Won't tell his Ex about me

[JaysFan1965]

I posted this in the LDR section although it's not technically LDR related. I am seeing a guy that I met online . He lives about an hour away. I had broken up from a 15 year relationship 2 years ago and had no interest in dating prior to this. But a friend had talked me into doing online dating, although I really wasn't a fan (still don't think I am). But one day just almost by accident I viewed a profile of F . A little about me...I am normally a homebody...spend most of my time within a 10 km radius.....so for me to send a message to someone 100 Km away was very out of the ordinary for me . But he sounded like we had so much in common. As it happened..he was coming to my city that weekend for a track meet. I couldn't let this coincidence pass by so I went to meet him. I am very nervous about most stuff so I was totally freaked out about meeting him ..but within 2 min I already felt comfortable with him. We spent the day at the track meet talking and getting to know each other

 

Skipping ahead..it`s been about 2 and a half months now. We pretty much alternate weekends. He has 10 year old twins who I haven`t met yet....I want to very much as I never had kids of my own. I did have a stepson who I met when he was 10 and was killed at the age of 19. But F says he won`t bring people in and out of his kids`lives so I respect that.

 

But the issue is...the ex does not know about me either. So it makes scheduling complicated. I drove out there 2 weeks ago and she decided she wanted to drop the kids off early so had to leave. I don`t understand why he just couldn`t tell her he had a girl over.

 

We`ve had full weekends where we`ve spent 3-4 days together and it`s awesome. We have a lot in common and we do a lot of fun stuff. (I have never been with someone who has had common interests). We enjoy each other`s company...we laugh....he`s affectionate...all seems good. This weekend was the long weekend and his ex was actually in town too for a festival. She didn`t know he was visiting me (she doesn`t know I exist). He told me that he almost let it slip that he was coming. Made no sense..why would that be letting it slip.[FONT=Calibri]? [/FONT] Come Monday morning....she showed up at his place an hour away expecting him to be there (they needed to exchange cars) . She had no idea he was an hour away...so he told her he was AWAY and that he would be there as soon as possible. Came in packed his stuff up in 5 minutes and left. I felt bad for her as well, having to wait when this all could have been resolved if he told her he was seeing me for the weekend and planned an actual time to meet her at home.

 

They have been divorced for a number of years. They do have a close relationship...he goes over to her house once a week when he sees the kids. They live far away so he spends the evening there. He normally ends up doing several jobs for her while he`s there. He has helped her move....done her plumbing.....he`s her go to guy. I am not upset about that..my brother and his ex actually have a similar relationship and I personally think things are so much easier when people get along. But I don`t understand the secrecy

 

One more thing that concerns me is that I`m not on his facebook..not even as a friend. I suggested it once and he shrugged it off saying that it wasn`t private and people know all you business.

 

To me this seems like BIG RED FLAGS. Again, I do like the guy and enjoy seeing him. Should I just be patient [FONT=Calibri]?[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri] [/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][/FONT]

[CC12]

I don't see BIG RED FLAGS yet. You've only known each other for a couple of months, and he's not yet comfortable with announcing your relationship to his family. That seems reasonable of him, especially since there are kids involved.

 

I think you should be more patient. You seem to feel that you should be more involved with his life, and that the ex should know about you and that you should meet his kids and be on his facebook, and all that. But I think it's way too early to expect all of that.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with CC12. It's too early. He needs to get to know you better before taking such a step further. You're only in the early stage of dating. Is he your boyfriend? Not to put a label on it just for the sake of it, but that would be the first next step if not there yet. That he becomes your boyfriend and you're exclusive.

 

That said, I can tell you don't have any kids. Seeing one's kids once a week is nothing... And it makes sense they are a priority to him. That is not going to change. I would ask him the following, very quietly, with no anxiety, making him feel comfortable:

1) How do you feel about me long-term? Do you see yourself with me as a steady couple?

2) (if he says yes) When do you think you'd feel comfortable introducing me to your family?

3) (if he's uncertain) What do you think is making you uncertain?

4) (if he says no) (well, this is not going to happen hopefully) Is it because you live day by day, or because you feel I'm not what you really need?

[Chris516]

I was originally going to say that the OP is being unreasonable.

 

But as I was typing, I had a 'change of heart'.

 

The OP should insist that her SO, should tell his ex-wife, about who the OP is.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Chris516

[Carenth]

I was originally going to say that the OP is being unreasonable.

 

But as I was typing, I had a 'change of heart'.

 

The OP should insist that her SO, should tell his ex-wife, about who the OP is.

 

Care to elaborate as to why?

 

For me I've never been in relationship involving children, let alone a divorcee with children. So it is a little outside my experience range. However he has made it clear he doesn't want to bring people in and out of his childrens life.

 

Until he is ready to have you meet his children then he won't be telling his ex most likely. If he only sees them once a week then I'm guessing his ex has custody over the children. Which means his ex will probably go off the deep end if he plans to introduce you to the children without consulting her first.

 

He will put his children first if that is the only access he has to them. That is the way it is going to be really. You will have to be patient in this situation, forcing the issue this early in the relationship will more than likely make him decide which is more important to him. I will place my bets on his children.

 

I don't really see red flags with this situation however it wouldn't be a relationship I would personally be diving into.

[bentleychic]

Are you POSITIVE they are actually divorced and not still married?

[ZX4]

Here's the thing: If this guy was REALLY into you, he would tell EVERYONE. If he had met his soulmate, his best-friend, his one-and-only, he would tell his entire family.

 

He would also spend more than just weekends with you.

 

He would drive during the week, multiple times during the week, to see you. Even it it meant he could only see you for a few hours.

 

He wouldn't give a flying ****.

 

So, what your real issue is isn't the red flags: It's the fact that he still needs to "grow" on you.

 

Now, if you're fine with this, there is nothing to worry about.

 

But, if you want a partner that has a real, true, intense connection with you, I'd pass.

 

Believe me, I have met people online that were willing to travel across the country just to be closer, and they didnt give two ****s about what their ex's or family thought.

[Chris516]

Care to elaborate as to why?

 

For me I've never been in relationship involving children, let alone a divorcee with children. So it is a little outside my experience range. However he has made it clear he doesn't want to bring people in and out of his childrens life.

 

Until he is ready to have you meet his children then he won't be telling his ex most likely. If he only sees them once a week then I'm guessing his ex has custody over the children. Which means his ex will probably go off the deep end if he plans to introduce you to the children without consulting her first.

 

He will put his children first if that is the only access he has to them. That is the way it is going to be really. You will have to be patient in this situation, forcing the issue this early in the relationship will more than likely make him decide which is more important to him. I will place my bets on his children.

 

I don't really see red flags with this situation however it wouldn't be a relationship I would personally be diving into.

I have also not been in a relationship where I would be involved with a woman(in my case) of the separated/divorced couple. But before a separated spouse or ex-spouse brings someone new around the kids, the other (ex)spouse has a right to know who is being brought around their kids. Even to the point of looking them up on a criminal database. While he will definitely put the children first, it is better to check the person's background out, and lose them. Rather than mistakenly let them around the kids.

[sdraw108]

Not telling his kids is one thing. Being secretive around his ex to the point of inconvenience, is another. Why would it make any difference if the ex knew he was visiting a girl?

[JaysFan1965]

Sdraw108.... That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm not talking about the kids... I totally agree with him and I'd be reluctant to meet them so soon because I would become attached and would be heartbroken if things didn't with out. It's the ex thing that bothers me.

 

He has the kids every second weekend and visits em once a week . I know he's protecting the, and that he's a great father .

 

To whomever mentioned the criminal background check ... I'd have no problem with that.. I am actively involved in coaching children's sports so I habe current police checks . But again the kids are not the issue !!!... It's the ex. Why can't she at least know he's seeing someone ??

[xoNJ]

It sounds like him and his x are still in love and he wants her to think he's single so one day they can get back together...End it now before u get hurt.

[CA2TN4Love]

Not telling his kids is one thing. Being secretive around his ex to the point of inconvenience, is another. Why would it make any difference if the ex knew he was visiting a girl?

 

I agree with this. I totally understand him not wanting to introduce her to his children yet. It's each of the parent's jobs to protect the children, but there should be no reason to hide her from the ex. The way the OP mentioned that he "almost let it slip" is telling. If it were me in the OP's shoes, I'd feel like the OW, and that would not make me comfortable. I'd feel like a dirty, little secret.

 

I think you should tell him how you feel, OP, because it's bothering you. Have you met any of his friends or family? Have you had the "exclusivity" talk? It sounds like you've spent many days and nights with him, so it doesn't seem too early to have one, if you haven't already. If I were you, I'd want it resolved before I devoted a year to someone who still doesn't feel I measure up to being included in his "other life".

[JaysFan1965]

I have not met any of his family, but I've met some of his track and field friends. He coaches track and it's a big part of his life. I've been to 3 meets with him so I've met some of the people involved in his club.

 

He has met my family. He met my dad on his birthday......it was during the first weekend that we spent the entire weekend together and it was my dad's birthday..it was the only way I could make the scheduling work and I mentioned it to him and he said for sure, I have no problem meeting your dad. So he has met my dad brother and niece. He has met all the girls on my ball team and he's met a few close friends. This is always voluntarily.....last weekend we were on a long bike ride and a friend texted that she was in town so he said let's go back so we can go see your friend. So he has no issues meeting people in my life...

[TMichaels]

Instead of getting annoyed and frustrated that people here aren't giving you the answer you want, why don't you ask *him?*

 

If you don't feel comfortable about doing that... Hmmm... Why would that be? Perhaps that the two of you don't know each other well enough since you only have been dating 2.5 months?

 

If six months from now the ex still doesn't know, then I think you have a legitimate gripe.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[JaysFan1965]

No I'm not getting annoyed. I am enjoying hearing different perspectives, it helps.

 

I have actually mentioned it to him but he gets his back up and I don't want to rock the boat so I end up dropping it.

[justwhoiam]

I sort of agree with TMichaels. 2 months is too early for me. Maybe he has dated other women in the near past and it ended up it was just a castle in the air. So I think it's wise of him to just wait and see. And if you don't even stand the test of two months or become too clingy, or demand priority over his kids... he's going to let you go...

 

That said, he might be separated and waiting for divorce or maybe he hasn't filed for divorce yet. That's possible. I guess you can ask for a report on him, if you want to put your mind at ease about that. So if he lied, you can confront him.

[JaysFan1965]

Ok everyone keeps saying about the kids being a priority. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM would I ever want to take priority over kids. They are absolutely not the issue. I was just concerned about him not telling the ex...some of you had made some valid points about it being too early. I will take your advice because other than that..things are going well so I will go with my heart and ignore my gut .

[TMichaels]

...things are going well so I will go with my heart and ignore my gut .

 

Oh, that sounds like a sure plan for disaster.

 

Why don't you at least do some checking and find out if he has told you the truth about his ex? For fifty bucks or less you can do some on-line sleuthing and ascertain what their real status is and for how long.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[JaysFan1965]

Oh, that sounds like a sure plan for disaster.

 

Why don't you at least do some checking and find out if he has told you the truth about his ex? For fifty bucks or less you can do some on-line sleuthing and ascertain what their real status is and for how long.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Seriously? I didn't know I could do that....interesting. I am in Canada....

[TMichaels]

Seriously? I didn't know I could do that....interesting. I am in Canada....

 

So what? Your credit card is as good as the next guy's.

 

And, um... The Internet and websites that are accessible via it are available (with few exceptions) to anyone world-wide regardless of their location or citizenship.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Agree, the guy sounds married. Either that or he is telling the x wife he wants to get back together.

 

OP you are correct, not meeting the kds is not a red flag. Him rushing home to meet her, making you leave, etc. huge red flag.

 

You can do quick background check and see if his divorce is actually final.

 

It's early enough to get out if he's a liar. If he's telling the truth, then you need to find out why he's paranoid about her finding out.

[JaysFan1965]

So what? Your credit card is as good as the next guy's.

 

And, um... The Internet and websites that are accessible via it are available (with few exceptions) to anyone world-wide regardless of their location or citizenship.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Do you have sites you would recommend? And there's no way of him finding out that I've looked him up is there?

[FitChick]

If they are living in separate dwellings, then they are at least separated, which isn't that good.

 

Find out how long they were separated before he got his final decree.

 

Find out how many boyfriends his ex has had since they split up.

 

Find out how many girlfriends he's had. It's possible she has made trouble for him in the past if he had girlfriends and he wants to avoid drama.

 

Wait for the six-month mark before bringing up ultimatums regarding telling his ex.

[TMichaels]

Do you have sites you would recommend? And there's no way of him finding out that I've looked him up is there?

 

Google "Background Checks Canada" and see what's out there. Unless you hire a Private Investigator, all of the sites you're likely to run across get/aggregate their information from public databases (phone listings, criminal/civil court records, etc.) and since this information "is public" anyone can view it about anyone and no one is ever the wiser.

 

Companies do background checks all the time on job candidates/prospective employees so there's a plethora of those listed in Canada. One of those might yield results, but just be careful the site will only do background checks for the requestor (i.e., *you* as opposed to another person). Some of them are set up that way.

 

There are others that seem to be all-in-one sites like this one which happens to have a section devoted to various types of Canadian searches.

 

Finally, you can often turn up quite a surprising amount of info without paying anyone a dime if you just have the patience and determination to "Google Mine." It helps, of course, to already know some details like where the person lives/lived, real/legal name, spouse/children's names, hobbies, profession, place of address, phone number, email address or other personal data, but you don't need to know all that.

 

Often, just a few "crumbs" will be enough to piece together a picture which you then might decide to try and corroborate through a paid search/report.

 

Truth of the matter is, nothing much anymore is private, thanks to the Internet. The flip side of that, however, with a little cash and resourcefulness anyone can check out just about anyone else out there and save themselves a whole heck of a lot of grief if s/he is not who s/he purported to be.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[JaysFan1965]

It seems these sites are not valid in Canada. I'm not sure if it would give me any clarity anyway.

 

I am supposed to be seeing him this weekend. Originally we planned for Friday. Then yesterday he said he wanted to see me today (Thurs) and that might work so I told him to let me know. I didn't hear from him all night..so I have no idea now. Now I realize that he is in no way committed to being in touch with me all the time; however, I must fill you in that he's done this a few times already....disappearing acts for an entire night....normally I get the "I fell asleep early" or "My email was down" message. (hmmm..then maybe pick up a phone??)

 

Speaking of which, I am not allowed to call him. I can text or email him. He has pay as you go so he said please don't call me....texts are free but phone calls are 25 cents a minute. Now I had no intention of calling him but hearing that......makes me want to. Why am I not at all phone-worthy. As long as I don't abuse his phone time...should I not be allowed to call him especially when we go 1-2 weeks without seeing each other.

 

I had my birthday a few weeks back. I did not receive a phone call or a birthday card. I am not superficial and did not expect a present nor did I want one but I was happing for a gesture, no matter how small, that he was at least attempting to make me feel liked on my birthday

 

Along with the not being allowed on his facebook issue, the last time we spent the weekend together he was checking his email and I did see an email with a heart on the left which of course I know from experience is from a dating website. I did ask him about it and he said that he still gets emails from them even though he is not on them. This does worry me.

 

I do have some trust issues, I will admit....due to my ex who lied 24/7 for 15 years until I finally worked up the courage to go on my own. Maybe I am making too much of each of these things...but putting them all together as a whole........it just screams out RUN to me. Then at the same time, I miss him and want to see him and I know that as soon as I hear from him, if he says something cute I will automatically say awww and then want to see him again. Is this just me being flaky? Maybe it's just the attention. I am now losing sleep worrying about stuff. It took me a couple of years to get back on my feet and start to feel comfortable again in my own skin....I still believe I should listen to my gut but it's so hard and so confusing.