Is it possible to love and hate your spouse at the same time?

[Aslanbek]

I have come to the realization that I hate my wife. We have had a bad marriage for countless years, but recently it has taken a turn for the worse. It's really a low-intensity war with two people barely tolerating each other living sullen lives in a home we can't leave for family and financial reasons. I didn't ever want to get to this point, but I truly do hate her. But I still also love her - I am still attracted to her, she is the only person I have ever loved, and we have children together. What an intractable, horrible situation it is.

 

Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

[mano]

Yea. They say love n hate are quite close to each other. Very intense feelings

[GorillaTheater]

I wouldn't say the "hate" part is entirely unusual in a long relationship; I've certainly been there at times. It's not healthy, obvilusly, but not as unhealthy as indifference. When you get to that point, that's when you know your relationship is on life support and sinking fast.

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

I have come to the realization that I hate my wife. We have had a bad marriage for countless years, but recently it has taken a turn for the worse. It's really a low-intensity war with two people barely tolerating each other living sullen lives in a home we can't leave for family and financial reasons. I didn't ever want to get to this point, but I truly do hate her. But I still also love her - I am still attracted to her, she is the only person I have ever loved, and we have children together. What an intractable, horrible situation it is.

 

Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

 

Then you both have stagnated and let reciprocal issues get the better of the relationship. It's time for counseling if you really love each other.

[Lost_Soul_86]

You know i was thinking this just yesterday...there's a fine line between love and hate.

I'm certain your not the only one that feels this way about your ex because i too feel this way, i hate him but at the same time ill always love him, and after all the ****ty things hes ever said and done to me i sit hear and ask myself...why?

[Aslanbek]

Then you both have stagnated and let reciprocal issues get the better of the relationship. It's time for counseling if you really love each other.

 

She won't go to counseling.

[MsShelleH]

my husband wouldnt either...

 

but, u r at a "come to jesus" meeting time...TALK TO HER>>>maybe u can negotiate a plan to make things better together. when one person is that unhappy---both people surely have some problems to address.

 

a plan to change and fix things doesnt always have to be by a doctor/counselor...we CAN fix ourselves too--if we want to.

[KathyM]

If you have asked her to go to counseling and she has refused, then go yourself. Sometimes changes in one person will bring about changes in the other. Also, it's possible that when your wife sees that you have changed, she may be inclined to join you in joint marital counseling when she sees that you are making the effort. I think it's worth the try. Don't continue the status quo and let your marriage to further deteriorate. Time to take action.

[pink_sugar]

I think it is. I often feel this way. Sometimes I hate him for what I have gone through do to his lack of good judgement and bag decisions that have affected both of us. But also at the same time, I know he is a good person and loves me, but I hate his behavior sometimes when it comes to certain things, it's childish.

[TaraMaiden]

Hate and Love reside in the same part of the brain.

 

So yes, it's possible to have conflicting feelings.

 

If she feels indifferent towards you, then you need to seriously consider moving away or at least separating.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

She won't go to counseling.

 

I agree with the suggestion that you go anyway.

 

But...sometimes when we suggest to our spouse they'd I something they are reluctant.

 

However....if you say, I love you, and I want to help resolve the problems we are having, because I am desperately unhappy, and I am have angry feelings towards you that I want to resolve. If you are unwilling to work with me to get better then I will need to think about divorce because it is not heathy for us to live like this.

 

See so many times someone says the talked to the spouse about how unhappy they are but they never ACTUALLY SAY its a deal breaker.

 

Say it, in plain words. Give her a chance to think about it. It's either therapy and a potential to stay married, or it's divorce....

[orionboxing]

I experienced it with my ex-wife who I divorced last November.

 

I would have periods of looking at her in absolute disgust...then I would have sexual fantasies about her in a dream.

 

She'd be miserable for no reason and I would have to leave the room to escape her anger she'd project at me. Then, we'd be a party together and I'd see her across the room, and I would literally run across the room to hug and kiss her.

 

The night we separated, we were screaming at each other...then the next morning we cried and hugged...sort of symbolizing this weird appreciation we had for each other.

 

Now that we've been divorced for nine months, I will see photos of her and hate her. Then, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of her, and I'll start tearing up and remembering how much I really did love her.

 

I wonder if she feels the same way...but I guess she really doesn't because I think engagement to her new man is probably only a couple of months away!

[findingnemo]

I believe it is possible...especially when you are not compatible, when you don't share the same values, the same interests and hobbies. It happens when one party changes over time, or if a spouse discovers that the person they married and the person they dated are two different people.

 

You need counseling. Tell her that unless she agrees, you will file for divorce...and mean it. Why do you feel you can't leave her?

[Aslanbek]

Hate and Love reside in the same part of the brain.

 

So yes, it's possible to have conflicting feelings.

 

If she feels indifferent towards you, then you need to seriously consider moving away or at least separating.

 

We have kids, so me moving away is not an option. Separation and divorce are options only if there is a fair resolution in terms of custody. Being a man, I fear that this is not going to happen.

[Aslanbek]

I believe it is possible...especially when you are not compatible, when you don't share the same values, the same interests and hobbies. It happens when one party changes over time, or if a spouse discovers that the person they married and the person they dated are two different people.

 

You need counseling. Tell her that unless she agrees, you will file for divorce...and mean it. Why do you feel you can't leave her?

 

There are too many complicated and convoluted financial things going on, including the fact that we can't afford two households.

And I'm not going to be a mere visitor in the lives of my kids.

Edited July 31, 2013 by Aslanbek

[TaraMaiden]

Well in that case, your question is answered.

Yes, you can love AND hate someone at the same time.

As to the rest of it, I personally believe there is always more than one answer or choice to any situation, and you seem to have found yours.

 

You stay together and keep love/hating her.

[Aslanbek]

Well in that case, your question is answered.

Yes, you can love AND hate someone at the same time.

As to the rest of it, I personally believe there is always more than one answer or choice to any situation, and you seem to have found yours.

 

You stay together and keep love/hating her.

 

I don't want to stay in this type of relationship; the fact is that I'm stuck.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not.

you've CHOSEN to remain stuck.

There are avenues open to you, but you refuse to entertain them as viable options.

Therefore, you've chosen to remain where you are.

[Aslanbek]

No, you're not.

you've CHOSEN to remain stuck.

There are avenues open to you, but you refuse to entertain them as viable options.

Therefore, you've chosen to remain where you are.

 

There aren't any viable options.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

There aren't any viable options.

 

Couple questions if you are inclined ...cause situations are rarely without options.

 

1. Do you do counseling? You said no MC. But what about IC?

2. Have you talked about the hostility? Going to counseling to resolve and co-live? Do you know why it's happening or not? Are one or both of you cheating? (Even if you are not solving the issues to better the marriage you can resolve the stress)

3. I get the dual household issue. Are you both working?

4. Do you live in US? Standard custody is 50/50 nowadays. Just a thought.

[Aslanbek]

Couple questions if you are inclined ...cause situations are rarely without options.

 

1. Do you do counseling? You said no MC. But what about IC?

2. Have you talked about the hostility? Going to counseling to resolve and co-live? Do you know why it's happening or not? Are one or both of you cheating? (Even if you are not solving the issues to better the marriage you can resolve the stress)

3. I get the dual household issue. Are you both working?

4. Do you live in US? Standard custody is 50/50 nowadays. Just a thought.

 

1. I have done years of IC on and off. Right now I don't have a counselor. IC has helped me put up with her nasty, vindictive, split personality, but it is getting harder and harder for me to do this.

 

2. We've talked about it a lot, especially when she goes through one of her rages. No, I am not cheating, though I wish I could. I don't know if she is cheating or not. She wants a divorce, but she doesn't want to split anything. She thinks if I disappeared, her life would be wonderful.

 

3. We both work, though the only way we were able to live in our high-priced area was that a. we both worked and b. she makes a whole lot more than I do.

 

4. I have spoken to lawyers; they say that joint custody is possible but they can't assure me that I would get joint custody as there is still bias against men in the "family" court system. I also don't think one night a week and two weekends a month is a fair description of "joint custody," and I refuse to accept anything other than a fair split down the middle.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

1. I have done years of IC on and off. Right now I don't have a counselor. IC has helped me put up with her nasty, vindictive, split personality, but it is getting harder and harder for me to do this.

Fair enough

 

2. We've talked about it a lot, especially when she goes through one of her rages. No, I am not cheating, though I wish I could. I don't know if she is cheating or not. She wants a divorce, but she doesn't want to split anything. She thinks if I disappeared, her life would be wonderful.

. Divorce splits even if she doesn't want to...

Why not legal separation and open the marriage? Become official roommates.

 

3. We both work, though the only way we were able to live in our high-priced area was that a. we both worked and b. she makes a whole lot more than I do.

 

4. I have spoken to lawyers; they say that joint custody is possible but they can't assure me that I would get joint custody as there is still bias against men in the "family" court system. I also don't think one night a week and two weekends a month is a fair description of "joint custody," and I refuse to accept anything other than a fair split down the middle

Don't know what state you are in, no GUARANTEE but most states require a reason to not split 50/50 because its in the best interests of the children.

[Aslanbek]

Fair enough

 

 

. Divorce splits even if she doesn't want to...

 

Yes, no doubt, but it will be hell getting to that point because she doesn't want me to get anything out of this.

 

Why not legal separation and open the marriage? Become official roommates.

 

I'm way too jealous. I don't want her flaunting some new man in my face, and I also don't want her bringing some man near my kids. The only way I'll be comfortable with her having someone else is if they're far, far away from me and the kids are grown. Before you say I'm a douche or control freak, I'll just reiterate that I'm not the one pushing for a breakup.

 

 

 

 

Don't know what state you are in, no GUARANTEE but most states require a reason to not split 50/50 because its in the best interests of the children.

 

Yeah.......I just can't accept anything less, and like I said, it will be hard for us to be able to afford two places.

[TaraMaiden]

Those are all viable options.

They're 'viable options' you have CHOSEN to not select.

Therefore, you have CHOSEN to remain in this situation.

 

Really, you now have two "new" choices:

 

Either learn to accept that this is what you have chosen to do, and basically, not moan about it, (because we have put different options in front of you, and you've argued every one of them, so I really don't know what it is you want, here) or, decide that you ARE going to do something about it, do some concrete, solid, legal research with regard to divorce/separation/custody/division of joint property, goods & chattels, and action some kind of movement to end this farce.

 

There are only two things in life over which we have no choice: Birth and Death.

 

Everything in between is a result of conscious decision.

Whether you believe you've chosen it or not, this is where you find yourself, because this is what you HAVE chosen to do.

 

You CAN change your choices.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm way too jealous. I don't want her flaunting some new man in my face, and I also don't want her bringing some man near my kids. The only way I'll be comfortable with her having someone else is if they're far, far away from me and the kids are grown. Before you say I'm a douche or control freak, I'll just reiterate that I'm not the one pushing for a breakup.

 

Your initial question was can you hate and love someone at the same time...yes...not healthy.

 

But the real issue sounds like...you love her and she wants a divorce. She wants to divorce and you also believe she wants the kids, the house and all the money?

 

We keep telling you that while the later (one wife getting all) rarely happens. There is a minute chance...so you discard that option to live in jealous misery?

 

So you have two choices keep on keeping on...all the known pluses and minuses. You still might end up divorced etc.

 

Or you take steps to emotionally, physically and financially separate from her. Not your kids.

 

Your choice.