Won't tell his Ex about me

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I don't know how much harder the red flag could be hitting you in the face?

 

This guy IS MARRIED. His behavior is sketchy.

[JaysFan1965]

I know he's not married....she does live about 55 km north of him with the kids. If anything..perhaps separated ? Or maybe he has a gf and I'm just the fill in ..or booty call you may call it.

[justwhoiam]

So, did you check?

[TMichaels]

It seems these sites are not valid in Canada. I'm not sure if it would give me any clarity anyway.

 

Huh? Did you look at the one that I mentioned that had a special Canada-specific section? Oh well. I'm not sure you really want to know anyway.

 

Maybe I am making too much of each of these things...but putting them all together as a whole........it just screams out RUN to me.

 

You'd be wise to listen.

 

Then at the same time, I miss him and want to see him and I know that as soon as I hear from him, if he says something cute I will automatically say awww and then want to see him again. Is this just me being flaky? Maybe it's just the attention.

 

No, it's you being willing to settle for crumbs because you don't think you're worth more than that.

 

I am now losing sleep worrying about stuff. It took me a couple of years to get back on my feet and start to feel comfortable again in my own skin....I still believe I should listen to my gut but it's so hard and so confusing.

 

Sometimes the person you want the most is also the person you're best without.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[mammasita]

I think it's a red flag. He doesn't have to tell his ex details.....he doesn't owe her all that, but a simple "I'm out of town with a friend" instead of packing up and leaving in 5 minutes is flashing red and dripping fresh blood.

 

As an ex I'd certainly understand what "with a friend" meant.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I know he's not married....she does live about 55 km north of him with the kids. If anything..perhaps separated ? Or maybe he has a gf and I'm just the fill in ..or booty call you may call it.

 

Ok so lets come up with a list of possibilities.

 

1. Married and living with her (how do you know the facts you bolded?)

2. Married but works in another town so lives there part time

3. Separated, but "working it out"

4. Separated, but trying not to throw it in her face till divorce is settled.

5. Divorced, but still keeping her on a string

6. Single but multi dating and you are not primary

7. Pathological liar and none of it is true.

 

See the issue is, I can't come up with a #8 that explains why he would hide you legitimately.

 

Red flag

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Any updates?

[JaysFan1965]

Well nothing any more solid. I asked him outright if he was divorced and he said yes...I'm not really all concerned about that right now

 

but things still aren't good He came out last weekend and we had an absolutely great weekend together...it was awesome. Then the week was hard. He often emails me and if I don't answer for awhile he will send me another one saying r u asleep ? Or where u at baby ? However, he disappear for an entire evening and not email or text me without any concern.

 

This weekend he had his kids so I wasn't going out..we plan to be together next weekend But his kids got cancelled at the last minute and he invited me out. I coach kids ball and we were in our playoffs so I needed to find out what tme the final was. Our final was at 1:15 so it was perfect...So as soon as I found out I texted me........and he said "cool". That was it . He didn't say much and I didn't hear from him until 11 pm. he was out. I have no idea where. I'm not saying he 'has' to tell me when he goes out ; however, he invited me to come out and before I even confirmed that I could..he made other plans. I was ticked off. I probably would've gotten over it but this morning I sent him an email saying why I was angry and said this is not a game to me. Then I sent another one similar...there was a total of 4 all day. He ignored ever one of them. He did answer other emails and would send emails at random....good morning / how was ball / etc. Not one mention of last night and what went down ..and after 4 emails I obviously was upset but no mention was made of it.

[justwhoiam]

Well nothing any more solid. I asked him outright if he was divorced and he said yes...I'm not really all concerned about that right now

You were give solid advice by everyone in here. You disregarded it. Have it your way.

 

There's a venting forum in LS, if you just feel like venting.

 

Good luck.

[Acacia98]

@JaysFan1965 I dated a man with kids. And, like your guy, he didn't want his romantic interests coming in and out of his kids' lives. So he kept his family life separate from his relationship with me. I was fine with that. And I had confidence in him and in our relationship because he didn't treat me like a dirty, little secret. The people in his family, including his kids, knew he had a 'friend', even though they had not met me. He would even speak to them on the phone when he was with me. And when we made plans to do stuff together, he didn't cancel at the last minute because something had come up and he didn't want his 'dirty, little secret' exposed.

 

I don't know what exactly the deal is with your guy. But he's not treating you right. There are definitely red flags there. Every grown up is allowed to have a social life/ to be in a romantic relationship. The fact that this guy is working so hard to pretend he doesn't have one is very troubling on many levels. It is also troubling that he manages to shut down communication when you try to address the elephant in his room. This is a man who is used to doing what he wants with no concern for your feelings. And if you just go along with him, then you're basically accepting his way of doing things. I'm a strong believer in communication. If I found myself in your situation, I wouldn't even bother investigating to figure out whether he was married or not. I would lay my concerns on the table and try to talk to him about them. And if he dismissed them and acted too upset to talk, then that would be a signal to me that it wasn't the right relationship for me. Period.

 

Sometimes we tend to ignore what our hearts are telling us and to overthink things. Don't. There is something very wrong with your relationship, and your instincts are working perfectly. Pay attention to what they're telling you.

[JaysFan1965]

Hi everyone. I have an update

 

The kids now know about me. They are staying at their dads this week. He told them about me Monday. They have been communicating with me on the computer. Which means Mom knows or will know soon , about me as well.

 

I am sooooo happy. I still do not know when I will meet them..but this is fine for me....I am just happy to know I am not a dirty little secret anymore.

[ThisGal]

Hi everyone. I have an update

 

The kids now know about me. They are staying at their dads this week. He told them about me Monday. They have been communicating with me on the computer. Which means Mom knows or will know soon , about me as well.

 

I am sooooo happy. I still do not know when I will meet them..but this is fine for me....I am just happy to know I am not a dirty little secret anymore.

 

I would have been happy for you about this update, however, it's still a very, very sad situation. He's still stringing you along. I'll quote your other posts and will let you know why you're being misled and why he's not serious about you.

[ThisGal]

He lives about an hour away. I had broken up from a 15 year relationship 2 years ago and had no interest in dating prior to this.

 

Skipping ahead..it`s been about 2 and a half months now. We pretty much alternate weekends. He has 10 year old twins who I haven`t met yet....

 

But the issue is...the ex does not know about me either.

 

One more thing that concerns me is that I`m not on his facebook..not even as a friend. I suggested it once and he shrugged it off saying that it wasn`t private and people know all you business.

 

To me this seems like BIG RED FLAGS. Again, I do like the guy and enjoy seeing him. Should I just be patient?

I deleted the bulk of this post and kept the ones I wanted to address.

 

Be careful. You've been in a relationship before for 15 years, wasted your time with a man who strung you along and was an unhealthy relationship. Sounds like you're in a relationship now that is eerily similar to your last one.

 

You two have been dating for 3 months now...is it exclusive? You haven't answered that. If he has not officially asked you to take it to the next level then it's just dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend (no matter how childish the term bf & gf may sound lol). Women tend to assume they are in a relationship just because they spend time w/ the guy, but realistically, it isn't an official courtship until it has been addressed. Moving on....

 

He hasn't told his ex wife. Huge flag or huge Canadian flag! He is keeping the relationship a secret, it's like a discreet affair. If he's unable to let the people in his life know you exist then the relationship is nonexistent. Period. I'm not saying he needs to go to his parents and tell them about you after just 3 months nor should he have to go to his kids and tell them ether, however, he shouldn't feel the need to keep what you two share a secret. As for the Facebook, I usually hate Facebook talk, because, well...it's a social networking website, but it's a tell-tale sign if he's not willing to put "in a relationship" with you as his status for all to see. If he does not want to make it public and keeps it private, well then he's playing games. He sees his ex wife a lot, it seems like they have something still there. I hate to just assume, but they are prob still sleeping together, especially if he spends the night at her home once a week. Him telling her about you will make her upset, there is feelings still involved with them and he's not yet over her.

 

I'll move on to your next post and explain more....

Edited August 30, 2013 by ThisGal

[ThisGal]

My reply to you is underlined.

 

I am supposed to be seeing him this weekend. Originally we planned for Friday. Then yesterday he said he wanted to see me today (Thurs) and that might work so I told him to let me know. I didn't hear from him all night..so I have no idea now. Now I realize that he is in no way committed to being in touch with me all the time; however, I must fill you in that he's done this a few times already....disappearing acts for an entire night....normally I get the "I fell asleep early" or "My email was down" message. (hmmm..then maybe pick up a phone??)

 

He should be considerate and not just cancel or make plans on you last minute. A man who cares would not do that because he respects your time and respects you as a person. If he cancels or makes last minute plans then it says a lot about his character. His stupid excuses are inexcusable. You're letting him get away with a lot. Those disappearing acts are unacceptable. No self-respecting woman would let a man feed er garbage excuses and let it slip by like it's OK. He does not care about you. How is an email down...hello! He can use another emailing service, or he could have simply called you. Speaking of which, NO relationship will work if you're not even able to communicate, not just written communication but verbal communication is very important. It needs to be ongoing. Any man who cares about a woman wants to hear her voice, he misses how she sounds, it comforts him. If he's OK not hearing you talk then he's not serious. And I can't believe that you're not allowed to call him. Wow! He should change his phone plan if he's unwilling to get charged .25 cents/min. Again, no relationship will work on measly text messages or emails and very few phone calls.

 

I had my birthday a few weeks back. I did not receive a phone call or a birthday card. I am not superficial and did not expect a present nor did I want one but I was happing for a gesture, no matter how small, that he was at least attempting to make me feel liked on my birthday

 

I can't believe that he didn't even wish you a happy birthday. My goodness! He can sleep with you, spend the weekends but can't call someone he supposedly cares about to wish her a happy birthday or a at the very least a birthday card, which cost like a buck these days. He made 0 effort, didn't think of you at all.

 

Along with the not being allowed on his facebook issue, the last time we spent the weekend together he was checking his email and I did see an email with a heart on the left which of course I know from experience is from a dating website. I did ask him about it and he said that he still gets emails from them even though he is not on them. This does worry me.

 

As well as it should worry you. He is still communicating with women online on those dating websites. The proof was right before your eyes. You're wasting your time lady. You're with a man who is involved, if not with his ex wife then with other women. He seems to be stringing you along and using you for sex and companionship. Things may be going OK for now but not for very long. I can almost predict you will have another fallout soon. This man is unpredictable, unreliable and not serious about you. I'm sorry. You need to drop him now before it's too late, you don't want o get too emotionally involved (seems like you're letting this happen already). You don't want another 15 years wasted on a man who is playing games with you, toying with your emotions. You shouldn't have to beg for attention, it should come naturally if he really cares. You're not nagging, you deserve an explanation, and you have been more than patient already. Don't make the same mistake twice. Just because he has allowed you to email his kids is not enough. You should have been able to meet them in person by now. Don't accept crumbs from him, you deserve better than that. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship and move on with your life. You'll meet someone where the feelings are mutual. Listen to your gut, the heart will mislead you. I know you won't like any of my responses but I seem to be the only one here being honest with you. Get out of FairyTale land and get back to reality. I'm sure deep-down you know the truth but want to deny it because you like his company, you like the sex, you like feeling 'loved' but be honest with yourself. He's not serious. Move on!

Edited August 30, 2013 by ThisGal

[JaysFan1965]

My reply to you is underlined.

Hi Everyone - thanks so much for your concern. I appreciate the feedback.

 

I just got back from a weekend with him. Fri - Tues am. We had a fantastic weekend. I totally get what you all are saying ; but I feel so good when we are together....we enjoy each other's company and we have fun.

 

I did meet another one of his friends and his wife. Also one night we went to a local pub not far from his house. He comes from a very small town....so going to a local pub, in my opinion, would not be something to do if I was still a secret ? You are bound to see someone you know there. We actually went out with one of his friends, but I had already met this one a few times at track meets. But as I mentioned above, I did also meet a friend from work and his wife.

 

I have strong feelings for the guy; that is why it is hard for me to not ignore the flags, and they are all starting to fade away...I wish they would fade away faster but that's just my own insecurities.

 

As for the exclusive....I really can't think of a way to ask that. I assume I am; however, you are right...I never know. But I really wouldn't know how to even bring that up.

[JaysFan1965]

Starting to feel negative again. He took his kids to a zoo today over 1-1/2 hours away. It would have been closer for him to bring them here as we have a zoo in town and it's an hour away. I do know he has 2 ex girlfriends that live in the city that he went to....but I really don't think that had anything to do with it or why would he tell me he was there or send me photos of the kids at the zoo.

 

But it made me very sad....I would have loved to go to the zoo with them. It would've been a great first meet...on neutral ground..the kids would have been pre-occupied anyway. I want him to be in my life and I want them to be too. I hoped that it would be mutual by now I do talk to them on the computer but still have not met them nor been offered to meet them

[CA2TN4Love]

Are you sure you're actually communicating with his kids?

 

As far as the people in his life that you are meeting, it sounds like they are just his friends, or teammates, or whatever. It doesn't sound like they are people who are important in his life: family. Once he introduces you to family, you'll know he's serious about you.

 

I still can't shake the thought that there's more going on with his ex than you're aware of. I see no reason why he couldn't have used the zoo as the perfect opportunity to meet his kids, especially IF you've already been communicating with them.

 

Start opening yourself up to dating other people, OP. You spent 15 years in a crappy relationship, no need to waste your time on someone who makes you feel negative, especially this early in the relationship. It should all be butterflies and rainbows for you, not skeletons hiding in the closet. You don't even know if you're exclusive, so assume you're not, and find someone who makes you feel fantastic about the relationship.

[ThisGal]

Not a good update. You two are still not exclusive and he's still not bringing you around family. He only let you meet associates. You really need to stop fooling yourself. I already wrote long, thorough responses to you in this thread regarding his behavior, if you want to continue ignoring the red flags then be my guest but it's quite obvious this man is not serious about you, his feelings are not mutual. There has been no real progression so far with you two. You're wasting your time. Stop spending weekends with him. Have some dignity to believe you deserve someone who isn't keeping you in the shadow but wants you out in the sunshine.

[justwhoiam]

You can't meet the children if you're not exclusive or a steady couple. You can't demand he introduces anyone he hangs with to them...

 

You don't know how to go about asking? Seriously? This is worse than you described it. You're not even comfortable around him. You are afraid of him or that he will run away. Do yourself a favor and clear things with him asap.

 

Step #1: you ask him if he's seeing other women.

He might deny.

 

Step #2: you ask him if he thinks there's ground for a serious relationship with you.

He might be evasive.

 

Step #3: you get a report on him.

 

Step #4: you decide.

[JaysFan1965]

Ok new update.....good ? bad ? a little of both ?

 

After FOUR months I decided it was time for me to be on his facebook....not being on it is just plain weird. So I sent a friend request and he accepted. BUT then I realized I was on limited profile. WTF ? I asked him about it and he said he wasn't sure how it happened and he would get his son to fix it (in my experience you have to ADD people to limited profile)

 

So I thought enough of the b.s. I posted a few pics of him and I..nothing in bad taste...just us at some of the places we visited ..and I tagged him in them. A few of his friends commented..and liked them etc. I texted him and said Sorry but it's time ......I don't want to be a dirty little secret anymore....if you don't like people seeing me well then just delete me form facebook.......and from your life. He kept the photos up

But the next day he emailed me and said I'm unclear how I feel about what you did on my facebook. What, posted pics of your girlfriend and you happy and having fun ? Oh no my bad. I sent an email expressing my dislike for his comment but then realized that he says a lot of weird things so I sent another saying I'm really not sure what you meant by that last email...he said I didn't mean anything by it...sorry I'm just tired.

 

In my opinion he was pissed about it BUT at the same time he realized that if he takes them down....game is over. It wouldn't have happened if I wasn't on limited profile. Now I'm on his son's facebook too..so everyone knows about me.

 

One thing that does bother me is whenever I asked him why he was not on his facebook he said...I'm rarely on it. Well I sure do wish facebook didn't have the online status icons..hes on it virtually ALL NIGHT.

 

So little good ? Little bad ? Little confused ?? Join the club LOL

[JaysFan1965]

Well everyone..it's over. I broke off with him today. And I did meet his kids....and fell in love with them . But they told me that daddy visits his ex girlfriend who lives about 120 km from him. There was one of the nights that I knew something was up..he told me he was thinking of taking the kids to the zoo.Actually he said it's raining out....kids might not get to go to the zoo. I realized now that text was not for me. Anyway he ended up going to the Peterborough zoo. I thought it was weird..he said he went because it's free..but it's so far away it didn't make sense. I didn't hear from him until after 1030 and he said that he was going to sleep and would not be up until at least 10 am. This was a definite flag...but I sort of forgot it. Well I was hanging out with the kids and they were saying they kept bugging their dad to meet me...and I said well it wasn't time...I thought I might get to meet you when you went to the zoo...I tried to get your dad to come to my zoo but he went to Peterborough. They said oh that's because we went and visited h is ex girlfriend. They are innocent and didn't know they were telling me something they should. When I finally did get a hold of him..he said sorry...the kids were all over my electronics I couldn't email you. No...it's because you were at your ex girlfriends...and the email at night is weird...did he stay over ?? The kids didn't mention it they did mention he kissed her goodbye but only on the cheek. When I saw him next I actually said did you go to the peteborough zoo because your ex gf lives there ? He said no it had nothing to do with it. OK there's another lie ..I asked him why he lied and he said itw as none of my F---g business. I think different. I can't continue a relationship with mistrust. He would not talk about it at all...he would just roll his eyes and say..oh here we go ..you are a typical woman. (Yes I am and PROUD of it)

 

The kids also told me he was EXTREMELY angry that I posted pics of him on facebook. He didn't even want me on his facebook but I finally insisted. So let me get it straight..the ex gf is allowed on it but the new gf is not ??? That's messed up (and this is not his ex who is the mother of his kids..that's an entirely different thing and I know she should be on it)..this is the gf he dated before me. (well who knows...maybe during). I wanted to end it this morning when I left his place but I couldn't...I do still love him....and I just wanted to hug and kiss him...but on the commute back to work I did a lot of thinking and this will always be there and I will never be okay with it and will question everything he does...even more than I already do. He does not like to communicate whatsoever and all it does it get him ticked off. So this is best for both of us.

 

I mad a very hard decision but it was the right one.

 

This is night #1...of course I'm sad about it.....it was only 4 monhts but I felt very strongly for him...I will miss his good morning texts the most...but in all honesty...I doubt theywere just being sent to me.

[soccerrprp]

Sorry and good riddance. You'll heal and find someone better...really.

[JaysFan1965]

Yes I kow...it just wasn't easy but I know he was def. not the right one. I just enjoyed the companionship but I can't settle. He is not trustworthy and even if people think it's okay that he visited his ex and lied about it.....I know my limitations and it will always bother me.

[ThisGal]

Yes I kow...it just wasn't easy but I know he was def. not the right one. I just enjoyed the companionship but I can't settle. He is not trustworthy and even if people think it's okay that he visited his ex and lied about it.....I know my limitations and it will always bother me.

I showed you all the red flags in many of your posts. I'm glad you finally opened your eyes, I'm sure deep down you already knew you were being misled, obviously why you posted in the first place. I am glad you decided to put yourself first and dump him. You would never be happy with a lying, untrustworthy man. You deserve better! Don't ever settle for less.

 

I hope you have taken him off your Facebook friend's list as well as your phone contact and email. No need to stay in touch. You'll be OK. Take care!