Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Hello all, I'll give a little intro so you know where I'm coming from. I've just had a breakup with my partner of 3 years, she ended it 3 days ago. I am beyond devastated. It's like my whole life has been ripped away from me. I'm struggling to type I'm such a mess. I suffer from an illness which means I can't work and she was just so supportive and made me feel like I was worth something. The last few months she became depressed and distant, which made me depressed. I started having panic attacks and feeling super low but managed to pick myself up, just as I was improving we broke up. God, I know everything I say will be cliched and you've all heard it before. I know what I'm thinking isn't rational but that doesn't stop it feeling real. How will I ever get over this? I just want the pain to end. I'm still in denial I think. I know what to do I just can't do it! I'm 30, have poor health and no job. Who in their right mind will want to be with me? How will I find anyone like her again? We got on so well. Soulmates (yes I know cheesey). I think part of the reason we broke up is my not being able to work, which makes me feel so damn useless I can't even put into words. I'm constantly in a state of panic. I can't even close my eyes to meditate. The first day I collapsed in the bathroom in a pool of sweat. I can't relax. Every second feels like an hour. What do I do? I'm already on 40mg Citalopram and doc won't increase. I don't want to rely on tablets anymore I want to do this myself. Please please help me!
Philosoraptor Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I'm very sorry for the situation you are in. It's only been a few days and you can't expect things to suddenly get better. Right now the only thing you can do is work on your own happiness. You can't allow yourself to tie your personal happiness with being with someone. Only when you find happiness within and in your own life will you be ready to find something that will work out in the long term. Don't beat yourself up, as it will get you nowhere. You certainly aren't useless, there are millions of people out of work. Plenty of them are still out there meeting people. If you're having this many issues, are you seeking counseling? It may be a good first line of defense. 2
zues Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 its hard buddy i know all about it. im on day three no contact and she was the best girl ive met in my entire life, although i feel like i will never meet anyone as good as her again its just an illusion. just because your health is poor doesnt mean your life is over, she is just a woman and i guarantee you this, you will meet someone twice the woman she is, and doesnt run when times are hard. she wasnt your soulmate because if she was? she would still be with you! tough times dont last tough people do remember that my friend! 1
Author Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Thanks you two, I'm really not trying to beat myself up I just feel so rejected and unwanted. Trying to think positive and although I know it will get better I just can't see how.
giblesp Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 You're in a state of shock, it will take time to recover. If you can, talk to a close friend or member of your family and ask them to keep an eye on you. Get through this stage then you can start addressing your health and long term plans in life. It takes time, maybe a while. But it will get better, as the days go by you will be happier, you'll see. Hang in there... 1
emi Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 (edited) first i want to say im so sorry for you , being left after 3 years relationship is already too much to handle, not to mention with your illness. u need to pick yourself up and try to think possitive. its hard, i know. Try to settle your mental then work on your illness, then get out there, find a job, and become a better man. life is a struggle. if u can get throught this difficult time, im sure u will look back one day and proud Hold on to yourself. Tie your life with goal, not people or object. They come and gone and nothing can stop them. Be strong buddy. Wish you all the best . If u feeling down, make sure you post here instead of trying something silly Edited August 1, 2013 by emi 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I feel for you, it sounds really tough. You'll be better though I'm sure! You're here wondering what to do to feel better, and you know you want to do this yourself, so that's already a brilliant start! I don't have a debilitating illness but I did have low mood which affected many aspects of our relationship and is probably one of the reasons my ex went. What keeps me up? I have something to prove! Whether to him, to others or to myself, who cares. But I *refuse* to let this thing sweep me over. He didn't have the patience to stick around until I was better again? Worse for him, I'll show him by getting better without his help. Does this logic work for you? If so, ride it a better day!!! 1
Author Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Health isn't really something that will get better, I mean it might but not likely. I'm used to it now but it prevents me getting exercise which I really want to do right now! I'm REALLY trying to be positive and tell myself I can do this. I've suffered from depression before and got over it. I know this takes time it's just like I want the edge taken off you know? Just being able to function a little better and not feeling constantly anxious.
giblesp Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Check out Chi Gung and Tai Chi, that will help alot. 1
forgetmenot75 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 I feel your pain. I'm very sorry you're not feeling OK. At this time, the only think you can grab is to stay No contact. I promise it will get better. I'd say in a week or two you'll be able to function again. I've stopped eating and sleeping the first 10 days, but gradually got better. Two months after break up, I am myself again. So, be patient, you have a long way to go still. Because of your depression problems, I'd suggest you don't mourn too much. I mean, mourning is necessary the first days, but do not get stuck on it. the key is to trust yourself, and I'm sure you can do it. Go to the cinema, go to a restaurant, go to some new place. do it even though you don;t feel it. smile, even though you dont feel it. Your brain cannot differentiate between a fake or a sincere smile. You'll be fine, I'll promise. stay No contact!
forgetmenot75 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 While antidepressants can help, I agree increasing the dose will not make a difference. Eventually, you need to feel the pain and deal with it. If you anesthetized yourself, the pain will come later. Stay strong.
Author Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Yeah I really want to do this on my own without meds. Had another panic attack today but mates just took me out to the pub. It helped, it really did. Avoided alcohol though and actually managed to eat....2 samosas and 2 onion bhajis! I'm kinda ok with people. Alone is difficult. Thanks all for the support, means the world.
forgetmenot75 Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Good! I've had panic attacks in the past. Not funny at all. what helped me was to think that, even though they are awful and terrorizing, NO ONE DIES FROM A PANIC ATTACK. Just let the panic pass. It only last minutes, nothing to worry about.
Author Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Yeah, exactly. Just bloody awful but not dangerous.
anythingbut Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 Mate, there's not much anyone can say to make you feel better so soon into the break up - trust me I've been there http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years I tell you two things you can do that really helped me (other than throwing myself into fitness which I appreciate is not an optikon for you): firstly I started volunteering at an elderly ward at a local hospital for patients with terminal illness. Might sound a little full on, but trust me it helped me to remember that no matter how painful my situation (and trust me, I'm struggling at 5 months in), there are people in worse situations. It also helped get me out of the house, and was a great way to meet new people. Secondly, check out a book called the power of now by eckhart tolle. It has truly transformed my way of thinking, and I cannot recommend it enough. It doesn't take away the pain completely, but it does offer a very unique perspective on why we behave and feel the way we do in these situations - giving practical suggestions of what we can do to help ourselves out the hole in which we have found ourselves. Whatever happend,you'll be a better person in the end for this situation, I'm sure of it.
Author Mrfr Posted August 1, 2013 Author Posted August 1, 2013 Cheers anything but, I hope you're ok too. Volunteering sounds like a great idea, I enjoy being nice to people and helping them out, especially those that really need it!
anythingbut Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 get on it then bro! not sure where you live mate, but as you mentioned pub I'm assuming you're in the UK lol! ...all local NHS trusts are always looking for volunteers, but depending on whatever interests you, ther are other opportunities too eg childrens charities, mental health organisations, alzheimers society, marie curie etc you've got a long way to go brother, but keep yourself busy as possible, keep your friends and family close and they will help you through this, you'll have set backs, but you'll get through this eventually. no contact is a must - give her the space she needs to realise what she's lost, and give yourself the space to think about how you can become an even better person for the next girl. good luck brother 1
feelinghopeless89 Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 I definitely feel your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. If there is one thing I can tell you for sure... time is the enemy. It does get better, and I know exactly how you are feeling in regards to scared you won't meet anyone like your ex, and not really seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. All of that is so normal after a break up. That is a good sign you are able to go out and socialize with friends! Make sure you also have time to just feel your emotions, and understand why you have them. The grieving process is painful and so hard, but if you go through all the emotions and work through the pain, you will become much stronger as time goes by. Stay positive! Stay strong! Everything happens for a reason, and you are definitely not alone in this. 1
Author Mrfr Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Didn't sleep last night. Feel so awful today.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 2, 2013 Posted August 2, 2013 Just wanted to give a shoutout of support to British dumpees!
Author Mrfr Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Woop! Uk FTW Ugh. Well, no panic attacks today. Little anxiety. Only cried once briefly. But I have been around people all day and have a night out tonight. Which brings me on to my issue.....I assumed she wasn't going to go but she text me to ask if I was and whether I didn't want her to go to prevent it being awkward. I've been doing NC since after the first two days and wanted to keep it that way. What shall I do? I look weak if I say "Nah please don't come" ?
Author Mrfr Posted August 3, 2013 Author Posted August 3, 2013 Well anyway I just replied with "Im going" and didn't answer whether I care if she goes or not. She replied saying she might not go as she's been feeling faint all day, she suffers with that quite badly. I never replied. Dunno if that was the best tactic but that's what I did. Determined to put a brave face on tonight if she's there, have a feeling her brother is going but I get on with him fine.
Author Mrfr Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 I dunno if anyone's still reading but I'm replying anyway. She didn't show up, which was probably for the best. Her brother was there and we got on well, though the topic of the breakup didn't come up. I'm kinda fed up of people asking me what happened. I've made a vast improvement in just a week I think. Though tomorrow I'm alone most of the day which could be a bit of a test.
feelinghopeless89 Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I think you did the right thing with the short answers. From now on, try NC and not responding at all if possible. Think of something to do tomorrow to distract you for the majority of the day! Get outside - it helps
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