sbd_21 Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 So here is my dilemma. I met this guy at a party and a few days later, found a friend request from him on Facebook. This was odd to me because during our first meeting, I only ever told him my first name and we had no mutual friends on Facebook. Which means, he did A LOT of research to hunt me down. I accepted his request, he messaged me and asked for my number, and I gave it too him. In all honesty, I wasn't expecting a lot at first. About 3 weeks later we met up for breakfast and I found that there was a REAL connection there. I really enjoyed it, actually, and so did he because he texted me later that day to say he had a great time and cant wait to meet up again. So the following weekend, we went out again and had an even better time. I really was starting to like him, and I thought he felt the same way. At least, that is what he told me. In my opinion, someone who was just looking for sex wouldn't have put in this much effort. Especially when he knows I'm not easy. We continued to see each other for the next couple of weekends up until 2 weeks ago, when i spent the night with him. We did not have sex but we did still get physical. Now since that night, I haven't heard from him and it's been 2 weeks. I reached out to him a few times and haven't heard anything, so I've dropped it. So here I am, left confused, hurt, and feeling used. I did not see this guy as being the type to pull the disappearing stunt. So my question for all the girls and guys out there: When someone pulls a disappearing stunt, how often do they return? I would really like to know. I'm so hurt and confused by his actions. Have people been in similar situations? If he DID come back I'm not sure I would let him back in, as I feel completely disrespected by him, but I would still like to know what the odds of him reappearing are. Has this happened to anyone else? Has someone that you were once seeing just randomly, one day, pop back up as if nothing was wrong to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 If he DID come back I'm not sure I would let him back in, as I feel completely disrespected by him, but I would still like to know what the odds of him reappearing are. When I disappear it's for good. When I say goodbye I mean goodbye forever. Move on. If he does return it's best to have the option of letting him back in because you want to, not because he's the only thing that you have going on. Link to post Share on other sites
ShiningMoon Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 When I disappear it's usually for good. When I reappear, it's usually because I have nothing else going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Why do you think he put in "so much effort"? Doesn't sound like he's moving mountains or anything...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sbd_21 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 I say he put in so much effort because at first he really did. He sought out to contact me after the party. Once he did, and we exchanged numbers, he invited me out four times, and each time I declined. It wasn't until the 5th invite out to breakfast, 3 weeks later, that I accepted. He initiated most of the contact for the rest of the week, and invited me out the following weekend. And then invited me to his friends house the next day after that. Why would he introduce me to friends early on if he didn't have somewhat of an interest? The following weekend, we went back to said friends house for a party where we had our first kiss. And it was the weekend after that in which it was the last time I saw him/heard from him... Link to post Share on other sites
Menina Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 here I am, left confused, hurt, and feeling used. I did not see this guy as being the type to pull the disappearing stunt. So my question for all the girls and guys out there: When someone pulls a disappearing stunt, how often do they return? I would really like to know. I'm so hurt and confused by his actions. Have people been in similar situations? If he DID come back I'm not sure I would let him back in, as I feel completely disrespected by him, but I would still like to know what the odds of him reappearing are. Has this happened to anyone else? Has someone that you were once seeing just randomly, one day, pop back up as if nothing was wrong to begin with? This is awful, I find it completely disrespectful the whole disappearing act. The longest a guy has disappeared and reapeared was one year (I'm not kidding, after he disapeared for a year he sent me a FB message) but he was a booty call so I expected that kind of behaviour. Maybe that's all this guy wanted, sex, and once he realized he would not get it easy he moved on. The fact that he invited you out or added you on FB after intense research may mean nothing, women and men can go through a lot of effort for sex. And what if he calls you? What excuse will he have for disappearing for two weeks and not answering your calls? There's no guarantee he will not do it again, I suggest you move on to someone who really appreciates you and is not playing games. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I say he put in so much effort because at first he really did. He sought out to contact me after the party. Once he did, and we exchanged numbers, he invited me out four times, and each time I declined. It wasn't until the 5th invite out to breakfast, 3 weeks later, that I accepted. He initiated most of the contact for the rest of the week, and invited me out the following weekend. And then invited me to his friends house the next day after that. Why would he introduce me to friends early on if he didn't have somewhat of an interest? The following weekend, we went back to said friends house for a party where we had our first kiss. And it was the weekend after that in which it was the last time I saw him/heard from him... You said he obviously wasn't looking just for sex because he put in the above effort. What makes you think THAT? Because it doesn't require a heck of a whole lot of effort, what he was doing... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sbd_21 Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 You may be right. I suppose I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt in that sense. One of the first things he told me was how he likes that I'm classy. And not easy. So for him to put a month's worth of effort in, knowing sex isn't going to be easy, just doesn't add up. But maybe he was trying to challenge himself into see if he could win me over in that aspect. Regardless, I'm glad I didnt sleep with him. But like I said, we did get pretty physical. And then he disappeared...And here I am, wondering what I did to drive him away... Link to post Share on other sites
Menina Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Yes, it could've been a challenge for him. Like the guy who will do anything to sleep with the virgin, just to check that out of his list (this one I know from experience). Sometimes we believe these dating rules where if he introduces you to his friends, goes on dates, kisses you, etc, means he's into you but every man and woman is different and though that could mean a lot for some, others only see it as a way to your pants. I would've given him the benefit of the doubt after two days with no contact, but 2 weeks and unanswered calls? That's douche like behaviour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Story Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Yes, guys often reappear--at least in my experience. The RIGHT guy won't disappear on you in the first place though. Know your worth and never sell yourself short. Put your energy into finding a guy who truly deserves you and appreciates you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sbd_21 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 thanks everyone for their support/input and words of encouragement. I'm curious to hear more of similar stories, though. Does anyone else have experience of someone you were seeing, disappear without a word, only to reappear a few weeks later? How did you handle it? Link to post Share on other sites
happykat Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 OP, sorry this guy is such a jerk.. Yes, I have had this happen to me twice. Both times they did end up reappearing (about 3 weeks later) - but I didn't even entertain that notion. When someone treats people in such a callous manner it really shows their lack of character, and I have no room in my life for people like that, even as just a friend and especially as a bf/lover. How I handled it was just to completely ignore them after the initial "who is this?" (because I had deleted their contact info from my phone). So "who is this?" is the only response they ever got from me, which drove one kind of crazy - and yes that did make me feel good, lol.. Just forget about the guy, OP - time is a great healer. take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crude Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 If you were physical with the guy 2 weeks ago, by now he could've had sex if that's all he wanted. Apparently he doesn't want it at all. You said you turned him down 4 times. Is that indicative of the way you treat men, because maybe you did other things like that and it turned him off. He asked you out 5 consecutive times, then invited you twice after initiating the contact all week. What on earth did you do, no effort whatsoever on your part, why didn't you contact him? If I was him, I'd just figure you weren't worth the effort and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Happy one day, chopped the next: When they breakup and vanish | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sbd_21 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Share Posted August 2, 2013 If you were physical with the guy 2 weeks ago, by now he could've had sex if that's all he wanted. Apparently he doesn't want it at all. You said you turned him down 4 times. Is that indicative of the way you treat men, because maybe you did other things like that and it turned him off. He asked you out 5 consecutive times, then invited you twice after initiating the contact all week. What on earth did you do, no effort whatsoever on your part, why didn't you contact him? If I was him, I'd just figure you weren't worth the effort and move on. It wasn't like that at all! Maybe I should have stated my part of the "relationship" A little more clearly. I did turn him down the 1st 4 times he wanted to meet up. Not because I wasn't interested, but because I truly was busy at the moment he wanted to meet and every activity he invited me too was going to have alcohol involved. I briefly met this guy at a party. I wanted to know his intentions were good so when he suggested breakfast, with no alcohol, I was happy to meet up. And it was from there that I felt like things were moving at a good pace, with effort from both of us. The last night that I saw him, was him coming out to a function in which I had invited him too. After the first date there was plenty of initiation coming from my end and I definitely made sure he knew I appreciated all he was doing and that i was interested Link to post Share on other sites
Francop Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 Just move on! it really sucks! but hes not in the same page! Link to post Share on other sites
crude Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 It wasn't like that at all! Maybe I should have stated my part of the "relationship" A little more clearly. I did turn him down the 1st 4 times he wanted to meet up. Not because I wasn't interested, but because I truly was busy at the moment he wanted to meet and every activity he invited me too was going to have alcohol involved. I briefly met this guy at a party. I wanted to know his intentions were good so when he suggested breakfast, with no alcohol, I was happy to meet up. And it was from there that I felt like things were moving at a good pace, with effort from both of us. The last night that I saw him, was him coming out to a function in which I had invited him too. After the first date there was plenty of initiation coming from my end and I definitely made sure he knew I appreciated all he was doing and that i was interested Then sorry, I misinterpreted. On the surface, it sounded like you were making him walk through quicksand. I guess in this day and age, with online meetings and texting, it's easier to just fade on a person, even though that's classless, it's almost become the norm, with many thinking it's actually the right way to go about it, so people just need thicker skins to handle the disappointments. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I'd move on and not focus why he disappeared. There could me SSOO many reasons for it. Clearly, he lost interest and that's all that matters. I wouldn't even consider talking to a girl again if she did that again.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 He was attracted to you, so you went on some dates and got to know each other, at which point he decided he was less interested and decided not to take things any further. That's what dating is. So whilst an explanation is the polite thing to do, some people are just ignorant or don't like confrontation. The end result, however, is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 The disappearing act is pretty messed up. I call those dudes "poofers". That being said, I've been guilty of this myself when I didn't think the guy would let me go without an argument or resistance. When I was gone - it was for good. I'm sorry, but Mascara is right. This is what dating is. Thankfully you hadn't gotten intimate with him - that would have been 10 times worse. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 When someone pulls a disappearing stunt, how often do they return? I would really like to know. I'm so hurt and confused by his actions. Have people been in similar situations? I mentioned aspects alluding to this issue in another thread; essentially, as a younger person, that I had an unhealthy thought/emotional process where I projected such chemistry of the moment into a 'future'. Each moment, each interaction is just that, one moment or interaction. If a person 'disappears', that's another moment, no more or less valid than the previous moment or any future moments. In my 30+ years of dating, being in relationships and being married, a woman who 'disappears', for whatever reason, known or unknown, disappears for good, in general. The only exception has been my exW, who reappears when she wants something. Otherwise, think of the abyss of the cosmos and that's been my experience. Nothing. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted August 2, 2013 Share Posted August 2, 2013 I have to comment on the whole Facebook thing. Why did you accept a request from a man you just met at a party? Is he really your "friend". Sorry, my hate Facebook bandwagon... Sounds to me like he was persuing you for sex; it did not happen like he wanted so he either bailed or has something else that did develop the way he wanted it to. Respect yourself and so No if he reaches back out to you. RedRobin is your friend here....you got played. Link to post Share on other sites
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