bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I keep seeing this and just saw someone else on another thread tell someone they were crazy if they thought this was true. I know a lot of MM/MW may say this, from what I have read here. I know SO many people irl in sexless marriages, I'm not sure why people do not believe this. That's the only thing my exH and I were good at but I have many friends that have been in sexless marriages for years (and they are not saying it to justify affairs, either, I should add) and it amazes me to see people posting here about it as well. I don't think it is as unbelievable and extraordinary as some would like to believe. Mind you, I'm not saying all MM/MW are telling the truth about sexless marriages and I'm not saying it should justify an affair, but I think perhaps more than some may believe. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Really? I don't think I know one sexless marriage if by 'sexless' you mean no sex ever or only very very rarely. If I never had sex with my H I'd question my marriage very seriously (speaking as someone with a lowish libido reduced even further by anti-depressants). Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 I'm not even talking about me/my situation, hon. And the people that I know personally in sexless marriages are women and I am very, very straight. So I promise I'm not getting them all sexed up. I am saying that as many people as I know that are in sexless marriages, there's no way that anyone can say that EVERYONE that says they are in a sexless marriage are lying. It is not a complete myth. Some people ARE being honest about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I have heard it said by some WS, that sex at home improved during an affair, because they (1) felt very sexed up once they got home, and (2) it helped with the guilt feelings....if they could have great sex with their spouse, it made them feel/look less guilty for/of having sex elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 (edited) There may be other scenarios, but It hink these are the 4 main ones, and unless you are looking at #4, the man is still having some sex, or at least the opportunity and occasional option for sex, with the wife. I know there are some physical/health issues that can cause sex to be painful for a woman as well and can prevent a sex life. I'll see if I can think of more. lol I'll say my two closest female friends that have told me about their sexless marriages (I'm not close enough to the others to discuss the why's) were basically too busy and no emotional connection. I'm talking up to 10 years of a sexless marriage, with neither partner having an affair. Edited July 31, 2013 by bentleychic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 In a marriage, in this example, there are two people who know the truth and what they know is in their minds and their minds only. No one else can know what's in their minds. They can communicate anything they choose to communicate. It can be a accurate recitation of fact; it can be exaggerated. It can be a complete fabrication. The listener has no verifiable way of knowing which. In our M, while I was EA, my exW and I had sexual relations. Whether that is the truth or not, only she and I know for sure. We each communicate what we choose to. So, in our case, the title of the thread would tend to support my perception and experience. A 'sexless' marriage would be 'myth' in our circumstance. Others are their circumstances and experiences. All are unique. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Really? I don't think I know one sexless marriage if by 'sexless' you mean no sex ever or only very very rarely. If I never had sex with my H I'd question my marriage very seriously (speaking as someone with a lowish libido reduced even further by anti-depressants). Unfortunately, yes, really and the two closest friends that I referenced above, it was NOT due to their choosing, either, but their husband. It's not just no sex, either, but absence of any affection at all. No hugs, no kissing, no holding hands, nothing. I have a VERY high libido and there's no way I could stay in a sexless marriage. Granted, I'd leave it first, but I couldn't live like that. Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I think the OP has a valid point. Speaking for myself, my H and I went 17 months with no sex, no sexual contact, nothing. Before that was six months, before that was 8 months, before that was 4 months, before that was a year and so on... Our 17 month sexless period ended only recently, in January, and since then it has been once every six weeks odd. Is he having an affair? I really do not know. I do not have anyone on the side and quite honestly it is killing me slowly (the lack of sex). It would make H having an affair easy as he would be able to tell his AP that he does not have sex with me and for the largest part it would be true! I also want to know how a man, who does not have any erectile disorders, can go without sex for such long periods of time? It just does not sound normal to me, but I would hate to accuse him of having an affair because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 I also want to know how a man, who does not have any erectile disorders, can go without sex for such long periods of time? It just does not sound normal to me, but I would hate to accuse him of having an affair because of it. They can still fulfill their own sexual release without having an affair, though. It's not the same, obviously, but still a release. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 In a marriage, in this example, there are two people who know the truth and what they know is in their minds and their minds only. No one else can know what's in their minds. They can communicate anything they choose to communicate. It can be a accurate recitation of fact; it can be exaggerated. It can be a complete fabrication. The listener has no verifiable way of knowing which. Oh for sure! My dad's favorite phrase is "There is your truth, his truth and then there is THE truth somewhere in the middle." People rarely tell the story the same way. I know exH and I have totally different thoughts on our marriage and how it was (though we miraculously agree that divorce was the absolute best thing for ourselves and our children and we are better friends than spouses). Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I keep seeing this and just saw someone else on another thread tell someone they were crazy if they thought this was true. I know a lot of MM/MW may say this, from what I have read here. I know SO many people irl in sexless marriages, I'm not sure why people do not believe this. That's the only thing my exH and I were good at but I have many friends that have been in sexless marriages for years (and they are not saying it to justify affairs, either, I should add) and it amazes me to see people posting here about it as well. I don't think it is as unbelievable and extraordinary as some would like to believe. Mind you, I'm not saying all MM/MW are telling the truth about sexless marriages and I'm not saying it should justify an affair, but I think perhaps more than some may believe. Sexless marriages do occur. Many of the current single OWs in the forum were themselves in sexless marriages so that is the perspective they have. I have been married twice and never went without sex for more than a week. So my perspective is different. I even had sex with my ex-wife after we were divorced! Nevertheless, there are couples that hardly ever have sex. These are generally dysfunctional couples where the emotional needs are neglected. There are few take home messages here: When a cheating married man is on the prowl he will generally use the "no sex at home" card. These are very powerful words to the receptive prospective single OW. It does not really matter whether the "no sex" is true or not. In essence it is the universal message of saying "I am available to you". The single AP will never know for sure because all they have are the words of the cheating spouse. Many claim to know everything that goes on inside the marriage, but in reality they don't. But, it is a moot point to know or not to know as long as both parties are willing to initiate the EMR. In the end it is rationalization. The other point to consider: IF a MW says "my H is not interested in having sex with me" I accept that as the universal "welcome card", but this also means: "I do not turn my husband on". So in the end it takes two people to have a sexless marriage. Next time your MM says "I get no sex" it may simply mean that he is a lousy H that does not turn his wife on. But, in the end it does not matter. It is just one more excuse and for me I admit it is gratifying to hear an MOW say "I get no sex at home". Those words are magical when looking for the perfect EMR. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I have a VERY high libido I have yet not found an OW in the forum that did not have a high libido. And some of them are in their 60s. God bless them!!:laugh: 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 A psychologistI dated for over four years and told me that there are a lot of sexless (or very low sex) marriages out there, more than one would think. This was in reference to a discussion about a marriage where the man was having an affair (wife didn't know about it) and no sex with wife. It happens. (in this instance the wife ended up leaving the husband and found a wonderful man to marry, ended up very happy). However, I'm sure there are men who will have sex with both W and OW. Not sure I'd want to be the wife whose husband was having an affair and lots of sex with me at home! What a loser! Think I'd rather he keep it in the affair if he was going to have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 I have yet not found an OW in the forum that did not have a high libido. And some of them are in their 60s. God bless them!!:laugh: I was responding to another poster saying she had a low one. I even had one during my marriage, even at the worst of times. (B/c of the way I was raised, I DID believe that you don't have affairs, you don't go outside of your marriage, you do it with who you made your vows to. So even though I couldn't even stand to see his face at times, I played the hand that I was dealt and had sex with now exH on a very regular basis b/c I needed sex. I figured it was better than cheating. I guess I settled even back then. Go figure!) Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I was in one of those sexless marriages. When I felt my marriage was done, but I had not yet worked up the courage to file for divorce, I stopped the physical part of our relationship as it felt like a lie. This went on for over a year. My exMM claimed he hadn't had sex in months before our PA started. He even would say the date of the last sexual encounter with his W...Jan 20, 2011. I believed him for a while, based on my own experience in a dead marriage. When he confessed that his marriage wasn't dead, I immediately flipped out on him about his claims of a sexless existence with her and the fact that I no longer considered our relationship sexually monogamous. To this day he still claims he hasn't had sex with her. I don't believe him...at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I was responding to another poster saying she had a low one. I even had one during my marriage, even at the worst of times. (B/c of the way I was raised, I DID believe that you don't have affairs, you don't go outside of your marriage, you do it with who you made your vows to. So even though I couldn't even stand to see his face at times, I played the hand that I was dealt and had sex with now exH on a very regular basis b/c I needed sex. I figured it was better than cheating. I guess I settled even back then. Go figure!) God bless you! :cool:Most women need to have their emotional needs fulfilled before they are receptive for sex. Nevertheless, there are women with male type libidos that are purely based on biology. Women like that are priceless. I also know of couples that were having sex 5 times a day at the onset and three years later were sexless. OTOH, there are couples that go 1-2 week at the onset and keep that up for a lifetime. Everybody is different. I think the "I have a high sex drive" statement becomes part of the standard opening remarks of many OWs in the board to present justifications for the affair. IN reality, the reasons are much more complex than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 I was saying you are getting your married man all sexed up before he walks into the door with his wife. I know exactly what you were implying, but this post isn't even about my situation. I've never implied that my MM suggested anything of the sort about a sexless marriage. I only posted this thread b/c I saw the comment on another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 God bless you! :cool:Most women need to have their emotional needs fulfilled before they are receptive for sex. Nevertheless, there are women with male type libidos that are purely based on biology. Women like that are priceless. I also know of couples that were having sex 5 times a day at the onset and three years later were sexless. OTOH, there are couples that go 1-2 week at the onset and keep that up for a lifetime. Everybody is different. I think the "I have a high sex drive" statement becomes part of the standard opening remarks of many OWs in the board to present justifications for the affair. IN reality, the reasons are much more complex than that. I'll be the last to try to offer justifications for me having a relationship with a MM. There is no justification. ExH did say there was a short time that we were sexless...but that's kind of doctors orders after having a baby so...yeah...duh. LOL I think after babies was the longest we ever went and even then generally didn't wait the entire 6 weeks as ordered. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I'll be the last to try to offer justifications for me having a relationship with a MM. There is no justification. ExH did say there was a short time that we were sexless...but that's kind of doctors orders after having a baby so...yeah...duh. LOL I think after babies was the longest we ever went and even then generally didn't wait the entire 6 weeks as ordered. :laugh::laugh:You are just like my wife. High libido is priceless! Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 The single AP will never know for sure because all they have are the words of the cheating spouse. Many claim to know everything that goes on inside the marriage, but in reality they don't. But, it is a moot point to know or not to know as long as both parties are willing to initiate the EMR. In the end it is rationalization. . I think you meant "if" rather than "because". The former implies that the argument holds under the specified condition (the MM being the only source of info for the OW), which is probably accurate. The latter claims that the condition (the MM being the only source of info for the OW) is always true, and must necessarily be so. Which is clearly not true - there are OW who are close friends and confidantes of the BW who may have heard from the BW that the M is sexless. There are OW who are family members of the BW and may similarly have had those concerns shared with them. There are OWs who have shared houses with the couple. There are OWs who have many other kinds of links (social, familial, professional, etc) that may allow them access to that information (whether ethical or otherwise). Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 That was my comment and if you recall its to a woman 1700 from her MM that communicates via skype, etc.... and swears everything from the guys mouth is the gospel truth- Can I ask, if your MM is sleeping with his wife why does that not bother you-when did you decide you were not worth a sexually exclusive relationship-? I actually didn't read the entire thread and don't remember what thread it was on or who posted it. Sorry! I just remember seeing that sentence and thinking...hmmm...no...that's not right, actually! As for the question, as stupid as this sounds, I'd rather not talk about their sex life, whatever it may be. It's really not my story to tell. And I've never consciously made the decision that I wasn't worth exclusivity or being the one that he shares his life with, etc. I'll be honest, like I said at the beginning, I never thought it out or how hard this would be at the beginning, I just jumped in with both feet and didn't think about it, in so many aspects. By then I was too far in and loved him and yes, I'm too weak/stupid/selfish (whatever you want to call me) at this point to give him up. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I want to add that for most women sex is not the true reason for cheating (even when they have a high libido). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I keep seeing this and just saw someone else on another thread tell someone they were crazy if they thought this was true. I know a lot of MM/MW may say this, from what I have read here. I know SO many people irl in sexless marriages, I'm not sure why people do not believe this. That's the only thing my exH and I were good at but I have many friends that have been in sexless marriages for years (and they are not saying it to justify affairs, either, I should add) and it amazes me to see people posting here about it as well. I don't think it is as unbelievable and extraordinary as some would like to believe. Mind you, I'm not saying all MM/MW are telling the truth about sexless marriages and I'm not saying it should justify an affair, but I think perhaps more than some may believe. My H and his xW were indeed in a sexless M. I'm sure many would love to believe otherwise, but since I know that as fact such opinions really don't matter, any more than the perverse conviction by some that the world is flat makes no difference to me. Some people will cling to convenient myths because it helps them get through the day. They are so deeply invested in be Irving the fantasy that no amount of evidence can convince them else wise. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I want to add that for most women sex is not the true reason for cheating (even when they have a high libido). Nor for many men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 LOL, that is what almost every single OW has said, who have graced these forums. They have a high libido. Their MM/W have a high libido. The rate of their libido is a perfect match. If there was a checklist for affairs, high libido would be on the top. That's nice. I'm only telling my story and not for any justification. My libido was like that since I was first married many, many years ago and I never slept with anyone other than my now exH in that almost two decades of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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