simpleguycomplicated Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 Hi everyone, This is a long story, but I'll try to make it as comprehensible as possible and summarize it as best I can. So I'm a 23 year old male, living in Melbourne, Australia. I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for a little over 5 years now, with the same woman. We started dating when we were 18, and have basically been best friends since we were 15. We both moved interstate together into a house we both share a couple of years ago in order for her to complete university while I work full time. She has recently come back from a university trip in Europe (about three weeks in duration) and ever since our relationship has been turned upside down. I'm not so naive that I think there weren't major contributing factors that were there before she left, but it seems like this whole being away from one another really set things off. So to what happened: the night that she left, we were telling each other how in love with one another we were, excited about futures, ect, and about a week and a half into her trip, she started questioning our relationship when placed into comparison with the other people she was meeting and spending time with. After a while of all of this, things got worse while she was over there between us, and I snapped and broke it off. We talked a little about it while she was still there and agreed to talk about it when she arrived back to Australia. Since she has arrived back, we spoke about what we both individually want from life, and each other, and what problems she perceived to be in our relationship. After that talk, we had agreed we both wanted to stay together and try to work it out as a couple. The issues were my current personal problems, getting over some major deaths in my family, my depression, and consequent moods and lowered sex drive due to medication, our complacent lifestyle, and I guess her being scared it would always be like that. I've acknowledged this, and its early days yet, but I'm making an effort wherever I can. Seeing a psychologist, taking her out to do fun things instead of being at home all the time in our spare time. Throughout the week, things were going up and down, conversations were sometimes good, and sometimes non existent. She'd want to hug and kiss me, then couldn't bare the thought of any affection. This lasted for about 5 days until all of my stress got the better of me, and I snapped and told her she should just do what she wanted. This escalated into the worst argument we've ever had, and a lot of things I know I'm not proud of. (expressing suicidal feelings which were momentary, yelling, looking at her phone, punching the car). I flipped out once I saw some messages from a guy she had hooked up with overseas, granted we were broken up at the time, I feel like 5 years together would take more than 1 day to decide to have a big make out session with body touching going on. The next morning we were done arguing, but I had moved to the spare room, and she was planning to move out. She was looking at places to rent, and said a lot of this has to do with the fact that she is unsure of what she wants, and she feels like she has to have some alone time. Which I'm upset about, but I am not going to force free will. A day after that, she comes into my spare room, and says there's no reason why we can't work it all out and grow and change together. She wants me to get better and she wants to support me through my depression and recovery, but still says she wants to learn to be a couple again, and we can't be in a relationship at this time. She isn't comfortable hugging too much, and both kissing and sex are off the table at this time for her. I guess I was just hoping to gain some perspective, and see if anyone has some similar situations they have been in? Or someone with sensible advice? Or just an opinion really. I know I'm in love with her, I want to work things out, but at what cost? I'm going crazy with all the flip flopping. Are there major things I'm doing wrong which I have yet to notice? Or are there issues with the way either of us are approaching this? As far as I can tell, although were both young and have been together for a long period of time, we both still do love each other and want to be with each other indefinitely. Thanks for reading and I look forward to some responses.
wascal Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 When i first started reading this. I thought this was my boyfriend! Hi there, I am in the same position you are in, i have been with my partner for over 5 years and we have been in a stale point of our relationship for a while too. I met him when i was 17 and have been with him ever since. Alot of time has passed by and because we both meet our life partners so young i think the lines get blurred. I will tell you one thing. The grass isnt always greener. If you choose to leave your girlfriend and try with another, i think you would once again hit this standstill. Maybe there are people out there that have fairy tale relationships and if there are! please do tell. I will use the advice on this forum for my own good too. I think the only way to get through it. Make it exciting again. Try dating your girlfriend.
Author simpleguycomplicated Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply. And yeah, my heart stopped when I read the first few sentences you wrote, because I thought maybe my partner had stumbled across my post... It's really good to know in a way that there are people in identical circumstances, similar ages, problems ect, that don't want to give up either. We've decided to do exactly that, start dating again, getting to know each other again. As far as I can tell, after that massive fight where we thought we were doomed, its gotten better slightly. Kinda like we got all of the really horrible stuff out of the way. I'm just struggling, because she said shew wants it to work, she won't move out, because she thinks more distance will end us, but were not hugging, kissing or showing physical affection a lot at all, as I'm waiting for her to be ready, and sex is non existent. What specifically caused the rift with your relationship? And which party is the ambivalent one? I would really like to hear more, as I have empathy for your situation and am sorry you're also in it, its really helpful to read others' stories. Thanks again, and I hope to hear from you soon.
moneyneversleeps Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 in terms of your age and length of your relationship we are practically in the same boat. I would be fairly angry that she kissed someone in such a short amount of time however.. Being young, i believe grass is greener is a massive factor in both parties. I think the only way to get through this is to really encourage eachother to follow your dreams. Otherwise, you will just end up resenting each other. At this age, we all start to think, i haven't played up/made achievements before i settle down, have kids, etc etc. It is a difficult age. I guess we all have to get our hearts broken once. I did and i am a much better person as a result of it.
wascal Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Thank you so much for your reply. And yeah, my heart stopped when I read the first few sentences you wrote, because I thought maybe my partner had stumbled across my post... It's really good to know in a way that there are people in identical circumstances, similar ages, problems ect, that don't want to give up either. We've decided to do exactly that, start dating again, getting to know each other again. As far as I can tell, after that massive fight where we thought we were doomed, its gotten better slightly. Kinda like we got all of the really horrible stuff out of the way. I'm just struggling, because she said shew wants it to work, she won't move out, because she thinks more distance will end us, but were not hugging, kissing or showing physical affection a lot at all, as I'm waiting for her to be ready, and sex is non existent. What specifically caused the rift with your relationship? And which party is the ambivalent one? I would really like to hear more, as I have empathy for your situation and am sorry you're also in it, its really helpful to read others' stories. Thanks again, and I hope to hear from you soon. Hey, Its so tricky. I really feel confused myself. Ask yourself. Can you see yourself with her forever? Are you in love? When this all started going through my head, i questioned everything i knew about my relationship. I questioned whether my partner would ever marry me, would ever have children with me. I pushed the subject sometimes into conversation, i asked him about marriage and he would always say. we are too young. I don't think i want to get married, it just made me wonder he ever wanted that with me. I don't really have a specific date or event that caused this. I guess i just suddenly started to question my life. I think what caused me might have been the fact i was so lonely? Maybe if i had, had friends i wouldn't of had so much time to find cracks when there were none. Plus!!! Which didnt help. I googled it, and all it said was " if man doesnt ask you to marry him after a year, he never will" It stuck in my head like glue and i just cant shake it! Because don't get me wrong, my partner is the funniest guy, makes me laugh, would never hurt me. I really feel happy with him. After all the things I've done. You would think i would know how to answer this. The funny thing is, its even worse now. One thing i know is that, it hurt more to lose him than the other guy if that makes sense. Physical things. Well me and partner have never really kissed, it bugs me but never bugs him. I'm a touchy feel'y person he isn't. The came at me like red flags, but i think i started to read into everything too much. When my big mess came up, after weeks. One night. My partner. out of the blue. Begun to kiss me and etc. Maybe try this. Just start small. Make your girlfriend feel like you want her. Hold her hand. Try seduce her? It sounds weird because she is yours but i think you know what i mean. If there really is no connection, if she brushes you off. I think we need to talk about step two. Talk soon Edited May 30, 2013 by wascal
Author simpleguycomplicated Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Moneyneversleeps: Thank you for yoyr reply, its good to learn I'm not alone in all of this. As for our age, the experience thing that you mention, I agree, there are always those questions, and its healthy to question things like this. as for the grass is greener, I can only go by what I feel, and I don't feel that is my issue. I know how much I love her and how much I can't see anyone else filling that place for me, by the amount that I hurt about it, the things we've both dine, and somehow were still trying to hold on. It's great to hear that you've come out the other end on your situation though, and if this thing does go south for me, is like to think I had that same strength. Wascal: My part of this is that I emotionally and physically neglected her for a long time due to my own issues, and that's something I'm taking accountability for. I'm really trying to rectify the situation from my faults, and make the new solutions permanent. We discussed this last night, the intimacy, touchy feely thing (as I am also a very affectionate person when I'm not a zombie ...) and she said she doesn't want to rush straight into it, though she said she does have the desire to have contact with me, she said we can't fall for the same trap of using physical affection to mask the problems, we need to work them out verbally first. Which made me understand it more. As for the future stuff, that's never been a problem, I've always been on board with marriage, life together, kids (waaaay down the track...) with her, and only her. I've always made this known, and before she went overseas, I was planning on purchasing her a ring. That's out the window obviously now until we can really work through this current stuff. A main issue I have now is that she had lied about what happened with the guy overseas. Part of me tries to rationalise it by saying "she lied because she loves me and doesn't want to loose me", but I think that's my brain just trying to make me feel better... Do you honestly want to work things out with your boyfriend? Make things better for both of your benefits? Raise the issues that caused you to seek out affection elsewhere? And what's plan b ? Thanks again for the reply.
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