TheBladeRunner Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I've noticed the past two weeks I have not been sleeping well at all. I have my suspicions about what is causing me to be so restless, but I think they are things I'm not quite ready to confront. Let us have it RT, maybe we can help. If not, I get it. When I battled my demons (plural), I had to battle them one at a time so I wouldn't overwhelm myself. They say to choose your battles wisely, when it comes to choosing to confront your own issues I feel we need to be even wiser.
Author RightThere Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Let us have it RT, maybe we can help. If not, I get it. When I battled my demons (plural), I had to battle them one at a time so I wouldn't overwhelm myself. They say to choose your battles wisely, when it comes to choosing to confront your own issues I feel we need to be even wiser. It's not a "new" thing. Just confronting my thoughts deep down on reconciliation. Right now I'm just doing, not thinking. Pushing forward on completing the separation. My concern is if I really dig deep into it, it will do more harm than good at this point. Not only for my mental state, but for what I'm doing around me. 1
dumped2013 Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 I can't sleep without taking Unisom sleeping pills. The grocery store sells their own off brand. Without them my mind wonders too much.
2sunny Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 If she hasn't outright asked to get back together and taken steps to make sure it happens - then it's safe to say she's just done. Why a separation? Why not divorce so you can be free to start living your life as an available man?
Author RightThere Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Why a separation? Why not divorce so you can be free to start living your life as an available man? Laws where I am. Have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce. If she hasn't outright asked to get back together and taken steps to make sure it happens - then it's safe to say she's just done. In truth, she's ended an actual relationship. There is normal grieving that goes along with it. Not that it's fair or right, but it is part of a break up.
Author RightThere Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 I can't sleep without taking Unisom sleeping pills. The grocery store sells their own off brand. Without them my mind wonders too much. I did some for a little while, but I don't find I get good sleep. I don't have too much of a problem getting to sleep. I'm struggling right now with staying sleep and getting good prolonged sleep. Any medication I've tried just gets me to sleep, but doesn't sustain sleep. And it's a bit of a personal decision right now. I don't want to medicate and I don't feel I'm at the point where it's a big issue. I get enough rest, just not the desired amount. And it's a bit of the way I'm wired as well. I like to analyse the crap out of anything and everything. Helps me to understand things better. Of course, it's not a good thing in a situation like this where it's not really based on logic and reason.
TheBladeRunner Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It's not a "new" thing. Just confronting my thoughts deep down on reconciliation. Right now I'm just doing, not thinking. Pushing forward on completing the separation. I get it, I went through the same thing a little sooner after DDay than you did. I know how hard it is when you look back at all the good things, how life was at one time, and the fact you guys have a child together. When I considered R-ing I walked down memory lane myself. I didn't see this coming so in my mind things were pretty good.....I guess not so much for my XW as she had several A's. Around Christmas of 2012 I had been separated for about 4 months (both of us thinking R). I was on Facebook and I saw a comment on a photo of my daughter from a guy that she was with before me. This ended any thoughts of a R all together for me. Either you will have a similar experience or she'll get on-board.
Author RightThere Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 Around Christmas of 2012 I had been separated for about 4 months (both of us thinking R). I was on Facebook and I saw a comment on a photo of my daughter from a guy that she was with before me. This ended any thoughts of a R all together for me. Either you will have a similar experience or she'll get on-board. When we were full into separation mode, I put a stop to all those things from her OM pretty quick. She was good about it and made him disappear from any shares social media. I get it, I went through the same thing a little sooner after DDay than you did. I know how hard it is when you look back at all the good things, how life was at one time, and the fact you guys have a child together. When I considered R-ing I walked down memory lane myself. I didn't see this coming so in my mind things were pretty good.....I guess not so much for my XW as she had several A's. It's a bit rough right now. We've done a couple of family activities together for our daughter and they've gone fairly well. I learned I needed to keep them to a couple hours max, otherwise I start to trigger about things. We did one day activity a few months back and it was way too long for my STBXW and I to be together (she was still with her OM at the time, but had started looking for her own place). One thing she mentioned in her message to me today when she let me know she broke it off with her other man. She mentioned "we may stay friends or at least friendly with each other." I didn't bring it up because I know it's not a good time for her right now, but my thought was if we're even going to consider going down reconciliation road, there is no way you will be at all in communication with this bozo. I'm fairly certain there is no way they can remain friendly as he's already talked pretty badly about her behind her back. But even still, that would be a dealbreaker for me for so many reasons. I think her needing space and me obliging will be good for both of us. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted February 20, 2014 Posted February 20, 2014 It's a bit rough right now. We've done a couple of family activities together for our daughter and they've gone fairly well. I learned I needed to keep them to a couple hours max, otherwise I start to trigger about things. We did one day activity a few months back and it was way too long for my STBXW and I to be together (she was still with her OM at the time, but had started looking for her own place). You're a bigger man than me. I tried that "family" outing thing early on and it did not and still does not work. Not only did I trigger, but my XW is a classic jellyfish parent and I despise seeing my daughter interact with her (her mom is her doormat). I am glad we keep it separate, I think it has helped stave off some of the "why don't you and mommy get back together" stuff with my daughter. It was hard in the beginning, but in the end things are much better as they are: completely separate.
Author RightThere Posted February 20, 2014 Author Posted February 20, 2014 You're a bigger man than me. I tried that "family" outing thing early on and it did not and still does not work. Not only did I trigger, but my XW is a classic jellyfish parent and I despise seeing my daughter interact with her (her mom is her doormat). I am glad we keep it separate, I think it has helped stave off some of the "why don't you and mommy get back together" stuff with my daughter. It was hard in the beginning, but in the end things are much better as they are: completely separate. Probably one of the harder reasons I struggle with us separating. We are amazing parents. Since day one, we do not undermine each other and our daughter knows that if one of us says something, the other will back us up. My STBXW comes from a very broken and dysfunctional home, so our daughter have a good relationship with both her mom and dad is something she makes a priority. The "why don't you and mommy live together" was fairly short lived with our daughter. It was confusing at first, but she's gotten used to it pretty quick. Now I think she actually tries to use it against me when she's not getting her way (a very devious four year old I have). It's my STBXW that pushes for the together family activities. I don't believe it was initially for good interaction with her and I, just all for our daughter's sake. Which means I've been having to suck it up a lot while she was still with her OM. We should find ourselves in a fairly perfect storm right now. My STBXW will bottle up her real feelings and not want to discuss much. I will be respecting her wishes for space so I'll have little actual interaction with her outside of co-parenting. My guess is reconciliation may die on the floor anyways.
Author RightThere Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 Meh. I may as well stop beating around the bush and be honest with you guys. I would consider reconciliation with my STBXW. Obviously there would be a number of things I would demand and if she wouldn't accept them, then we would continue with the divorce. But I would work on being able to forgive her, and would want to work on rebuilding a new marriage. And I have know this about myself for a while. I just don't like to admit it because it seems totally wrong that if I were looking at this situation from the outside, there is no reason to think that the relationship should or could be repaired. 1
health Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 RightThere - I'm sorry, but do you have self esteem issues? This woman is trampling over you. Are you afraid of being alone? I'm not married or have kids so I don't know about the higher reaches where you're at. Plus the lawyer I work for says it's best to save the marriage always. But this doesn't sound like love to me. I left my ex 5 years ago. I'd rather be alone than deal with a girl who doesn't love me cause why? It's the same as being alone! There's no respect. What do you do outside the family? What is your "gift" or purpose in life? I would take your energy and focus on that and your legacy. You deserve more than this. I know it's hard even after divorce, but damn. You need a great woman who will love you for you!
Author RightThere Posted February 21, 2014 Author Posted February 21, 2014 RightThere - I'm sorry, but do you have self esteem issues? This woman is trampling over you. Are you afraid of being alone? Over the last few months I've definitely come to the realization that I am not afraid to be alone. I think everyone has a certain amount of uncomfortableness in their own skin, but I don't believe I have self esteem issues. I just find it boils down to the fact that I still love my STBXW. However I totally understand what I need to be in a relationship with her, and if I cannot get that, then I will be just fine alone. What do you do outside the family? What is your "gift" or purpose in life? I would take your energy and focus on that and your legacy. I don't really look at my life that profoundly. I'm just trying to be the best person I can be each day. Make positive impacts, even small. it people's lives everyday. And do things for myself. You need a great woman who will love you for you! I'm fairly confident that I won't be getting into another serious relationship if (and possibly when) things end with my STBXW.
health Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 Over the last few months I've definitely come to the realization that I am not afraid to be alone. I think everyone has a certain amount of uncomfortableness in their own skin, but I don't believe I have self esteem issues. I just find it boils down to the fact that I still love my STBXW. However I totally understand what I need to be in a relationship with her, and if I cannot get that, then I will be just fine alone. I don't really look at my life that profoundly. I'm just trying to be the best person I can be each day. Make positive impacts, even small. it people's lives everyday. And do things for myself. I'm fairly confident that I won't be getting into another serious relationship if (and possibly when) things end with my STBXW. Okay, that's good you view singleness as an alternative lifestyle. And I agree about that uncomfort of being alone - which I feel can be empowering and motivating. Sure you can love your ex wife, but you need love to! There are women out there who cherish their men! 50/50 a healthy relationship! You don't look at your life that prodoundly? That's fine, alot of people don't wither people live mediocre or great live with great impact - and I get a sense you ARE a great person and are capable of way more than you even think! This can be a wake up call for a new life for yourself! If you feel you won't get into another ling term because of this crap your ex put you through then you lost - you are the real source of love and respect! Don't let the opposite affect you and stop your dreams! Take a break, and evaluate things. It's on you - but its the rest of your life. I just want you to be happy and respected! You deserve it!!!
Author RightThere Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Just an update for everyone. My STBXW and I have been discussing reconciliation. We're spending time together as a family and it's actually been nice. She still has some walls up with respect to getting fully committed to us getting back together. I've told her I understand that as it's been only a week or so since she totally broke it off with her OM. That may be hard to understand for people, but I've realized that was the end of an actual relationship for her. There is some mourning for what was, but she definitely talks to me about how she made awful decisions and hurt people. I've been very clear with her that in order for reconciliation to work between us, she has to end contact with her OM. He still wants to "be friends" and I told her we won't be able to reconcile if she decides to share her thoughts and concerns with someone other than me. She agrees and whenever he contacts her, she lets me know. However I've also stopped checking her phone and emails. I've told her this and it is not only because it doesn't help me move on, I know there are other ways for her to contact him if she really wanted to. And I've told her outright that if she wants to be friends with him, that is fine. We just won't waste any time reconciling then. Still going through with the formal separation agreement but we've still got a while before we can actually file for divorce. Everything is day by day. This can end tomorrow and I will be totally at peace. But I can tell she is very vulnerable. Not only because she is confused about who I really am now with all the personal growth I've done (is it real or temporary) but also with herself and the bad things she's done. I can tell she is getting perspective from leaving the fog. I've been upfront with her and said if she needs time alone, take it. I also sent her OM a message. He still tries to contact my STBXW fairly regularly and she tells me. But I basically told him I expect him to disappear. No contacting my STBXW at all. If she contact him, that is her choice. No response however. I shouldn't be, but I get a little surprised at what little snakes these other guys are. They hide in the weeds and manage to tell women everything they want to hear. But when they are actually required to stand up and have a spine, they slink away back into the weeds. Obviously not the textbook approach to the situation, but that is where I'm at today.
Author RightThere Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 *facepalm* You are probably right. But I only learn by doing. Even though this could turn into a situation of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," I'm OK with that. I'm just not afraid anymore. Of any of it. Good or bad. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I understand why you want to give it a try, no regrets...you won't know until you try. I hope it works out... Me there was a line it was crossed by one giant step... No turning back, just forward All the best SS x 1
TheBladeRunner Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You are probably right. But I only learn by doing. Even though this could turn into a situation of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me," I'm OK with that. I'm just not afraid anymore. Of any of it. Good or bad. Amen! I had to do the same thing with my first W (we had a "fake R"). She was an utter tramp. I tried and tried, and tried and in the end I came home early from being out of town to surprise her and the REAL surprise was walking in on her and a guy I knew getting it on.........I had to see it for myself/learn by doing. If that's what you need to do RT to fix it OR end it, do what you have to. I had to do the same thing. This last go round'.....well.......that was different. Having an A was the one thing I asked her to never do....and well.....you know the rest. Although I am biased by the other posters telling you she may be bad news, I get why you're doing it. 1
2sunny Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 What really hard effort is your wife putting into reconciling? And if she's not breaking it completely off with her OM - there's no way to reconcile. I know you know that. But your actions prove or disprove renconciling. You either put up with her giving 50% effort while you give 150% - or you show her that you give it nothing while she makes effort to do her 150% at this point. IF you reconcile - it will take at least 150% effort on her part. If she isn't showing that effort - there's no use wasting your time and energy.
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I understand why you want to give it a try, no regrets...you won't know until you try. I hope it works out... Me there was a line it was crossed by one giant step... No turning back, just forward All the best SS x I thought for a long time that was my "line" that couldn't be crossed as well. But having been there, I had to look at myself and ask why it happened. I don't accept the responsibility of her choosing to have her affairs, but I had to look at what I did to make her feel isolated and looking for it. I've read that some men really regret staying with their wives after infidelity. They try to keep them initially as an almost primal motive (this belongs to me, I want it). So I'm fully aware that how I feel today may not be the same in the future.
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Amen! I had to do the same thing with my first W (we had a "fake R"). She was an utter tramp. I tried and tried, and tried and in the end I came home early from being out of town to surprise her and the REAL surprise was walking in on her and a guy I knew getting it on.........I had to see it for myself/learn by doing. If that's what you need to do RT to fix it OR end it, do what you have to. I had to do the same thing. This last go round'.....well.......that was different. Having an A was the one thing I asked her to never do....and well.....you know the rest. Although I am biased by the other posters telling you she may be bad news, I get why you're doing it. Wow. I couldn't even imagine having to deal with an actual visual of it. Reading her emails have given me mental pictures I know I'll have to deal with forever, but that I don't know if I could handle. Good on you. With your first wife, did she appear to be doing everything needed to reconcile, or was it half effort and you knew it while it was going on? I know that our first short attempt at reconciliation was doomed now because nothing changed for her. Although she had stopped sleeping with him, she was still doing all kinds of other activities and having the same lifestyle. I was putting in the effort to repair us, but the other man was putting in his own efforts as well to sabotage it. 1
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 What really hard effort is your wife putting into reconciling? And if she's not breaking it completely off with her OM - there's no way to reconcile. I know you know that. But your actions prove or disprove renconciling. You either put up with her giving 50% effort while you give 150% - or you show her that you give it nothing while she makes effort to do her 150% at this point. IF you reconcile - it will take at least 150% effort on her part. If she isn't showing that effort - there's no use wasting your time and energy. It is broken off with her OM. As far as I know he still tries to contact her, but I get told about it. What is she doing? Last night she said she was going to go to her running group again. I know her OM is still there, but runs with a different group. She knows he'll be there, but wouldn't need to talk to him. I told her that if she wants to go, that was fine. She wasn't ready to totally give him and that lifestyle up so we didn't need to waste anymore time working on reconciling. I think it was a bit of a light-bulb moment because she apologized and said she absolutely wouldn't go. And as for me putting in nothing and her required to put in 150%, I don't subscribe to that reasoning. We encountered marital troubles together. I put in some crap effort and so did she. The infidelity is all her, but if I sit back and do nothing expecting her to put in everything, then we're really just working on the infidelity and not the marriage. I personally think compartmentalizing that too much won't help us repair anything. And as for her not being able to go 100% today, I understand the reasons, even if many her disagree with them. (1) She is in actual mourning for the end of her other relationship. It's crazy that I have to deal with it, but they are real emotions that she is going through and rug sweeping it does neither of us any good. (2) There was a long period of time where I was choosing not to provide her with what she needed. And although she can see the positive changes I've made, she it obviously skeptical if they are real. But I told her that there are no guarantees for both of us. I guess I'm of the mind that I'm only going to get out of this what I put into it, and that's why I'm not afraid to give it my all. If she comes around to the same reasoning, that will be great because it will only be better for us both. If she doesn't, I'm not worried because I think I'm smart enough to see when her commitment level starts decreasing .
Shocked Suzie Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I thought for a long time that was my "line" that couldn't be crossed as well. But having been there, I had to look at myself and ask why it happened. I don't accept the responsibility of her choosing to have her affairs, but I had to look at what I did to make her feel isolated and looking for it. I've read that some men really regret staying with their wives after infidelity. They try to keep them initially as an almost primal motive (this belongs to me, I want it). So I'm fully aware that how I feel today may not be the same in the future. Of course it takes two to tango, my ex has not only stuffed me around with infidelity/emotionally but financially too... More importantly he has been totally thoughtless with regards to my children. I would/did try to suggest us work on 'us' he wanted another path and seems happy with it...even if it meant dropping EVERYTHING... He has thought nothing but himself, not someone I want in my life in any form, not when a father can dump his kids the way he has. We detached pretty quickly after the affair came out... Quite sad really All the best, I truly hope it works out for you guys SS x
Author RightThere Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Of course it takes two to tango, my ex has not only stuffed me around with infidelity/emotionally but financially too... More importantly he has been totally thoughtless with regards to my children. I would/did try to suggest us work on 'us' he wanted another path and seems happy with it...even if it meant dropping EVERYTHING... He has thought nothing but himself, not someone I want in my life in any form, not when a father can dump his kids the way he has. We detached pretty quickly after the affair came out... Quite sad really All the best, I truly hope it works out for you guys SS x Thanks. It's really a struggle for me because outside of the infidelity, she was not a terrible person or wife. We were both very active in our daughter's life. Aside from towards the end of our marriage, she treated me quite well and we did have a lot of fun together. Even when we were committed to separating, we both (for the most part) were putting our daughter first and making sure the other had time with her. I can see both the good and the bad in her. I can't look at one and not remember the other. If she was a lot more good or a lot more bad, it would probably make things simpler.
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