A brutally truthful and honest OW's perspective.

[SummerRae]

wow. I'm totally curious about what is going to happen. You have to fill us in! I am completely familiar with your story because it sounds so similar to the feelings I have/do feel.

 

I go back and forth like a freakin' yo-yo. I don't know right from left in this "relationship". I believe what Immortality says about society's view of "marriage", but yet, I can't help but long for that kind of we-are-there-for-each-other-through-thick-and-thin relationship that a stable marriage provides.

 

Sometimes I hate MM for what he is doing. I went to tell him where to go and how fast to go there (and believe me, I've done it before) but yet, I always go back to loving him.

 

I need to make some choices. I honestly think that contrary to your situation, if he actually left his wife, it could not possibly work between us because of all the hardships we have endured, not to mention the devastation it would cause for his family. That is what I cry over. I cry over hurting his babies. I cry about him hurting his wife. I think of how I would feel in her shoes. And I cry some more.

 

But then, when we speak or email, it's like it all goes away. I love him so deeply. I just need to know what to do. How to take my blinders off.

 

Thank goodness for this forum, it's helping me to look at things in a deeper way.

[Mistress Downunder]

Hi,

 

I had an affair with a man for nearly 3 years. His wife recently found out from an external party to their marriage. Abruptly, my life as I new it with this man was over - no fight with him, no intention of ending it, but it has now died it's death.

 

I am find it REALLY hard to find information on how I, the other woman, get over this. No, it wasn't the right thing to do - seeing a MM. Yes, I am glad this ended in hindsight, because his desire to stay by his wife's side as she deals with this is the right thing for him to do.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone else, I'm looking for information on dealing with the loss of what seemed like a real and wonderful relationship. How do I let go of the addiction? I still want to ring him - I want to see if he is okay. But, I know it shouldn't matter to me. All sites I've found indicate that he should cease all communication with me.... fine... that sounds like good advice.

 

But, what do I do? I'm still a human being, who retrospectively realises they did the wrong thing... where's the copious quantities of information telling me how to get on track, telling me how to have higher expectations in future for myself... this is a lonely, miserable, heart-breaking time.

 

You would think there would be plenty out there - plenty of reasons for me to not want to do it again. For the record - I won't. But, unlike the person who led me to believe he was in a rotten marriage, staying only for financial reasons, I don't have a spouse to help me realise this might be a symptom of something that already existed....

 

Still so angry, humiliated, ashamed and CRAVING for just one more hug and his shoulder to cry on.

[Sami_D]

I was looking through previous threads to see if there was one I could join/resurrect that was about MM potentially leaving his wife and what happened... I got to page 2 of the forum, and it seems that there aren't so many old threads around. Why is this? Have they been deleted? Were there not many in the first place.

 

This thread is a year old (for the most part), but I wanted to say... this is such a positive story (it seems)... and I'm wondering how it ended. Does anyone know?

 

I was thinking today... don't we, reading these forums, only seem to see the negative stories? Because, let's be honest, if things are going well in a relationship, who has the time or inclination to post here?

 

So... is it BETTER out there than reading these forums (and their overwhelmingly sad stories) would suggest? What do we think?

[Sami_D]

OK, I'll tell you what I think:

 

 

 

 

You might not always be seeing each other at your best, but neither are you truly seeing each other as real life would impose if you were fully committed to each other (and no one else) and fully integrated into each others' lives. Those weekends you spend together in no way approximate what it would be like if the two of you were living together as a fully legitimate couple. Think about it: when he's at your place, it's your place. He might feel very "at home" and comfortable in your place by now, but it's still very much yours and the full responsibility of maintaining and cleaning and paying is yours -- not his. So you two wake up one morning and discover that the kitchen sink has been leaking, the floor is flooded, etc. And he happens to be handy and sets about to fix it. And you're grateful... ah, grateful! What a difference than what would be the case if that very same situation occurred in a house the two of you were jointly responsible for. He'd be in charge of fixing it, with no gratitude! It would just be his part of the burden, just as you do other things. He wouldn't get to be Mr. Wonderful, Heroic Plumber (if he's not handy in that way, just pretend for argument's sake).

 

Do you see the fundamental emotional difference? He probably doesn't give a second thought to the way you keep your house. It's not his place. But what if it were? Would everything be as effortless, as unquestioned? I doubt it. I really do.

 

The niggling details of everyday life are a genuine threat to Romance.

 

I know this post was written a long time ago, and ordinarily I would be reticent to resurrect something so old, but I wanted to say.

 

The fact that MM and I don't have those 'mundane' things in our lives is a seriously sad thing to me. I don't need to be told that 'Romance' is different from living with someone. I've lived with men before, and I know the difference! And I WANT to share those 'dull' minutiae of existence with MM.

 

Why is it that it is generally thought that OW want 'Romance' and have trouble with reality?

[Sami_D]

 

... in the infidelity scenario, at least one and sometimes both partners are engaging in a relationship that is an escape from what they have already committed themselves to. That demonstrates that a) their ability to commit is flawed, and b) that quite possibly part of the appeal of the affair lies in the fact that it is an escape from the mundane hassles of their committed relationship.

 

 

Probably repeating myself here.

 

The fact that you want to end one relationship and (perhaps) begin another does not necessarily indicate that you need to escape, or that you have problems committing. These are assumptions, not facts.

 

It is not always possible to continue a relationship with someone you've married. For many, many reasons which may have nothing whatever to do with your personality or any defects of character.

[lynnered]

I was looking through previous threads to see if there was one I could join/resurrect that was about MM potentially leaving his wife and what happened... I got to page 2 of the forum, and it seems that there aren't so many old threads around. Why is this? Have they been deleted? Were there not many in the first place.

 

This thread is a year old (for the most part), but I wanted to say... this is such a positive story (it seems)... and I'm wondering how it ended. Does anyone know?

 

I was thinking today... don't we, reading these forums, only seem to see the negative stories? Because, let's be honest, if things are going well in a relationship, who has the time or inclination to post here?

 

So... is it BETTER out there than reading these forums (and their overwhelmingly sad stories) would suggest? What do we think?

Usaully when MM leaves they stop posting:sick:

there is a poster who posts here cant think of her name but her MM left and been together for 3 years & 1 other i recall in my year on LS.

[scaredinlove]

it is amazing to read thus posting and realize that much I have read in here are questions I have asked myself.I have a wonderful relationship with a MM and I am a MW myself.I was talking to him about how I think the only reason we are so happy is becuse our relationship is superficial in the sense that we don't share many problems. On the other hand we used to work in the same office and went through many difficult times there.I pretty much know his weaken and bad side.I still love in very much and the reason is because I can communicate with him beter than I ever communicate with anybody else.

Going back to the questions that were raised here, I think the fact that when we are in a relationship were there is not much pression of comitiment help us to open up our selfs more, because we know that may be only temporary we try to get the most we can out of it.To give and example I spent two years of mylife globetrotting the wolrd,all I had was a backpack and the desire to see different places.I remembered beng very open to people and making friendships faster than now, because I knew I as just passing by,I felt I could be more open because the people I've me were strangers and they wouldn't be able to hold things I thouht or said against me.

 

maybe the same hppens with extra marrital relationships, since we are not fully commited to that person we feel that we can be more open and honest.What you guys think?

[scaredinlove]

Also a extra marital affair is so ggod because we don't take it for granted, you know you won't see that person all the time and yu try to make the best of the little time you have togheter.

 

Immoiralist, aI agree with you that love can be satisfying in a variety of situations. And let face it most people are not happily married, at least the people I know...

[lynnered]

Also a extra marital affair is so ggod because we don't take it for granted, you know you won't see that person all the time and yu try to make the best of the little time you have togheter.

 

Immoiralist, aI agree with you that love can be satisfying in a variety of situations. And let face it most people are not happily married, at least the people I know...

If there not happy they need to end relationship/M ,but not that easy?

Many differnt reasons,differnt situations there is no black or white A.

Life is so short to be wasted with someone U are not happy with just cause of C,mortage,family and so on.

[RecordProducer]

You obviously have a wonderful present with him. Now take a look at your future. If you see yourself as the OW in 5 or 10 years then you're obviously not ready to move on now. Our actions depend on our goals fset for our future.

 

This relationship will most likely not last forever. Give it a few more years. You might be missing your chance to meet someone who will stay with you for the rest of your life. If this is what you ultimately want for yourself then you might decide to break up now (or soon) and get over earlier. By the way, three months is not enough to get over him. It will take you at least a year. Would you prefer to be over him in a year or two and ready to date other people or would you rather stay with him knowing that your love won't last forever? Or do you hope that you will be the OW until somebody's death separates you? Doeas it hurt you that he has a wife at home? Do you cherish hopes that he will eventually leave her? You need to ask yourself all these questions.

 

The longer you stay with him the more the break-up will hurt you later.