is this cheating?

[jennifersmith]

It sounds like you both are just existing together for the sake of existing together.

 

You said the relationship is stale. What is the point of staying with the BF if he doesn't really give a damn?

 

yea, I guess, at some point, we might not be in sync in when we want to try working things out.

 

Well...you appeared to tell him about 3/4 of the truth. So he made comments based on that.* But

 

You did get a strange response. So that means there is some piece of information YOU don't have. I would be curious about that.

 

YEAH, exactly what I'm thinking....

 

First, huge kudos for telling him, wow nice job.

 

Thanks! What would any good come out of it if I don't follow the advices here haha!

 

Second, you didn't really tell him the significance did you? I mean, that you guys have romantic dinners and chats and such. And that your feelings are becoming more than fond. And that you might NOT always come home. Be honest, if the SO doesn't step it up and invest you guys become roommates?

 

My two cents, for what it's worth.

 

Well, he DOES know that we go out for dinners. Whether he thinks that's romantic or not is another story. For example, tonight I went with X to Y restaurant to have dinner. So obviously, this Y restaurant are not a family diner. It is possible that he thinks X and myself are foodies hence the restaurant. I am not sure. Regardless, if I am finding a time to TELL HIM that we have problems and I brought out Mr X, if he cares at all, he would have ASKED?! Don't you think? Trust me, he's not a naive person, and his reactions are likely a way to show that he don't want to deal with this for now, and he thinks things are fine they are .. at least for now. I am not sure if I should bring this up any more because it's not fun to have these kind of conversation.

[2sunny]

Half truths and omissions - that's not honesty.

 

Be honest.

 

How can he know when he doesn't know?

 

His non reaction is because you minimized your relationship with the OM.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I don't think you minimized the relationship with your friend, at least not intentionally.

 

I know these conversations tend to be an emotional and psychological drain-I've had far too many of them, myself-but I say you lay all the cards out on the table, and see how your SO responds.

 

From what you posted, he'd being dismissive, acting as if he couldn't care less. That's kind of a warning sign to me.

 

Not that he's necessarily done anything, but that maybe he's not that emotionally invested in your relationship, either.

 

Once you put all the cards out there, decide from there if your relationship with your SO is worth saving, or not. Let's forget about the emotions for your married friend; put him aside for a moment.

 

If he wasn't around, how would you feel about SO? At what point did things start becoming stale? Have they pretty much always been that way?

 

I encourage you to examine your relationship with both your SO, and your friend. From what you've said, I don't think you and your SO have a good relationship. It has the potential to become one, but that involves both of you getting on board with it.

 

It sounds like both of you aren't; you're more dependent on X emotionally, and your SO is ignoring the problem, thinking it will just solve itself.

 

Definitely mull things over, and use caution in whatever you decide to do.

[jennifersmith]

Half truths and omissions - that's not honesty.

 

Be honest.

 

How can he know when he doesn't know?

 

His non reaction is because you minimized your relationship with the OM.

 

 

I seriously wasn't trying or going to omit anything. It is fairly difficult to continue any conversation if the other side is not responding by asking more. I SO has always pretty much known I put MM in a very important position, and I have not hidden that we go out on trips/ or on romantic dinners. Plus, if I do not think it's a problem, I would not have brought it up to him.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Half truths and omissions - that's not honesty.

 

Be honest.

 

How can he know when he doesn't know?

 

His non reaction is because you minimized your relationship with the OM.

 

Even if she did minimize, it's hardly fair to put this all on her. Her SO has enough awareness of the situation that if he truly cared, he would have reacted accordingly. Instead, he's being dismissive, and didn't want to continue with the conversation.

 

Some of this is on him, as well. OP isn't the only one responsible for the state of their relationship.

[jennifersmith]

I don't think you minimized the relationship with your friend, at least not intentionally.

 

I know these conversations tend to be an emotional and psychological drain-I've had far too many of them, myself-but I say you lay all the cards out on the table, and see how your SO responds.

 

From what you posted, he'd being dismissive, acting as if he couldn't care less. That's kind of a warning sign to me.

 

Not that he's necessarily done anything, but that maybe he's not that emotionally invested in your relationship, either.

 

Once you put all the cards out there, decide from there if your relationship with your SO is worth saving, or not. Let's forget about the emotions for your married friend; put him aside for a moment.

 

If he wasn't around, how would you feel about SO? At what point did things start becoming stale? Have they pretty much always been that way?

 

I encourage you to examine your relationship with both your SO, and your friend. From what you've said, I don't think you and your SO have a good relationship. It has the potential to become one, but that involves both of you getting on board with it.

 

It sounds like both of you aren't; you're more dependent on X emotionally, and your SO is ignoring the problem, thinking it will just solve itself.

 

Definitely mull things over, and use caution in whatever you decide to do.

 

 

I think you summed things up here pretty well!!! That's pretty much how I have accessed the situation at this point. I am not sure if he is, on the side, also have a GF (i would hope not, but what can i say?). I think we both grew out of this relationship and though I care very much for him, there is no more romance involved. It is often the case, I guess for people that have been together for a while? I suppose?

 

I believe his reactions are due to several reasons, .. it is possible that he already noticed this for a while, he doesn't want to invest in saving the relationship anymore, and we have grown distant. But since there are no good reasons to break up, we stay together. It is also possible that he didn't know how to react at this point, and didn't want to admit there are problems in our relationship, and even if we do have problems, it is taking too much effort to think / work on. (That's also somewhat, my reaction, if he is going to tell me he has been cheating with another person). It is also possible that he doesn't see MM as a threat to our relationship, he might feel comfortable that I have someone so loving and dear to me and that he is glad X was always able to be there for me like a good big brother sort of person (Ok, X is truly a genuine person, couple the fact that he has some sort of almost magical charismatic character that convince people to always do what HE wants also).

[JustAReformedGirl]

I think you summed things up here pretty well!!! That's pretty much how I have accessed the situation at this point. I am not sure if he is, on the side, also have a GF (i would hope not, but what can i say?). I think we both grew out of this relationship and though I care very much for him, there is no more romance involved. It is often the case, I guess for people that have been together for a while? I suppose?

 

I've heard tell that it's typical when you've been with someone for a long time. Sometimes, it's just that you've become too comfortable with each other, and the relationship can regain the sparks it once had (though they may be different sparks, from the type that draw you into the relationship to begin with).

 

Other times, the infatuation and lusting period were the only true aspects of the relationship, in which no real love or romance can be salvaged.

 

I'm not sure what category your relationship fits into. It will likely take some investigating of your own, to figure that out.

 

I believe his reactions are due to several reasons, .. it is possible that he

already noticed this for a while, he doesn't want to invest in saving the

relationship anymore, and we have grown distant. But since there are no good

reasons to break up, we stay together.

 

I think this is a pretty common thing, too. It's flawed logic, but so many of us have it pounded into our heads that, unless there is an "actual" issue, like too much fighting or some form of abuse, we have to keep going on in the relationship-just because we can't put our fingers on what's wrong with it. The thing is, if you're both unhappy and distant, that is a legitimate reason to separate.

 

I'm not saying you have to; the choice is yours, and it is possible that you could salvage the relationship-but once you've tried, over and over, without any positive results...well, there comes a time when you need to throw in the towel.

 

What do you feel fits your situation?

 

 

It is also possible that he didn't know how to react at this point, and

didn't want to admit there are problems in our relationship, and even if we do

have problems, it is taking too much effort to think / work on.

 

While I can see this being a possibility, and while I can sympathize with your SO (and you, when you find yourself feeling that way), eventually he needs to stop ignoring the issues, and face them. The longer he ignores them, the larger they will become. I suggest talking to him about this; the problems aren't going to magically go away, so both of you probably need to do some serious soul searching, and figure out what's best for both of you.

 

 

 

It is also possible that he doesn't see MM as a threat to our relationship, he might feel comfortable that I have someone so loving and dear to me and that he is glad X was always able to be there for me like a good big brother sort of person (Ok, X is truly a genuine person, couple the fact that he has some sort of almost magical charismatic character that convince people to always do what HE wants also).

 

If he perceives X as a brotherly type to you, you might want to figure out whether he is, or not. If not, let your SO know this. He may be glad that you have someone you can depend on, but your SO should try to be that person. He should want to be that person; even if he's okay with you bonding with X, and he respects X, he still ought to be fulfilling his part of your relationship together.

 

Of course, the fact that you've both grown distant is problematic; it's as though he's alright with the level of apathy...like some form of resignation.

 

Whatever scenario wins up being true, one thing remains; you both need to figure out if you want to be together or not, and from there, decide what course to take.

[Chi townD]

Taking all of the suggestions, the first thing I did is to talk to my SO, finally I got a chance to do so yesterday. I found a chance to ask him how do you feel that I am so close to X (X refer to the MM). He responded by asking why would I suddenly ask about that. I told him that I think there are a lot of things I don't feel I can share with him and if I have problems I would run to X first... And it goes on. He said he respects X (X has actually helped him out of some difficult circumstances before, so my SO really appreciates and respect him), and he understand why women (in general, including me) would fall head over heel for him (because he's probably what all women want in a man). And I asked him, so he thinks it is OK that I feel so fondly about someone that is not my BF, and he said, no matter what, I still go home to him and that's what is most important. I said, perhaps we should work on communicating better and perhaps working out some issues we have, because it seems like we're in a stale relationship and it's not really going anywhere. (Also we are pretty much in a LD relationship, as his job needs to be away from his "home" base in alternate months, and I travel a lot as well). He then said he's really tired from this discussion, and wish I don't think too much about it.

what are your thoughts ?

 

My thought? You're cheating. Period.

 

You value this MM more than your SO. You're already justifying what's going on with MM because you think that your SO is dismissive about everything. That he bolts when things get bad and comes back when things are okay. Is it possible that you are subconsciously starting fights with SO to make things bad because you feel guilty about what you're doing in your relationship with him? Could you admit that it might be a possibility?

 

You spend your days with MM, that's cheating. You go on vacation with another man. That's cheating. You're secretive about the relationship with MM to your SO and you haven't told him the extent of your feelings about MM to you SO. That's cheating.

 

You spend your days WITH ANOTHER MAN. You go on vacations WITH ANOTHER MAN! That's cheating the relationship because, those are times you are withholding from your man. Those are times you should be spending with your boyfriend. Enjoying those times with your boyfriend (a man that you promised to be exclusive with).

 

So, with that in mind, you're cheating. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. You're taking away time that COULD have been spent with your boyfriend. You're taking away feelings that SHOULD be directed towards your boyfriend and fixing your relationship. Reconnecting with your boyfriend.

 

So, yeah.......you're cheating.

[jennifersmith]

My thought? You're cheating. Period.

 

You value this MM more than your SO. You're already justifying what's going on with MM because you think that your SO is dismissive about everything. That he bolts when things get bad and comes back when things are okay. Is it possible that you are subconsciously starting fights with SO to make things bad because you feel guilty about what you're doing in your relationship with him? Could you admit that it might be a possibility?

 

You spend your days with MM, that's cheating. You go on vacation with another man. That's cheating. You're secretive about the relationship with MM to your SO and you haven't told him the extent of your feelings about MM to you SO. That's cheating.

 

You spend your days WITH ANOTHER MAN. You go on vacations WITH ANOTHER MAN! That's cheating the relationship because, those are times you are withholding from your man. Those are times you should be spending with your boyfriend. Enjoying those times with your boyfriend (a man that you promised to be exclusive with).

 

So, with that in mind, you're cheating. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. You're taking away time that COULD have been spent with your boyfriend. You're taking away feelings that SHOULD be directed towards your boyfriend and fixing your relationship. Reconnecting with your boyfriend.

 

So, yeah.......you're cheating.

 

 

The "what are your thoughts" are suppose to be on how I should be talking to him, not whether I am cheating or not. But glad you have that clarified for me!

[nescafe1982]

I would pretty much +1 everything Rebel-Dynasty said. BRAVO to you for bringing up a tough convo with your SO. That had to be difficult.

 

I think your SO's lack of reaction is concerning as well. This is just a theory (a theory based on experience, but a theory nonetheless), but perhaps he's okay with what looks like a dependency between you and MM because if MM is taking care of your emotional needs, he doesn't have to? It's HARD to take care of your spouse's feelings... and if your SO is no longer emotionally invested in the relationship, he might not be jealous of your time with MM because MM is basically maintaining you emotionally. It's a very stable type of dependency, and I totally believe you if you say it isn't about sex/attraction. But: it's not a healthy pattern, and it's unlikely any of you are satisfied with the way things are going.

 

This might sound like an out-of-the-blue question, but how's the sex life with SO? Most of the time, this relationship pattern accompanies a real drop-off in sexual activity, to reflect the lack of emotional intimacy.

 

I was in a long-term relationship like this once. I had NO idea how miserable I was until after it had ended.

[Chi townD]

The "what are your thoughts" are suppose to be on how I should be talking to him, not whether I am cheating or not. But glad you have that clarified for me!

 

 

Well, then be honest with him for once. because the way that you are writing shows me that you are way more invested in this MM than you are of your boyfriend. And even though he hasn't tried to make it physical....yet. If he even gave you one indication that he wanted physical affection, you would fold in a minute. Seems lie you're just waiting for him to give you a green light. Now, how is this being fair to your boyfriend?

 

If you value a relationship at all with your boyfriend, then you need to cut ties with MM. ALL OF THEM!

 

Then, you need to focus on your boyfriend and the relationship. You NEED to get him to couples counseling because it seems like you two have a hard time communicating. You have a job that has you traveling and he has a job that takes him away too. But, you two aren't making the most of the time that you have together! You aren't maximizing those times. Which sucks and you fall into a rut.

 

So, you need to be honest. And even if that honest might make you lose him? Then, it is what it is.

[jennifersmith]

Both of you really touches to the core of the problem. And I do recognize this as problematic and not healthy for the relationship. What nescafe suggested, I believe, if not how HE is feeling, is somewhat how I am feeling. To be totally honest to myself, perhaps because i have not YET lost him, I didn't know how hard it will be on me, but I have imagined to myself what if one day he comes home and tell me he's leaving, and he found someone that understands him and can share much more happiness with him than he can with me, I would want myself to be a bigger person and be happy for him instead of feeling bitter and sad about it. Because I have yet to lose him, maybe I have underestimated how hard it will hit me also.

 

The sex part is still okay, though I don't think I put as much effort in trying to explore or to please anymore. :sick:we have explored everything we can in such long yrs... But nonetheless, it is not 'bad', and it happens pretty regularly when he's at home.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

JS...I believe that when someone behaves in a puzzling way, it is because you do not have all the facts. Your SO did not seem concerned. So either you minimized or....

 

1. He has another relationship of his own. One that provides him what your relationship does not. Sex, emotional closeness whatever.

2. He is ok with status quo. Emotionally stunted or lazy or whatever.

3. Maybe he believes that the MM won't act on it, and believes you won't, focusing on sex only and not the emotional infidelity as the risk.

4. He has already got one foot out the door so it doesn't matter either way.

 

Any discussions about relationships are difficult. But if you aren't honest about your feelings and how they are changing your relationship will die. Maybe it's already gone...

 

I have to say...after reading this...I think you have an emotionally unsatisfactory relationship with your SO and you met someone who is charming and who listens to you. Is interested in your opinions and who invests in time with you.

 

You have supplemented the relationship with your SO for 4 years with MM. It has kept you from breaking up, and finding someone who can fulfill all your needs. Ultimately, you are keeping yourself from building your own family. Because you are starting to fall in love with the MM.

 

You are also negatively impacting MM relationship, but you know that.

[Chi townD]

Both of you really touches to the core of the problem. And I do recognize this as problematic and not healthy for the relationship. What nescafe suggested, I believe, if not how HE is feeling, is somewhat how I am feeling. To be totally honest to myself, perhaps because i have not YET lost him, I didn't know how hard it will be on me, but I have imagined to myself what if one day he comes home and tell me he's leaving, and he found someone that understands him and can share much more happiness with him than he can with me, I would want myself to be a bigger person and be happy for him instead of feeling bitter and sad about it. Because I have yet to lose him, maybe I have underestimated how hard it will hit me also.

 

The sex part is still okay, though I don't think I put as much effort in trying to explore or to please anymore. :sick:we have explored everything we can in such long yrs... But nonetheless, it is not 'bad', and it happens pretty regularly when he's at home.

 

BINGO! Because right now, if you lost your boyfriend, you probably don't think that it would hit you that hard because you have the MM and MM's shoulder to cry on. But to be honest, would he REALLY be there for you? I mean, he's married. He should be there for someone else. Someone that he pledged his life to at the altar in front of friends, family and God. He never made that pledge to you. You will never fully have him. Even if he left his wife and wanted to pursue something with you. Stats show that less than 7% of relationships that start from an affair actually make it the long haul. Probably because the foundation of the relationship was built on the pain of others. So, chances are you would lose your boyfriend over a relationship that's doom from the word go.

 

And sex not being "bad" tells me that it's routine. Sexual excitement and then "getting off". You stated that you've explored everything. But, maybe you're take on sex is a little different than mine is. For me, sex is the ultimate way to communicate your love and feelings to other physically. To connect with a person both literally and mentally.

 

Look, I've had one night stands in my past and the sex was good. Or the way you put it "not bad" But the sex with a girl that I was in a relationship with was ALWAYS better. Because I had a connection with them. I knew what she liked and she knew what I liked. And it was always mind blowing! So, right now, you're having sex with a stranger because you have lost the ability to communicate with your boyfriend. How do you think couples have made it being married 30, 40 or 50 years? Because they are able to communicate. In time, people change and you have to be able to talk about these changes and come to a happy median that works for the two of you.

 

Also, the way you write sounds like the romance is gone. That's something that needs to be communicated as well. I mean, how would you feel if he came home and had a surprise for you. He told you to pack an overnight bag because he's reserved a room for the two of you at a quant little B&B out of town. In a quite little town with local shops and little festivals going on that weekend? Or if he left you little post it notes for you to find stating that he loves you? Or send you flowers at your work for no special occasion other than he's thinking about you? Would you WANT him then?

 

I think that it would be wise to convince him to go to couples counseling with you so you guys can learn to communicate again.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Chi townD

[jennifersmith]

JS...I believe that when someone behaves in a puzzling way, it is because you do not have all the facts. Your SO did not seem concerned. So either you minimized or....

 

1. He has another relationship of his own. One that provides him what your relationship does not. Sex, emotional closeness whatever.

2. He is ok with status quo. Emotionally stunted or lazy or whatever.

3. Maybe he believes that the MM won't act on it, and believes you won't, focusing on sex only and not the emotional infidelity as the risk.

4. He has already got one foot out the door so it doesn't matter either way.

 

Any discussions about relationships are difficult. But if you aren't honest about your feelings and how they are changing your relationship will die. Maybe it's already gone...

 

I have to say...after reading this...I think you have an emotionally unsatisfactory relationship with your SO and you met someone who is charming and who listens to you. Is interested in your opinions and who invests in time with you.

 

You have supplemented the relationship with your SO for 4 years with MM. It has kept you from breaking up, and finding someone who can fulfill all your needs. Ultimately, you are keeping yourself from building your own family. Because you are starting to fall in love with the MM.

 

You are also negatively impacting MM relationship, but you know that.

 

 

You have literally spoken my mind! I believe I am in an emotionally unsatisfactory relationship. I am not sure if I am the cause of it, partially because I was able to invest emotionally in someone else, or we naturally grew apart and both of us are too busy to fix things. It is possible that he is also in the same state of mind, and is ambivalent on what to do or whether he should be doing things. Of course each of us has our insecurities, for his, there seems to always be a core thing that cannot be resolved between us. I have known my SO for a really long time since college (we didn't start dating until after though), he grew up in an abusive household with abusive parents where lots of alcohol and maybe drugs? were involved. In fact, he was the first (and likely the only) kid among his whole family to attend college. He made it there all by himself, with some hard work, and a lot of school loans. Contrarily, I was well provided for by my family, have great parents and siblings, went to private school all my life etc. so you get the story. I always felt he's bitter about his up-bringing and he brings in this relationship a lot of unresolved issues. For example, he often "blame" me on not knowing how to do things because I have had it easy all my life etc... While I try to be understanding, I am fed up with these kind of resentment and I felt he should get past with these issues already. I think this (and among other issues) could have fuelled my emotional detachment from him (and aside from whether I or not I want to be romantically involve with MM). It is true, though, the existence of MM prevent me from working harder or trying harder in this existing relationship. Because in some way, I would ask myself, if even MM is doing this and my own BF is not, why am I still investing in this relationship.

 

 

 

BINGO! Because right now, if you lost your boyfriend, you probably don't think that it would hit you that hard because you have the MM and MM's shoulder to cry on. But to be honest, would he REALLY be there for you? I mean, he's married. He should be there for someone else. Someone that he pledged his life to at the altar in front of friends, family and God. He never made that pledge to you. You will never fully have him. Even if he left his wife and wanted to pursue something with you. Stats show that less than 7% of relationships that start from an affair actually make it the long haul. Probably because the foundation of the relationship was built on the pain of others. So, chances are you would lose your boyfriend over a relationship that's doom from the word go.

 

And sex not being "bad" tells me that it's routine. Sexual excitement and then "getting off". You stated that you've explored everything. But, maybe you're take on sex is a little different than mine is. For me, sex is the ultimate way to communicate your love and feelings to other physically. To connect with a person both literally and mentally.

 

Look, I've had one night stands in my past and the sex was good. Or the way you put it "not bad" But the sex with a girl that I was in a relationship with was ALWAYS better. Because I had a connection with them. I knew what she liked and she knew what I liked. And it was always mind blowing! So, right now, you're having sex with a stranger because you have lost the ability to communicate with your boyfriend. How do you think couples have made it being married 30, 40 or 50 years? Because they are able to communicate. In time, people change and you have to be able to talk about these changes and come to a happy median that works for the two of you.

 

Also, the way you write sounds like the romance is gone. That's something that needs to be communicated as well. I mean, how would you feel if he came home and had a surprise for you. He told you to pack an overnight bag because he's reserved a room for the two of you at a quant little B&B out of town. In a quite little town with local shops and little festivals going on that weekend? Or if he left you little post it notes for you to find stating that he loves you? Or send you flowers at your work for no special occasion other than he's thinking about you? Would you WANT him then?

 

I think that it would be wise to convince him to go to couples counseling with you so you guys can learn to communicate again.

 

 

While I understand the concern, perhaps I should think whether this is a person or a relationship that's worth saving before I jump into all the counseling and all that. A relationship is important, and a marriage is important. But at some point, it reaches its end and the end of a relationship is not the end of the world. I never would want to make MM unhappy by ruining his marriage, and I do not need or care if MM will give me his shoulder to cry on if my own relationship falls apart. I do not want MM to divorce or to be with me, or at least I believe I don't at this point. MM has a mind of his own and he would do whatever it deems fit for him and his marriage. Though, it comes to me that with or without MM, my existing relationship is falling apart regardless.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

 

 

Though, it comes to me that with or without MM, my existing relationship is falling apart regardless.

 

And what are you doing to fix it?

[nescafe1982]

In light of these revelations, JS, I think you've really hit the depth of what this forum can do for you.

 

You have two problems we've established:

 

1) You have a relationship of emotional dependency with a married man. Whether it's an "affair" or not, this is a problem because this relationship will endanger his marriage while also stunting your ability to be emotionally available to your SO.

 

2) You have a romance that is fizzling with your current SO, either because of your relationship with MM, or your relationship with MM is prolonging the life of a romantic relationship that needs to die its natural death.

 

I think the following is your best course of action:

 

1) Immediately revise your relationship with MM. Establish appropriate boundaries. This is important no matter what happens with your other relationship. The emotional closeness you have with MM probably feels very good and validating, and is probably very important to you... it's going to hurt to do the right thing. But healthy growth on your part, on MM's part, etc, absolutely depends on it. I woudl suggest going no-contact for a period of time. If you guys are mutually good friends, a period of no-contact isn't going to ruin your friendship. I would NOT suggest you come completely clean with MM about why you need no-contact, though. I would tell him simply "I am thinking about making some big life changes and I need to space to figure myself out with a good therapist. I value you and want to come back to our friendship in the future, but I need you to respect that I'm doing what's best for me." The follow through and get into therapy (see below).

 

2) This pattern is so long-standing, it is hard to know whether your current relationship with SO can (or should) rebound into a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You're looking elsewhere for emotional fulfillment, and he seems to have acclimated to it. You seem to have little conflict, but little intimacy. This is deeply-engrained. And it's hard for me to say what came first: the loss of love within your relationship, or the seeking fulfillment from MM. It's possible that with couples counseling your romance will rebound nicely... and you caught it before a physical affair which makes counseling less complicated. I do think you two (you and SO) will need to solicit professional help in fixing your communication patterns and in assessing whether you both still want this relationship. So counseling is suggestion #2. At the same time, if you suggest counseling and it leads to a break-up, i would recommend counseling for you (as an individual) to help you navigate what comes next, and to find more appropriate ways of befriending the men in your life.

 

I commend you for being willing to take the hard road out of the difficult spot you're in. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck!

Edited August 5, 2013 by nescafe1982

[It-is-what-it-is.]

In light of these revelations, JS, I think you've really hit the depth of what this forum can do for you.

 

You have two problems we've established:

 

1) You have a relationship of emotional dependency with a married man. Whether it's an "affair" or not, this is a problem because this relationship will endanger his marriage while also stunting your ability to be emotionally available to your SO.

 

2) You have a romance that is fizzling with your current SO, either because of your relationship with MM, or your relationship with MM is prolonging the life of a romantic relationship that needs to die its natural death.

 

I think the following is your best course of action:

 

1) Immediately revise your relationship with MM. Establish appropriate boundaries. This is important no matter what happens with your other relationship. The emotional closeness you have with MM probably feels very good and validating, and is probably very important to you... it's going to hurt to do the right thing. But healthy growth on your part, on MM's part, etc, absolutely depends on it. I woudl suggest going no-contact for a period of time. If you guys are mutually good friends, a period of no-contact isn't going to ruin your friendship. I would NOT suggest you come completely clean with MM about why you need no-contact, though. I would tell him simply "I am thinking about making some big life changes and I need to space to figure myself out with a good therapist. I value you and want to come back to our friendship in the future, but I need you to respect that I'm doing what's best for me." The follow through and get into therapy (see below).

 

2) This pattern is so long-standing, it is hard to know whether your current relationship with SO can (or should) rebound into a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You're looking elsewhere for emotional fulfillment, and he seems to have acclimated to it. You seem to have little conflict, but little intimacy. This is deeply-engrained. And it's hard for me to say what came first: the loss of love within your relationship, or the seeking fulfillment from MM. It's possible that with couples counseling your romance will rebound nicely... and you caught it before a physical affair which makes counseling less complicated. I do think you two (you and SO) will need to solicit professional help in fixing your communication patterns and in assessing whether you both still want this relationship. So counseling is suggestion #2. At the same time, if you suggest counseling and it leads to a break-up, i would recommend counseling for you (as an individual) to help you navigate what comes next, and to find more appropriate ways of befriending the men in your life.

 

I commend you for being willing to take the hard road out of the difficult spot you're in. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck!

 

This is exactly what I see too. Very good post.

 

JS, in a way, as an illustration, your MM is your drug. It has changed many things in your life for both good and not good. With the drug effecting your behavior and decision making processes, you don't know the cause and effect.

 

It's possible that the relationship with your SO is salvageable, with some work, if you both want. And that's the question to him, I think...

 

Are you willing to go to couples counseling to help resolve the issues in the relationship?

[Iama]

I have a friend who I am extremely close with, I felt very emotionally attached to him, and we spent a lot of time together. (Coincidentally, we also work together at the same place). Our job is very flexible, so it allows us to spend most of the day together on an everyday basis. We also go out on trips and spend vacation time together. I know he cares deeply for me as well. He is married and I am in a long term relationship. This has gone on for some time already (over 4 yrs).

 

Is this acceptable?

 

No IT IS NOT. Enuogh said.

 

You are opening yourself to the opportunity of building up intimacy with another person. And so is your workmate.

 

I'd see that as cheating more than I'd see "kissing another person" who you weren't that intimate with...

[jennifersmith]

Thank you so much for giving me all these wonderful feedbacks, and I have seriously thought about and followed them.. (Just so you know!).

 

Just to briefly update on what happened afterwards before I head out ...

 

I talked with my SO again and brought up the problems that exist. Aside from MM (which I considered can be controlled), I think we have some serious issues. I told him whatever it is worth telling and he agreed we have some problems. He said he doesn't know how to solve these problems and perhaps both of us are too tired in this relationship to repair it anymore (which I agree). Now we have agreed to just take some time to think how we want to proceed. I have suggested we can go to couples counseling. He doesn't think it is a good idea. Regardless, I think it's good that we take a break from all of these and to give each other time to think.

[2sunny]

Thank you so much for giving me all these wonderful feedbacks, and I have seriously thought about and followed them.. (Just so you know!).

 

Just to briefly update on what happened afterwards before I head out ...

 

I talked with my SO again and brought up the problems that exist. Aside from MM (which I considered can be controlled), I think we have some serious issues. I told him whatever it is worth telling and he agreed we have some problems. He said he doesn't know how to solve these problems and perhaps both of us are too tired in this relationship to repair it anymore (which I agree). Now we have agreed to just take some time to think how we want to proceed. I have suggested we can go to couples counseling. He doesn't think it is a good idea. Regardless, I think it's good that we take a break from all of these and to give each other time to think.

 

It's a start that you both are willing to talk about the issues and discuss whether or not it could work for your future.

 

Keep the communication open - what's best for your M will be revealed with openness and honesty from both of you.

[ssmugg]

JS,

 

You really don't have to make any choices now. You have the option to just continue on, living basically two lives. Seems like your SO and his wife have some knowledge and understanding of what is going on.

 

However, there are risks, as it easily could develop into a physical situation.

 

A few questions you may want answers to:

If the attraction is so strong, why won't your MM leave his wife? What's keep him there?

If the situation with your SO is just fair what is keeping you with him?

 

It's obvious that you and the MM have something certainly more than a casual friendship... you have a romance. And clearly you both care about each other to keep this thing going. If it were me, I'd push strongly for you and your MM separating permanently from your SOs, and then you and the MM can be a real couple and live happily ever after......

 

If that doesn't happen, then you will probably face the risk of a blowup when one of the SOs realizes how truly emotionally you and the MM are attached, and from what it sounds like, his wife.

[jennifersmith]

This thread started out as "Is this cheating?" but it seems like you are aware that it is. So the purpose is really to get justification for your behavior.

 

You decide what kind of life you want and who it will be with.

 

You have an unsatisfactory relationship with your SO and an unsatisfactory relationship with your MM. Two unsatisfactory relationships added together does not equal a positive relationship.

 

You are also attributing your life problems to your relationships rather than sourcing your relationship problems in yourself.

 

Take responsibility for the life you are living. Stop blaming the men you choose to associate with.

 

 

I applaud that you can come up such strong statement based on the post in a forum.... Oh, you must be a psychic.

[jennifersmith]

JS,

 

You really don't have to make any choices now. You have the option to just continue on, living basically two lives. Seems like your SO and his wife have some knowledge and understanding of what is going on.

 

However, there are risks, as it easily could develop into a physical situation.

 

A few questions you may want answers to:

If the attraction is so strong, why won't your MM leave his wife? What's keep him there?

If the situation with your SO is just fair what is keeping you with him?

 

It's obvious that you and the MM have something certainly more than a casual friendship... you have a romance. And clearly you both care about each other to keep this thing going. If it were me, I'd push strongly for you and your MM separating permanently from your SOs, and then you and the MM can be a real couple and live happily ever after......

 

If that doesn't happen, then you will probably face the risk of a blowup when one of the SOs realizes how truly emotionally you and the MM are attached, and from what it sounds like, his wife.

 

I would not mind to go on in this current state, but I would think that is certainly unfair to my SO and also to MM. I think I developed my emotions elsewhere in part because things are not working out between me and my SO, and I choose an easy way to resolve this problem at home. Oddly, I'm not so interested to live "happily ever after" with MM either...

[Realist3]

Then why not find someone you would like to live happily ever after with? What is stopping you?