The "G.I.G.S" philosophy. All welcome, any information appreciated.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Hi everyone.

 

So this is a continuation of my situation in my relationship at the moment. (if you haven't read that yet, It's in my profile, or here if the link works:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/397059-early-20s-long-term-couple-halt

 

After the argument that we had, we seemed to have sorted some things out, and started becoming closer again over the last month. That was until recently.

 

I had been talking with her about what I thought was a reasonably innocent conversation, though I should have thought more. I was telling the story of a friend of mine who was being unfaithful to his girlfriend. When she asked me what I would do in that situation, I replied "I'd really like to think I would say no. I'm pretty sure I'd say no if the offer was right in front of me".

 

(We haven't been having sex since the start of this situation, about 2 months now)

 

When I asked her the same question, it was a straight "I don't know". We spoke more about it, and I was upset that she might have the desire to sleep with other people, but couldn't with me at the present. So I told her that we weren't in a relationship again until sage figured it out. Not in a hostile way, but I just couldn't do it.

I thought about it over the next day, and came to the conclusion that one of us should move out. She decided that it should be her.

 

I've been pretty heart broken over this, and have been trying to let what will be, be. From reading all the useful insights and posts on here, I came across the "grass is greener syndrome" philosophy. Which I think a lot of what is described there is happening to myself and her, although we're kind of more conscious about it.

 

(if you haven't read homebrew's thread on it, check it out)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

I guess from researching both sides of it, I've begun to understand it for myself more as well as from her perspective. She must be pretty Damn confused.

 

I think I could understand a lot more if she said that she no longer loved me, or was no longer attracted to me, but she won't. She says she thinks its something that she needs to get out of her system, because she doesn't want to be with me and have those feelings. She says she hopes when she's done with these things that maybe ill be there and she can commit to me whole heartedly. She still says she doesn't doubt that I'm the one, and that she wants a life and children with me, she just doesn't want to resent me in years to come.

 

I'm just at a loss with it all really.

 

I guess I just wanted to hear from others out there from both sides of it, and outcomes, progressions experienced out of it.

 

I value this site and its users very highly, and I respect the right to everyone's own opinions, but I'd like a relatively clean post please.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from some of you soon.

[Justletgo]

My perspective after being broken up for 6+ months now. Where she was fine with it and started dating the guy 'friend' (in her words) immediately after (5 days to be exact).

Also after having read hundreds of similar situations.

 

The more non-chalant you are about it and the more she feels asif you don't care, the more it will affect her.

Eventually though, because she is with him she will not feel lonely and probably won't want you back.

 

People like this might come back after their new relationship ends/ when they are lonely years from now. And they expect it to be the same I think. But they ofcourse don't understand the rejection.

 

As my name says, just let go. Forcing yourself to go no contact is the best. Although I struggled with it for months I eventually did and even went on a date. It makes it works better than having contact in my opinion!

[simpleguycomplicated]

Thanks for your reply. I know NC is the way to go, its just Damn hard when she is almost guaranteeing that she will be back. She says its just a phase, like she wants to get it out of her system and then be completely for me. She says its not about wanting to be emotionally connected to anyone else, because she still loves me, she just doesn't want to resent me.

 

A part of me is saying move on, but then the other part doesn't want to in the hope of reconcile. I am just so lost without her. :-(

[maturityassets]

Thanks for your reply. I know NC is the way to go, its just Damn hard when she is almost guaranteeing that she will be back. She says its just a phase, like she wants to get it out of her system and then be completely for me. She says its not about wanting to be emotionally connected to anyone else, because she still loves me, she just doesn't want to resent me.

 

A part of me is saying move on, but then the other part doesn't want to in the hope of reconcile. I am just so lost without her. :-(

I literally got the same exact line from my ex. She said that "It was just a phase" that "it would be nice if I waited", " I know one day I'll definitely message you to come back". Look honestly you can't live for that. You don't just go into a relationship knowing it's serious right off the back. There is nothing appealing about it. So do you know what happened to me when I found out she was hooking up with other guys and she had the audacity to tell me? I got jealous, I talked to her best friend about it, she found out, she then decided she never wants to date me again apparently. So look whatever is being fed to you, regardless if it is genuine or not, is controlling your life.

It's time to part ways for your sake. Time to figure out what makes you, you again. Time to improve and be happy with yourself and stop thinking of your life as "our's" but as yours now. NC is only the first step. You can do this because its only fair for you to do so. Best of luck!

[simpleguycomplicated]

Thanks for your reply mate. Yeah, I have a part of me telling myself not to take stock in it, but i guess that I'm just blinded by my feelings about her. I'll first and foremost look at myself through this I think.