It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I discovered last November my wife had been having an affair with her boss for 3 years. It tore my heart out. First came the lies either to protect herself or to protect me i'm not sure, every excuse under the sun. We spent the evening talking about it and me occasionally shouting. She told me she had ended it a week earlier due to me asking questions about a few text messages. She told me she loves me and wants me and it was all a mistake that was difficult to end it as he was her boss, but she would do anything to make it upto me. we had a conversation on the phone (very oneway)which I basically told him he had 24 hours to tender his resignation with the company I didn't give him much of a choice so he did leave very shortly afterwards and never put up a fight Since then we have been to counseling and talked about it often and after nearly 10 months I hardly ever ask about what she did, but that doesn't mean its gone away. There have been times when I thought of leaving her and things play in my mind over and over. I don't know who I married I love her and care for her but nowhere near as much as I once did. We have lots of sex she tells me she loves me and I respond with "are you sure" I told her its her job to fight for me. I didn't do anything wrong its up to her the prove herself to me theres no denying she is trying and the intensity of my anger is subsiding things seem to have plateaued. I just wonder how long it takes until I feel comfortable with her again. I edited out some to highlight what you said. Because frankly....what you actually did, including the "rules" (no work travel, transparency, etc) are pretty typical. Also what you WISHED you could have done is also pretty typical. And frankly you may never feel the same way again about your wife. It's like when you find out there is no Santa it changes things. That does t mean it can't be fixed. LTA are particularly difficult to reconcile, aren't they? I know you are leaving out details, to mask your identity, but some of the advice, to get STD checks (can be done at clinics) help to reinforce the consequence while making sure that your wife recognizes she put your health at risk too. Some couples also create post nups for WS. Keep working at it.
Artie Lang Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) you found out and acted accordingly. the only other things i would suggest is maybe getting a post-nup, and telling this man's wife at some point- sooner rather than later. like you, she deserves to know what type of POS she married. Edited August 14, 2013 by Artie Lang 2
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Why does it seem like people here are shaming the other guy? His wife participated too. OP, I've seen many wives cheat on their husbands. Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater. I suggest talking to a divorce lawyer about your rights. Men don't get many, but maybe see what you could put together.
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Hi thanks for all your views and advice. I'm under no illusion that this is going to take time. Obviously you have to be here to see how she is now acting towards me and believe she is sorry for what she has done. I did get her to test for STDs and all clear. We have recently been on holiday as a family and although it was hard to be natural with her things have got easier. I guess its the mind movies that play in my mind everyday. For the the fist 5 months we have sex at least once everyday ( not an exaggeration) it was my may of showing her I can do more for her in bed than the other guy. We have sex at least 3/4 times a week at the moment. I know sex is not the complete answer but its my way of fighting back the images in my mind. She tells me she loves me all the time and asked if I'm ok all the time. I've been honest that if she cheats or lies again I will boot her arse out the door. It still hurts I know if I walked I'd be shooting myself in the foot its been so close when it first came out. Although I've forced him out of a job I want him to get complacent then speak to his partner. I just need to choose my moment.
2sunny Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Your position seems like it's coming from a place of getting more sex and favors from your wife - instead of digging deep into what caused her cheating. Heck - she could still be cheating now ( don't laugh - it happens). If your wife hasn't found out and fixed what's broken deep within herself - then she's likely to cheat gain. Rug sweeping and hysterical bonding don't help long term healing. 2
aliveagain Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 (edited) Absolutely tell his wife, it's the right thing to do. I still have a hard time understanding how your wife can end a three year relationship so easily, they see each other everyday, much like your marriage. Makes me wonder what she actually got out of her affair, it couldn't actually have been just about sex? What does that say about your relationship? Edited August 14, 2013 by aliveagain
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Her excuses where. A tough time at work and he was the only one that understood. Working closely with him she said she had feelings for him and even said at one point she told him she loved him but also loved me. She struggled juggling our son and work and was depressed(post natal depression). I said she didn't have a problem juggling him and work and me and are son. She thought i didnt Care or understand and turned to him. I don't claim to be perfect and in hindsight I could have dealt with things better. But this was her choice. At the end of the day first it was blame me and a situation for the affair and now its her taking responsibilityfor her actions. I don't want a divorce we do have a lot of sex and I was worried this was compensating but we go out on date nights and have a laugh but I'm not ready to let my guard down this is a long way off.
2sunny Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Your wife needs to do the hard work on herself. Keeping tabs on her as if she's a prisoner won't make someone never cheat again. She's very broken - she searched out a man to fill the void she needs to address. The sex is a cover up and overcompensating or her bad behavior. I'm certain her feelings for him didn't turn off like the light switch - she's pretending like it did - it's not that easy with emotions. Tell his wife - she deserves to know the truth. Your W could still be communicating with him. It happens a lot. Or she could be looking for a new OM to fulfill that thrilling, secret feeling she loved. Don't fool yourself - the M isn't heal - you two are just avoiding what he problem was/is. Why isn't your W in counseling? And you two in marriage counseling too?
aliveagain Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Friend these are excuse's, she needs to get to the deeper reason she risked you and your son. You probably had similar feelings of neglect during the affair, juggling two men will cause that but you didn't cheat. Most people take 5 years or more to get over infidelity. What have you done about your wedding rings, do they still have the same meaning? She wore them with him. What about your wedding vows, do they stand?
2sunny Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Since your wife's solution to problems is to cheat - expect more cheating - especially since she knows you won't divorce her. The massages and sex is her covering up - instead of offering her truth. It's distracting when someone offers lots of sex when you want truth, isn't it?
BeholdtheMan Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 it was my way of showing her I can do more for her in bed than the other guy.I absolutely disagree with this attitude. Why are you trying to prove your value to her? She should be the one trying to prove that she's not a deceitful tramp. Right now it should be all about her proving herself to you, not the other way around. If you're not satisifed with her efforts, kick her to the curb.
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 I have told my wife that although she means the world to me my marriage means little or nothing. She took me out for our anniversary recently but let her buy the card present and dinner she made the effort not me. I guess there is no real excuse for the affair or not being able to finish it sooner. The balance is to be firm but not treating her like a prisoner which I believe I have the balance about right. We have both been to counselling 14 visits and made progress. Ordinary family life for most isn't that exciting it's just normal I have said I cant give her the excitement of an affair if that's whats shes after. I've offered her numerous opportunities to leave and have to believe in myself that i'm the best thing to ever happen to her and she doesn't realize how lucky she is. (he ran away at the first sign of trouble I don't go down without a fight). I guess from all of this is her head was in a confused messed up state at the time it started (THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE/REASON I FORGIVE HER FOR) i'll make that clear i'm no rollover. She says shes ashamed for what she did and feels nothing for him and in a bizarre way relieved its out in the open and over. She says often without prompting that just because she doesn't talk about it doesn't mean she doesn't think about what she has done to me and is sickened by it. As for feelings for him I've had relationships where I just wanted the girl to go away, I mean then no harm or ill will but just want them to be gone and its a relief when its finished. I have to hope this is how she feels for him.
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 I absolutely disagree with this attitude. Why are you trying to prove your value to her? She should be the one trying to prove that she's not a deceitful tramp. Right now it should be all about her proving herself to you, not the other way around. If you're not satisifed with her efforts, kick her to the curb. I agree i'm was just trying to make myself feel better and she is trying to prove herself to me. I've already told her that I can do better than her and that i'm too good for her she doesn't deserve me. Again that sounds arrogant but I have to have faith and pride in myself to be strong and move forward. I turned down another girl about 2 years ago who I could have slept with, but didn't and I told her. After 10 months there a lot less tit for tat discussions but she is well aware theres no more chances
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Three years is a long time. Enough time to fall in love and enough time to fall out of love. It's possible the affair had run its course and she was just going through the motions by the time you found out, that's why it was so easy for her to end the affair. The "in love" infatuation butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling usually wears off by three years into a relationship. Based on how easily she gave him up, I would guess that's where she was mentally when you found out. 1
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Three years is a long time. Enough time to fall in love and enough time to fall out of love. It's possible the affair had run its course and she was just going through the motions by the time you found out, that's why it was so easy for her to end the affair. The "in love" infatuation butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling usually wears off by three years into a relationship. Based on how easily she gave him up, I would guess that's where she was mentally when you found out. This is what I have to believe to move forward
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Do you think she would have left you for him IF he had made the offer? Not at the end, but when she was still feeling like she was "in love" with him and rationalizing that you didn't care about her?
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 If you are not currently in IC, I highly recommend that you do so. You have lots of resentment in your story that won't go away by itself. Also while she has to take 100 responsibility of the affair, you two also need to address the problems in the marriage that allowed it to deteriorate. Additionally, transparency should not be a penitence that she has to pay, but a way of life for both of you. If you don't deal with these underlying issues this will fester and cause irreparable damage, from which you won't recover. Marriages have to be between equals. 1
jnel921 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Welcome...so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am 10 months out since DDay too. We decided to R and things are good. H makes the extra efforts and reminds me everyday how much he loves me. I still don't know how to respond to this as my heart is not ready to say I love you. I think in my mind I have said what you say out loud. "Are you sure?" I think most of us believe that a spouse who loves you wouldn't hurt you like that. Totally understand. I am glad to hear you are reserved and handled it well. I went through this with my first H as well and remember searching for him with a knife in the car. My sister talked me out of my craziness and reminded me of what was more important. Me. I am sure things will get better. As long as she is willing and open and honest you guys will be ok.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Not happy, You are doing good...as good as you can expect really. People are giving good advice, which you may or may not see is valid. That's ok too. 1. TELL THE OTHER BS. - this is cause most feel its a community and that she deserves to know her husband was in an affair for three years. So she can know what she is dealing with. It is pretty well agreed that telling is the right thing to do, if possible. You did not say this, so I am assuming, when you spoke with him you used that card as leverage to keep him from reaching out to your wife again. It's ok to make your own choices and do what's best for your family situation. But telling isn't for revenge, it's to shine a bright light on the affair and out the secrecy to those who need to know. 2. HYSTERICAL BONDING - so the lots of sex after an affair has an actual name and is typical. So while awesome, does not mean healing, it means trying to maintain physical closeness while there is no mental intimacy. 3. REMORSE - the behavior you seem to be describing your wife is presenting is good. But without her digging into her real whys she is doomed to repeat her behavior. What does that really mean? Rather than tell you she was unhappy she turned to someone else. Rather than go to the doctor for her pp depression, she turned to sex outside the marriage. The whys of that are deeper than what you are hearing from her and until those are resolved she's still a very well intentioned ticking time bomb. She should be in individual counseling. 4. YOUR ANGER - I could be completely off here and other posters will not hesitate to correct me if I am. I think you are actually displaying fairly typical behavior. Fairly common levels of alpha male type reactions. I think that what posters are thinking is that your anger really ends up hurting you more. So finding a way to deal with that. That means IC for you too. 5. MARRIAGE COUNSELING - sounds like you did this, but frankly it's usually a waste until the parties work on themselves. Unless your therapist specialized in infidelity. 6. Long term affairs (LTA) - they are a slightly different animal. There is another forum with a board just for people with LTA on Surviving Infidelity dot com. You may want to check it out. They also have a place for recovering WS. Your wife may need support too. I am glad you are trying to repair your marriage. I am glad you are giving it a shot. I am also glad you know, and she knows this is her only chance. I hope she appreciates it.
road Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 nothappy, you did a good job of killing the affair. Your instincts on WW having to live transparent is dead on. You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. There is more to recovery then having sex 3,4, days a week, and verifying NC. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.
2sunny Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 This is what I have to believe to move forward So what's to keep her from cheating when the next guy comes along and pays her some attention and she feels special? What has she learned about herself in counseling so far?
dichotomy Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I do wish to again - applaud you for being very strong. Many men are not. Your actions were frankly amazing. I am on the fence about telling OM's wife, but generally believe it should happen. There is no doubt with the loss of his position and reduction in salary his wife and family have suffered. They must be wondering why he would do such a thing quit a high paying job - more dishonesty - but they are all hurting I suspect from this. I don’t know what this would do to them. Some people have downplayed the lots of sex thing - but it is SUCH a necessary part of healing - without it –tons of it - it makes it hard for a BH to recover. You do need to stop trying to show you’re the better sexual experience that can drive you nuts (I know this first hand). She needs to make sure SHE is providing you HER best – things or energy the other guy did not get. It’s her issue not yours. I think you mention 14 MC sessions so far. More will be needed. I would also suggest she get individual counseling to more deeply dive into herself. Sometimes in MC couples still hold back something’s because they fear the full truth.
Bryanp Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 I think she was very sorry......that she got caught. As stated previously the fact that she stopped after 3 years only because she knew that you were getting closed to finding out because of the text messages found indicates that she would still be in this affair. She had no intention of cutting it off. How often was she having sex with him. Is it possible that you were being intimate with her after she was with him? I feel very sorry for you. For 3 years you were living a lie with her. Clearly you want to recover and she is in damage control since her OM ran away. You really now are her only option. Sorry but you deserve better.
drifter777 Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Her excuses where. A tough time at work and he was the only one that understood. Working closely with him she said she had feelings for him and even said at one point she told him she loved him but also loved me. She struggled juggling our son and work and was depressed(post natal depression). I said she didn't have a problem juggling him and work and me and are son. She thought i didnt Care or understand and turned to him. I don't claim to be perfect and in hindsight I could have dealt with things better. But this was her choice. At the end of the day first it was blame me and a situation for the affair and now its her taking responsibilityfor her actions. I don't want a divorce we do have a lot of sex and I was worried this was compensating but we go out on date nights and have a laugh but I'm not ready to let my guard down this is a long way off. Ok, your life after the affair sounds great! She gave you her reasons for choosing sex with another man and damned if her excuses didn't include that she thought you didn't care - shame on you! Your sex is often and hot, you go on date nights and laugh - what a great life! Congratulations - why are you even posting here?
Author nothappy1971 Posted August 14, 2013 Author Posted August 14, 2013 Ok, your life after the affair sounds great! She gave you her reasons for choosing sex with another man and damned if her excuses didn't include that she thought you didn't care - shame on you! Your sex is often and hot, you go on date nights and laugh - what a great life! Congratulations - why are you even posting here? I'm posting to share may experience and get other opinions. I am making this up as I go I have no idea what the long term effects will be for me or both of us. Also apart from the counsellor I have spoken to no one else so this a release. Is that a problem
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