Why Did You Get Married?

[MissBee]

In reading the Other Woman/Other Man forum, lots of times marriage is spoken about as this obligation/piece of paper/business arrangement/roommate scenario etc. I am certain some marriages are this way, but in reading, sometimes it seems as though marrying because you of love, being compatible, wanting a life with this person, it was a progression from an enjoyable relationship etc. is far-fetched and it's some "natural fact" that marriage is a trap and married people's true love will naturally be their affair partner they meet while married. Granted...if you're in an affair, then it's not hard to see how this opinion would be beneficial.

 

However, I'm curious, both because of these types of conversations on LS, as well as when I see people post in the "Getting Married" section or hear about it in real life. Why do people marry? What forethought did they put into it? So:

 

Why did you get married?

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Would you do it again?

 

Thanks

Edited July 12, 2013 by MissBee

[angie2443]

I married my husband because I found a geek (I'm a geek also:)) that I was attracted to. I had a negative view of marraige before I was married due to what I saw happen to my mom when I was young. My husband have been through some rough times, but something kept us together. Maybe, even we were both young and screwed up in many ways, we both loved each other and wanted it to work, so, we put up with a lot of crazy stuff and worked to improve ourselves and make our marriage work. I hope this doesn't sound cheezy! I think you, even though you are very young (compared to me at least) you are very wise. I always see this in your other posts. Just wanted to let you know:)

 

I wanted to add, yes, I would do it again. I have to admit, thougth, that there were times earliar that I felt like quiting.

Edited July 12, 2013 by angie2443
to add a sentence

[Silly_Girl]

First time around:

 

 

Why did you get married?

 

Because, due to issues with contraceptives inducing depression I was not on the pill and an accident saw us fall pregnant. We came under pressure from our families to marry urgently and neither of us felt strongly enough to argue against the idea. We were happy, incredibly young, and thought we'd marry eventually anyway, so where was the harm....

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

I had no real notion about marriage at that point. We both had poor role models. I didn't see that it would enhance/otherwise our relationship. We were very much an equal team and it just meant it would be easier to get married prior to our son being born than after.

 

Would you do it again?

 

About 7 months in we had a really frank chat and realised we hadn't really thought it through, and there was a high chance we weren't compatible enough to have justified getting married. But, we were in love and had been best friends before we were romantically involved, so we agreed to try our best and see where it took us. Sadly we were only married for 5 years, however none of them were bad or acrimonious, it just was not going anywhere and we couldn't pull together enough to make it work. I knew I would want the chance to marry again and get it right. And I also very much wanted that for him, so yes, I believed I would do it again.

 

Second time around...

 

 

Why did you get married?

 

We wanted to be truly bonded in the eyes of society, our family and our friends. We wanted to celebrate the love we share, that we feel so lucky to have found, and to involve those closest to us in it through our slightly unconventional wedding. We wanted to seal our family unit publicly, legally and emotionally.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

We view marriage as the ultimate commitment. As a symbol of how we feel and our promises not just to one another, but to our families, my son and any children we may go on to have. We are mature now, very clear on how we feel, what we want from life/relationships and we communicate often and well. We both know couples who married because it's 'what you do', (see above...) but we were clear that was not the case for us and we put a huge amount of thought in to why we wanted to get married, and our wedding and home-written vows.

 

Now we're married? We think it's effing awesome!!! We're on honeymoon right now (I'm up in the night with infected bug bites!) and are still pinching ourselves that we found each other and are so perfect for each other. Mid/late thirties we both, naively perhaps, didn't know a relationship could be so easy and so good and thought it was reserved for Hollywood movies (not that either of us looks like Jolie or Pitt!!).

 

Would you do it again?

 

No way. I feel strongly that this is a life commitment. If it goes wrong, so be it, but I don't feel remotely inclined to either marry again or have another wedding.

 

I realise time and circumstances may see that change. A lifetime is a long time.

 

[Eve]

Why did you get married?

 

We met and fell in love. Our connection was one where marriage fitted immediately and we went with it.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Main idea was that God would lead me to the one who would be the highest match out off many potentials.

 

I found that marriage takes a lot of work regardless of us both believing we were lead to each other. I never expected our bond to grow as much as it has. Conversely I never expected that at various points the love could fade.

 

Now I see marriage as a spiritual union more than I did previously. We are now more aware that the love we share is not just encased in our bodies, it's all about how we feed the connection.

 

Would you do it again

 

If my marriage was to end I don't think I would get married again. Although I know I would have many suitors, I am not sure that I could find what we have twice in lifetime.

 

I think our marriage will only end in the death of either partner, so, I would get a couple of cats and savour my memories with the Grand kids..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[BetheButterfly]

Why did you get married?

My husband and I got married because we love each other (love is action, not just a feeling), decided to commit/promise to each other faithfulness, and decided to be together "till death do us part", as well as make a family together. We also have similar convictions and beliefs.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it?

When I got married the first time, I thought marriage is just what people "in love" did. I didn't really understand why my parents didn't think my first husband and I should get married.

 

Now however I think marriage is an "empty box" ... I first saw this on the "I Love My Husband" page on Facebook and it's so true!!! I can't find it now on Facebook, but I looked it up elsewhere:

 

 

"J. Allan Petersen, who wrote extensively about marriage, said the following: (I boldened most.)

Most people get married believing a myth--that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages.

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising--keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty."http://christianlovestories.blogspot.com/2007/03/marriage-is-empty-box.html

 

Would you do it again?

I did, but I hope that my husband and I do stay together till "death do us part." I love this, which was recently posted on the I Love My Husband Facebook page:

 

"Marriage:

Love is the reason.

Lifelong friendship is the gift.

Kindness is the cause.

Til' death do us part is the length."

- Fawn Weaver

 

Thanks

Cool questions! Thanks for asking. Edited July 12, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[HokeyReligions]

 

Why did you get married?

 

 

We are somewhat traditional. We lived together first but wanted our r union sanctified but also to make that commitment before God and our families and to each other. We consolidated our whole lives - financially physically emotionally. The marriage is a solom promise. Its binding. It requires a level of trust not quite fiund in other commitments. Its one time only. That is how I feel about it. Thats why its scary and exciting.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Marriage is what I thought it would be. The difference is that all the scenarios I could imagine are so much more real or touchable than I imagined. Understanding something on an intellectual level is beyond pale compared to feeling it. So even though its what I thought I had no idea how much and how deeply I would feel. Even after 27 years of marriage each day brings new depths of feeling.

 

Would you do it again? no. I couldn't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. I can not imagine that I ever would.

 

Thanks

I am a one man woman. If I outlive my husband I see nothing but grieving for him until I join him in death. Even if I go on it will be alone. I may find friendship but I will be clear that it will be nothing else. But honestly I can't even picture myself accepting a date with anyone.

[MissBee]

I married my husband because I found a geek (I'm a geek also:)) that I was attracted to. I had a negative view of marraige before I was married due to what I saw happen to my mom when I was young. My husband have been through some rough times, but something kept us together. Maybe, even we were both young and screwed up in many ways, we both loved each other and wanted it to work, so, we put up with a lot of crazy stuff and worked to improve ourselves and make our marriage work. I hope this doesn't sound cheezy! I think you, even though you are very young (compared to me at least) you are very wise. I always see this in your other posts. Just wanted to let you know:)

 

I wanted to add, yes, I would do it again. I have to admit, thougth, that there were times earliar that I felt like quiting.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it .

[KathyM]

 

 

Why did you get married?

Because I loved the man, and wanted to have him in my life permanently and exclusively, and that level of commitment was appealing to me.

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

I thought it would be great, an act of love and commitment to a person. My parents had a wonderful, lifelong marriage, so I had a very positive view of it as well. Now that I've been married for several years, I still think it's the ideal situation for me. Living with and being totally committed to the one person I know so well, who I can truly share all of my life with, and who will always be there for me. Who is my best friend, and my partner in raising our children. Our youngest are now adults, but I still enjoy doing things as a family and being a cohesive, loving family who will always be there for each other. The single life would, to me, seem unfulfilling, although I do know many single people who are very happy that they have the freedom to do what they want, when they want, and not have to answer to anybody. To each their own. I'm happy in the place I've chosen to be. Having a string of relationships throughout life that end up broken would not be appealing to me.

Would you do it again?

 

Thanks

Definately.

[MissBee]

My husband and I got married because we love each other (love is action, not just a feeling), decided to commit/promise to each other faithfulness, and decided to be together "till death do us part", as well as make a family together. We also have similar convictions and beliefs.

 

When I got married the first time, I thought marriage is just what people "in love" did. I didn't really understand why my parents didn't think my first husband and I should get married.

 

Now however I think marriage is an "empty box" ... I first saw this on the "I Love My Husband" page on Facebook and it's so true!!! I can't find it now on Facebook, but I looked it up elsewhere:

 

 

"J. Allan Petersen, who wrote extensively about marriage, said the following: (I boldened most.)

Most people get married believing a myth--that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to infuse it into their marriages.

A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising--keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty."http://christianlovestories.blogspot.com/2007/03/marriage-is-empty-box.html

 

I did, but I hope that my husband and I do stay together till "death do us part." I love this, which was recently posted on the I Love My Husband Facebook page:

 

"Marriage:

Love is the reason.

Lifelong friendship is the gift.

Kindness is the cause.

Til' death do us part is the length."

- Fawn Weaver

 

Cool questions! Thanks for asking.

 

I LOVE that "marriage is an empty box" idea. This is sooo true!

[pink_sugar]

Why did you get married? For some practical reasons, made things less complicated financially, and I couldn't see being with anyone else at the time, so we wanted to be taken seriously as a couple. Not just bf/gf.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

I'm not sure honestly. I saw forever and wanted my life to have a sort of fairy-tale ending. I've never had a normal stable family, so I wanted that in marriage. After 5 years of marriage, I've learned a lot. Sometimes you grow together or grow apart.

 

Would you do it again?

 

To be honest, I'm not sure. I'll say no since there have been more cons than pros. I'm in a hard spot right now since we are relying on each other financially, but at the same time I also have GIGS. Looking back, I think it would have been a good idea not to commit to one another so quickly.

[Silly_Girl]

I LOVE that "marriage is an empty box" idea. This is sooo true!

 

I do too, it's great. I also subscribe to the thought that you need two 'whole' people to make a good relationship, a marriage/relationship doesn't make one whole.

[janedoe67]

Why did you get married?

 

Because I loved my husband and wanted to be his wife

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Before: My parents were my model. They worked as a team, had somewhat traditional roles even though Mom had a professional job outside the home. They loved and respected each other, put their marriage first even when we kids were small - i.e. having date nights or sending us to Grandma's for the weekend. They kissed and hugged and I was aware once I was old enough to make the connection that there were regular "private Mommy and Daddy things" that went on when their door was shut. over 50 years later they are still this way.

 

Now: I don't know whether I am thankful for having such great models or not. If I hadn't known how marriage COULD be maybe it wouldn't be so hard to be content.

 

Would you do it again?

 

I have great kids and cannot imagine life without them. If I had not married they would not exist. And my husband is a good man.

[xxoo]

Why did you get married?

 

I wanted to be family to each other. Not necessarily make a family (have kids), but legally be family to each other. I wanted to bond my life to his, and have him as a life partner.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

My parents' marriage wasn't too different from what ours is now, raising our own kids. Like them, we spend a lot of time focused on the family, juggling responsibilities, and enjoying the simply pleasures of life. I didn't have many romantic notions or expectations. I simply wanted a loving partner, and that's what I got.

 

I naively expected our love to stay strong, and our sex life to stay active. We were lucky, and they have

 

Would you do it again?

 

In a heartbeat. Hitching my wagon to his was the best decision I've ever made.

[GoodOnPaper]

Why did you get married?

 

I had someone I enjoyed being with and things just naturally progressed to the point where it made sense. Plus, I really wanted to put a miserable singlehood behind me. There was some attraction imbalance -- she was more into me than I was into her -- but I figured that was better than the opposite, which was true of all of my previous R's and dating experiences.

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it?

 

We're bombarded by cultural messages that marriages and LTR's are "better" than the ONS/FWB lifestyle. I've always been terrible at attracting women and could never attract anyone for anything casual. Even though I felt like I missed out on a lot, I figured that marriage would make up for it.

What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Well, our singlehood issues don't magically disappear like I hoped mine would. In fact, I'd say that almost all serious issues in marriages are actually ones that one or both partners carried over from their single days. Actual relationship management (being nice to each other, dividing household responsibilities, anything "compatibility-oriented") is a piece of cake.

Would you do it again?

 

I'm sure, but I would take a break from the rat-race. I went from a life I felt was very empty to a life that is way too full. There was nothing in-between. Plus, from what I read on LS, I'd probably have to spend a couple of years in the gym just to be a viable dating option!

[Got it]

Why did I get married?

 

 

Tax breaks.

[Woggle]

I got married because I found somebody I genuinely want to share my life with and I truly love her. She is worth making that commitment.

 

My views on marriage before is that only foolish men do it and that is a waste of time.

 

My view on marriage now is that it is great with the right person but should be entered into with caution but I very much understand why some people shun it

 

I would marry her again in a heartbeat but if she weren't around I probably would not marry.

[youdunsay]

Why did you get married?

 

I had someone I enjoyed being with and things just naturally progressed to the point where it made sense. Plus, I really wanted to put a miserable singlehood behind me. There was some attraction imbalance -- she was more into me than I was into her -- but I figured that was better than the opposite, which was true of all of my previous R's and dating experiences.

 

So in the past you were more into the girls you dated than them to you?

[eleanorrigby]

Why did you get married?

We had known each other since high school, dated and been in love for 5 years. The original plan was to get married around 28 after college, etc.

But we got pregnant and moved the date up 7 years lol

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

I thought it was going to be just as fun and sexy and carefree as dating had been. We loved "playing house" back then before we got married. Liked grocery shopping together and loved when people mistook us for a married couple.

 

I did get the fun, sexy and carefree moments that I had imagined but also found out it was a lot tougher then I thought it would be.

Especially having kids straight out of the gate.

 

Would you do it again?

Yes, I'd do it again. But if I could go into a time machine, there are changes I'd make to my behavior. Things I'd have talked to him about instead of letting it fester.

I'd prepare my younger self for the reality of marriage and get her ready for it.

[GoodOnPaper]

So in the past you were more into the girls you dated than them to you?

 

Yes -- I was always the one who was dumped. The girls seemed to have one foot out the door from the get-go, like they were very aware of the options they had. I, on the other hand, didn't have options and was just glad to be out of the meeting/attracting rat-race. I was bad at it and didn't want to be a part of it.

[Kelemvor]

Why did you get married?

 

Unrealistic romantic idealism with very poor forethought into risk aversion. I thought I wanted kids. Societal and familial pressures.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Probably the same romantic notions that most people have... However, I didn't fully comprehend the sacrifices required, nor did I have appreciation for the potential challenges.

 

Would you do it again?

 

No. I'm divorced and have no real intention of marrying again although I would leave it as a possibility which is what I tell girls that I end up dating along with my current gf. Technically, it's true.. but I doubt I would do it again and certainly not without a prenup.

[MissBee]

Thanks so much for all these responses.

 

Many of them are certainly inspiring .

[Pyro]

Why did you get married?

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

 

Would you do it again?

 

Thanks

 

I got married because I wasn't afraid to and because we didn't want to have a long distance relationship anymore.

 

Before I did it I knew that it does take some work to make the marriage successful and long lasting and in today's age people give up way too easily due to selfishness and lack of patience.

 

Now that I am married I feel the same way.

 

Would I do it again? Don't know. Not even thinking about that option.

[MissBee]

Why did you get married?

We had known each other since high school, dated and been in love for 5 years. The original plan was to get married around 28 after college, etc.

But we got pregnant and moved the date up 7 years lol

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it? What idea do you have now that you're married?

I thought it was going to be just as fun and sexy and carefree as dating had been. We loved "playing house" back then before we got married. Liked grocery shopping together and loved when people mistook us for a married couple.

 

I did get the fun, sexy and carefree moments that I had imagined but also found out it was a lot tougher then I thought it would be.

Especially having kids straight out of the gate.

 

Would you do it again?

Yes, I'd do it again. But if I could go into a time machine, there are changes I'd make to my behavior. Things I'd have talked to him about instead of letting it fester.

I'd prepare my younger self for the reality of marriage and get her ready for it.

 

I can relate to this.

 

I'm not married, but hope to be one day and I'm really happy for my experiences, even the bad ones, as I think I'm a lot more realistic about marriage now. Marriage ideally for me is a one time deal until one of us dies, and so, I have no interest in making the decision prematurely. Playing house, yep lol . I quite enjoy that with boyfriends, grocery shopping, people thinking we're newly weds, picking out household items together...but I always had an out. I've never lived with a boyfriend and probably wouldn't unless we're engaged, so with boyfriends I always had my own place and I'd play house with them and we had sleep overs, sometimes I'd spend more time at their place than mine...but I still knew I had my own place and I could leave and go there if I wanted to.

 

I think for me I do have some commitment issues, no doubt stemming from the bad examples I observed with my parents' marriage, and I think I'm fine as long as I have an out. But there's no out in marriage. It's not just romance and fun but life...with all the good, bad, scary and ugly and you making it through with another person and not jumping ship or running to the emergency exit when things get tough. So I'm taking my sweet time and really preparing myself to be a good partner and understanding what commitment and partnership mean.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Why did you get married?

Because we were in love and I wanted to spend forever with him. He was my best friend, I spent a lot of time preparing, I took it very seriously and was so excited. We did pre marital counseling, and at the time had the same values and views on marriage... everything seemed perfect and I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him.

 

What idea did you have about marriage before you did it?

The same ideas I have now. Not much has changed, I had a pretty mature outlook on marriage at 18 and I really feel the same about it now. My ideas on marriage didn't change, his did. That was our downfall.

 

What idea do you have now that you're married?

The same, only now I have a bit more experience.

 

Would you do it again?

In a heartbeat. [or a few years, you know what I mean.]

[BetheButterfly]

I LOVE that "marriage is an empty box" idea.

 

Yep me too!

 

This is sooo true!

 

Yep!!!