LDR and Mental Illness

[Chris516]

I am wondering if anyone else has an SO with mental illness? When my SO gets depressed, she will not communicate. I have told her repeatedly, how much she has done for me, even with her mental illness. I remind her how she has cared about me leaps n' bounds ahead anything my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance ever did combined or individually.

 

I know comparing past relationships to my SO is not necessarily good. But it is the only way I can think of, in order to remind her how good she is to me.

 

Another added positive about my SO is, we don't argue at all. I relish hearing her voice.

 

Below is a link to a thread of the situation similar to mine, but it is from 2011

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/299960-ldr-mental-illness

[cerridwen]

How long are these periods of non-communication?

[Chris516]

How long are these periods of non-communication?

 

Sometimes as much as two weeks. But it is usually due to my SO feeling guilty about having a mental illness.

[cerridwen]

Sometimes as much as two weeks. But it is usually due to my SO feeling guilty about having a mental illness.

 

I see.

So is your question what more can you do?

Reassuring her is likely the only thing you can do from afar.

You've done that repeatedly, yes?

Then it's hers to either accept or reject.

 

Careful to keep a healthy balance of knowing what's hers (any unwillingness to accept your support) and what's yours (the gesture of letting her know it's okay).

If she's unwilling/unable to accept support there's precious little you can do without tipping that balance and making the situation stressful and unhealthy for you.

It sounds like you've been very compassionate and understanding.

My suggestion would be to ask her what she needs (continued silence or time to get used to the idea of support) the decide if you can live with it.

 

How long have you been together?

Maybe she's still adjusting to the idea she need not hide herself away from you.

Is she taking medication and seeing a psychotherapist?

If so, it's a more promising situation and she may come around to accepting your help.

[Chris516]

I see.

So is your question what more can you do?

Reassuring her is likely the only thing you can do from afar.

You've done that repeatedly, yes?

Then it's hers to either accept or reject.

 

Careful to keep a healthy balance of knowing what's hers (any unwillingness to accept your support) and what's yours (the gesture of letting her know it's okay).

If she's unwilling/unable to accept support there's precious little you can do without tipping that balance and making the situation stressful and unhealthy for you.

It sounds like you've been very compassionate and understanding.

My suggestion would be to ask her what she needs (continued silence or time to get used to the idea of support) the decide if you can live with it.

 

How long have you been together?

Maybe she's still adjusting to the idea she need not hide herself away from you.

Is she taking medication and seeing a psychotherapist?

If so, it's a more promising situation and she may come around to accepting your help.

I was looking for other couples here, where an SO has a mental illness and how they have approached the situation. That is why I linked the thread from two years ago.

 

We have been in an LDR, for six years. She was seeing a therapist/psychologist, years before I met her. She is not on medication. She did try a medication for a short while during the summer, several years ago. She had to stop the medication because of side affects. She has not been on a medication since then. Unless she hasn't told me(which I think is very unlikely).

Edited July 26, 2013 by Chris516

[justwhoiam]

I am wondering if anyone else has an SO with mental illness?

No. He sometimes says he's depressed, but never been diagnosed with it. I guess it's more about situations letting him down.

 

I have told her repeatedly, how much she has done for me

What has she done?

 

she has cared about me leaps n' bounds ahead anything my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance ever did combined or individually.

I don't know about your ex wife and/or fiancée(s). But I guess they were not LD, while your gf now is. And I know that I could do much more if I were not LD compared to being LD.

 

Another added positive about my SO is, we don't argue at all. I relish hearing her voice.

For what you have described so far, she might be very passive, which is not a good thing per se. And not arguing while being LD doesn't mean you're not going to argue if you start living together.

 

Sorry I can't be of much help. Maybe you could talk to the doctor who follows her therapy and ask him for advice on how to approach this problem with her and if it's even worth approaching it, or better left as it is.

[Chris516]

No. He sometimes says he's depressed, but never been diagnosed with it. I guess it's more about situations letting him down.

Okay

What has she done?

She has done things for me, that I didn't even ask for. She bought me expensive sunglasses to protect my eyes. She bought me very good ear protection, far better than the junk at Home Depot when I was working with power tools, and an air filtration mask like the one Denise Richard used in the James Bond serial 'The World Is Not Enough', as Dr. Christmas Jones. So I wouldn't inhale wood particles while cutting would with the power tools.

 

I don't know about your ex wife and/or fiancée(s). But I guess they were not LD, while your gf now is. And I know that I could do much more if I were not LD compared to being LD.

They were not LD. That is the thing. My (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance didn't come anywhere near close, to what my fiance has done for me, even though I lived with them.

For what you have described so far, she might be very passive, which is not a good thing per se. And not arguing while being LD doesn't mean you're not going to argue if you start living together.

If anyone is 'passive', it is me, not her. Because of how I have approached her mental health. I told her early on, to not use her mental health against me, which is what my (ex)fiance did. I also told her early on, to not repeat what my (ex)wife did. Because my (ex)wife was intentionally ignorant about my health. She couldn't cope with my physical health, or hers. So, Whenever my fiance hears about something wrong with my health, she cares immeasurably by her concern. My (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance never cared as much.

Sorry I can't be of much help. Maybe you could talk to the doctor who follows her therapy and ask him for advice on how to approach this problem with her and if it's even worth approaching it, or better left as it is.

Well, I try to remind myself of two things. While deployed members of the U.S. military may be able to communicate daily(deployed military have access to e-mail), it can also be a situation where they don't communicate for months because of military maneuvers. The other was a program on the U.S. cable channel A&E titled 'Prison Wives', where even though the women were married to men that were sentenced to LWOP(Life WithOut Parole). The illustration of both those examples is, feeling like I am being petty about the times we don't communicate.

Edited July 27, 2013 by Chris516

[lamaga]

The guy I dated for two months and who had to go back to his home country, and I, didn't go into an LDR, but I still love him and he told me that we will stay in touch as much as we can (which we did for the first two weeks, we skyped every single day)... I mean, he is VERY BUSY writing his dissertation and he also suffers from clinical depression and several other disorders, and I already know from when we were dating while he was here, he can be dissociative and withdrawn from anything but his work..

I haven't talked to him on sykpe in 2 weeks now and sometimes it is driving me insane.

Given that that was the only thing we had, since he doesn't like texting or emailing (he writes all day at work, then doesnt feel like emailing, doesnt have the strength to write up something nice)

 

When I do get emails from him they are formal sounding, unromantic and apologetic. He cares about me a lot but doesn't know how to make this work.

 

With him it feels he is only capable of showing his romantic feelings and emotions for me physically, when we are together and with nice little gestures and his polite demeanor. But when he is far away, it's like he is a ghost.

 

It's so so so hard.. but I do believe that once he comes back in 5 months we might have another shot at it.

 

It's just a difficult period in my life, concerning my love life, I guess.

So, what I think is, reassurance is missing in those moments.

And that's what makes it so hard.

At least for me.

 

I can just hold on to what we had and hope we will have it again, in the meantime live my life..

[Chris516]

The guy I dated for two months and who had to go back to his home country, and I, didn't go into an LDR, but I still love him and he told me that we will stay in touch as much as we can (which we did for the first two weeks, we skyped every single day)... I mean, he is VERY BUSY writing his dissertation and he also suffers from clinical depression and several other disorders, and I already know from when we were dating while he was here, he can be dissociative and withdrawn from anything but his work..

I haven't talked to him on sykpe in 2 weeks now and sometimes it is driving me insane.

Given that that was the only thing we had, since he doesn't like texting or emailing (he writes all day at work, then doesnt feel like emailing, doesnt have the strength to write up something nice)

 

When I do get emails from him they are formal sounding, unromantic and apologetic. He cares about me a lot but doesn't know how to make this work.

 

With him it feels he is only capable of showing his romantic feelings and emotions for me physically, when we are together and with nice little gestures and his polite demeanor. But when he is far away, it's like he is a ghost.

 

It's so so so hard.. but I do believe that once he comes back in 5 months we might have another shot at it.

 

It's just a difficult period in my life, concerning my love life, I guess.

So, what I think is, reassurance is missing in those moments.

And that's what makes it so hard.

At least for me.

 

I can just hold on to what we had and hope we will have it again, in the meantime live my life..

 

Thanks, That is kind of what I meant by others sort of being in my situation. Does he have Dissociative Identity Disorder?(you said he was dissociative sometimes)

 

My fiance's only health problem is mental. Not severely, but she has a lot of guilt about it.

[lamaga]

Thanks, That is kind of what I meant by others sort of being in my situation. Does he have Dissociative Identity Disorder?(you said he was dissociative sometimes)

 

My fiance's only health problem is mental. Not severely, but she has a lot of guilt about it.

 

No, I don't think so, I know he suffers from clinical depression, insomnia, OCD and increased hypersensitivity.

He's a workaholic, highly empathetic, very emotional.

But I think to maintain control over the depression and to not show too many symptoms to me and/or the people around him, and to also stay focused for his work, he has his mechanisms and techniques, so he can function and get things done.. I guess one of them is to block out all emotional relationships so nothing gets in his way.

 

This is so difficult for me, since I suffer from BPD, but it's an interesting experiment, I guess, at least for me, to see if my love for him prevails in our situation, and if he will come back to me in 5 months.

 

I can do nothing but wait. If i stress him now, I will probably push him away. I am trying to be so supportive, even though it is really really difficult.

 

I think that if she is not on medication, like you wrote, it is possible for her to have even bigger problems dealing with the illness and suppressing it, to maintain CONTROL and to stay sharp, etc. I know from my guy that he is very OCD about his everyday routine, it's the only way he can function.

And no matter how much he cares for me and how much he wants to be there for me, he can't at the time and is very very insistent in his decisions.

[FitChick]

Have you actually met this woman? If so, how many days have you spent together in the past six years? Which one of you will be moving and when?

[Chris516]

Have you actually met this woman? If so, how many days have you spent together in the past six years? Which one of you will be moving and when?

 

Yes, We did meet, back in 2008. I have been out there a bunch of times. I would prefer that it is me that moves because I like it out there. Also, Her mother told me once, that she would prefer she stays near them. My fiance wants that at present, because of her elderly parents'. That is fine with me. I just want to get out there.

[justwhoiam]

If anyone is 'passive', it is me, not her. Because of how I have approached her mental health. I told her early on, to not use her mental health against me, which is what my (ex)fiance did. I also told her early on, to not repeat what my (ex)wife did.

Sorry, but I don't see this as passive on your part. You dictated the rules, she just had to follow them. And she did. She in turn never had any requirements, so it seems. That makes her passive. And you leading.

 

Well, I try to remind myself of two things. While deployed members of the U.S. military may be able to communicate daily(deployed military have access to e-mail), it can also be a situation where they don't communicate for months because of military maneuvers. The other was a program on the U.S. cable channel A&E titled 'Prison Wives', where even though the women were married to men that were sentenced to LWOP(Life WithOut Parole). The illustration of both those examples is, feeling like I am being petty about the times we don't communicate.

Sorry, but you can't compare your situation to forced non communication. I don't know how severe/serious her depression is, but it looks like you said it's not so serious or debilitating.

[Chris516]

Sorry, but I don't see this as passive on your part. You dictated the rules, she just had to follow them. And she did. She in turn never had any requirements, so it seems. That makes her passive. And you leading.

I only told her, what behavior I would not put up with from my past experience. That wasn't dictating the rules for 'the' relationship, but my 'emotional requirements' from past experiences, that I wouldn't put with again.

Sorry, but you can't compare your situation to forced non communication. I don't know how severe/serious her depression is, but it looks like you said it's not so serious or debilitating.

I don't think of my situation as 'forced' non-communication. Her mental illness is serious to her, but not to me. Yes she does have guilt about her mental illness, but I continually remind her, how good she is to me, mental illness n' all.

[Chris516]

No, I don't think so, I know he suffers from clinical depression, insomnia, OCD and increased hypersensitivity.

He's a workaholic, highly empathetic, very emotional.

But I think to maintain control over the depression and to not show too many symptoms to me and/or the people around him, and to also stay focused for his work, he has his mechanisms and techniques, so he can function and get things done.. I guess one of them is to block out all emotional relationships so nothing gets in his way.

Ok. My fiance has OCD, too. Yes, She does have depression in the form of guilt about her OCD. She has never been diagnosed with Clinical Depression.

This is so difficult for me, since I suffer from BPD, but it's an interesting experiment, I guess, at least for me, to see if my love for him prevails in our situation, and if he will come back to me in 5 months.

Is BPD in your case, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Bi-Polar Disorder?

I can do nothing but wait. If I stress him now, I will probably push him away. I am trying to be so supportive, even though it is really really difficult.

True

I think that if she is not on medication, like you wrote, it is possible for her to have even bigger problems dealing with the illness and suppressing it, to maintain CONTROL and to stay sharp, etc. I know from my guy that he is very OCD about his everyday routine, it's the only way he can function.

And no matter how much he cares for me and how much he wants to be there for me, he can't at the time and is very very insistent in his decisions.

I do know, that when she gets ready to go out the door, what takes me an hour(shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth), can take her as much as two hours.