parents would whoop their ass if they abandon their kids. The importance of family is something very alive in the asian culture.

 

Those of the types of guys and traits that I want in a man. Unfortunately asian men do not find me attractive because I am not built super skinny like an asian woman so I feel like I am too fat for an asian man. LOL

 

So since asian men are not attracted to me. My only option to find a quality man who is respectful, wants to settle down and does not like going out drinking every weekend is someone who is older.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly.

 

Our generation of men sucks.

 

They are entitled, spoiled brats that accuse us of being so.

 

Whining about things, less-than-handy anymore, sexually self-focussed, self-absorbed, disrespecting and often stoned or drunk a lot of the time complaining about "laundry" or how the latest video game didn't stack up to their expectations.

 

I say this after many years of seeing the artificial cut-off line siting right around today's 36-37 year olds.

 

And honestly, I don't think feminism got its message across as "we are equals." it told young men, "dont worry, we can take care of EVERYTHING now." It was more about laziness and ease of access to having a better life at the expense of one's parents. For some reason our parents generation didn't expect men to mature. Women were just supposed to take care of everything. Now we have these overgrown children that are used to Mom holding it together for them.

 

When's the last time you've seen a guy in our age group crack open a relationship book on his own accord?

[PogoStick]

Whenever it comes up that I've been divorced the answer is always the same, "At least you didn't have kids". That alone should tell you people's mindset on the issue.

[FitChick]

As for the guys you hang out with, it doesnt surprise me that they never wanted kids or that they regret it now. they aren't exactly the creme of the crop

 

Successful, educated people have fewer children than uneducated, lower classes who breed like rabbits while taxpayers pick up the tab. In your world a man who fathers ten kids by ten different women is a champion. Idiocracy springs to mind.

 

Interesting factoid from my gynecologist many years ago. She said that patients who were childfree and asked for tubal ligations were either teachers or eldest daughters of large families. Hmmmm...

 

Isn't it interesting how so many parents and stepparents abuse and kill their own kids? There seems to be a story nearly everyday some place. Now, perhaps if we got rid of the Motherhood Myth those people would decide not to breed knowing what is involved in terms of time, money and emotional stress. Nothing wrong with making an educated decision, is there? Unless some of you think we should go back to the Fifties where women were meant to be breeders above all. Depends on your religion, I guess.

Edited August 15, 2013 by FitChick

[danlightbulb]

Nothing wrong with making an educated decision, and there are plenty of reasons not to have kids in this world, but once they are alive and kicking to say most people regret having them (which is the comment you made) is just ridiculous.

 

And yes some maniacs commit violent and inhuman crimes against their own children and its very sad. Many people murder adults too. Bankers commit fraud, police take bribes etc etc. Some people hurt other people but the majority of people love and take care of their kids (even after a divorce - shock horror).

[LilySun]

once in awhile, I do meet men in their 30s who want more, but not as often s those who don't. Unfortunately it will narrow your pool of choices since you want a person with the same goals as you. But usually once they are past that stage, it isnt something they want to go back and do again.

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone

 

I am new to the forum. I joined because I have been browsing the forum for awhile and have been reading alot of great topics.

 

I have been single for a few yrs and I was not dating for a few yrs. Decided to start dating again.

 

I am in my mid 20's but i am attracted to older men between 35-45 is my ideal. Mainly because I find men in my age-group are not mature enough and have little respect and manners.

 

The problem I am finding is that all the older men are divorced and all of them are stating they do not want any more children.

 

Why is this? I thought people who have children always talk about how great it is to have a child and how having a child is the best thing that has happened but then they don't want anymore which doesn't make sense. if children are so great and the best thing that ever happened in your life then wouldn't you want more?

 

I guess i am frustrated because I like and prefer older men. (35-45) but all the older men i meet are mostly divorced which i don't mind they are divorce but most of them state they don't want any more children which is a dealbreaker to me.

 

Can any divorced men on this forum please give me an insight. Why is this?

 

1. No matter what, not all men will think the same.

2. A man who is in his late to mid 40's probably doesn't want children because his body is older and taking care of a child until he's nearly 60 probably sounds daunting and exhausting. That said, there are still men who will choose to Father children later in life and it's fine. Each person is different.

[madjac74]

Whenever it comes up that I've been divorced the answer is always the same, "At least you didn't have kids". That alone should tell you people's mindset on the issue.

 

hmmm I had a rocky divorce and I always say "At least I have two great kids"

 

I hope you and fitchick realize that you were both children at one time. It is amazing that you are so smug toward them now.

[DrRod]

Good afternoon everyone! I came across this website while searching for answers to the question: how good are the chances for true love if you're a man in your late 40s? And I am glad that I came here and read the beginning thread and all subsequent replies. First, allow me to say that I love children. I love them so much that I'd give my life to save a child's life without a single thought. That's why I spent over 25 years in the military service Special Operations. Sencond, I have been a single father for over 15 years, which was a tremendously tough task while fulfilling my Special Ops combat duties and constant deployments. Third, I've done very well financially and even have a PhD in math. Why am I writing all this? It's not out arrogance, since in reality I am very down to earth and rarely talk about accomplishments and things of that nature. It's because a man in my position and good social-economical and emotional situation should have no problems attracting younger ladies and settling down while pleasing the young wife with babies. Remember: I love kids. I raised 3 on my own (2 boys and 1 girl), and it is the greatest satisfaction in the whole universe. It is so satisfying that I decided to stay away from serious relationships for over 10 years just to dedicate every single minute of my restricted free time to my kids.

 

However when I finally decided that I was indubitably ready to give all my attention and time to a lady and a serious relationship, the first thing that came up was the fact that there is an increasing number of ladies in their 20s and early 30s looking for the mature, secured, respectful, true gentleman in his 45+ years type of man. And with that came the question of whether I'd like to start a new family from scratch with a younger, mature, intelligent lady. And honestly? Although I adore children and would love (really would love it) to enjoy again those days when the child is a newborn through the child early adulthood, one thing made me come to the decision to not commit to a relationship where my lady desires to have kids between us. It is not that I dislike the idea. It's simply that, even if I were to keep myself in extraordinary mental and physical health, shape and condition, I can't get over the thought of becoming extremely frustrated, because when our child would be a teenager, I would be a senior citizen and perhaps would not be able to do all those things that younger (committed to family) fathers normally do and enjoy with their teenage children, like playing sports, helping with school work, having fun with their kids and their kids friends while bringing them around to movies, sleepovers, special occasions, etc.

 

I can't even begin to imaging seing my 18 year son or daughter having to puts his/her life on pause just to take care of dad when age catches up with me. Understand: I'm 47 now; by the time my child would reach 18, I would be over 65 years old (a 40 year old men would be over 58 years old by then). To me, it'd be incredibly selfish and unfair for me to expect my 18 year old child to worry about me when I'm in my 60s and denying him/her the joy of experiencing being a young adult and discovering all those things that I was able to discover from my 18 years to my 25 years of age.

 

Yes, it is a matter of choice and reciprocal understanding between two people who truly love each other while she's 27 years old and he's in his 40s. Yes, it is a true blessing for a gentleman like me to be able to enjoy raising, loving, protecting, guiding and caring for a child from infancy through early adulthood. But what about actually taking the time to truly weigh the child's possible emotional state, not so much when the child is under 12 years of age, but after becoming a teenager and dad might not have the agility, the strength, the stamina or perhaps the top-notch health that most men enjoy having between their mid 20s through their late 30s? I don't know, but I don't want to find out and play the odds. By then, it'd be too late to turn time around and reconsider my "realistic" choices before bringing a child to life in my 40s. And though I know I'd love that child with all my heart no matter how old I may be, I don't think that I'd be able to go through the frustrating ordeal and painful disappointment of not being able to do many things I'd love to do with that child due to the possible conditions that age brings into play as I'd get older. So "007," this is my heartfelt, most sincere view of the scenario for which you're trying gather valuable information, points of view and/or perhaps true-life experience from men like me in this forum. All I can tell you is that there's and "must be" a lot of communication, reciprocal understanding and immense commitment to be invested from you and your future partner (in your desire age range for him) "before" deciding on whether or not to start a brand new family from the very begining (newborn child). Good luck!

Edited August 17, 2013 by DrRod

[runningfar]

It kind of makes me sad that fit chick is presumably capable of having children and I am not. I've done a lot of fulltime childcare, too, even was a live in nanny when I was younger. I just love kids more. I am probably going to adopt after the wedding but why would my body not work and others would? Yea, life's unfair, I know.