She needs time to work on herself and our story

[Babolat]

One thing I don't get, and I told her this weekend I was kind of mad at her, is why is she sharing all the changes with me? She said it's because I am her best friend, and she is just talking, that she is excited. For example she texted me earlier in the week, in a cute and funny way, to tell me she is now using electronic cigarettes, vaping, versus smoking, and she loves it. I got her some of these while were were dating (free samples at a bar one night), though she never tried them. I asked her why she told me that and she said just because you are my friend. I even tried it with her this weekend and liked the taste!

 

I asked her what the end goal was with these. She said she enjoys smoking when she drinks and that she knows smoking is not good for her and she wants to quit, and has been trying. The ones she went with are not cheap; and she does not make a lot of money so I believe her.

 

Me, I analyze it and think she is trying to show me she is changing. Honestly though, I know this girl, that is not her style. She is who she is and I have never seen anything in her that would suggest she is trying to win me over. And if she was, why the sudden decision last night to not see each other again?

 

I feel kind of mad, like why now..why are you making these changes now and not when we were dating?

[KungFuJoe]

I feel kind of mad, like why now..why are you making these changes now and not when we were dating?

 

This is probably one of the most common things said by people after they break up.

[Babolat]

Every time my boyfriend and I have a heavy discussion about our differences and even begin to consider splitting up again (I broke up with him at the beginning of the year, attributing my decision to differences too big to reconcile) – we just can’t do it, don’t want to do it.

 

What's the trigger for these kinds of talks? Do either of you feel anxious about your differences? How often do you have them and how do you conclude them, wrap them up if you will? If you have them more than once doesn't that concern you?

 

He brings out the courageous fighter in me.

 

She tells me thing slike this too; how much better of a person I make her, and help her to be.

 

He advises me on my business, brilliantly, and without asking anything in return.

 

After our breakup she wanted to switch jobs. I encouraged her not to; though after listening to more I changed gears and encouraged her to; so she did, and i can tell it was the right decision for her.

 

I’d been wanting to cut back on my smoking for a while – I was just being lazy and weak, and didn’t have a good reason to cut back. When I’m with him, since he’s “straight”, my desire to smoke is naturally low. He wants to try it for me, but he’s looking for a better job right now and doesn’t want any drug testing results to stand in his way – very responsible of him.

 

Ditto again; she tells me she wants to be more like me, which is one reason she is attracted to me. I too want to try pot again and even smoke it with her, but I can't because of my work. It's strange, I almost feel jealous because she can and I can't. She has never smoked in front of me; she said she would never do that.

[Babolat]

This is probably one of the most common things said by people after they break up.

 

You are right. With her though, she did tell me while we were dating she had plans to change, she was going to change, just not for me and not when I wanted her to. And she told me while we were dating she had made major changes in her drinking and drug use over the prior 10 years. Based on some of her stories about partying long before she met me, I believe her.

 

I guess I am just surprised it started so soon.

[RedRobin]

Perhaps the question you might need to answer for yourself is why you are attracted to someone with so many issues.

 

Lots of people have gone through that 'fix it' stage... the 'if only' he/she didn't do this or that bad habit.

 

It's one thing if you've been committed for years, have children together, or some other compelling reason to continue. Something else entirely in the fairly early stages or before you've made a commitment.

 

Personality differences are one thing.... smoking/drinking/medication issues means she has an addictive personality and is something else entirely.

 

Those tendencies take years to eliminate... not months. And it never goes away 100%. It is something you will always be dealing with... not to mention the underlying issues that compelled her to pick up these habits in the first place.

 

It's up to you how you wish to spend your time...

Edited July 15, 2013 by RedRobin

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just to comment on the "darkness" of the forum: KungFuJoe is certainly not bitter and he is married to the love of his life. Not all or even most of negative advice should be dismissed.

 

In any case, OP has a good head on his shoulders and time will tell him what's the right thing to do.

[Babolat]

Perhaps the question you might need to answer for yourself is why you are attracted to someone with so many issues.

 

Lots of people have gone through that 'fix it' stage... the 'if only' he/she didn't do this or that bad habit.

 

It's one thing if you've been committed for years, have children together, or some other compelling reason to continue. Something else entirely in the fairly early stages or before you've made a commitment.

 

Personality differences are one thing.... smoking/drinking/medication issues means she has an addictive personality and is something else entirely.

 

Those tendencies take years to eliminate... not months. And it never goes away 100%. It is something you will always be dealing with... not to mention the underlying issues that compelled her to pick up these habits in the first place.

 

It's up to you how you wish to spend your time...

 

Hi RedRobin, I am attracted to the beautiful person I see in her, inside and outside

 

She has many admirable qualities and is one of the warmest, most caring woman I have ever been with. She gets me to step out of my box and do and try things I otherwise would not. She studies me, she observes me and she knows me and offers me advice like no other woman ever has.

 

I love her energy, her zest for life, he laugh, her smile, her quirkiness, her affection, how she brings out the affectionate side of me, how she challenges me and much more. She wants her daughter to have a better life than she had growing up and does everything she can to make that happen. She is smart, intelligent, social, passionate about life and she is a survivor. I love the way she touches me, compliments me, encourages me, looks at me, holds me. I love that she is care free and has a free spirit. I love the way she reads to me when she finds an interesting article. She reads ALL the time, which I am attracted to. She is a learner.

 

Yes, she has addiction issues and you are right, she probably always will. She had a very difficult childhood, was raised by multiple folks and turned to drinking and drugs, to feel accepted, at a young age.

 

We dated for 12 months, been apart almost 4 and I still think about her every day, probably every hour. When I see her I melt. When her names pops up on my test I smile.

[RedRobin]

Hi RedRobin, I am attracted to the beautiful person I see in her, inside and outside

 

She has many admirable qualities and is one of the warmest, most caring woman I have ever been with. She gets me to step out of my box and do and try things I otherwise would not. She studies me, she observes me and she knows me and offers me advice like no other woman ever has.

 

I love her energy, her zest for life, he laugh, her smile, her quirkiness, her affection, how she brings out the affectionate side of me, how she challenges me and much more. She wants her daughter to have a better life than she had growing up and does everything she can to make that happen. She is smart, intelligent, social, passionate about life and she is a survivor. I love the way she touches me, compliments me, encourages me, looks at me, holds me. I love that she is care free and has a free spirit. I love the way she reads to me when she finds an interesting article. She reads ALL the time, which I am attracted to. She is a learner.

 

Yes, she has addiction issues and you are right, she probably always will. She had a very difficult childhood, was raised by multiple folks and turned to drinking and drugs, to feel accepted, at a young age.

 

We dated for 12 months, been apart almost 4 and I still think about her every day, probably every hour. When I see her I melt. When her names pops up on my test I smile.

 

Having been around people with addiction issues in the past, it is something I personally choose not to deal with again... but that is just me.

 

A lot of people with addiction issues can be very exciting and charming. It is their spontaneity, curiosity, and seemingly care-free nature that often leads them into this kind of risk taking behavior. Two sides of the sword, as it were.

 

That energy, when properly channeled, is very powerful... but that is the key word there... 'properly channeled'...

 

It is tempting to believe that you can be the one to 'properly channel' it... Or support it, or whatever... but do the math and check the statistics. Depending on the duration, it can be very difficult to overcome.

 

I'm not necessarily dissuading you from this... but just suggesting you do not have any unrealistic fantasies of what you will likely deal with, that's all... should you decide to stay in touch or more.

Edited July 16, 2013 by RedRobin

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't be with another woman sexually and spend time with her; it's just not me. Even prior to us talking I had some opportunities; emotionally, I can't do it. That's probably why I started looking at porn again.

Yeah, you sound like him. He even told me that he started looking at porn again while we were broken up, but he thinks it's bad for him and he wants me to check in with him and help him abstain. Weed is one of my vices. Porn is one of his. We both recognize that they're not all that healthy for us - just crutches we lean on sometimes when we're weak. But we have to get strong individually and choose not to lean on those crutches. We can give each other support, but I don't think you can control this process of getting healthier and mentally clearer for someone else. It has to come from within - whether you're talking about porn, weed, alcohol, TV, food, prozac, shopping, or any other drug or pain reliever.

 

What's the trigger for these kinds of talks? Do either of you feel anxious about your differences? How often do you have them and how do you conclude them, wrap them up if you will? If you have them more than once doesn't that concern you?

I always bring them up. He never complains about anything and is just happy to be together. I'm the one "testing" him. It's always my fears and doubts that bring the heavy discussions about. I'm working on getting my strong emotions under better control. I know that I can accept our differences and love him, or not accept them and part ways. I shouldn't stick around and keep giving him a hard time. Love him as is, or not. He takes me as is, told me he's ready to accept my best and my worst, and his behavior backs that up. I'm lucky he's so patient.

 

Ditto again; she tells me she wants to be more like me, which is one reason she is attracted to me. I too want to try pot again and even smoke it with her, but I can't because of my work. It's strange, I almost feel jealous because she can and I can't. She has never smoked in front of me; she said she would never do that.

I wasn't going to do it, but he encouraged it, I think so he could learn more about it and get comfortable with it. He also has admitted he's jealous I get to have so much fun and he can't because of the possibility of drug testing! He says he can't wait till he's out from under someone else's thumb and is his own boss, so he can do what he wants like me.

 

I appreciate that we talk openly about our habits, both good and not so good. We're very real with each other - no BS.

[Babolat]

I'm not necessarily dissuading you from this... but just suggesting you do not have any unrealistic fantasies of what you will likely deal with, that's all... should you decide to stay in touch or more.

 

You are right.

 

I think her telling me she needs more time to work on herself on her own, while not dating, plus my not wanting to jump back into dating her, feeling anxious about that myself, means we both do not have any unrealistic fantasies about this.

 

Great feedback, thanks.

[Babolat]

I always bring them up. He never complains about anything and is just happy to be together. I'm the one "testing" him. It's always my fears and doubts that bring the heavy discussions about. I'm working on getting my strong emotions under better control. I know that I can accept our differences and love him, or not accept them and part ways. I shouldn't stick around and keep giving him a hard time. Love him as is, or not. He takes me as is, told me he's ready to accept my best and my worst, and his behavior backs that up. I'm lucky he's so patient..

 

I am probably the one who tested us, and brought up the conversations, though it's been her too recently when we get together to talk. She struggles with talking heavy, gets frustrated, and always says that's one thing she likes about me compared to previous relationships; I do not shut down, I am patient with her and I get her to work thru something and talk.

 

She is the one who accepts me, the best and the worst. Sometimes I think it's because she has seen so much "bad" in her life, that it's easier for her to accept that bad and accept people for who they are.

 

Interesting comment. You said "I shouldn't stick around.....Love him as is or not". Do you think about this often, like daily, hourly? Does it cause you stress, anxiety? What do you do to counter your "should" thoughts?

 

Saw my counselor today and we talked about judgement and putting people into "buckets". It's natural for us to to do that. He used the example of walking down an alley and seeing three men with baseball bats. We could jusdge them and say "Hey, they want to play some baseball" or we could judge them and say "This is not a good situation, something bad could happen". So judgement IS good; it's deciding if our judgement was fair and correct after getting to know somebody that's important, and then why did we put them into a bucket to begin with.

 

I have put her into a "bad" bucket; where I think there is something bad about drinking and partying; I even feel guilty when I do it myself. I beat myself up the next day. I have witnessed marriages breaking up because of cheating when folks are drunk, I witnessed physical and emotional abuse with my parents when there was heavy drinking. I have witnessed a lot of people do and say things they ordinarilly would not, when there is heavy drinking. I have also seen and experienced the fun, social side to drinking.

 

He said rather than focus on her being in that bucket now, focus on why I put her there.

[Ruby Slippers]

Interesting comment. You said "I shouldn't stick around.....Love him as is or not". Do you think about this often, like daily, hourly? Does it cause you stress, anxiety? What do you do to counter your "should" thoughts?

My situation is a bit different, because my boyfriend has come right out and said he wants me to move in with him and he wants to marry me, but he understands I want to take my time and make sure we're a good fit before I make that commitment. In spite of our differences, he blows me away as a human being, and a man. The DAY we met, the thought flashed in my mind like a lightning bolt: "This is the man I'm going to marry." That NEVER happened before. He's basically saying, "Here I am. I'm yours if you want me." Now I just have to make the decision.

 

I only feel bad about being conflicted after an argument, almost always initiated by me when I'm worked up emotionally. I think I should get in and be sweet, or get out and stop the fighting. I'm in it for now, working on being calmer and more level-headed when discussing points of friction.

 

I have put her into a "bad" bucket; where I think there is something bad about drinking and partying; I even feel guilty when I do it myself.

My guy sometimes struggles with guilt about having fun of any kind. I think it's all the conservative religious "duty" stuff. I always encourage him to rest and relax, because he works his ass off and needs some down time. But afterward he sometimes chastises himself for "being lazy and unproductive". I tell him it doesn't matter how productive he if he kills himself from stress by 50!

 

I think any kind of judgment boils down to fear. What is simply is - there's really no reason to argue or judge. Accept what is, deal with it, or not.

 

Lately, when I complain or nitpick, my guy says, "Deal with it." I mean, he's right. I need to deal with it or buzz off, basically. He certainly deals with me and my shenanigans all the time!! You and your girl would have to do that, too.

[Babolat]

My situation is a bit different, because my boyfriend has come right out and said he wants me to move in with him and he wants to marry me, but he understands I want to take my time and make sure we're a good fit before I make that commitment.

 

When we were dating, she wanted more of a committment from me. She wanted me to come over to her place more, spend the night more, even if it just meant me doing my stuff for the night, then coming over to sleep, then leaving the next day. She wanted me to stop bringing a bag over, and to leave some of my things behind, at her place, and the same for her stuff at my place. She use to say "I have been further along in other relationships in 2 months then we are in 12 months"

[Ruby Slippers]

When we were dating, she wanted more of a committment from me. She wanted me to come over to her place more, spend the night more, even if it just meant me doing my stuff for the night, then coming over to sleep, then leaving the next day. She wanted me to stop bringing a bag over, and to leave some of my things behind, at her place, and the same for her stuff at my place. She use to say "I have been further along in other relationships in 2 months then we are in 12 months"

Yeah, I never had to wait so long for "I love you". But now that it's out there, it's OUT THERE. Early on, in discussing his emotional reserve, he was like, "Would you rather be with a sweet talker who tells you what you want to hear right now and is gone in 3 months - or me, someone who will take his time really getting to know you, only say I love you once I'm sure, then be there for you for the rest of your life, and take care of you when you get old and sick?"

 

I said I'd rather have both - but I get his point.

[Babolat]

I think any kind of judgment boils down to fear. What is simply is - there's really no reason to argue or judge. Accept what is, deal with it, or not.

 

Your fear comment spoke to me as I have thought this before. I don't know what I am afraid of though. Other "stuff" with previous woman I dated always caused me to leave much earlier than I did with her. Something was different about her though.

 

In the end though, what's not clear to me is "what now?". She has said we should not see each other, implied no contact though we texted briefly last night. If we go full NC then how will we know if her changes are a better fit for us,I am less judgemental and/or she does not feel judged and I feel less anxious and more comfortable?

 

I have spent some time with other woman over the past 3.5 months, no romance, no sex, no intimacy, and I still miss her and think about us. These woman like to drink, I got buzzed on a few occassions with them. One in particular, who I see as a best friend now, will frequently say "I've got a buzz" after a couple of beers. I do not look at them any differently for it...why did I with her?

 

One thing I have noticed, she does not drink beer as she does not like the taste; she drinks wine and liquor. To me, beer is "OK", liquor is different, more bad if you will. She never saw beer as really drinking for me; when I would switch to liquor or start with liquor she got excited.

[Ruby Slippers]

In the end though, what's not clear to me is "what now?". She has said we should not see each other, implied no contact though we texted briefly last night.

It sounds to me like time and space for reflection would be the best thing right now. Time to reflect and tune in with yourself and what's right for you is never a bad thing.

 

I don't think it's bad to have contact - but I'd be conservative with it for now, and give yourself time and space to see what effect it's having on you, positive or negative.

[Babolat]

It sounds to me like time and space for reflection would be the best thing right now. Time to reflect and tune in with yourself and what's right for you is never a bad thing.

 

I don't think it's bad to have contact - but I'd be conservative with it for now, and give yourself time and space to see what effect it's having on you, positive or negative.

 

Good advice.

 

I think someone on here suggested I may be a fixer. I researched this and I do have a lot of the characteristics of a fixer, especially in my 3 LTRs. I don't know why I do this and I am sure to some degree that it's what occured with me and our differences and what I preceived as needing fixed in her.

 

When I read about how the person "being fixed" feels, it reminds me of comments she use to make to me when we dated.

 

I say to some degree, as we do have differences that are big, I just wonder how much "bigger" I made them being the fixer type.

Edited July 16, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Lots of texts from her since she left Sunday..for some reason she is really opening up, sharing deep things I have never heard from her before, sharing what she wants, asking if I am ok with this and that, letting me know how she felt in our relationship (the good and the bad). If I don't reply timely she texts me back asking if I am there....

 

I think she is doing a lot of processing!

 

Ruby, I shared your long reply with her, she said "I like the way she thinks! It's like reading exactly what I would say!"

[Babolat]

We met to talk last night.

 

She repeated to me that she thinks she needs more time to work on her, that she has a lot going on in her head right now. She does not think she should be dating right now, brining her stuff into the relationship. At the same time she says she wants to still see me. I feel the same.

 

She acknowledged that she was going thru a lot of transitions when we met, which I use to tell her. She admits she was drinking too much, partying too much, that she was coming out of a very controlling relationship where she could not see her friends (he was very controlling about her doing things without him and most of the time he would not want to go with her, so she did not see her friends), she was reconnecting with all of them when she met me (she moved back to her hometown post breakup with him) and that that was selfish. But, she wanted to do it and had to do it, she wanted to do it as these friends are very importnat to her. I agree, she had to do it.

 

We talked about both of us being codependent and "fixers".

 

We talked about her drinking, some events while dating that bothered me; she apologized and states she was selfish, she knows that now, and it's actually me talking to her about that and about her transition while we were dating that helped her realize that. She states she has no desire to drink and party like she did then and has slowed way down already. She says as she looks back on our 12 months togetherr she now understands my concerns, and agreed they were valid and made sense.

 

I agreed with her, that she needs time to work on her, I need time to work on me. We both agreed we have a strong pull towards each other, unlike any person in our past. We both agreed there is something about our breakup that just feels wrong; like we should be together though maybe the timing is not right.

 

She feels selfish for wanting to see me, and I feel the same. We spent the night together, no sex for the first time, said our goodbyes this morning and left it there.

 

I am not sure I can go full NC with her as it just does not feel right. She feels the same. Will it keep me emotionally invested? Probably, though right now I am OK with that. If, in the future, I feel I need to go NC because of the emotional attachment, I will.

 

If, in the future she feels "good" on her own and expresses an interest in dating again, and I am not dating and I feel good on my own, I welcome that opportunity!

[Babolat]

An update for those following:

 

We did not talk or text since seeing each other last Wednesday. She texted me yesterday asking for some clarity to 2 of my comments last Wednesday. Too much texting so she asked to meet to talk, and we did. During the texting I did vent on her for how I felt about her binge drinking while we dated, like really vented. I told her I have no desire to have that in my life. She actually said "thank you for getting that out", which shocked me. And she repeartedly said "I am not drinking like that now".

 

We met after work yesterday, talked, it felt real good to see her again. I pulled up to my house, she was already there and did not see me, she was walking across my lawn, and I just gazed at her with a big warm smile on my face thinking how beautiful she is.

 

I can't explain this, but I see a changed/changing woman. She continues to talk about the transitions she was going thru when we met,/dated that the past 4+ months of us not dating she has slowed way down, wants to, likes her changes and even considered reconcile talks last Wednesday.

 

She seems more settled, difficult to explain. And when we dated she use to tell me she did not party/drink like she did with us in her previous relationship, that she did not know why she was with us. She thinks it has to do with feeling free, no longer "under the control" of her ex, reconnecting with long tiem friends and family, coming off a large does of an Anxiety medication on her own (she did not ween herself off like she should have).

 

The verdict is still out. I do not want to start dating her again and she has not expressed an interest to date me again. I have dinner plans with 2 different female friends this week, which I plan to keep; and I am not making plans with her.

 

I do think the 4+ months apart has caused her to do a lot of thinking about herself. Same for me.

[Babolat]

Update: She came over Saturday and we went to a sporting event she had tickets for. We then went to a bar to see a band play we both like. This was a BIG test if you will as last time there she got drunk and I had to baby sit her.

 

She drank in moderation and paced herself. She also smoked her e-cigarette, and has pretty much completely stopped smoking. SHE was the one who wanted to leave early as we had plans the next day. I was pleasantly surprised, and again, I am seeing changes in her that I know she is doing for herself.

 

Yesterday we did something we never did while dating...went out to a local restaurant, had a drink outside on their patio, in the middle of the day. I do this with my other friendsfrom time to time, but never did with her. It was very nice..one drink we stopped and left. In the past I think she would have wanted to keep drinking. We grilled out and had another drink, and that was it. Again, in the past that would have turned into many drinks.

[bcm235]

This scenario is very familiar to me. However i am the partying one and my recent ex was not. Im 28 she was 23. She has never been into the clubbing or partying scene. One thing she made me realise was that i needed more hobbies. Which i have been exploring. Indeed all i used to do was go to pubs and clubs. However i got sick of her making me out to be the worse person in the world (even worse than her ex before me who hit her often! Her words). I think you need a balance. I am very sociable and i need to meet someone similar. Though this didnt split us it would not have taken long for it to.

[Babolat]

This scenario is very familiar to me. However i am the partying one and my recent ex was not. Im 28 she was 23. She has never been into the clubbing or partying scene. One thing she made me realise was that i needed more hobbies. Which i have been exploring. Indeed all i used to do was go to pubs and clubs. However i got sick of her making me out to be the worse person in the world (even worse than her ex before me who hit her often! Her words). I think you need a balance. I am very sociable and i need to meet someone similar. Though this didnt split us it would not have taken long for it to.

 

Good point, and that is another thing I see her doing. She is getting more active in other things. She has a garden, she joined the gym, she is volunteering more, we went kayaking yesterday, I asked her if she would mountain bike with me and she said yes, she changed jobs and seems very active, engaged and excited with her new job. She has a director level role with one of the local chamber of commerces (all volunteer time).

 

Last night we were sitting on my porch, she was vaping with her e-cigarette. I asked her if it truly replaced smoking and she quickly said No, I really miss everything about smoking, but I now realize I just can't for my health. She never would have said this months ago when we were dating.

 

I am not blind; at the end of the day she likes to go to bars, socialize, hang out, and she likes to drink. It's who she is at her core. I am noticing small changes though and the changes are not for me. Saturday night she drank wine only with water in beween. She never did that while we were together. And she stopped after 3 glasses over a 4 hour period. Heck, i was the one gettign a little crazy Saturday night and she actually came to me and said "Come on, we need to go home so we can get up early to go kayak". And, when we woke up I wanted to stay in bed as I had a headache; she is the one who got us out of bed and on the road to kayak!

[Babolat]

It's been almost 3 months since I have had contact with the ex gf, and I feel great.

 

Well, this morning, she texts me, asking if she can meet me for dinner next week, her treat. I did not respond. Later today she texted again stating she knows I am probably wondering why, obviously she would like to talk to me, it's more than that though.

 

I really don't want to see her; though, part of me does, I am curious as to what she wants to share with me.

[Babolat]

See update here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/418079-great-read-no-contact-wondering-if-i-should-do-5.html