My wifes affair with her boss

[nothappy1971]

Has she gotten a new job yet?

 

What consequences has she had?

 

She has had 3 job interviews but yet to change. I have all her bank cards. She asks permission if she goes out with friends. She has to make the effort with me I won't let her get complacent.

[BeholdtheMan]

Good luck OP. I really hope that you'll have the strength to kick her to the curb if she wastes your time or breaks the rules. If you don't follow through, you'll be a doormat.

 

I encourage you to set clear deadlines. By a certain time, if you don't see clear improvement on her part, you kick her out. This shouldn't be a pleasant process for her to accomplish at her own leisurely pace.

 

Your rules mean nothing if you don't follow through with swift consequences. Don't give her room to drag her feet. Give her time, but make it clear that if she doesn't meet your expectations within an established timeframe, she's out the door.

Edited August 22, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Steadfast]

I just wonder how long it takes until I feel comfortable with her again.

 

A three-year affair? For me, the answer would be never. It doesn't matter how many orders you are barking, how many massages you are getting or how hard you're tightening the clamps. You'll never be able to trust her because she's a serial cheater. You'll never be able to 'make' her faithful.

 

A far, far better plan would be to let her run free. You'll never have a wife you can trust until she wants to become that person. She must desire it.

[road]

A three-year affair? For me, the answer would be never. It doesn't matter how many orders you are barking, how many massages you are getting or how hard you're tightening the clamps. You'll never be able to trust her because she's a serial cheater. You'll never be able to 'make' her faithful.

 

A far, far better plan would be to let her run free. You'll never have a wife you can trust until she wants to become that person. She must desire it.

 

One OM

 

One affair

 

Does not make a WW a serial cheater.

 

More then one OM and affair then the WS is a serial cheater.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

One OM

 

One affair

 

Does not make a WW a serial cheater.

 

More then one OM and affair then the WS is a serial cheater.

 

Does it matter? I think one OM for three years or three OM for a year each...does it make a difference in the volume or number of lies, or the difficulty with trust?

[road]

Does it matter? I think one OM for three years or three OM for a year each...does it make a difference in the volume or number of lies, or the difficulty with trust?

 

 

The amount of lies and broken trust has nothing to do with being a SERIAL CHEATER.

 

That title only has to do with the fact that the WS has had more then one affair. SC is just another way to say multiple affairs.

 

A person can have one affair and did more lying then another person can that had multiple affairs.

[Steadfast]

A person can have one affair and did more lying then another person can that had multiple affairs.

 

That's why I define this woman as a serial cheater. I believe it's more of a pattern of behavior than the number of times cheated. Three years? That's weeks and months adding up to years of lying and deception. It's habit.

 

You can define the term as you see fit road. I'm not sure it makes much difference. I actually might find more hope reaching someone who slept with multiple partners than one AP for all that time. Overcoming a cycle of lust and sex might be easier than getting past what is a full-blown relationship.

[nothappy1971]

I have to move forward and believe there is a chance. I believe the greatest obstacle is me and not that she will do it again. If I cant ever trust or love her the way I used to theres no point.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I have to move forward and believe there is a chance. I believe the greatest obstacle is me and not that she will do it again. If I cant ever trust or love her the way I used to theres no point.

 

True.

 

Trust has to be earned, and frankly...she's got to do some earning. Can you talk about what she is DOING (actions)

 

And what is she doing to find out her real whys?

 

You may never love her the same way. You might love her a different way.

 

It's impossible to go back and have that same blind love...impossible.

 

Lets discuss all the things she is doing to help you heal.

[aliveagain]

Friend, that marriage is dead, it needs to be laid to rest properly grieved and buried. You now have the truth about who it is you are in a relationship with, this is her, the other wife only showed you part of herself, the part you liked enough to marry. This part she kept from you because she knew you wouldn't like it. You can never have the same love and trust because you are no longer naïve, you now know what she is capable of regardless of what she vowed to you. Her words mean nothing only her actions can be trusted. Knowing this doesn't mean you can't love her as strongly, it just can't be the same as when you both were innocent. Each time she planned to meet him, each time she lied to you about where she was, each decision she made about which sexy underwear to put on for him, each time she lay down with him and than came home to you, I count as individual infidelities. This was no one time being unfaithful, it was thousands of times, a three year relationship takes more planning and thought because she is living a whole other life, one that is secret to you. That makes her pretty special in my opinion. Would you feel the same if she had become pregnant? That is the one difference between our spouse's infidelity, the other is I kicked my spouse's cheating ass out. We all make different choice's.

Edited August 25, 2013 by aliveagain

[Steadfast]

You can never have the same love and trust because you are no longer naïve, you now know what she is capable of regardless of what she vowed to you. Her words mean nothing only her actions can be trusted. Knowing this doesn't mean you can't love her as strongly, it just can't be the same as when you both were innocent.

 

These are very insightful words, indeed.

 

A relationship is only innocent once. No matter how much work, effort, or regret is applied after, once one person knows another is capable of lying to them the innocence is gone. Innocence is precious and very fragile.

 

Many often wonder about the emptiness after reconciling. Even after all the right words have been said and the right actions carried out for the right amount of time, people openly question what the void is and how it can be filled. That void is the innocence that once was there. Bob Seger once sang "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." These words hit hard to those who've experienced the loss of innocence. When faith and the belief in love is replaced with the stark, cold reality of what lives in the other person's heart. Perfection isn't needed to sustain innocence, and romance only goes so far. Courage and respect keep innocence alive.

[nothappy1971]

True.

 

Trust has to be earned, and frankly...she's got to do some earning. Can you talk about what she is DOING (actions)

 

And what is she doing to find out her real whys?

 

You may never love her the same way. You might love her a different way.

 

It's impossible to go back and have that same blind love...impossible.

 

Lets discuss all the things she is doing to help you heal.

 

She says constantly that she is sorry without prompting that shes sorry for what she has done and cant believe how much she has hurt me and that she got herself into something she couldn't easily get out of, but I'm 50/50 on that one.

 

1.She has bent over backwards to try and make it upto me I've mentioned sex already but has been up for another girl joining us but to be honest I cant see her going through with it. We've put on a few webcam shows to spice things up in the bedroom and the sex is fun but I know that its mostly a distraction.

2. We spend a lot of our spare time together and we do occasionally go out for dates/meals etc.

3. although I have refrained from bringing up the affair on a daily basis something I did everyday for 5/6 months its now only brought up when I feel I have to get something off my chest.

4. When we discuss it she doesn't really get defensive but I can see its uncomfortable for her . Maybe a degree of shame and embarrassment although not as uncomfortable as it is for me.

5. She admits she is happy and wants to be with me and loves me and says she feels sick just thinking about the other guy

6. She says she is sort of glad it has all come out and it brought it to an end she just wishes it never happened.

7. She said she didn't want me to confront him face to face as I would break him in half. Although I really wanted to see him fight back its probably for the best he ran away as I would probably be doing time for assault or worse.

8.She constantly asks if i'm ok 4/5 times aday

9.She has done the fighting to save this marriage (I've fought in my own way but not so obvious)

10. She suggested that Sunday night is Massage night so I can chill out.

11. She tried to explain why it started thought I didn't care about her stress at work and stress with a young son etc but guess what we are all stressed at times and this is not how you deal with it.

 

I'm no angel Im not perfect but I work hard at work and at home I clean I tidy I look after the home and cars Childminding etc I share the responsibility of family life she took advantage of that and that will not happen again.

[aliveagain]

She works for quite an aggressive company and she said she used him as a kind of shield as they were both aware of the culture. She had her homelife and a separate work/social life and tried to separate the two. It's still a poor excuse I still feel like an idiot.

 

She had an affair to move ahead in her business? Your feelings on this other than making you feel like an idiot, are you OK with her view of doing whatever you need to do to get ahead? You still let her go out with friends while you stay at home? Is this a test to see if she will do it again? Other than the threat of ending your marriage if it happens again, what changes has she made so she is never in that situation again?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

All good progress.

 

What about individual counseling for both of you?

 

What about marriage counseling?

 

What about transparency or changing of her behaviors to make you feel safe?

 

Recovery is up and down. Not straight up.

 

Good luck.

[nothappy1971]

[/b]

 

She had an affair to move ahead in her business? Your feelings on this other than making you feel like an idiot, are you OK with her view of doing whatever you need to do to get ahead? You still let her go out with friends while you stay at home? Is this a test to see if she will do it again? Other than the threat of ending your marriage if it happens again, what changes has she made so she is never in that situation again?

 

 

She only goes out after checking with me and I check she is with who she says she's with. Apart from him losing his job there's guarantees as far as i'm aware he's out of the picture. She knows full well if it happens again she's gone and he's in hospital I can only show so much restraint. I cant imprison her in the house but I cant keep an eye on her.

[nothappy1971]

All good progress.

 

What about individual counseling for both of you?

 

What about marriage counseling?

 

What about transparency or changing of her behaviors to make you feel safe?

 

Recovery is up and down. Not straight up.

 

Good luck.

 

 

yes we have had joint and individual counselling. I check her phone/emails with no arguing from her so its reasonably transparent

[aliveagain]

She only goes out after checking with me and I check she is with who she says she's with. Apart from him losing his job there's guarantees as far as i'm aware he's out of the picture. She knows full well if it happens again she's gone and he's in hospital I can only show so much restraint. I cant imprison her in the house but I cant keep an eye on her.

 

This is not about imprisoning her it's about boundaries, what they are and the consequence for breaking them. Have you given her written boundaries? My concern is she is back doing everything she did during her affair, travelling for work, going out without you 10 months after you caught her. Using her boss as a shield(reason for continuing her affair for 3 years) tells me that she manipulates people and is very good at it. How do you know that the extra sex, the Sunday night messages are not a manipulation to keep you in the marriage? You yelled, got mad at her for a while, but she only had to change for a few months and she is back doing everything she did before. What was her consequence?

 

She was with her married man(boss)for almost 40% of your married life together, she had to be good at compartmentalizing to carry off her two lives. When she was on business trips with him they were a couple just as you and she are now. People she worked with must have seen their interaction, many may know or suspected the truth about their affair. She may have more enemies now that he is gone, there is no one to shield her, are you at all concerned as to how she will handle this pressure? Spouse's with boundary issues and poor coping skills need everything spelled out for them, I haven't read where you put that in a written term to her. This is why I suggested a "postnuptial agreement" to you earlier. The people I have known who have had affairs with their boss's tended to be people that want to get ahead and are about "things" and lifestyle. Causing them a serious financial consequence if she does it again is a major deterrent. You need to protect your child and yourself from this happening again, take the necessary steps to do that. Make her do the work and change the behavior that took her down that path, letting her have a single life without you isn't helping your marriage.

[2sunny]

I still don't see big consequences she's had... Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Now she says she's sorry - but those are words. She could just be sorry she got caught - BIG difference.

 

And she still travels and goes out without you? That's all well and good - but how do you really trust her? Do you? And did you before when she did those things? So what's different now?

 

What CAUSED HER to justify cheating? Does she know? Has she done that soul searching to know and FIX what is BROKEN about HER that she thought cheating was her solution?

 

is she honest now about HER character defects and what she's doing to change herself within?

 

She's NOT the woman you thought he was! So - which gal is she now - and what's she doing to prove she's decent and changed?

 

What hard evidence is she showing you?

 

This is NOT about her offering spicy sex to you! That is a smoke screen - and you seem to be falling for that roadblock to healing!

 

Words are nothing but more lies IF the actions don't match the words.

Edited August 25, 2013 by 2sunny

[nothappy1971]

I still don't see big consequences she's had... Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Now she says she's sorry - but those are words. She could just be sorry she got caught - BIG difference.

 

And she still travels and goes out without you? That's all well and good - but how do you really trust her? Do you? And did you before when she did those things? So what's different now?

 

What CAUSED HER to justify cheating? Does she know? Has she done that soul searching to know and FIX what is BROKEN about HER that she thought cheating was her solution?

 

is she honest now about HER character defects and what she's doing to change herself within?

 

She's NOT the woman you thought he was! So - which gal is she now - and what's she doing to prove she's decent and changed?

 

What hard evidence is she showing you?

 

This is NOT about her offering spicy sex to you! That is a smoke screen - and you seem to be falling for that roadblock to healing!

 

Words are nothing but more lies IF the actions don't match the words.

 

Put simply I don't trust her I assume everything she tells me is a lie and work back from there. As much as I want to tell people the kind of person she is and what she has done to me i'm actually ashamed of what she has done to me and although she would get a lot of hassle if it all came out my pride has already taken a hit.

 

What suggestions do you have to get the proof shes changed?

as apart from living with her I can only see the effort

[whichwayisup]

1.She has bent over backwards to try and make it upto me I've mentioned sex already but has been up for another girl joining us but to be honest I cant see her going through with it. We've put on a few webcam shows to spice things up in the bedroom and the sex is fun but I know that its mostly a distraction.

 

This won't fix or save your marriage. If anything, it'll just add more problems. Please don't open the 3-some door.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Put simply I don't trust her I assume everything she tells me is a lie and work back from there. As much as I want to tell people the kind of person she is and what she has done to me i'm actually ashamed of what she has done to me and although she would get a lot of hassle if it all came out my pride has already taken a hit.

 

What suggestions do you have to get the proof shes changed?

as apart from living with her I can only see the effort

 

NH71:

 

This post is so telling. Because right here I see that she's not doing the work.

 

So my suggestions but adjust as needed.

 

She must proactively be finding out WHY, every reason you have given has been lame surface level and not at all self reflecting. So that MEANS she is not delving into herself to try to figure that out. If her claim of not being able to end it was true, why was that? She needs to do this to be a safe person.

 

At this point you got nothing.

 

She needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe, in most cases that means, proactive elimination of travel, social outings.

 

Elimination of anyone who encouraged her affair from your lives.

 

She seems sorry, but is she sorry for HURTING you?

 

Some people do stuff like...all passwords are shared, phones, tablets, computers left accessible, key loggers whatever.

 

But the key issue is I think it sounds like she is rug sweeping and giving lots of sex as a way of keeping either of you from looking too deeply.

 

Your therapist and your MC should also be working to help you see that this was a selfish act and not "because" of you.

 

Other people will have more.

 

Good luck.

[nothappy1971]

The other thing I forgot to say when I made it clear that she had to fight for me. I have had and still have the opportunity to sleep with someone else if I wanted. This could go on to be a relationship and just sex either way if I did it would be down to her. She is aware of this and when asked how she would feel if I did she said she would be upset and angry (what a surprise) I said you have every right to be upset but not to be angry. Her focus is 100% me and our marriage even if she goes out or works away she call or texts to see if i'm ok. I want to get some normality back. The consequence to her is 1 thing wrong and shes gone 1 lie and shes gone. She is walking on thin ice at the moment and one wrong step and its over.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The other thing I forgot to say when I made it clear that she had to fight for me. I have had and still have the opportunity to sleep with someone else if I wanted. This could go on to be a relationship and just sex either way if I did it would be down to her. She is aware of this and when asked how she would feel if I did she said she would be upset and angry (what a surprise) I said you have every right to be upset but not to be angry. Her focus is 100% me and our marriage even if she goes out or works away she call or texts to see if i'm ok. I want to get some normality back. The consequence to her is 1 thing wrong and shes gone 1 lie and shes gone. She is walking on thin ice at the moment and one wrong step and its over.

 

Ok. I hear you. She's on thin ice.

 

Revenge affairs sound good, but unfortunately turn out to add more mess to an already awful situation.

 

I think you sound (rightfully) angry. Maybe you should focus on you for a while? Help resolve your humiliation? Focus with your therapist, gym, hobbies, stuff like that. Take the focus off of her (for you)

 

It is what it is with her, she will either step up or not. She will figure out her shix or not and you know what you will do about that.

 

You however will live with yourself forever.

 

It's a thought.

[Steadfast]

Do you want to feel better or be better? Being is better for the long haul.

 

Feeling better seems to be the goal and she's saying everything you want to hear for that to happen. Even offering you another ride. What a girl!

 

She must really care.

 

I still say let her run free. Text and call when she wants. Come and go as she wants. I'd rather be married to a woman who wants to be married to me, who wants me, than keeping someone on a short leash. That's not romantic, that's not happiness and that's not being allowed to pursue it.

 

No trust? There's the door. Trust? Be all in with open arms. Getting about my business and leaving the babysitting to the teens down the street.

 

IMO of course.

[Chi townD]

The other thing I forgot to say when I made it clear that she had to fight for me. I have had and still have the opportunity to sleep with someone else if I wanted. This could go on to be a relationship and just sex either way if I did it would be down to her. She is aware of this and when asked how she would feel if I did she said she would be upset and angry (what a surprise) I said you have every right to be upset but not to be angry. Her focus is 100% me and our marriage even if she goes out or works away she call or texts to see if i'm ok. I want to get some normality back. The consequence to her is 1 thing wrong and shes gone 1 lie and shes gone. She is walking on thin ice at the moment and one wrong step and its over.

 

And I totally get this. But, are you guys going to do marriage counseling? I mean, I can't see you guys walking on eggshells around each other for the rest of your lives.

 

If you're going to try and make this work. I would talk to a professional if you haven't already. But, do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. No your run of the mill counselor.