Mistake vs. accident

[twosadthings]

The reality of this thread is that mistakes, accidents and bad/wrong/stupid choices all have the propensity for horrible consequences that could have been foreseen and avoided.

 

Just sayin'

 

Twosadthings

[ChooseTruth]

I see on here and other sites people seem to confuse the two terms. Someone jumps all over the person when they claim their affair was a "mistake". For clarity I do believe I made a mistake. A huge mistake. (n. and action or judgment that is misguided or wrong).

 

My affair was not an accident. I really doubt any affair is an accident. At some point you choose to do what you do.

 

Just thought I'd put that out there. You can't really argue with the dictionary. I understand that some think it is to light of a word to use but it doesn't change the fact for me it was a mistake.

Good post, I'm guilty and have been schooled

[Spark1111]

For me as a fWS? It was no accident; it was intentional.

 

but it was a big Mistake to solve my personal and marital issues by involving a third person and hurting everyone impacted by my triangulation. A stupid mistake as I couldn't see what was wrong in me, didn't understand why I needed it or wanted it, and didn't know how or where to find answers. All my "looking" had not helped at that point, unfortunately.

 

Once you know your Why's, you don't ever see it as accidental again. You realize it served a foggy, dysfunctional need at the time and it was no accident. But that's also when you clearly see it as a mistake, a mistaken belief that these actions would help you and not harm others. You really believe that at first, because you are putting a salve on an unknown pain, a pain you didn't even admit you had. And it seems so . . . okay. The cost/benefit at that time tells you it will be ok, not great or perfect or even right. And then you get to know why you needed this and think, "It was such a mistake to try to heal my hurts and needs with something so harmful and unkind." A true mistake, yes. No accident.

 

ok, I'll concede that trying to fix what ails you, and NEVER believing you'd get caught, can be considered a "mistake" from a WS POV; a mistaken belief in trying to heal your inner pain with the affair bandaid.

 

But do NOT ever use that word around a BS. It infuriates me.

 

Forgetting to bring the quart of milk home is a mistake. Not paying the utility bill on time while waiting for the paycheck to clear is a mistake. Losing track of time and showing up late is a mistake.

 

But the constant, daily choice to have inappropriate conversations, texting, sexting, sex, lying, deceiving to someone who loves and trusts you is NO MISTAKE.

 

It is an intentional choice, made many times a day, over weeks, months and sometimes YEARS that betrays a person who loved and trusted you.

 

Mistake sounds like it is still all about you and nothing of the pain and devastion your choices caused us. It is a light, oops, I did bad word choice that MINIMIZES the pain of the BS.

 

Make NO MISTAKE about that.

[ChooseTruth]

ok, I'll concede that trying to fix what ails you, and NEVER believing you'd get caught, can be considered a "mistake" from a WS POV; a mistaken belief in trying to heal your inner pain with the affair bandaid.

 

But do NOT ever use that word around a BS. It infuriates me.

 

Forgetting to bring the quart of milk home is a mistake. Not paying the utility bill on time while waiting for the paycheck to clear is a mistake. Losing track of time and showing up late is a mistake.

 

But the constant, daily choice to have inappropriate conversations, texting, sexting, sex, lying, deceiving to someone who loves and trusts you is NO MISTAKE.

 

It is an intentional choice, made many times a day, over weeks, months and sometimes YEARS that betrays a person who loved and trusted you.

 

Mistake sounds like it is still all about you and nothing of the pain and devastion your choices caused us. It is a light, oops, I did bad word choice that MINIMIZES the pain of the BS.

 

Make NO MISTAKE about that.

 

That's the argument then I guess. Coolit actually called that out in her opening post:

I understand that some think it is to light of a word to use but it doesn't change the fact for me it was a mistake.

So what word should a WS use in that case then? "I'm sorry, the affair was a huge _____"

 

"Betrayal" comes to mind, hmm but even that doesn't convey regret necessarily. Not seeing anything I like in the thesaurus either.

Edited September 17, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[Artie Lang]

the totality might've been a mistake, but the conscious desicion to lie, decieve, and betray your spouse was no mistake..... let alone an "accident."

[janedoe67]

The word accident has always made me laugh because I am a visual person. Kind of like "I didn't mean to."

 

I mean, I was just walking down the street, and I accidentally saw my pants fly off and then I accidentally landed under a naked man and our body parts accidentally bumped into each other....

 

but I didn't MEAN to...It just happened!!!

 

Even I knew that was a load of bad words I can't say.

[photogirl2006]

The real problem with that definition is when so many people follow it up with, "It just happened."

 

That's what most 'jumpers' object to.

 

I agree...that's what pisses me off...it just happened. Screw that crap.

[Spark1111]

like I have stated previously....devastating betrayal that caused you life-alternating pain....or for those less wordy....forgive me for being a selfish, self-centered lying scumbag who never gave one whit about you and YOUR feelings....works better than either "Mistake" or "accident" from a BS's POV.

[Zenstudent]

I get why people in general think that "mistake" is a light word that tends to minimize the action(s). I gave it some thought and looked it up. I think the error in calculation and/or judgement is fair to use in this context. But it's a funny little word that people have different understanding and feelings about.

 

"I invested one million in Company X, now they're out of business and we lost our savings and house. At the time the investment seemed like a good idea with the information I had, the analysis I performed and the judgements I made. Now I see that I clearly made a mistake" - even when the investment was thoroughly evaluated and calculated.

 

My wife had a LTA, and she knew every minute of it (though) compartmentalized) that it was wrong. But I believe her when she claims that she didn't think it would be discovered and that she didn't think the consequences for me and our relationship would be so extensive as they turned out to be.

 

Now THAT, to me, is an error in calculation and judgement, and I don't have any problem accepting it as a huge mistake on her part. Then one can start to think; if she hadn't been busted and nobody were visible hurt, would it still be a mistake then? Not by the above definition/understanding - what would it be then, just a choice?

[ComingInHot]

I , as a fBS, consider the A a malicious act.

For some regretful.

For others, not.

[aliveagain]

For two years she had to plan where to meet him, where she would leave the car, what she spent the money on. Every time she met him she had to decide which thong to wear under her jeans. Each time she went out dressed to the 9's she had to create a believable story for me, one I wouldn't question. Each time she went away to visit a dying cousin or aunt she had to pack appropriate clothing for her week long stay. Each time she came home at 4 in the morning she had to make up a story as to where she was, even finding a pizza place open so she could buy a pizza then throw most of it away so she could bring a few pieces home in the box as leftovers(because she was thinking of me). I guess she made a mistake. It could have just happened a few hundred times.

Edited September 18, 2013 by aliveagain

[Betterthanthis13]

For two years she had to plan where to meet him, where she would leave the car, what she spent the money on. Every time she met him she had to decide which thong to wear under her jeans. Each time she went out dressed to the 9's she had to create a believable story for me, one I wouldn't question. Each time she went away to visit a dying cousin or aunt she had to pack appropriate clothing for her week long stay. Each time she came home at 4 in the morning she had to make up a story as to where she was, even finding a pizza place open so she could buy a pizza then throw most of it away so she could bring a few pieces home in the box as leftovers(because she was thinking of me). I guess she made a mistake. It could have just happened a few hundred times.

 

None of that fits the definition for "mistake". All of it,as describedis downright cruel, cold, and borderline sociopathic. I don't see anywhere in your description where she came to her senses and felt true remorse for her actions, claiming she thought doing these things would make her happy but ultimately made her miserable and she learned from them. (And meant it)

 

My xbf does not get to claim "mistake" either. No way in bloody hell is any of what he did to me a "mistake". Why? There was no error in judgement when for an entire year he was posting ads on CL Casual encounters or logging into Ashley Madison moments after I left for work in the morning, meeting up with some skank by late afternoon, showering at the gym after work and then coming home and acting like everything was just fine and dandy and cooking dinner with me and having sex again. He was just doing what he wanted to do. Not a mistake.

 

However, I definitely believe that cheating can be considered a mistake. Just like any other choice in life that a person might come to regret because they made an error in judgement. But not ALL choices to cheat qualify as "mistakes", as illustrated by the two examples above. It only gets to count as a mistake if it meets the qualifications for a mistake. Otherwise, not a mistake. Just piss poor rotten behavior. I wish I had thought of all this on DDay #1, I would have saved myself a year and a half of nonsensical wasted time.

[ChooseTruth]

like I have stated previously....devastating betrayal that caused you life-alternating pain....or for those less wordy....forgive me for being a selfish, self-centered lying scumbag who never gave one whit about you and YOUR feelings....works better than either "Mistake" or "accident" from a BS's POV.

 

Ok, I'm easily pushed one way or another on this.

 

So instead of

 

"I'm sorry, it was a huge mistake"

 

You must say to your BS,

 

"I'm sorry, it was a huge betrayal that caused you life-alternating pain. Forgive me for being a selfish, self-centered lying scumbag who never gave one whit about you and YOUR feelings."

 

Works for me. In all seriousness as someone going through the greatest pain of my life, statement #1 isn't likely to make me feel much better. Statement #2 said in a sincere voice would actually move me...well except for the part about not giving "one whit about my feelings" Ouch!

Edited September 18, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[Coolit]

My peeve is people attacking someone who uses the word mistake on this forum and tell them it wasn't a mistake and then use the spilled milk analogy... Which doesn't fit because mistake and accident are not the same word or interchangeable.

 

When i confessed I didn't say "we all make mistakes" or "it was just a mistake" to me it is just a case of people being hyper sensitive to the word without looking at the context.

 

What I did say, after telling my h everything was "i screwed up so bad"

 

And in better's case or any other unremorseful ws one day they may wake up and look back and realize that their behaviour was the biggest mistake of their life. (we won't hold our breaths)

 

 

But never an accident.

[Snowflower]

As a BS, I can deal with the term "mistake" with regards to an affair.

 

Sometimes we make choices that we deeply regret later. We have all had the "what the f&*% was I thinking" kind of moments. Those can be considered mistakes.

 

After all, I know I've made choices that were also mistakes.

 

I honestly don't get why people get all worked up about the term "mistake" if the WS (either their WS or one here on LS) uses the term but then expresses remorse, regret, contrition, etc. for their choice or mistake.

[Betterthanthis13]

My peeve is people attacking someone who uses the word mistake on this forum and tell them it wasn't a mistake and then use the spilled milk analogy... Which doesn't fit because mistake and accident are not the same word or interchangeable.

 

When i confessed I didn't say "we all make mistakes" or "it was just a mistake" to me it is just a case of people being hyper sensitive to the word without looking at the context.

 

What I did say, after telling my h everything was "i screwed up so bad"

 

And in better's case or any other unremorseful ws one day they may wake up and look back and realize that their behaviour was the biggest mistake of their life. (we won't hold our breaths)

 

 

But never an accident.

 

Right- that is possible- and then, one day, it will have been a mistake for him. (If he considers losing me a mistake, maybe he wont considering what he says he thinks of me these days, who knows) But as of now, based on his actions and words, it's not a mistake at all. And it was super infuriating when he tried to fake me out and sell me on the "mistake" idea. (He never called any of it an accident as far as I can remember)

 

And he is plenty sorry... Very, very sorry I know about any of it. He thinks I'm out of my mind and I'm being way too hard on him.

[ChooseTruth]

What I did say, after telling my h everything was "i screwed up so bad"

"screw up" was actually on one of the thesaurus pages for "mistake". I should have mentioned it ^^

 

I realize what the definition says on that one dictionary site...but for me the term does kind of imply "I was trying to do X, but accidentally did Y instead". There was one site that had a sample sentence for mistake. It went:

"If you do something by mistake, you do it accidentally".

 

I think of mistake like misstep. Miss Step. Mis Take. " CUT! THE MIC WAS IN PICTURE. TAKE #24! ACTION!"

 

Words change meaning though, and I do thing mis-take has become mistake with a possibly more serious meaning now-a-days.