Here goes

[RightThere]

As to the communication, nothing wrong with going and tucking your child in, but you didn't owe your stbx any concern whether she had things under control. She wants to live outside of a marriage fine, she will learn to take care of things herself, your only concern is your child. Simply put, when she makes things about herself and not about your daughter......go silent. I would have simply answered her with "it's obvious you had it under control, thanks for thinking of me to let me come tuck DD in, goodnight". There are shuttle ways to get the message across so you can feel more in control of your reactions to her manipulation. It's a process, but you will get there.

 

That is awesome advice. I think that is something I've gotten away from is the positive responses. I've been too negative and allowing myself to get dragged into the "woe is me" stuff that plagued out marriage.

 

I need to get back to just the positive responses and not be silently confrontational. If I want to tell her how much I hate her, I'll just tell her how she's doing a good job.

[TheBladeRunner]

I think I need to find a better way to manage myself during my weeks without my daughter. When I have her, my life feels full and busy. When she's not here, I feel like I've got too much free time to stew.

 

I need to find some good personal exercises to let go of all this resentment I feel towards my STBXW.

 

I have this same issue still and I have been out of the house for 18 months. I am just now starting to be more constructive with my spare time. It's hard to do. I get the anger as well, the tough one these days is my daughter is asking more and more why mom and dad are not together.

[RightThere]

I have this same issue still and I have been out of the house for 18 months. I am just now starting to be more constructive with my spare time. It's hard to do. I get the anger as well, the tough one these days is my daughter is asking more and more why mom and dad are not together.

 

Yeah. I constantly get the "why don't you and mom want to live together anymore?" I just tell her that mom and I were fighting too much, but we both love her very much. It's hard to gauge how much she's actually affected right now because she seems to forget about it shortly after talking about it. But I'm sure that comes with being 4.

 

The stuff that really sets me off is when my daughter wants to take some of her toys from my place to her mom's so she "can play them with other guy". I won't engage it saying how much I hate that piece of crap, but I definitely give her the impression I don't like him. Not sure how I should be handling that.

 

I don't fear for my daughter's safety or anything, but he's a bit too intense and not someone I consider upstanding. As much as he tells my STBXW otherwise, I know he would be much happier if I were out of the picture and he could build his new family.

 

Doing other things helps with the anger. As well I just need to focus on the positive again. Too much negative is eating me up.

[RightThere]

Alright. After re-reading the 180, I've started to calm down and not let myself get so consumed with anger. I've been acting pretty cold to my STBXW which although she deserves, it's not helping the situation. So it's back to just thinking and acting positive.

 

The STBXW has a sweet deal on a gym membership so she promised to renew me on it so I could get another year of really cheap gym membership fees. It runs out the end of the month, and she's been avoiding answering me if it's been renewed or not.

 

Instead of getting petty about it, I just politely ask if she's still planning to renew it for me or not. If not, I just need to know so I can make other plans.

 

The irony is that she has been pestering me because I've got some inside tracks on a couple other good deals that she wants to take advantage of. And I've been responding positively. I can't say if she'll give me the screw job or not, but I won't let it consume me.

 

This new relationship with the STBXW is quite a work in progress. I can't cut her totally out because of our daughter. But I can't treat her as a friend because she does not deserve it.

[RightThere]

Woah.

 

Alright. I did that thing that I'm not supposed to do, but it would appear my STBXW and her new man are in a bit of a rough patch and are planning on going to counselling.

 

Now overall I think

(1) that it's hilarious. I saw this coming a mile away but I am actually a bit surprised how quick it came off the rails for two people sooo in love. But as for

 

(2) the further off the rails this goes, I'm sure I'll be getting to sob story from the STBXW. Deep deep (way deep) down I know my feelings for her aren't dead yet. Hopefully that just means that I care for her well being, but I know I need to keep her out of my new life, and get this divorce done. I will not entertain any kind of reconciliation at this time. I won't say never, but there will be a six month period of an automatic "NO" response.

 

I am very happy with the progress I've made with myself and I need an extended period of time with just myself to continue to be better.

[RightThere]

Son of a.....

 

Just got the phone call. "Would it be OK if *daughter* and I stay at your place this weekend?"

 

I'm going away for the weekend, back Sunday. Obviously I said yes, but follow it up with "Is everything OK?" Because I don't know the details, I just told her I only care the she and daughter are safe.

 

When I get back, daughter is with me for a week, so no real issues there. I'm sure my STBXW won't stay while I'm there so she can go back to her mess on her own.

 

Play it by ear, but I specifically told my STBXW that other guy is not to come around at all. She agreed but who knows. Beyond that, I really don't give a #$%&. I know what I'm doing and need to do.

[Yasuandio]

That's a weird situation, man. Y

[TheBladeRunner]

Woah.

 

Alright. I did that thing that I'm not supposed to do, but it would appear my STBXW and her new man are in a bit of a rough patch and are planning on going to counselling.

 

Now overall I think

(1) that it's hilarious. I saw this coming a mile away but I am actually a bit surprised how quick it came off the rails for two people sooo in love. But as for

 

(2) the further off the rails this goes, I'm sure I'll be getting to sob story from the STBXW. Deep deep (way deep) down I know my feelings for her aren't dead yet. Hopefully that just means that I care for her well being, but I know I need to keep her out of my new life, and get this divorce done. I will not entertain any kind of reconciliation at this time. I won't say never, but there will be a six month period of an automatic "NO" response.

 

I am very happy with the progress I've made with myself and I need an extended period of time with just myself to continue to be better.

 

She isn't even divorced yet......and she and prince charming are going to counceling??????? WTF Batman! She is getting what she deserves IMO. RT, you are a good dude, even if you do R with I would support you, but I will say it may not be in your best interest IMO. You have come so far brother, hang tough and keep on keepin' on!

[RightThere]

She isn't even divorced yet......and she and prince charming are going to counceling??????? WTF Batman! She is getting what she deserves IMO. RT, you are a good dude, even if you do R with I would support you, but I will say it may not be in your best interest IMO. You have come so far brother, hang tough and keep on keepin' on!

 

I married her for a reason, but I am divorcing her for a reason.

 

Six months. Immediate "NO" to any kind of reconciliation talks. I've come too far and done way too much personal discovery to fall back into any old or bad habits. She has done none.

 

I am just so pleased that it's falling apart without me doing anything to interfere. I know he would love to try and pin their struggles on something I was doing or saying, but I've been nothing but supportive of their true love.

 

But yeah, she deserves all of it.

[TheBladeRunner]

I am just so pleased that it's falling apart without me doing anything to interfere. I know he would love to try and pin their struggles on something I was doing or saying, but I've been nothing but supportive of their true love.

 

But yeah, she deserves all of it.

 

See the bold....keep it that way, here's why: Eventually her dreamy, fairy tale romance will wind up in the toilet. When it does she will come crying to you, you NEED to listen, but not participate. By the time she is done, you may not be able to keep a straight face....trust me.

 

I will never forget how vindicating it was when my XW broke down on me when her dreamy, D-bag of an OM broke it off with her 2 weeks after DDay. I lost it when she told me why. It was a ridiculous reason. I had to LMAO because she trashed her family for a guy that wouldn't even commit....what a dolt! You'll get the same garbage I bet. You are doing an awesome job on yourself, keep it up. I am literally 1 year ahead of you, my DDay was in Aug of 2012. I was nowhere near where you are now at this point; kudos my friend!

[trippi1432]

You're on the right track RightThere....you want to be far away from it falling apart so they have to look at what it really was to begin with. And even then....you want to steer clear for a bit too because when they are falling apart, it's easy for the weaker one to fall to something else...the easy place to fall.

[RightThere]

What a gong show.

 

So my STBXW spent the weekend at our house with our daughter because I was out of town. Got back and I noticed she had left a few items here and there. I didn't say anything but it was curious.

 

Sent her a message that I'd set up another meeting with our mediator to try and get the separation agreement wrapped up. She said she needed to push it off for a bit, but also asked if she could still buy me out of our place.

 

I told her no, but she wouldn't be able to afford it on her own anyways. Not sure where she's at with her boyfriend, but sounds like it's a little rocky right now.

 

I have no idea where she wants to go with this separation now. I think she's dragging it out because she may be getting advice to go for more money from me. I'll be patient for now, but if it starts to get silly, I'll have no choice but to go legal on her.

 

I think it's just because she has so much turmoil going on in her life right now that she can't make a decision to save her life. I don't want this to drag out, but I also don't want to waste a bunch of money going legal if I can avoid it.

[Misadventure]

Stand your ground RT, which you are.

[dumped2013]

MissA,

Glad to see you are still around. Any new developments?

[TheBladeRunner]

What a gong show.

 

So my STBXW spent the weekend at our house with our daughter because I was out of town. Got back and I noticed she had left a few items here and there. I didn't say anything but it was curious.

 

Sent her a message that I'd set up another meeting with our mediator to try and get the separation agreement wrapped up. She said she needed to push it off for a bit, but also asked if she could still buy me out of our place.

 

I told her no, but she wouldn't be able to afford it on her own anyways. Not sure where she's at with her boyfriend, but sounds like it's a little rocky right now.

 

I have no idea where she wants to go with this separation now. I think she's dragging it out because she may be getting advice to go for more money from me. I'll be patient for now, but if it starts to get silly, I'll have no choice but to go legal on her.

 

I think it's just because she has so much turmoil going on in her life right now that she can't make a decision to save her life. I don't want this to drag out, but I also don't want to waste a bunch of money going legal if I can avoid it.

 

Suggestion: DON'T let her stay there anymore....you don't need the added BS of her taking that stroll down memory lane. I'm sure she thinks of how great things were at one time; I've read your thread and all I would say to her is "sorry...it's too late". You are more than likely correct in assuming why she is "sand bagging" the mediation. Her dream man is probably NOT working out and her life is an utter disaster, not your problem my friend. Hang in there, it'll be done before you know it.

[RightThere]

Suggestion: DON'T let her stay there anymore....you don't need the added BS of her taking that stroll down memory lane. I'm sure she thinks of how great things were at one time; I've read your thread and all I would say to her is "sorry...it's too late". You are more than likely correct in assuming why she is "sand bagging" the mediation. Her dream man is probably NOT working out and her life is an utter disaster, not your problem my friend. Hang in there, it'll be done before you know it.

 

I totally agree. Once she sent me the message that she wanted to buy our place, I knew I had made a mistake letting her stay there. I think it is much more to do with liking our house as opposed to considering any kind of reconciliation.

 

She's supposed to take our daughter one night this week so without tipping my hat as to how much I know, I asked her if she's still able to take her this week. She basically said she would, but she may bring her back that night so she won't be overnight there. Because it's my daughter's well being, I'll keep her indefinitely if needed, but my STBXW will need to figure her own $*!# out.

[RightThere]

No surprise.

 

I got an email yesterday asking if my STBXW could stay at my place with our daughter again and if I could stay somewhere else (it's her custody week starting this weekend with our daughter).

 

I flat out told her no. I told her if need be, I could keep our daughter or my STBXW could sleep in the spare room, but I'm not going anywhere. Sounds like she might be planning a road trip now to go and stay with some family friends for the weekend now.

 

I didn't try to be mean about it, so hopefully this doesn't start getting ugly on her end. But I'm tired of being accommodating to her poor life choices.

[TheBladeRunner]

I didn't try to be mean about it, so hopefully this doesn't start getting ugly on her end. But I'm tired of being accommodating to her poor life choices.

 

This is the point I had to get to as well; you are correct, her bad choices are NOT your problem. As far as her getting ugly about it, I would calmly state that these choices are hers and if she disagrees then calmly ask how her having and A is your fault. Mine didn't want to stay over as much as she would ask for favors. "Can you take our daughter so I can party/date OM/party some more". I caved in several times in the beginning, but I don't do it anymore. Some things I don't mind if it pertains to my child's well being and safety, but other than that, no dice! A week ago she asked me to take her so she could go to some show with a friend in town, I told her no.

 

Good for you RT!

[RightThere]

And I'm pretty sure she's still "with" her boyfriend but starting up activity with at least two other guys. I don't think it's progressed to much yet, but knowing what I know now, this is the beginning of the road map for her that always end up at the same place.

 

It really is sad, that my STBXW is this damaged, but at the same time I feel less and less sorry for her. She's had a hard life, but not nearly as bad as she makes it out to be. She just allows herself not only to be a constant victim, but also keep sinking into a further downward spiral by making bad decision after bad decision.

 

Hard to let go, but at the same time a bit of a relief feeling like I don't have the burden of managing someone else's out of control life.

[RightThere]

Unbelievable.

 

I guess my STBXW's out of town plans fell through (i.e. I'm sure her friends didn't like the last minute "Hey can I crash there fore a few days with my daughter because I'm fighting with my boyfriend")

 

So she send me another email stating she needs to stay at our place, and I need to make myself scarce so it's easier for her. Oh...and plus she wants to sleep in the master bedroom.

 

I calmly replied that she is welcome to stay if she needs to, but I'm not sleeping in the spare room. I guess the first thing that popped in her head was that meant we were sleeping together because she replied "What are you thinking? What do you mean?"

 

I just replied that no, I would sleep in the master bedroom still and I would make up the spare room for her. She replied "no, it's my turn".

 

How do you argue with crazy?

[dumped2013]

I would have said that your daughter is welcome but not her. That's BS

[RightThere]

I would have said that your daughter is welcome but not her. That's BS

 

I know. But what do I do? She's still on title, so technically it's still her place too. She has a key so I know she'll just show up. My only option is to have her forcibly removed by the police, but that just makes a bad situation worse.

 

She has utterly lost her mind. I told her she moved out, so I don't need to leave. She actually said "it was just a leave of absence". It's beyond just a fog now. She's psychologically "gone".

[Yasuandio]

I cannot recall who or if someone has filed for divorce in your case. But it is smart, if you are in that house alone, and she vacated, to get this thing filed, as Pititioner asap - as living arrangments stand. A judge might certainly support your position since she abandoned the home (for adultery). The terminology used in the filing is "vacate premises immediately." Your attorney will likely state she abandoned marriage on a certain day and took residence at a certain address with a certain person (if there's proof). And wishes Court to enforce that she remains vacant from premises until matter is resolved - or something like.

 

If she gets back in there - it could turn the other way around, OR you can be roommates till this settles. Man, you better get something filed today that establish she has already abandoned the marriage. I MEAN TODAY. This "leave of absence" BS shows she's wised up. TODAY - it has to be filed at the Court. Then you can use the police. Otherwise, she has a perfect right to come in without a hassle. If you get cops involved - without proper intervention of filing, YOU WILL LOOK BAD. It will appear you pushed her out, and won't let her back in to be with her child. She will lie till the cows come home, and no one will believe you.

 

Plus, if you get busted for the computer spying - you can forget everything. During a contentious divorce, they can can supoena you computer or key it and find out everything you've been up to. If you are a IT specialist - that is the first thing your attorney is gonna ask for in discovery (besides your emails, correspondence, records, blah, blah). The other side demanded to key my computer. Thank God nothing in there, nothing to worry about. We fought them and did not have to produce. As a specialist - it might be a different story for you. Most often they want to see porn sites etc. I did have to print off every single thing in the computer and produce though - over 5000 emails!

 

Hope this helps, Yas

 

PS. You can expect her counter suit (or Petition for divorce if you fail to file) to state that you need to "vacate premises immediately." she may or may not have to give any reasoning, but she will likely come up with something creative. Now, the hacking thing, oh, dude, that is a great reason! You messed up with that, you have to be careful what you say, cause it can be traced to that source of wire information by a sharp attorney, I mean, how else did you find out? I would hire a detective to cover your a$$, and don't tell about the hack - just give basic clues. Don't get take any chances.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Yasuandio

[RightThere]

I cannot recall who or if someone has filed for divorce in your case.

 

No one has filed yet. The plan was to go through a mediator and get the separation agreement done up, so I can take that and file it at the same time.

 

If she gets back in there - it could turn the other way around, OR you can be roommates till this settles. Man, you better get something filed today that establish she has already abandoned the marriage. I MEAN TODAY. This "leave of absence" BS shows she's wised up. TODAY - it has to be filed at the Court. Then you can use the police. Otherwise, she has a perfect right to come in without a hassle. If you get cops involved - without proper intervention of filing, YOU WILL LOOK BAD. It will appear you pushed her out, and won't let her back in to be with her child. She will lie till the cows come home, and no one will believe you.

 

At this point, I think I'm up the creek. She informed me of this yesterday and she'll be back in the house shortly. I have no time to file anything today.

 

We have a meeting set up with out mediator next week, but I'll bet she's going to flake out on it. My bad case scenario right now is she stays for a week, then when it's my custody week she goes back to live with her boyfriend. At that point if I suspect she's still up to something, I'll file during that week.

 

As for proof that she moved out, most of her stuff is at her boyfriend's place. She bought and set up a new bunk bed for our daughter at his place. Anyone who was to walk in there and see it would know that's what's going on. The first draft of our separation agreement that she was present for has me buying her out of our place.

 

I think I just need to suck it up for a little bit here and hope this week pans out the way I think it will. I just have no idea as to what her reasoning is here.

[Chi townD]

You know, I'm surprised that you haven't started this yet; or, if you have, you haven't written about it yet.

 

Changing the house up. Buying new furniture, painting the walls a new color. Taking down anything that would remind you of her. Moving furniture around. Taking a room and making it your "mancave". Put new art up on the walls. New photos that don't include her.

 

The one thing about MOST women is that they pride themselves on making a house a home and they are instrumental in the interior design of the place that they make their home. By redesigning the place to YOUR liking is a slap in the face and a wake up call for them, that this place isn't theirs anymore. That they have NO SAY in what you do to the house anymore. IF she's having problems with her "boy toy" she seems to want to run over there a lot of the times. Because it's familiar, safe and secure for her.

 

It lets them know that you are moving on, that you are erasing all traces of them. That they no long have a "home base" or a "headquarters". That this place is unfamiliar to them now.

 

If you don't believe me, try it. Guarantee you she'll say something about it.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Chi townD