TheBladeRunner Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 With your first wife, did she appear to be doing everything needed to reconcile, or was it half effort and you knew it while it was going on? Yeah, the visual sucked eggs to say the least . She was good in the beginning of the fake R, but she couldn't keep it together. It got tougher and tougher to get her on the phone and the excuses got dumber and dumber as to why she couldn't be reached. I was working back east when I "got a baaaaaaad feeling". I talked to my room mate and he told me I would never "end it" until I saw it with my own eyes.....and that I did......when I walked into her riding "Dick (Richard was his name)" I promptly walked out. He ran out the back like a pansy. I had the neighbors call the cops because once I "saw it" I knew it was over and I just wanted my stuff. She faked it as best she could because at the time I was supporting her financially.......she did it just to keep the cash flowing in. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 It is broken off with her OM. As far as I know he still tries to contact her, but I get told about it. What is she doing? Last night she said she was going to go to her running group again. I know her OM is still there, but runs with a different group. She knows he'll be there, but wouldn't need to talk to him. I told her that if she wants to go, that was fine. She wasn't ready to totally give him and that lifestyle up so we didn't need to waste anymore time working on reconciling. I think it was a bit of a light-bulb moment because she apologized and said she absolutely wouldn't go. And as for me putting in nothing and her required to put in 150%, I don't subscribe to that reasoning. We encountered marital troubles together. I put in some crap effort and so did she. The infidelity is all her, but if I sit back and do nothing expecting her to put in everything, then we're really just working on the infidelity and not the marriage. I personally think compartmentalizing that too much won't help us repair anything. And as for her not being able to go 100% today, I understand the reasons, even if many her disagree with them. (1) She is in actual mourning for the end of her other relationship. It's crazy that I have to deal with it, but they are real emotions that she is going through and rug sweeping it does neither of us any good. (2) There was a long period of time where I was choosing not to provide her with what she needed. And although she can see the positive changes I've made, she it obviously skeptical if they are real. But I told her that there are no guarantees for both of us. I guess I'm of the mind that I'm only going to get out of this what I put into it, and that's why I'm not afraid to give it my all. If she comes around to the same reasoning, that will be great because it will only be better for us both. If she doesn't, I'm not worried because I think I'm smart enough to see when her commitment level starts decreasing . First bold sentence: I'm glad she didn't go. My second XW had her A via work. Since this was the case I told her that if she was going to R with me, she'd need to cut all ties w/ OM and at least transfer.....she refused so I opted to move out. Second bold: As far as her "mourning" the OM? You're a bigger man than me, if I were in your shoes that would have to be her problem. These days when mine has "man trouble", I tell her to call one of her neeto friends. You'll know as you progress whether she is serious about a R or not, only time and what you see can tell you that. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) Ultimately, RightThere has right to go against our advices, and some of the advice that shared by experts the results of research. There is much reseach that demonstrates that reconciliation is possible if the wife can rust the OM. And indeed, when faced with the choice, RightThere's wife has chose him. Even better, when a"situation" where she might see the OM came up, she brought it to RightThere's attention. As RightThere as already recognized, the research on the abrupt end of an affair involves emotions not any different than a loss - and requires the grieving period. I recommend RightThere take a look at the "Piecing" section forum in the DivorceBusting Forum, and perhaps even begin participating in that type of environment. Recon is often unsuccessful, but with some direction. Thr Divorce Buster's forum has specfic concrete goals and guidance for Recon. That is really what they are all about. It's time to and widen your advice options now. RightThere, and stop defending your decision. Go to DB, it is easy, become a member, and start reading in the "Piecing Forum." And then start your own thread where it is appropriate. I'm going to take Susie's final thought, and wish him luck. Yas Edited February 27, 2014 by Yasuandio 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Yeah, the visual sucked eggs to say the least . She was good in the beginning of the fake R, but she couldn't keep it together. It got tougher and tougher to get her on the phone and the excuses got dumber and dumber as to why she couldn't be reached. I was working back east when I "got a baaaaaaad feeling". I talked to my room mate and he told me I would never "end it" until I saw it with my own eyes.....and that I did......when I walked into her riding "Dick (Richard was his name)" I promptly walked out. He ran out the back like a pansy. I had the neighbors call the cops because once I "saw it" I knew it was over and I just wanted my stuff. She faked it as best she could because at the time I was supporting her financially.......she did it just to keep the cash flowing in. I absolutely agree that this type of experience would change your mind on any recon, especially in the face of her wavering (or I guess I should say withdrawing). But you gotta do what ya gotta do. If you are going to do it - go textbook with the expert: Michelle Weiner Davis. Then you will know you have done everything you could. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 If you are going to do it - go textbook with the expert: Michelle Weiner Davis. Then you will know you have done everything you could. Yas Reading her book as we speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 She was good in the beginning of the fake R, but she couldn't keep it together. It got tougher and tougher to get her on the phone and the excuses got dumber and dumber as to why she couldn't be reached. This was something I definitely learned from from prior to D-Day. She would say she was going grocery shopping or some other errand, and it would take waaaay longer than I thought it should. I just never said anything because I didn't even consider the thought she was adding screwing her OM to the grocery list. She faked it as best she could because at the time I was supporting her financially.......she did it just to keep the cash flowing in. Although I don't think this is a factor right now, it is something I do consider just because I need to keep my mind open to anything. She works full time and is coming away from the separation probably better off than me financially. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 I recommend RightThere take a look at the "Piecing" section forum in the DivorceBusting Forum, and perhaps even begin participating in that type of environment. Recon is often unsuccessful, but with some direction. Thr Divorce Buster's forum has specfic concrete goals and guidance for Recon. That is really what they are all about. It's time to and widen your advice options now. RightThere, and stop defending your decision. Go to DB, it is easy, become a member, and start reading in the "Piecing Forum." And then start your own thread where it is appropriate. Signed up and checked it out. Thanks. And I hope it's not coming across as "defending". I appreciate all the advice, especially ones contrary to my own thoughts. I just respond so that anyone still following this mess knows where my headspace is at. I know I would not have the personal growth I've had this far without all the advice and opinions I've been getting because I choose to process each one. And to be honest, we're not in reconciliation yet. I recognize that because even though I'm all in, she is not (yet). She continues to increase her commitment, but we're nowhere near real reconciliation until we are both fully committed to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) No lies from me. I promised that this would be my journal and I can't skip out on the parts that are hard. Last night I was sitting with my STBXW and she basically blurted out that she slept with her OM that afternoon. It was a confession, and she felt guilty, and had to tell me. He contact her, they went for lunch. But her reasons were that this marked the end for her. She knew it was a mistake and she was done with not only him, but this kind of activity and behavior. And knowing what she knows now, she asked me to forgive her for this mistake and is 100% committed to fixing us. I am just an utter fool. I've been preaching all week as to what I would do if and when she regressed. I even told her multiple times where she did say or do things and I told her that we should forget each other and go our separate ways. But last night I just froze. I was just in such shock. I felt like I left my body and was watching myself sit there. I couldn't communicate anything to her. I wanted to say "Get the hell out" and "I forgive you" all at once. I'm just back to the first stage of after D-Day. I'm numb. Totally hollow inside. I've disappointed all of you, and I'm sorry. I thought I knew who I was, and now I feel like a total stranger in my own body. I am far more broken than I realized. I know that I am because not only have I continued to allow myself to love and believe that she could change, I couldn't do what should have been done last night when it mattered. Thank you to everyone who has helped me reach this far in my journey. I need to take a break from posting here for a while. I know if I was reading this story I couldn't bear to watch this train wreck anymore. I love you all. Edited February 28, 2014 by RightThere Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) Mistake? Don't hand out forgiveness so fast. Janus Abrams refers to a certain type called "Cheap Forgiveness," which really accomplishes nothing. [see Abrams types of Forgiveness in Pinned thread or my signature line]. Anyone here I'm sure understands your conundrum. I'm so very sorry. We are still here to help in any way you may need us. Yas Edited February 28, 2014 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I'm sorry Dude, I think you know what you have to do. You tried and we kind of all knew what would probably happen. Just go back and re read how well you were doing. It will turn out that way again for you. You just took a few steps backwards. Reflect on all the positives that you accomplished before she returned into your life. Like me, you are better off without her. I actually prefer being by myself or hanging out with friends. Try and have a good weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 She knew it was a mistake and she was done with not only him, but this kind of activity and behavior. And knowing what she knows now, she asked me to forgive her for this mistake and is 100% committed to fixing us. she's lying... Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMcClaine Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 she's lying... He won't listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 He won't listen. It's ok. RT doesn't need to Listen. He just needs to feel the pain and process the grief. People do it in their own time. Sometimes never. The road he walks is his choice. We can just be here for him. Y 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 Think you need to keep posting, honestly doesn't matter what anyone thinks... This is part of the process of getting your eyes wide open...you have to see everything to take the next step. What she has done is wrong on so many levels no matter how she wants to paint it. Keep posting... X Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 If this is what you have to do, do it my friend. I had to do the same thing; it wasn't done until I said it was done to myself. Hang in there, the decisions you are struggling to make will come in their own time, at the right time. I don't know EXACTLY what's going through your head, but I have an idea as I struggled the first time with it and the second time as well. Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. It's easy for anyone to say "dump her", but the fact is that it's YOUR life and YOU need to be OK with whatever you choose. All what I call my REAL friends said the same thing: "No matter what YOU decide to do, I'll support you". Not only are they real friends that say that, it makes them decent human beings as well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 If this is what you have to do, do it my friend. I had to do the same thing; it wasn't done until I said it was done to myself. Hang in there, the decisions you are struggling to make will come in their own time, at the right time. I don't know EXACTLY what's going through your head, but I have an idea as I struggled the first time with it and the second time as well. Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. It's easy for anyone to say "dump her", but the fact is that it's YOUR life and YOU need to be OK with whatever you choose. All what I call my REAL friends said the same thing: "No matter what YOU decide to do, I'll support you". Not only are they real friends that say that, it makes them decent human beings as well. Agree totally Don't forget you are not to blame here either.... Hope your ok SS x Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 So she just gifted you evidence that she is still willing to just go and screw other men... And you didn't say/do anything different? Get help man. There's a boundary you need to find! Say what you think/feel! Try this! "That hurts me now get the hell out of my life because you intentionally keep hurting me!!!" "I'm not willing to allow it any longer!" Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 I think he will run away so he doesn't have to deal with our opinions. Married 8 years and she'\s been banging at least 3 other men while married to him. She can go bang a guy at lunch, tell him she's sorry and he will stay with her so he can tell the world that he won because he's still married to this prize. Come on, get mad, no counselling is going to help you with her. The only thing that will help you with her is to ask her for your balls back. This will be your life with her, same sh*t over and over again, just like Ground Hog Day. Why is it we can get mad for you yet you act like a little boy who has been told to go sit in the corner. Even as I write this response I have a vision of me(as you) throwing her suitcase at her as she is brushing herself off after the flight she took off your front steps. Being divorced is way better than this and your not risking your health to boot. I am sorry for the attack but what else do you expect from us when you keep allowing this to happen. Somethings got to change because it's not working. You can't allow the same thing to happen over and over again and expect a different result. You can end this right now, not tomorrow, not next week but right now. The relief of making the decision will take such a weight off your shoulders. Time to pull the plug, seriously, it's time. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 She told you because she knows she can treat you like crap and you'll just keep staying married to her. She's rubbed her dirty shoes in your face before and you never wiped off the filth. In fact, you keep sitting still begging for her to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 I think he will run away so he doesn't have to deal with our opinions. I thought about that after I posted and realized I was really wanting to take a break to avoid the barrage. I won't hide. I'll take what I've got coming to me. Married 8 years and she'\s been banging at least 3 other men while married to him. Just for the record, it was 5 other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
joanofark Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Just out of curiosity, RightThere, have you gone back in this thread and read only your posts? You said you wanted this to be a personal log. Maybe you should read it a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Don't forget you are not to blame here either.... No, I don't feel as though I have any blame in this latest episode. Although I am stretching every ounce of my mind to try and understand what she was actually thinking when it came to my reaction. She honestly thought that I wasn't going to be hurt by this. She thought we both hadn't committed fully to anything, and that I would understand this was the last part of her "ending it" with her OM. I always want to make sure I see situations from being in the other person's shoes, but here I'm at a total loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Just out of curiosity, RightThere, have you gone back in this thread and read only your posts? You said you wanted this to be a personal log. Maybe you should read it a few times. I actually spent the weekend doing just that. It was good to re-read it and remember the emotions that I was going through at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RightThere Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Being divorced is way better than this and your not risking your health to boot. I am sorry for the attack but what else do you expect from us when you keep allowing this to happen. Somethings got to change because it's not working. You can't allow the same thing to happen over and over again and expect a different result. You can end this right now, not tomorrow, not next week but right now. The relief of making the decision will take such a weight off your shoulders. Time to pull the plug, seriously, it's time. I'll be honest and say I'm not sure where my reluctance comes from. I have my suspicions, but I know it's not a fear of divorce or being alone. I basically was divorced and alone and was totally fine with it. There is a whole list of excuses as to why she is the way that she is and why she does what she does. The objective part of me looks at them and thinks "that is your own bucket of crap you need to deal with. That shouldn't affect how you treat me." The other part of me sees those things from her past that have affected her. I just use them to try and understand. Not justify, but at least understand thought process. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) It's gotten to the point that you've admitted she can treat you any way she wants - and you will find it acceptable. There's no way we can convince you to respect, regard and honor yourself when you're not willing to find certain things that she's done perfectly UNACCEPTABLE. Keep moving YOUR boundary = she will treat you even more poorly. Be ready - she will hurt you MORE = because you ALLOW IT. Watch = she'll be pregnant and get you to support her BF's child - just wait, it will happen. Edited March 4, 2014 by 2sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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