Legatus Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't know about other people but personally my break up didn't shock be because of itself, but more because of what happened after. I described my situation here. Yesterday she wrote she would pick her things up. Two months after official break up. I say official because she wasn't committed to me long before that. Apparently she was "fighting" with herself to find out why she lost all interest towards me. I was gonna meet her tomorrow but she's going to pick her things in the morning, while I'm at work, which is better as I'm going on holiday straight after work. We talked today though. Finally a normal conversation, without unnecessary shouting, calling each other names et cetera. She was wondering why I'm behaving like this (NC), I explained we can't be friends after what she's done. She lied to me and cheated, and even though she says "it all looks differently from my point of view", the facts are she did horrible things. The good thing is she finally admitted that. Today was the first time she said she missed me for a long time. She said she wants me in her life because I'm an important person in her life. Somehow I still couldn't give in. I didn't promise her anything. I said it would be a lie and there were too many of them between us in the past. I told her you never know, perhaps someday when we meet in the same city I will be able to talk to you as a normal person. Right now? I do not feel anything towards her, but the bad taste after being lied to and cheated on stays. She left me for another man after all, although she is trying to make it look like a "chain reaction" type of decision. but it wasn't. Telling me the truth was. I accepted the fact that we weren't right for each other. I accepted that long time ago, but the way she behaved afterwords, her selfishness, and she says it's because she didn't want to give me any hope. I told her million times the hope went away pretty quickly. I wanted to finish things off properly. without any unfinished business, unanswered questions et cetera. Was it too much to ask? I could be in touch with her, but my mind says I shouldn't. She lost the right to have me in her life. I can't be friends with someone who lied to me for months just because she thought she would figure it out on her own and only decided to finish things when she was already smitten with someone else. I just wanted to express my feelings about it. I am quite sure I am doing the right thing. I need to find myself again which is going pretty good so far, and contact with her would just keep bringing memories, good and bad, with no actual value.. What do you think about all this? I would appreciate an outside perspective on this..
Still Searching Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm in agreement with you. You deserve better, and she doesn't deserve you in her life. I love how dumpers always throw out the, "I want you in my life" comments, or suggest being friends. I personally can't just shut off all of those extra feelings, and by the time I'm indifferent to the whole situation, I'm just not interested in being friends. She had you, she lost you, and now she needs to accept that. I almost feel like some people don't truly learn from their mistakes in instances like this, where the dumpee actually agrees to be their friend yet or whatever. They did something terrible, and yet don't truly have to suffer a complete loss as a result. Hearing how she tried to internalize and figure things out on her own makes me cringe, as my ex did the same. Whenever I have issues, I bring them up with my partner, especially if the issues are in regards to the relationship. Good communication is key, and if something is off or needs aren't being met, your partner isn't going to know if you don't tell them. Everyone would love for their partner to be able to read their mind, and always give them what they want or need, but that just ain't happening. Oftentimes it seems like issues would be half as large as they are in the end, had one party brought it up in the beginning and tried to work things out together with the other.
Author Legatus Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I can't comprehend why some people are like that? First she shows no emotions because she doesn't want to give me hope (!), and that's her explanation for treating me like s*ite for the past two months. Now she says she misses me and wants me in her life? WTF? I explained to her very politely, that I do not have any feelings towards her, but the bad taste after what she did still is with me. Even though she's still in denial. But what can one do? Nothing really. There's no point in being friends with someone like that, is there? Exactly. If she said anything 4 months before, we would either work it out or split with reason. But she said it wasn't my fight. I told her it was stupid to think that. Especially after weeks past and she still couldn't figure out a thing, well until she fell for the other guy while still being with me.. I think you're right, although I can see she is becoming more mature and better person she still can't learn few basic principles.
Still Searching Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 The whole "miss you and want you to be a part of my life" line irks me, too. To me, it's all or nothing. If I met you, and from day one it was a romantic affair, more than friends, that's all it will ever be to me when I look back. I just don't see the need to keep an ex around in the picture. That ship sailed, for a reason. Some will differ in opinion on this, and that's fine, just my thoughts. Your last line is the toughest to swallow sometimes. Through their mistakes, people (hopefully) do learn and mature, and it makes them a better partner in the future, most always for someone else. It sucks that we have to be the recipient of this, and end up with a loss in the end, while the next guy will hopefully not have to worry about this same thing happening to him, if they've learned anything from their mistake with us.
Author Legatus Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) True, true.. The good thing is that now, after all the emotions are gone I can actually see the good in the fact that she learnt something. At least our relationship will have some kind of meaning. I know it may sound absurd but after the end it was quite important to me. I needed to think that those months were for something, not just waste of time and space. So as hard as it is that the next guy gets an improved version, the only comfort is that it was by learning from us being/and not being together.. -- I think she's at my house now taking her things, which we agreed on yesterday. I wrote a short letter saying goodbye, so I hope she won't be at home when I'm back. I actually prefer to remember her when we kissed goodbye when I still had hope. Now seeing her with her new guy would probably ruin that last image Edited July 9, 2013 by Legatus
Author Legatus Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Done it. She took her things. We talked. I explained. She cried. New boyfriend had no decency to say hi like I'm the bad guy here. But it's good. Finally everything came to an end.
Author Legatus Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 I have to admit that holiday was awesome and the only thing I am still wondering is How can someone change "beds" within a week or two and live normal life? Even if she still believes she didn't cheat, wouldn't a normal person feel a little bit embarrassed to be with someone even if they don't have feelings. Because that's what happened, she stopped having feelings towards me way before, so what was that? It bugs me on more general level too. Never had one night stand and not going to. Didn't sleep with my ex until I had some kind of feelings at least. Old fashioned perhaps?
Misfortune Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 "I accepted the fact that we weren't right for each other. I accepted that long time ago, but the way she behaved afterwords, her selfishness, and she says it's because she didn't want to give me any hope. I told her million times the hope went away pretty quickly. I wanted to finish things off properly. without any unfinished business, unanswered questions et cetera." So the cold shoulders, no explanations, no respect, being treated like a disease after being dropped for greener pasture is them caring about you? They're so kind -_- When they feel like it, they come in/out of your life making demands and what not too? Such powerful people. You can get your point across without being cruel, it's called being firm and sticking to your convictions. "Hey, I just crushed your heart/soul and disrespected you but we can still be friends."---> "I don't understand why you wouldn't jump at the chance to be my friend" I was also wondering how someone can just go from to "bed" to bed without a thought. "Because that's what happened, she stopped having feelings towards me way before, so what was that?" They're afraid of being alone and want a back up plan. Some also claim that during that time they're trying "so hard" to get the spark back by NOT COMMUNICATING WITH THEIR SPOUSE; Genius intellect in action. The other mate is supposed to be a mind reader.
Author Legatus Posted July 25, 2013 Author Posted July 25, 2013 And the funny thing is she created a lot of arguments about her not being a mind reader in the past. But I changed, for the better, I guess she did it the other way.. So the cold shoulders, no explanations, no respect, being treated like a disease after being dropped for greener pasture is them caring about you? They're so kind -_- I think they should get a Nobel Peace Prize! They all pretend to be so strong and superhumans, those who dump people and I bet they feel powerful. Inside they know they're cowards or/and liars.. oh and I would forget - geniuses, that's prefect description. Always know better haha
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