heston Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 i am 17 years old than my wife, she is 30. we have been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old child. my wife recently went on holiday to south africa (home country) to stay with family, originally for 11 days but lengthend to 23. on return she told me she thinks we should seperate/divorce, no previous suggestions. she cited that the spark had gone out for her, that she loved me like a friend not a husband. she said that she had met a guy over there but nothing happened and she had a spark/connection with him, giving her a kick up the butt she needed to tell me she was unhappy. we talked/argued and i agreed with her that some spark had left the marriage. however i wanted to work at it to make it return, she plainly refused. after talks, emails etc she reluctently agreed to let me try. that was a week ago and we've had good moments but mostly ****. i realise now that i do love her and will do anything to help save the marriage. her mindset is to get out as quick as possible. i have found out she has been email, texting etc the guy and even looked at rules for getting him in country, when asked she says their 'mates' i do believe nothing happened however im worried that she has decided she wants out and this geezer is for her, she has known him less than a month. surely she is still feeling the holiday glow and not thinking clearly ? i want us to work, do u think i can ? advice ??
jf2good Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think your leaving a lot out. She is in love or lust or whatever and the hormones make her feel great, so how are you going to beat that? She has the 7 year itch. So why were you unaware that she was unhappy before she left "spark had gone out" and you did nothing until the crisis now? You mentioned e-mailing her, is she even living with you? Where is the mention about seeing a marriage counselor? Also how did you meet and what are the cultural issues between you too? Last of all do you make rockets go off in her head when doing sex or are you the minuteman reporting for duty, get it over so we can work in the morning?
Author heston Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 we are living together, not in same bed at minute. her decision after holiday. we both noticed a boredom in the relationship before she went on holiday but never acted until now, she wants out i want to try. the guy has obviously turned her head while she was away and all i'm asking is that she makes decision for right reasons and not for some ideallic picture in her head, is that wrong ? all i'm asking is to open a door a bit to see if i can get in and find something to cling to. what can i do to show her how i feel or am i wasting my time ???
Author heston Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 forgot to add, she doesn't want to see counsellor
elfman Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) i am 17 years old than my wife, she is 30. we have been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old child. my wife recently went on holiday to south africa (home country) to stay with family, originally for 11 days but lengthend to 23. on return she told me she thinks we should seperate/divorce, no previous suggestions. she cited that the spark had gone out for her, that she loved me like a friend not a husband. she said that she had met a guy over there but nothing happened and she had a spark/connection with him, giving her a kick up the butt she needed to tell me she was unhappy. we talked/argued and i agreed with her that some spark had left the marriage. however i wanted to work at it to make it return, she plainly refused. after talks, emails etc she reluctently agreed to let me try. that was a week ago and we've had good moments but mostly ****. i realise now that i do love her and will do anything to help save the marriage. her mindset is to get out as quick as possible. i have found out she has been email, texting etc the guy and even looked at rules for getting him in country, when asked she says their 'mates' i do believe nothing happened however im worried that she has decided she wants out and this geezer is for her, she has known him less than a month. surely she is still feeling the holiday glow and not thinking clearly ? i want us to work, do u think i can ? advice ?? Hey bud, sorry to hear this, especially since I feel like I am the one telling the story... The exact same thing happened to me, Vacation, originally one week, to Italy, turned into 3 weeks, come back, want a divorce, guy over there promising the moon and stars and all that crap. I am sorry to tell you this, but take the "nothing happened" with a grain of salt. It is MORE THAN LIKELY that something happened, I would bet my pinky on it. As to getting back together, understand this: THE WILL has to come from both parties, otherwise it wont work. I went to counseling, tried everything, kissed her ass and made myself her pawn for the better part of 2 years and STILL it didnt work. The advice you can find HERE can be of help, NC and The 180... you have to be assertive, its the only way to get her to wake up from this ridiculous dream that life with a guy she doesnt know and has to bring over from another country will be better for her. You have to become attractive in the sense that you are a MAN and will accept NO BS on her wild midlife crisis. Also, consider gathering more information on this "so far EA", but do not confront her, do not even think of discussing it even if you find a video of them screwing... there will be a time for that, but IT IS NOT NOW. THE BEST advice I can give you is: STOP trying to show her how you feel, STOP trying to show her you love her, that will not gain you anything... she's the one with doubts... what you have to SHOW her is that if she doesnt value your marriage, you're more than ready to move on. Trust me this is the best way to go about it... after this, she will likely be the one asking you to save the marriage. YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT, stay busy so you dont think constantly about this, and swallow hard, it will be painful. Hope it gets better before it gets worse. Take care. E. Edited July 5, 2013 by elfman
Bluesandy Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 mmmm I can feel your pain.. Happened to me, and I didn't do anything cause I didn,t know it was that serious with her boss, so I lost my wife... When usually someone tells you I love you but I am not in love with you and you suspect or you know she might be with someone, that just mean I am in love with some one else.. What to do? Each case is different.. and sure, the best game to play is the one elfman told you, cause when someone is in doubt, you must be strong and showing you are in control..
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hey bud, sorry to hear this, especially since I feel like I am the one telling the story... The exact same thing happened to me, Vacation, originally one week, to Italy, turned into 3 weeks, come back, want a divorce, guy over there promising the moon and stars and all that crap. I am sorry to tell you this, but take the "nothing happened" with a grain of salt. It is MORE THAN LIKELY that something happened, I would bet my pinky on it. As to getting back together, understand this: THE WILL has to come from both parties, otherwise it wont work. I went to counseling, tried everything, kissed her ass and made myself her pawn for the better part of 2 years and STILL it didnt work. The advice you can find HERE can be of help, NC and The 180... you have to be assertive, its the only way to get her to wake up from this ridiculous dream that life with a guy she doesnt know and has to bring over from another country will be better for her. You have to become attractive in the sense that you are a MAN and will accept NO BS on her wild midlife crisis. Also, consider gathering more information on this "so far EA", but do not confront her, do not even think of discussing it even if you find a video of them screwing... there will be a time for that, but IT IS NOT NOW. THE BEST advice I can give you is: STOP trying to show her how you feel, STOP trying to show her you love her, that will not gain you anything... she's the one with doubts... what you have to SHOW her is that if she doesnt value your marriage, you're more than ready to move on. Trust me this is the best way to go about it... after this, she will likely be the one asking you to save the marriage. YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT, stay busy so you dont think constantly about this, and swallow hard, it will be painful. Hope it gets better before it gets worse. Take care. E. ^^^^^^^ This.... Read it again and there are men around here that can help you through it if you chose the 180. Kissing her rump won't get you anywhere. This isn't about the loss of spark, this is about someone else. What are her suggestions for custody of your three year old?
Author heston Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 thanks for the advice and i understand it all, however there must be sometimes a reason to keep trying, keep trying to show that you care ? and E for the record how did you situation with your wife pan out ??
elfman Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) thanks for the advice and i understand it all, however there must be sometimes a reason to keep trying, keep trying to show that you care ? and E for the record how did you situation with your wife pan out ?? Hey bud, Well, yes and no. If you are dealing with a WS, her thinking is not clear, meaning she is not interested in you caring. You have to get her to wake up, then you can show her all the love in the world. In my honest opinion you need to show strenght, rather than dependence. My situation ended in divorce... My wife was unfaithful at some point (I am sure but have no proof) and I decided I could not forgive her because she showed to be assigning no value to our marriage. I tried my best, but in the end, the will has to be mutual, and in my case it was not. I am doing great, my job is great, and my life with my children is better than ever. I have had many dates, some have led somewhere some havent, and I can honestly say my divorce was a good thing for me in the end. It turns out this "affair" she had was, of course, bull****, the guy was a good-for-nothing prick who let her go baly as soon as she dumped me and he had had sex with her enough times... So there you have it... Recently she called me to "talk about US", I stopped her right there... It's been 1.5 years and now she is giving a little thought to what she threw away. I am not interested in her anymore, not in the least, in fact I pity her for her short thinking. Take care. E. Edited July 6, 2013 by elfman
Author heston Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 i understand with the your reasons, but with respect, it's a marriage i'm trying to save, i'm not trying to train a dog. surely a period of trial and error, as in understanding, communication and trying to reach some level you can build on is a better way to start. i know all the theories about closed minds once a female partner has made their decision but going straight into a "i'm not bothered" mode is playing into that trap. i love my wife with everything i have and agree with her that our marriage had lost the spark or the energy, whatever you want to call it and i believe she hasn't cheated on me in terms of sex etc, i can't and will never be 100& certain but i believe her unhappiness has been boosted by the attention this geezer has gave her and there is obviously a physical attraction, she's fell in lust in you like. i can deal with this and forgive this but surely its better to try and remind her of what the marriage was like when it was good rather than pushing her further away and risking what little you have left ??
elfman Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 i understand with the your reasons, but with respect, it's a marriage i'm trying to save, i'm not trying to train a dog. surely a period of trial and error, as in understanding, communication and trying to reach some level you can build on is a better way to start. i know all the theories about closed minds once a female partner has made their decision but going straight into a "i'm not bothered" mode is playing into that trap. i love my wife with everything i have and agree with her that our marriage had lost the spark or the energy, whatever you want to call it and i believe she hasn't cheated on me in terms of sex etc, i can't and will never be 100& certain but i believe her unhappiness has been boosted by the attention this geezer has gave her and there is obviously a physical attraction, she's fell in lust in you like. i can deal with this and forgive this but surely its better to try and remind her of what the marriage was like when it was good rather than pushing her further away and risking what little you have left ?? Hey bud, WS = Wayward Spouse. I understand what you are saying, I was in the same situation, my advice is based on what happened to me. I cannot give you a 100% sure fail-safe strategy, and ultimately you have to discard any advice you get that does not sound right to you, there is no harm done, and noone in LS gets points or money for people taking their advice. In my opinion, the little you have left is already at risk, but again, my advice is based on my own experience. Good luck and take care of yourself, let us know how its going, we're here to help. E.
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