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Last meeting with EX - what (not) to do?


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I don't really know where to start. I don't want to tell the whole story as it would take hours to write so I'll try to be brief.

 

I've been with a girl for a year and a half. Earlier this year she became distant (she also worked in another city so we had seen each other 2-4 days every fortnight). I've asked her twice if something is going on, and whether she still wanted to be with me - she said all is good.

 

In May we visited her sisters (city she worked in), but she went out with her sisters and left me and one of the sister's boyfriend in a pub (the guy and other sister hates each other). We had an argument in a club where she was told I was dancing with someone which of course never had taken place. After that she went to sleep at her sister and I stayed with the other one and her boyfriend. Next day I left, she didn't even bother to stop me.

 

Week and a half later, after excruciating time, she admitted that she didn't go to her sisters, but a "friend" who had feelings for her. Up to that point she let me believe everything was my fault, I wanted to make it work, or at least see if we can make it work. She kept saying she doesn't know what she wants, that everything is falling apart etc.

 

I insisted she would come back, even for a day or two, to talk to me, explain herself, her actions etc. At that point she said she didn't have sex with him but almost - she knew I would treat it as cheating anyway.

 

She came for three days. We had a good time, I explained I am willing to forgive but only if she works hard with me to make it work. She still said her decision is to go back to her sisters and figure out her life, and her feelings for me. She assured me the other guy had no meaning in the matter, which was another lie.

 

Since the day we saw each other last time passed good couple of weeks. Weird weeks those were, good and bad, and only recently I managed to get passed everything, started going out, booked holiday to my hometown to visit friends and family.

 

Over the last month she had not shown a bit of feelings. She has a new relationship with that guy, I can still see images on facebook. The whole time I wanted only some answers, understanding, knowing why she did what she did. I didn't want her back. It was a good decision to end up our relationship - I don't think I got much out of it, now I know that she lied for months when she was unhappy. Apparently she lied because she hoped all will be fine. Months passed and she wasn't better.

 

While we spent last three days together I let her have the keys to my house, hoping she will use it either to come back (first week), or just to come to talk to me, straighten things out and finish things like adults. Nothing like that happened. I asked her for the keys numerous times but she would just get angry and tell me to stop playing games. I wasn't playing any, just wanted my property back.

 

We talked about 10 days ago and I told her that I want to be in the house when she comes to pick her things up - with her new boy for sure. I don't want strange people to snoop around my house. I don't know if she's going to honour my request. She's impulsive and proved to be immature (I'm 25/26, she's 21).

 

But when she eventually shows up - what should I do? I have to admit - I've been always a reasonable man, always tried to explain everything rationally and with logic. Last month showed me how emotional I can get, and with all those bad emotions I didn't like it at all.

 

Now I don't really know what to do. Should I just be silent and get into a casual chat when she asks "how are you doing?" etc.? Should I just wish them good luck and hope that she learnt something from all the mistakes she's made? I'm not hanging on any kind of hope here, I know it was good that we split up. It still bugs me sometimes that she just could fly off to another man without so much as an ounce of regret or hesitation. I've asked her about that numerous times over the past weeks and got some answers but one can't believe them in such situation. The bottom line is - her words don't mean anything to me anymore (being in NC for a week now), but somehow I still want to make her understand that she has done some pretty awful things (she said few times she doesn't think she had done anything wrong(!))...

 

What do you people think? Should I talk, should I keep silent? I still have her as my facebook friend, and her sisters - so I saw her pictures with new guy, sometimes I looked at it just to remind myself what mistakes I have made, and to remember them good for the future. Now I removed them from news feed, the temptation to check her profile is not so strong anymore, I can live almost as I used to before her, but I'm just in that stupid position - she's got the keys so I can't be honest and tell her that I don't want to talk to her etc. because she may do some stupid things in my house. Especially if I'm going on holiday (which she, luckily, doesn't know about)..

 

Any input would be appreciated.. I'm sure people have better understanding of such behaviour than myself. I consider myself a logical and reasonable man but when it comes to social protocols and especially relationships - I am a bit behind...

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athousandquestions

You need to go NC. She's young and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger.

 

You need to delete her off Facebook and any other site you have. She's with someone else now, correct? That is the biggest sign staring you right in the face that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

If/when she contacts you asking to catch up, asking how you are, etc you should ignore it. It'll be hard but she is asking you these things to see if you are still hung up on her, to see if she can still mess with your head.

 

Read the thread here about GIGS - Grass is Greener Syndrome.

 

You need to cut her out, now, entirely. It is the ONLY thing that will allow you to heal and the ONLY thing that will give you a chance with her in the future. Do not tell her what you're doing. Do not say "we can't talk" or anything like that. Just. Stop. Replying.

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OrangeSnack

If I were you, I would first of all, get the keys from her (That's the most important thing ATM), smile and wish her a happy life. Kindly tell her to leave because you have made other arrangements with friends/family or whatnot. Close the door, pat yourself on the back, take a shot of patron, whiskey, 151, heck I don't know anything that will make you smile and move on. Continue with the NC and start loving yourself, ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!!

 

She's not worth the initiation for small talks. She practically cheated behind your back and you deserve better. It's her problem that she has issues and she can't figure out what she wants in life. You guys are no longer together so don't waste your time or energy to tell her what an awful thing she had done and etc.

 

Social media is an issue for a lot of people. Most people would just block their exs. If it distracts you then I would block her. If you feel that it's not a distraction then just let it be and take her off your news feed (which you done already, so good job!).

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OJ loved Nicole

Yes, 1000% you have to be there. Possession is 9/10ths of the law and you'll have a hell of a time proving the tv, computer, kitchen sink that has gone missing is yours.

 

Respond with "I'm f*cking fantastic!!, thanks for asking (big smile). Now you need to hurry up because I've got plans soon". That's it, she doesn't need to know and doesn't deserve to know anything else about you. Also you don't care how she's doing, she's pretty much a stranger in your home.

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Let me be "delicate" here- :laugh:

 

F-her! She a cheater, plain and simple. Change your door locks NOW. Round up her crap and have a mutual friend return it to her. OMG, dude, she cheated on you. You can't believe a word this woman says. She's needs to be fully in your rear view mirror.

 

Then, throw away or box EVERYTHING she gave you or reminds you of her. Gifts, cards, presents, pictures, emails, etc.. You need to BLOCK her on all media as well. You're doing this not to be vengeful but for YOUR HEALING...

 

My man, I know how much it hurts, I really do. I stayed with a toxic GF for far too long. Be broke up 4 weeks ago and she'll NEVER hear from me again. The NC really helps. It allows time to pass and for us to be reflective on the failed relationship and view it through clear glasses.

 

You're young, go have some fun and find someone who's into you.

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Exactly. She's a stranger and all I want her do to is to take her things (about 10 boxes, all packed up so she doesn't have to stay for long) and go.

 

Social media has been the biggest issue. She called me desperate when she found out that I went out just to have some fun, because as she said "she knew me as self-sufficient, quiet man". Well I am, but I also am socially flexible. I can find myself around people, as well as just myself if I need quiet time.

 

@atthousandquestions I will do that, I won't tell her that I stop talking to her, but just quietly do it, like now. It's been much better week, now I do not see her pictures, her sisters et cetera..

 

@OrangeSnack I intend to take the most of my vacation. I couldn't afford anything while we were together as she wasn't working, but now I can so I took a shot - booked the flights and off I go (in exactly a week!)

 

@OJ loved Nicole I thought that may be a good response. And I think by the time she actually comes here it will be 100% true (now let's say it's 85). I do not intend to enquire about her life anymore. It's not my business, and I don't want to know. Most important is I do not need it anymore.. Life suddenly looks more brighter than ever before!

 

@aloneinaz I will do that as soon as I get my keys. I asked for them numerous times but I don't know why she can't understand they're mine. Very childish on her part but well, what can I expect. I already packed everything hers, and there's practically no trace of her living in my house anymore.

 

I am focusing on myself at the moment, and my friends who I neglected a little bit over the past year, but won't make that mistake again!

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It's YOUR place, not hers. Change the locks. She's being controlling and playing games in not returning them. Take control of the situation. She may try to sneak in and get her stuff when you're not home.

 

The other thing is you could take her stuff and dump it at her families house, sisters, etc.. Then YOUR DONE WITH HER>>

 

That's what I'd do.

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I agree with Aloneinaz. She's still playing you. Why? Because you're still waiting on her. Doing everything on HER timeline! She doesn't want to give you the keys back? Fine! Change the locks! Simple! She doesn't want to pick up her sh*t? Fine! Box it up and give it to a mutual friend to deliver it to her.

 

Block her on Facebook, do this immediately! Ignore all texts and phonecalls. She's got a new boy toy in her life to bitch at, not you!

 

Why communicate with her at all? Everything she tells you is a lie! I mean, she fights with you stating that you were "dancing with someone else", really? Does DANCING with someone else (yeah, I know you didn't) a good enough reason to screw some other guy?!?! (and she did, don't buy into that crap of ALMOST did....she did). Hears the deal, she needed to fight with you, she had to make herself BELIEVE that you were dancing with other women because she PLANNED on sleeping with this guy and she needed two things.

 

1. To fight with you so she could leave.

 

2. Make herself believe that you were being dishonest in the relationship so she didn't have to feel guilty for sleeping with this guy. She needed to say to herself, " I wouldn't be doing this if he didn't do it first by dancing and flirting with other girls. This is his fault and he deserves it."

 

Dude, she's a cheater and you deserve better. Don't play by her timeline. This is YOUR time. NC and heal from this dude. Ignore everything she sends your way. I mean EVERYTHING!!! BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!!!

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I wanted to change the locks weeks ago, but the agency I rent the house from would probably charge me quite a nice amount of money for it.

 

I can't dump her stuff as I don't drive and it's 300km away. I know she may try to sneak in, so when I go on holiday I intend to leave a key with my neighbour just to keep an eye on things. Unfortunately I know how pathetic it sounds that I still play by her timeline.

 

I totally agree. All the time she tried to make me look bad to make her believe what she's done was right. Occasionally she would send me a message how I didn't tell her when 6 months ago when I met with my best mate, his fiancee brought a girl that I used to have some feelings fir. WTF? If she had problem with it, she could have told me that 6 months ago, I had nothing to hide...

 

I am definitely not waiting for her. I know it looks that way, but probably it's still my decency not allowing me to turn to complete ignorant - which anyway I should. Unfortunately I have to wait till "her majesty" comes to pick those things up but the good thing is I already have nothing left to tell her, so I'm just gonna say "take your stuff and have a nice life"...

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Dude, talk to the agency and ask how much it would cost. Doesn't hurt to ask and it might not be as much as you think.

 

If she doesn't have a lot of crap there, then box it all up and drop it in the post. I wouldn't mind losing a few dollars, or pounds or whatever if it meant keeping my sanity and not wondering if she going to break into my place and bring in whoever!

 

Plus, it shows her that YOUR taking control and that you want everything about her GONE!!!!

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Dude, talk to the agency and ask how much it would cost. Doesn't hurt to ask and it might not be as much as you think.

 

If she doesn't have a lot of crap there, then box it all up and drop it in the post. I wouldn't mind losing a few dollars, or pounds or whatever if it meant keeping my sanity and not wondering if she going to break into my place and bring in whoever!

 

Plus, it shows her that YOUR taking control and that you want everything about her GONE!!!!

 

 

Exactly.....!

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Already wanted to do that. However the fact that it's 10 big boxes would cost me a fortune, which I can't afford at the moment. Asking my agency for quote to change the locks would first sparkle series of questions: Why am I asking in the first place? I actually wanted to change the locks few days after we saw each other last time, as I knew it was a mistake plus that she wouldn't use it..

 

Of course I would have to say I lost the keys or something, which then would be no-going-back situation even if they demand another fortune :D

 

But I know it's just one of those situations. My fault that I created it so I have get through it. I may get a flat mate soon anyway, which will be like a perfect solution!

 

Your input is really appreciated. I personally can't wait for her to pick those things up and be done with her for good. And next time she says "I really thought we could be friends" - I'm just gonna laugh (subtly)..

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Dude, now you're just making excuses. I thinking that you WANT to see her one last time. Perhaps to make one more ditch effort to win her back?

 

So what if it sparks some questions with the agency! Big deal! All you want from them is a quote!

 

And as far as 10 boxes of stuff, dude, I have a friend with a van and if I gave him gas money and a case of beer, we would hit the road with those 10 boxes and dump them out at her new place.

 

If it's 10 boxes of stuff, do you honestly think she would come alone to haul it all out? Hell no! She might bring her new boy toy. Do you really want to see them together? Or, if you're going on holiday, doyou want some strangers going through your place when you're not there? I know I wouldn't! I would be damned if that happens.

 

If you REALLY can't do the above, then I would leave a key with a trusted friend while your away and have your friend oversee the move out (along with you planting an open box of condoms and a bra that isn't hers to find...J/K :p)

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I wish those were excuses, but that's why I wanted the key first, but can't help the fact she's so ignorant that she couldn't send it four weeks ago.

 

Win her back? no no no, I don't give a flying monkey about seeing her with the new boy-toy, just want her to take the things and get out. I may be moving out soon so if that happens I am gonna leave the stuff here, and notify her that I do not care what's gonna happen to it.

 

I know it looks like I want to see her again, but I'm not bothered. It's just the way I am, unfortunately. I don't need more drama. So I just want to be finished with her.

 

I already talked to my neighbour who's gonna come over and check if all is ok in the house while I'm away. He's ex-military, and honest man so I know he'll let me know if something is out of place..

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So I got "Hi, how are you today" from her, after 10 days.. should I bother to respond? I got the same from her sister 2 days ago. I have kept in touch with her for the past two months, but I don't know.

 

Should I just respond with one-liner like "all is good, thanks" and finish the conversation, or ignore it completely. considering the facts above?

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Finally, tomorrow she's gonna pick all her things up (after yesterday's argument I guess she still thinks I'm bothered by her "i'm the boss" display")..

 

I don't really know what should I say to her. I want it to be civilized but if she comes before I come from work then I don't have to worry.

 

Tomorrow I also go on my holiday so I hope she actually comes before I have to leave for the airport :D It's gonna be interesting!

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Have a friend meet her at the house and have him or her lock it up after she's gone. You have to get to the airport!!! You have to make sure you get through the security lines and making sure you get to your gate in time!

 

:)

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In the end it was her who wanted to see me. She came on the day I was leaving for holiday, we talked, but this time she saw my cold expression when I talked about how she has to learn from mistakes she made, because I already did. She cried a lot, then just left. She didn't say much, over the past months she became very distant in general, not just me. While back she was always the one who could say everything in everyone's faces with no trouble, now she lost it completely.

 

I got some text messages few hours later that she couldn't recognize me, that I had different eyes and she can't believe it. Later on she send another one saying again she doesn't know what she feels and if she hurts another person (her current bf) she will be devasted.

 

I know it may sounds bad but after she left my house, I felt so good. I though I'd be in distress, remembering stuff etc. but absolutely not. Then I realized this was the first time since the break up when I had the psychological advantage over her. Because this time I could show her that I'm over her, and with my distant voice and eyes I could explain her that what she did was wrong.

 

So now I'm enjoying my hoiday. I don't text her anymore even though she sent one "I expected a message from you today" yesterday, but when we talked I explained many times that I can't be in contact for her. Maybe someday but I can't promise anything, not when looking at her picture or in her eyes (which I was doing) is producing images of her in bed with different guy. She cried a lot, and huged me many times which I didn't respond to. She had me in her life and lost it. I could finally tell her everything in her face, without feeling any regret or anything..

 

I didn't want to meet her that day. But she rearranged her day with new bf to meet me (which he wasn'e happy about, looked at me like I'm the bad guy in this situation) and I have to say, that was her best decision ever. I could thank her for giving me the opportunity to show that it's over, but on my terms. It feels good now. I can enjoy my holiday to the full. Shame I brought rain with me! :/

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