The letter I want to send my ex...

[lukekarts]

So after my counselling session on Monday, I was advised I should write things down when I have my down moments, as a relief method.

 

Scenario: I'm the dumpee, 10 year relationship, ended via tex just over 4 weeks ago. NC for almost 4 weeks... the rest should speak for itself.

 

 

 

"I am angry and disappointed, and probably always will be, about the way you treated me. The way you handled ending the relationship was just horrible. To this day I don’t understand how or why you would end things via a text message, the timing of which you knew was 30 minutes before I raced (which could have risked my life), knowing I had 150 miles to drive home whilst tired and in agony. I don’t know if that was due to immaturity, cowardice, spite or just plain selfishness, but it was made harder still by the fact that it totally undermined the person I thought I knew so well.

 

Although a relationship isn’t about owing one another anything, I feel I deserved to be treated with more dignity and respect than I received from you that day.

 

 

It also left me searching for answers and in hindsight I should have known so many things in our relationship were about you, always on your terms. You always saw yourself a selfless person, but almost everything in our relationship was the opposite. I helped you through all your problems, from your choice to go to University, to your unhappy living situation, to helping you through tough times with your first teaching job, tough times in your family, and supporting you in your move to Oxford. Even extending to your personal beliefs about sex before marriage. Every major decision centred around you. With the move to Oxford, it was always going to be me sacrificing my car, limiting what I brought to the flat, leaving everyone behind. You, you and you.

 

 

And not once did you really, truly portray your feelings. When we spoke back in October, I sensed some small worries, but at no point did you suggest you were falling out of love or that we needed to take actions to resolve underlying issues. And just before I moved down, when you panicked, the issues I understood that you were worried about - ‘being struck by lightning’ with us moving in, that you couldn’t conclusively say things were ‘right’, but without being able to justify what was wrong. The lovely text message that night was just plain lies, but I took it for what it was – you were still deeply in love but going through a small personal crisis. How wrong I was.

 

 

 

You had 9 months of working out the end of our relationship, and I had the shock of a single text message on one day, yet you can't understand why I had such difficulty dealing with that.

 

 

And that’s where I am right now. You may completely ignore this in an attempt to absolve yourself of guilt, but maybe if you have some sort of decency left in you, you will one day be able to show some sort of remorse for the horrible way you treated me.

 

 

The sad thing is, despite all the above, I still have admiration and respect for you as person, even if those feelings aren’t the way they were before. I still have great memories of the good times, and I still miss them.

 

 

 

And whilst I may not be perfect I am confident enough to say that I had no regrets about how good a boyfriend I was in our relationship and I am now much stronger as a person because of it."

[Ordinaryday]

So after my counselling session on Monday, I was advised I should write things down when I have my down moments, as a relief method.

 

Scenario: I'm the dumpee, 10 year relationship, ended via tex just over 4 weeks ago. NC for almost 4 weeks... the rest should speak for itself.

 

 

 

"I am angry and disappointed, and probably always will be, about the way you treated me. The way you handled ending the relationship was just horrible. To this day I don’t understand how or why you would end things via a text message, the timing of which you knew was 30 minutes before I raced (which could have risked my life), knowing I had 150 miles to drive home whilst tired and in agony. I don’t know if that was due to immaturity, cowardice, spite or just plain selfishness, but it was made harder still by the fact that it totally undermined the person I thought I knew so well.

 

Although a relationship isn’t about owing one another anything, I feel I deserved to be treated with more dignity and respect than I received from you that day.

 

 

It also left me searching for answers and in hindsight I should have known so many things in our relationship were about you, always on your terms. You always saw yourself a selfless person, but almost everything in our relationship was the opposite. I helped you through all your problems, from your choice to go to University, to your unhappy living situation, to helping you through tough times with your first teaching job, tough times in your family, and supporting you in your move to Oxford. Even extending to your personal beliefs about sex before marriage. Every major decision centred around you. With the move to Oxford, it was always going to be me sacrificing my car, limiting what I brought to the flat, leaving everyone behind. You, you and you.

 

 

And not once did you really, truly portray your feelings. When we spoke back in October, I sensed some small worries, but at no point did you suggest you were falling out of love or that we needed to take actions to resolve underlying issues. And just before I moved down, when you panicked, the issues I understood that you were worried about - ‘being struck by lightning’ with us moving in, that you couldn’t conclusively say things were ‘right’, but without being able to justify what was wrong. The lovely text message that night was just plain lies, but I took it for what it was – you were still deeply in love but going through a small personal crisis. How wrong I was.

 

 

 

You had 9 months of working out the end of our relationship, and I had the shock of a single text message on one day, yet you can't understand why I had such difficulty dealing with that.

 

 

And that’s where I am right now. You may completely ignore this in an attempt to absolve yourself of guilt, but maybe if you have some sort of decency left in you, you will one day be able to show some sort of remorse for the horrible way you treated me.

 

 

The sad thing is, despite all the above, I still have admiration and respect for you as person, even if those feelings aren’t the way they were before. I still have great memories of the good times, and I still miss them.

 

 

 

And whilst I may not be perfect I am confident enough to say that I had no regrets about how good a boyfriend I was in our relationship and I am now much stronger as a person because of it."

 

send her that, please! she needs an ego boost, please give her one! and it will absolutely cement in her mind that she made the right decision, so please do her a favour by sending it

[emi]

10 YEARS! omg that was tough. how can she end it like that ? thats waste of time for both! dont send her! u will make her more arrogant and think she got you on her hand. read it again. and burn it!

[lukekarts]

Yeah sorry, I should be clear, I've typed it out but really don't have any intention of sending it, just need to vent. Ugh.

[anythingbut]

Yes in this letter I can see that you are clearly hurt, angry and resentful.

 

I hope that, in writing it, you found it a therapeutic experience - and it eased things for you, even if only temporarily.

 

The fact of the matter is, though, you need to work hard to rid yourself of these feelings of resentment as they will not do anything other than make things worse.

 

You don't need me to tell you this buddy, but 10 years is an unbelievable amount of time to be together for someone to end it through text - so cold, and so immature. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. But yes, humans seem to be capable of behaving in the most unebelievably horrendous ways at times. Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

The key for you now sir, is to maintain no contact, and do not boost her ego by letting her know any of the above feelings. She knows this is how you are feeling anyway buddy, so it's useless confirming it for her and, in doing so, validating that she did the right thing in leaving you.

 

Keep on writing your feelings down, and if you get to a point (like I did after weeks 10 and 17) that you feel you cannot maintain no contact any longer, surprise her and yourself by sending her a letter or an email filled with nothing but love ans positivity.

 

In the long run, I am confident that you'll be proud of this approach.

 

Try to rise above, not stoop below.

[dontgiveanef]

As said "The key for you now sir, is to maintain no contact, and do not boost her ego by letting her know any of the above feelings. She knows this is how you are feeling anyway buddy, so it's useless confirming it for her and, in doing so, validating that she did the right thing in leaving you."

 

 

I would not send her that letter at all. She definitely knows how you feel and obviously took time by herself or with a support system to do it. Writing things down definitely lets you get the feelings out. Dont give her the satisfaction of thinking she is better than you.

[lukekarts]

Yes in this letter I can see that you are clearly hurt, angry and resentful.

 

I hope that, in writing it, you found it a therapeutic experience - and it eased things for you, even if only temporarily.

 

The fact of the matter is, though, you need to work hard to rid yourself of these feelings of resentment as they will not do anything other than make things worse.

 

You don't need me to tell you this buddy, but 10 years is an unbelievable amount of time to be together for someone to end it through text - so cold, and so immature. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. But yes, humans seem to be capable of behaving in the most unebelievably horrendous ways at times. Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/412803-completely-cut-off-after-6-years

 

The key for you now sir, is to maintain no contact, and do not boost her ego by letting her know any of the above feelings. She knows this is how you are feeling anyway buddy, so it's useless confirming it for her and, in doing so, validating that she did the right thing in leaving you.

 

Keep on writing your feelings down, and if you get to a point (like I did after weeks 10 and 17) that you feel you cannot maintain no contact any longer, surprise her and yourself by sending her a letter or an email filled with nothing but love ans positivity.

 

In the long run, I am confident that you'll be proud of this approach.

 

Try to rise above, not stoop below.

 

Thank you. I read your story too and it was really heartfelt, so similar to mine, and I can really sympathise with pretty much everything I read here.

 

I did find writing that good, and hearing people's comments here has made me feel better.

 

I may have already given her that ego boost she needs to move on - details which I can't really disclose because I was too drunk to remember (And I don't even know if what is alleged is true), so from that point of view I don't think I can really damage her opinion of me further.

 

In all likelihood though, our lives will clash in a couple of months time.

 

I'm just not sure whether your suggested approach will work. Will saying nice things to her actually achieve anything?

[anythingbut]

I would suggest not at this point buddy - it's way too early on in the break to be in contact. I've read a few places that 8 weeks is a decent timescale to let the dust settle a little, and for both parties to have a little time to reflect on the situation.

 

For me, though, there's no amount of time that you can say is right or wrong to get in contact with your ex. In an ideal world, you just wouldn't get in contact at all, and just wash your hands of them. The reality is though, if you've not had any real closure (which you definitely would've have any closure if she ended a 10 year relationship through text) you will, like me, have highs and lows in these first 10 weeks - the lows will urge you to contact her in attempt to receive some kind of closure.

 

In my case, the highs of the first 10 weeks came as I buried my head in the sand by going out getting smashed, going on holiday with the fellas, spending money on clothes and a new car, volunteering at a hospital (by the way, this has been great), smashing the gym all sorts of crazy stuff that took my mind off the situation.

 

But the highs would only be temporary as my ego battled to get my confidence back. The reality was I was only hiding from what I really needed to: face the reality of my new situation, a destroyed life, and start putting the pieces back together. Hence, I have recently entered into a phase of the break up at month 4/5 which has sent me into a depressed state almost 90% of the time - I couldn't go on partying and doing new stuff forever could I? And the last 4 weeks I have had to start properly dealing with this situation and it's so hard it's unreal.

 

However, what I haven't got is the burden of knowing I have let myself down, or lowered myself, at any point by losing my temper or venting any anger towards her - thus vindicating her decision to leave me. Lord knows buddy, there have been times in the last 5 months weher I have been sat here, wondering what on earth I did to deserve the way she has treated me. Feelings of unbelievable despair and unfairness.

 

But you just got to keep on going. If you do really want to write to her mate, my advice would be this: leave it until at least week 10 and see how you feel then; I guarantee they will be different to how they are now as the 'rawness' of the situation will have diminished a little, and you will be able to illustrate your feelings more constructively than you can now.

[aloneinaz]

There's absolutely no reason to make contact with her now or in 6 months. She showed her true character and colors w/how she ended a 10 year relationship. Would you really want her back? How could you EVER trust her again?

 

The best thing you can do is disappear from her life and keep working on yourself. F-her, she's not worth your time or effort. Silence speaks volumes.

 

My ex and I broke up too many times this year. It was ALWAYS me chasing her and getting her back after a couple of weeks though she did reach out to me once. She ended it again after promising to not lose her temper and end it like she had so many times before. She's heard NOTHING from me since. NOTHING.. The relationship was toxic the last few months of it due to her. She's insecure as hell as well. She my have ended it but I know it's KILLING her and her insecure ego that I've moved on w/out ever attempting to contact her, nor will i EVER.

 

The best part; I've been dating someone new now for almost a month while she's still on dating sites trying to meet someone else. Karma baby.

[enchanted771]

I agree with everyone. Dont send the letter. Keep it for yourself to vent. DOnt let her think that she got to you or let her have the upper hand. My boyfriend and i broke up two weeks ago. We were together 2 years. It was a LDR we talked alot with text so thats how we broke up, but it was kind of mutual. He didnt know ALL the reasons-I just wanted to get away from him because of his verbal/emotional abuse. It is up to you what you want to do, but dont let her think you havent moved on that will on stroke her ego.

[crazy1234]

So after my counselling session on Monday, I was advised I should write things down when I have my down moments, as a relief method.

 

Scenario: I'm the dumpee, 10 year relationship, ended via tex just over 4 weeks ago. NC for almost 4 weeks... the rest should speak for itself.

 

 

 

"I am angry and disappointed, and probably always will be, about the way you treated me. The way you handled ending the relationship was just horrible. To this day I don’t understand how or why you would end things via a text message, the timing of which you knew was 30 minutes before I raced (which could have risked my life), knowing I had 150 miles to drive home whilst tired and in agony. I don’t know if that was due to immaturity, cowardice, spite or just plain selfishness, but it was made harder still by the fact that it totally undermined the person I thought I knew so well.

 

Although a relationship isn’t about owing one another anything, I feel I deserved to be treated with more dignity and respect than I received from you that day.

 

 

It also left me searching for answers and in hindsight I should have known so many things in our relationship were about you, always on your terms. You always saw yourself a selfless person, but almost everything in our relationship was the opposite. I helped you through all your problems, from your choice to go to University, to your unhappy living situation, to helping you through tough times with your first teaching job, tough times in your family, and supporting you in your move to Oxford. Even extending to your personal beliefs about sex before marriage. Every major decision centred around you. With the move to Oxford, it was always going to be me sacrificing my car, limiting what I brought to the flat, leaving everyone behind. You, you and you.

 

 

And not once did you really, truly portray your feelings. When we spoke back in October, I sensed some small worries, but at no point did you suggest you were falling out of love or that we needed to take actions to resolve underlying issues. And just before I moved down, when you panicked, the issues I understood that you were worried about - ‘being struck by lightning’ with us moving in, that you couldn’t conclusively say things were ‘right’, but without being able to justify what was wrong. The lovely text message that night was just plain lies, but I took it for what it was – you were still deeply in love but going through a small personal crisis. How wrong I was.

 

 

 

You had 9 months of working out the end of our relationship, and I had the shock of a single text message on one day, yet you can't understand why I had such difficulty dealing with that.

 

 

And that’s where I am right now. You may completely ignore this in an attempt to absolve yourself of guilt, but maybe if you have some sort of decency left in you, you will one day be able to show some sort of remorse for the horrible way you treated me.

 

 

The sad thing is, despite all the above, I still have admiration and respect for you as person, even if those feelings aren’t the way they were before. I still have great memories of the good times, and I still miss them.

 

 

 

And whilst I may not be perfect I am confident enough to say that I had no regrets about how good a boyfriend I was in our relationship and I am now much stronger as a person because of it."

Its just so shocking to see someone can do this.I'm sorry to know how heartless she is and what a wonderful person you could have been in her life.Take one day at a time and don't look at life in the long run for now.Get through with one day at a time and you shall be able to look into the future again with someone more beautiful and perfect for you.

[Ireallydontknow]

You had 9 months of working out the end of our relationship, and I had the shock of a single text message on one day,

 

My favorite line. I can relate to you on this one. It's terrible when they use you, to get over you. This is a great thing to do, writing, I write often. The more you own your feelings the less they have over you. I notice when I write, I write less and less about my ex.

[SimonSerenade]

Thankyou so much for sharing this, it really helped put things in to perspective for me, I got finished over a text and it has to be the most degrading feeling I have ever felt in my entire life, everything that followed after that was just more of a stench to add to the pile of crap that our break up was, even in the death of our relationship it was still all about her, what was best for her, how she felt, everything on her terms, I haven't had any contact with her since day 1, she cut me off cold turkey like I'd never existed in the first place but even now she still has a way of making sure everything she does gets back to me.

 

You should feel like your on wheels right now, you have to have one hell of a strong mentality to stay the course of NC after somebody washes a 10 year relationship down the drain like that, you did the right thing by not sending that letter, your a respectful guy to do that, hats off to you in your recovery.

 

My relationship was only a short one in contrast to yours, it lasted a whole of a year and a half and by the sounds of it, your holding up a lot better than I was, sometimes bad things happen in life and there really isn't anything you can do about it short of resting easy and letting time take the pain away, I just hope your not beating yourself up for it because it sounds like it really wasn't because of anything you did personally, if I had to guess I would probably say it's because she was on the edge of a huge commitment and freaked out, it happens to a lot of people.

 

I doubt I'd be much help but feel free to pm me if you ever need an ear.

[cavalier99]

Sorry for the loss. My realtionship that i recovered form was 8 years. It is a tough pill to swallow.

 

Didnt read the letter. But all I can say is.

 

DONT SENT!

 

Never contact them. Like. EVER or at least until waaaaayyyy over them. If you do break NC you wont recover quickly. Cav

[love1336x]

There no point sending the letter.

You won't feel better, and it wont change the situation.

if anything you are showing your ex how you can't live without them, and how important they were to you. They are not your love anymore.

Silent speaks more volume than words itself.

 

but, i can understand! Ten YEARS and via text? The hell? I would be hella angry!!! lol.

[hotpotato]

Ended your relationship via text? What an effin jerk!