The 180

[jaymz]

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don't schedule dates together.

 

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

 

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

[coopster]

this should be made a sticky, or we`ll just `bump` it every now and then jaymz !

[pteromom]

Thanks for posting these! Are there 180 things, or just 33?

[coopster]

there`s 180 do`s and don`ts , combined into 33 sections

 

i.e number 1 has 6 alone, so on , so forth

[pteromom]

A-ha! Thanks!

[coopster]

i`m kidding! sorry, I`m in a really good mood tonight! Imagine a one way street? But going against the flow, going in the wrong direction? Do a 180.. you start going in the right direction, the way you should be going ( i.e.... the right way ) ... you turn it around for the `advantage of you ` ( and not everyone else you`re crashing/dumping/ getting dumped from )

Edited February 21, 2012 by coopster

[pteromom]

LOL... and I thought you were serious! In my defense, I didn't go back through the 33 items to make sure there were 180 of them.

[coopster]

LOL... and I thought you were serious! In my defense, I didn't go back through the 33 items to make sure there were 180 of them.

 

or me, again i`m just guessing!!! but it made you smile

 

for me , it`s just look at it , take what you need, use it to you`re advantage, and ignore the rest. It`s just a guide line, nothing is set in stone. It`s a `guide` , hope this helps

Edited February 22, 2012 by coopster

[Bradly]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

 

I need to read this everyday until its stuck in my head.

[jaymz]

Coop, you old wag!

 

The list isn't exhaustive and does consist of 33 items or areas you need to think about making the "180" in. They are not a relationship "quick fix", they are to help YOU moving in the right direction.

 

Not sure why they havent been posted before here and googling for it can be hit n miss at times, but I have added to my sig too!

 

Am reading these over again to remind myself where I have been lax in, lol.

[fucpcg]

If I could buy this as a poster and hang on my wall, I would. One additional thing I would add, one of simplest, yet best quotes I have read since losing a girl that I was once engaged to:

 

Anger brings damage and loss.

[worldgonewrong]

One thing I've noticed about The 180:

 

at a certain point, one gets so sick of the ex's bullsh_t that The 180 comes naturally. It's not a matter of 'hoping it works' or using it as a tool one way or the other; one just ends up adopting it because the alternatives are too distracting and soul-sucking.

[dreamingoftigers]

True, true.

 

It worked very well with my husband. It wasn't all in a straight line, however. We've definitely had our waves.

 

Eventually he has had to take a communication course and that vastly improved things. Once he was able to (mostly) rid himself of passive-aggressive communication, things were a lot better and now we are able to at least work together for the sake of our daughter.

 

I would totally recommend EFT therapy for anyone who is able to get their spouse into MC. it has a 75-80% success rate.

[jaymz]

Must remind myself to read through regularly, easy to forget and slip back at times

[lee777]

First I want to say I agree with everything mentioned in the 180.

 

If you're separated and you're devastated and you want to try to win your spouse back, in my opinion, you first have to be willing to completely let them go.

 

1) DO work on yourself ... most importantly the opinion you have of yourself.

 

2) DO seek therapy from a professional if you're emotionally spent ... this includes crying while thinking of him/her, always talking about him/her, and blaming yourself for losing him/her.

 

3) DO improve your body ... use the separation as motivation to get your butt in to shape.

 

4) DO treat your spouse with respect, and DO NOT discuss anything about your personal life outside of finances & children.

 

5) DO have a LARGE smile on your face when you see your spouse.

 

6) DO end stupid habits that both you and your spouse dislike ... smoking, drinking too much, being fat, cheating, etc ...

 

7) DO not date!

 

The object is to make your spouse believe that they may have lost you. You want them to think that you're available and desirable to another person.

 

The first month I was seperated from my spouse, I broke into a thousand pieces. I cried, begged and pleaded for her to come home. It only pushed her away further as her goal at that time was to inflict pain on me. She was hurt and angry at me. Once I realized that her anger was an indication that she still had an emotional connection to me, I was off to the races ...

 

I stopped smoking. I lost 55 lbs. I joined the gym. I developed healthy eating habits. I did seek therapy from a pro. I did change my wardrobe. I did dye my hair. I did become a lot more attractive to beautiful women.

 

After several months of this, my wife completely changed her opinion of me. I had stopped asking her to come home. I did inform her that I still loved her, however I was secure in the fact that I would meet someone else if our marriage didn't workout. I did tell my wife that everything in my life was fine.

 

After about 9 months, my wife asked me to come home. That was almost 2 years ago. We are about to celebrate our 20th year of marriage. I love her more than anything.

 

Good luck to anyone dealing with separation or divorce.

[Steadfast]

Interesting experiences Lee. After I read your post, I went back and read your history. Infidelity wasn't an issue in your relationship, correct? I only say that because the 180 really is geared for those facing that situation.

 

Please don't take my response as complete criticism, but your wife seems more than a little superficial. And while I too enjoy being fit (and desire that in my romantic interests) it takes more than physical attraction to sustain a relationship. To be fair, I know you worked on yourself. I am happy you reconciled and 'remade' yourself into a better man. But...

 

Some time ago at a life coaching workshop, I met a couple who also reconciled. Their story was fairly typical; married 17-years, two kids Jr. High aged, he was a welder and she worked for the local school district. She was bored and losing attraction for her husband, and when a handsome administrator started paying attention to her she didn't fight the temptation for long. She justified it by saying her needs weren't being met, the spark had left their marriage and she had 'changed'. New goals and new dreams. He fought it; begged and pleaded, admitted his faults and swore to change. Finding no success, he proved his love by letting her go.

 

But really, he had no choice. She was gone and he couldn't change it.

 

Mr. Handsome moved in six-months after the divorce and the romance continued. A beautiful couple, her girlfriends (who encouraged the affair and enjoyed the drama) praised and envied her. He even charmed her mother! She was more than a little confused and guilty that her children took to the new man so quickly, but she explained it away it by telling herself that it truly was meant to be. Besides, her ex was bitter and grumpy; living in a small mobile home, paying most of his wages towards child support and the rest on cigarettes and booze. 35-lb lighter but with a beer belly, his face had drawn out until his teeth gaped. Her guilt peaked when friends and family expressed concern for his rapid aging.

 

Attending the funeral of a friend's mother, she said the thought of her not being buried next to the father of her children hit her like a ton of bricks. Two weeks later, rising out of a fitful sleep in the middle of the night, she told her boyfriend he had to leave in the morning. Her ex dominated her thoughts day and night; the broken promises, her bad example and separating the children from their father for her own selfish needs. He never cheated. He worked hard. She remembered the thousands of little things he had done for her, never asking for anything in return. Grieving, she asked him to come home but he said he'd rather die alone. Go back to him. Leave me alone.

 

In time and with loving patience, he came around. They remarried eight-months later. The odd couple. The perfect husband? No. The perfect father? No. "Then why?" I asked. "Well, he might have been a mess, but he was my mess." She laughed. Trading selfishness for honor and dignity, her love wasn't skin deep. His never changed.

 

The bottom line? How hard is it to 'love' someone who's got it all, all the time? Does anyone ever, really? What happens if age, accident, disease or whatever turns the healthy and desirable into damaged and ugly? It's great to be the best we possibly can be, but true love -real love- loves even the unlovable.

Edited March 14, 2012 by Steadfast

[lee777]

"but your wife seems more than a little superficial. And while I too enjoy being fit (and desire that in my romantic interests) it takes more than physical attraction to sustain a relationship."

 

FYI ... It was never about my wife being "superficial", but rather ABOUT THE WAY I FELT ABOUT MYSELF! The image you have of yourself is connected on many layers ... this includes emotional & social, and it reflects in all parts of your life. When my wife left me, it wasn't because I had become a fat lazy slob, BUT rather because I had become so self centered that I was completely ignoring her needs. I was so selfish I didn't even see it myself.

 

Now with that said, when I went through my emotional and physical transformation, I did feel very different about myself ... I did respect myself ... I did feel great about the accomplishment of losing 55 lbs ... and my confidence went from the dungeon to the stratosphere. And that was the key to winning my wife back. She didn't take me back because I looked terrific, but rather because I had removed all the baggage that had manifested in my life, causing me to stop caring, and I had transformed into an older version of the person she fell in love with 2 decades prior.

[jaymz]

Had another read through it today

[Jethro]

This is insane. So I should pretend to be someone I am not by burying the fact that I am crushed, miserable, horrified and afraid? I don't know how I'm supposed to live that lie.

[jaymz]

This is insane. So I should pretend to be someone I am not by burying the fact that I am crushed, miserable, horrified and afraid? I don't know how I'm supposed to live that lie.

 

Read it again. You are presenting a much more attractive YOU towards your partner and it helps you on the road to healing. Sure it goes against everything you believe is the right thing to do, but it works.

 

You can be the real you with family & friends.

[Jethro]

Hmm, well I guess it's worth a shot. I have nothing to lose, and I'll admit, I'd like to actually feel and live like those bullet points. So I'll give it a go and hopefully like the poster above said, it will eventually come naturally.

[jaymz]

Had another read through today