Unwanted48 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I have been married for 28 yrs. He is my best friend and my world. Over the years I have devoted myself to him and our children; to the extent that I have alienated any friends and family that I had left. Now he has announced that he is tired of trying to make me happy and he is done. I thought we were doing well, this was a shot out of the blue. Our child are all grown, I have no job, no driver's license, no friends, no family, and am suffering from poor health. I do not know what to do. It's been two months and I can't stop crying. Please tell me it gets easier.
eleve82 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 It does. It starts by enabling yourself to base your happiness on your own life and achievements. Build up your life and health, rediscover what defines you and makes you happy. Reflect on whether there is some truth in what your husband said (however minute), and work on it. The reality is that no partner enjoys watching their spouse gradually lose their identity and independence. If you changed drastically after getting married, think about why and whether the things that first attracted him to you are still there. When you come out stronger at the end of this, you might find yourself being a happier person than before. 1
Yasuandio Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 It does. It starts by enabling yourself to base your happiness on your own life and achievements. Build up your life and health, rediscover what defines you and makes you happy. Reflect on whether there is some truth in what your husband said (however minute), and work on it. The reality is that no partner enjoys watching their spouse gradually lose their identity and independence. If you changed drastically after getting married, think about why and whether the things that first attracted him to you are still there. When you come out stronger at the end of this, you might find yourself being a happier person than before. All of this is very true -- and contains some excellent advice. I could not state it better myself. I am in a position to tell you that it will get easier. My divorce was final last September. I met my husband in 1980 -- and we married in 1985. So, this past June would have been out 28th Anniversary. That said, the demise of your marriage is not all on you. However - to progress, the focus must be ALL on yourself, only, now. Your post is short - without much detail. And that is fine. I would recommend that you research some of the recent advices of readings I have proposed to others that are suffering. I have recently listed so many of them in detail to other posters, but not really sure what to suggest to you. LS is a wonderful community - and you can learn from others passages. More than 50% of the population goes thru the divorce process. There are over 52 million single people in the United States over the age of 50, as per data research from March.com (not sure how accurate it is - but the figures seem logical). Now that several years have past since separating from my husband (andmy divorce is final), I have taken the plunge, and finially tried the new method of dating on-line. To my surprise, in just two months, there are close to 4000 views of my profile on the Match -- all eligible men in my age range. But, I still do not yet feel ready for any relationship. Take the time to heal yourself -- and love yourself again. Apply wisdom - try and try to see all the good that can come from this situation. First of all - you have total freedom - this is a gift! You have so much more time to devote to yourself, and your own interests. You were a wonderful woman before you ever met this man. Find her again. I promise you, it will get easier - and you will look back on this time, and you will be happy with your new life. Yas 1
elfman Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) I have been married for 28 yrs. He is my best friend and my world. Over the years I have devoted myself to him and our children; to the extent that I have alienated any friends and family that I had left. Now he has announced that he is tired of trying to make me happy and he is done. I thought we were doing well, this was a shot out of the blue. Our child are all grown, I have no job, no driver's license, no friends, no family, and am suffering from poor health. I do not know what to do. It's been two months and I can't stop crying. Please tell me it gets easier. Hello, I am sorry to hear your story. I can relate to your situation. When my wife decided she wanted out, she could NOT have picked a worse time for me. I was overweight, smoking 2 packs a day, was totally socially alienated, depended on our business together for financial stability... After a bit of time I can honestly say that being so low was fatal in 2 ways: 1) My low self-esteem was not attractive at all, meaning she wanted to leave even more. 2) The fear of her leaving got me to act very poorly in my attempts to get her back, and everything I did made me even less attractive (kissing her butt, pleading, crying). I know you think your current state is unsurmountable, I have been there, however, you have to take SMALL, BABY STEPS in each department. I can advise: a) If you want him back or if you want a jump start into independence, read THIS b) Have you identified where your poor health is coming from? have you been diagnosed? If not, get to the doctor. c) Contact a lawyer. Even though you might feel helpless, from what I have read of cases in the US and most first world countries, you're entitled to half your husband's estate, and he will have to pay support if you get a good lawyer. Do a free consultation but prepare yourself for it, write down the questions in a comprehensive way. d) Start working out, go get your hair done, paint your nails, whatever it takes to have you looking and, more importantly, FEELING good about yourself. e) Understand that there is little you can do to change his mind directly, but indirectly you CAN convince him he's making a mistake, without telling him, once he sees you being assertive about moving on with your life. f) DO NOT PLAY THE VICTIM, even if you deserve to, just dont, it is not seductive, and if you want him back, you HAVE to seduce him into coming back, not in the sexual sense, but rather in the sense that he finds a new and unexplained attraction for you because you seem independently taking care of your life. g) Find out if there is a third party involved. It is very rare for men to leave their wives (less than half of divorces are initiated by the man). If you do feel something is off, trust it, but be careful and do NOT let him know you're looking and digging around. Also, tell him nothing if you find out, wait till you have sufficient evidence, and then do 2 things... take the evidence to your lawyer, and then give it to him without making a scene. As Yas said, your post is very short. I CAN tell you that there are a lot of people here, such as Yas, who have posted and have access to wonderful information to help you out. Welcome to LS, take care and good luck. E. Edited July 7, 2013 by elfman 1
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