Wife giving up on my needs

[TaraMaiden]

She doesn't want you to go for two reasons:

 

1) In case it doesn't work.

 

2) In case it does.

[Nyla]

I used to suffer from vaginismus. It came from sexual trauma as well as being nervous about sex. I had an ex who was controlling and used to badger me into sex. My vagina would tighten like a vise when he tried to enter me.

 

Now that I am married to a man I find very sexy, my vagina is still rather tight so my husband has to go slowly at first so lovemaking doesn't hurt.

 

Your wife may be associating sex with pain and that could be why she doesn't want to deal with her condition. She needs to realize that marriage without sex is just two friends living together. Any medical condition which impedes lovemaking should be treated if the spouse cares about their partner. Sometimes women underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship.

[eddyctv]

Let me give everyone an example - I'm a musician (only as a hobby). My wife has never complained about the amount of time I spend on music related activities. At the same time, she's never really been supportive, either. She occasionally comes to see my concerts, but has told me she does not generally enjoy them. She's never complimented me on my songwriting or performance. Granted, I'm probably not that good, but aren't you supposed to say nice things, anyway?

 

This type of problem always seemed petty to me, but in light of this thread, I wonder if my wife's behavior suggests larger problems.

 

Wow. You are married to my girlfriend.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's been about a month since I had the conversation with my wife. It clearly is better for her, but I still feel hopeless. I've been as intimate and affectionate in non-sexual ways as much as possible, and she's stepped things up moderately, but it's still not all that fulfilling. She has an appointment to start physical therapy next week. I offered to go along because I've read that it's helpful for the spouse to be there, but she doesn't want me to go. So I'll just have to be patient and hope she finds a treatment that works. I desperately hope that I'll have sex with my wife again!

 

I also bought a book (for her, but she hasn't looked at it). It's called "When Sex hurts." When Sex Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Banishing Sexual Pain:Amazon:Books

 

It's a comprehensive overview of vaginismus and vulvodynia. I've done lots of research on the topics, and it's the best single source I've found. It was great to read because it discusses so many treatment options - it almost made me hopeful that my wife can find effective treatment. If only my wife would read it.

 

It's time for therapy...

[TaraMaiden]

I didn't have the time to read all of these posts. Have all of these smart people figured out yet that your wife doesn't love you?

 

You need to read the thread, but in a roundabout way, I have attempted to convey that his wife is not as emotionally invested in this as he is.

 

OP, you really need to get this through your head:

 

You love her intensely.

She loves you, but is completely confused by her own feelings.

 

She's wondering:

Does she love you, in that way, but is frustrated by her own inability to enjoy sex?

Is she in love with you, or does she merely feel obligated to love you because she is depriving you of sex?

Is her love communicable only by sex?

 

See, I'm sorry, but knowing such situations as I do, the glaringly obvious factor to me (maybe to others too) is that she isn't in love with you enough to do whatever it takes to make this better.

 

She wants to give you sex so you'll back off and quit pestering her, but she also psychologically cannot tolerate having sex with you because she's not IN love with you....

 

'She can't have sex with you' is strongly linked with 'she doesn't even WANT to have sex with you.'

 

It's a double-edged sword here, and I think there is some element of deceit.

 

Whether she's primarily lying to herself or to you....it is probably a combination of both... but I cannot see where she is manifesting any form of close, intimate affection.

 

She may believe her physical dysfunction is the root/primary cause.

I feel from what you have written and revealed that in fact, an overlying major factor is that somewhere, she is lying to you.

 

She won't have you sharing her therapy.

because she doesn't want to have to admit to you - or even to herself - that she doesn't want the outcome to entail eventual intercourse.

 

I know you love her.

I know you feel committed to her.

 

But really, you need to release the both of you from this torturous prison.

 

It's never going to get any better than this.

 

Read that again.

And again, and again and again.

 

And again, and again until you get it.

Because the whole of this thread can be summed up in those 9 words.

[Mr. Lucky]

I desperately hope that I'll have sex with my wife again!

Yon can and will, just won't be with your present wife.

 

Lots of men have ED and issues that make penetrative sex difficult and yet they don't turn their backs (literally!) to love and intimacy with their spouses.

 

At some point you'll have to accept that vulvodynia isn't the real problem here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

What would she do if Channing Tatum invited her to a week in the Bahamas on his yacht?

 

Would she say, "Sorry, my jay-jay isn't working 100%. You'll have to just live without Channing." ???

[TaraMaiden]

Well....hang on....I don't find him particularly enticing, so really, that's not a valid point.

 

I might go for the week's holiday in the Bahamas, but I wouldn't be returning the favour carnally....

 

OP, There are just some matters you're going to have to consider head-on.

I will relate an account of something that occurred quite a few years back, now.

I came across a couple during my counselling days who had been married for 9 years, and had a child.

 

The wife had 'gone off' sex after the child's birth, and both she and her H explored and examined all kinds, manner and means of raising her Libido.

She investigated hormonal changes, and I know they experimented with Swinging, threesomes and some mild BDSM. The bottom line was, that nothing worked.

She would achieve a temporary 'buzz' from these "activities" but then, left to their own devices, she found it hard to become aroused, and eventually, they turned to Counselling.

Sadly, they eventually decided to separate, because her H could not face living the remainder of his life with a wife whose sexuality was erratic at best, and dysfunctional at worst. And she agreed that obliging him to do that would be irrational, unreasonable and selfish.

It caused them both distress, anxiety, guilt, and they both knew it was not a healthy environment for them to inhabit, with their child.

he resigned himself to having to perhaps begin the dating game all over again, and she resigned herself to a celibate motherhood.

 

I met her about a year later, maybe slightly more....

She was with a new man.

And she confided in me that they had sex at least four times a week.... and she loved it.

 

All those years, and both she and her ex-H had managed to convince themselves - or had been under the impression, that it was 'she' who had something wrong with her. They had both been completely convinced that whatever libidinal conditions existed, the problem lay with her.

 

Her meeting this new partner, opened her eyes to the fact that whatever problems she and her ex- may have had, they had not hinged solely on her own level of sexual desire or appetite.

She realised that she had merely fallen out of love with her H and could not have sex with him, because he no longer aroused her, or affected her sexually, in a positive way.

 

 

I'm not in any way shape or form insinuating that your wife is deliberately withholding, or lying or being deceitful, covert or two-faced.

 

But I'm concerned that her utter and total refusal to involve you in any remedial work, indicates a (possibly subconscious) denial, and reluctance to heal, on her part.

You insist she is not lying to you.

I am merely saying that even if it is not conscious or deliberate, it's possible she is.

[Sparty97]

I read through the whole thread... you need to put leaving her on the table. By taking it off and saying you wouldn't ask for sex again you have removed any inspiration she may have other than her own desire to seek treatment which you have already indicated is "zero".

 

I need to throw this out there as well, she could be playing this whole thing up to mask her own sexuality (lesbian?) or a long-term affair.

[LilGirlandOW]

I have friends that use the whole "since I gave birth..xyz", "all of a sudden xyz" to get out of sex, one has been doing it for 3 years... no desire and its hard for a man to question.... or at least my friends H. I heard it brought up in conversation.. H was saying how sorry he felt for W for her "condition".... all smoke and mirrors to get out of sex