ForNoOne Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) The short version: After being separated and wanting a way out for the past 8 months, I (irrationally) have developed strong feelings for my wife over the past week. But she has moved on and has even started dating in the past few weeks. She seems comfortable with the idea of divorcing. This makes me very sad, even though for the prior 11 months, I wanted a divorce badly. If I pressed her to try to reconcile, I think she would, but I logically know that things will not work out. So my heart loves her and remembers all the good things, whereas my head tells me of all the bad times and bad feelings that we have suffered through and are inevitable if we get back together. I don't know how to reconcile my logical understanding that a divorce is needed with the sad feelings I get, because all I can think about now is her smile, her laugh, and the good times we shared. The long version: My wife and I, each in our early 30s, separated last August, after 3 tumultuous years of marriage. For the 12 months prior to our our separation, I felt sad on most days, as if life was passing me by. My wife had anger issues and other emotional issues, and I felt completely trapped. We couldn't have kids, we couldn't socialize with others, we couldn't keep dinner reservations (she's not punctual), and so on. I felt like I had thrown away my life. My resentment and sadness grew, and I felt like I was married to a parapalegic who hated me. The thought of living this way for the rest of my life made me irretrievably sad. I heavily self-medicated with alcohol for a couple months after our separation. I continued to feel stressed about the relationship, because my wife wanted to get back together, and I did not -- going back to the prior way of life scared and saddened me. I did not want the fights and crying anymore. I drank, and continue to drink, frequently to combat my loneliness and feelings of being stuck. As time passed, I would find myself hoping that she found someone else or that she'd otherwise obtain independence from me. When two weeks passed without our seeing each other (perhaps because I was on a business trip or things were otherwise hectic), I would think that this was a good thing -- that she must be learning to live without me. I wanted her to become independent, because she has relied on and continues to rely on me for financial support. But I felt that if I pushed for a divorce, that I would be abandoning her, so I wanted to her have something of her own -- only then could I get out. There was and continues to be an end in sight, because she is in a surgical technology certificate program that ends in December. Since August, we have stayed in touch about once every week over the past 11 months, sometimes getting back together like "old times," at least in the sense that we'd have a few drinks, get along, laugh, and have fun. But most of our get togethers were just going through the motions, and perhaps really about pretending like we would possibly reconcile, without ever talking about it. Nonetheless, on many nights as I would go to bed, I would wonder, "When will I ever get out of this relationship?" I couldn't divorce her, but putting my life on hold (as it was) made me very sad. My siblings and close friends all are having young children, and I'm just stuck. I'm not quite sure why, but in the past 10 days I started to feel a lot better about her. She has done very well in school and has excelled in some other areas, and this impressed me. Over the past week, I have visited her every day and wanted to see her as much as possible. I finally felt a little bit of hope again -- something that I hadn't felt in ages. She seems to have "gotten her **** together," if you can forgive my language. But she is essentially moving on and has even started non-romantically dating in the past few weeks (i.e., going to a museum with a new guy friend and so on). I am not angry with her for meeting new people, or even potentially dating someone romantically. We are separated and have not been actively working on reconciliation. But it is still tough to even think about her having coffee with another man. She is saddened by the idea of divorcing, but for the first time ever, she seems comfortable with it. When I brought up divorce in the past, she would always shout at me for "throwing her away." Today, when I think of her, all i can do is remember all the good things. I can't get her smile, her laugh, our great times, and so on out of my head. All the bad things that have happened and that I know will happen receive no weight. I just feel sad that things really appear to be ending. When we were "just" separated and she wasn't dating, I felt like I could just delay dealing with these emotions until some unspecified time in the future, but now I see that she really is moving on, and it is making me very sad. I don't know what to do. I could press for reconciliation, but I know logically that we cannot make it work. It will just make me feel good for a week or a month, but then I will find myself in the same horrible spot that I've been in for the past 4 years. But the thought of losing my best friend and someone who cares about me so much is devastating. How do I deal with divorcing someone I care about so deeply, and who cares about me, because it is "for the best"? Edited July 1, 2013 by ForNoOne
Author ForNoOne Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you so much for commenting. Just knowing that someone read what I wrote makes me feel so much butter. I think you're right that if there were some effective tools, we wouldn't be in this mess. The fact that we couldn't resolve conflicts respectfully and without generating resentment likely killed this marriage. I'm scared to jump back in, though, and it looks like she is ready to move on.
elfman Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Seems to me like she read about the 180! Darn thing works wonders... If she seems to have her **** together, as you say, do you not think that by asking her to reconcile before being absolutely sure that you are going to put all your effort into it would perhaps have her back at square one in a matter of months? As to your question, how to divorce someone you care deeply about because it is "for the best", I guess the only true answer that comes to mind is begging the question "for whose best?" Are you considering your own needs as the first priority (as you should, considering you do not have kids)? If so, can you see yourself happy with this woman even after you've seen her worst side and know it all too well? I hope your mind clears soon, and hope you feel better ASAP. E.
Yasuandio Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 When you finially sustain the loss, it feels like you have sustained a loss. When you realize you lost something you once had, and it doesn't appear possible to recover it back, it is human nature to yearn for it - even if it was bad. Yas 1
Author ForNoOne Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 When you finially sustain the loss, it feels like you have sustained a loss. When you realize you lost something you once had, and it doesn't appear possible to recover it back, it is human nature to yearn for it - even if it was bad. Yas Thank you. This helps me understand what I'm feeling.
Author ForNoOne Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Sorry, I'm new to this -- what does "180" refer to in this context? If you turn yourself around, then your partner will want you? I do think that if I ask her to reconcile, I would risk undoing all the progress she has made. She took the separation worse than I did, and asking her to reconcile again -- with the very likely possibility that it will fail again -- will damage her. I feel sick on multiple levels now. One, for all the reasons I stated, and two, because now I better understand how she must felt when I pushed for a separation and was distant for so long. I know that I'm supposed to put my feelings and health first, but I just can't bring myself to not care deeply about her well-being, and I feel that if she is miserable, I will feel miserable, or at the very least guilty. That's probably not a healthy way to handle things, but it's where I am at emotionally right now. Seems to me like she read about the 180! Darn thing works wonders... If she seems to have her **** together, as you say, do you not think that by asking her to reconcile before being absolutely sure that you are going to put all your effort into it would perhaps have her back at square one in a matter of months? As to your question, how to divorce someone you care deeply about because it is "for the best", I guess the only true answer that comes to mind is begging the question "for whose best?" Are you considering your own needs as the first priority (as you should, considering you do not have kids)? If so, can you see yourself happy with this woman even after you've seen her worst side and know it all too well? I hope your mind clears soon, and hope you feel better ASAP. E.
Yasuandio Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you. This helps me understand what I'm feeling. My pleasure.
imtooconfused Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It sounds like you are going through some of the same things discussed in this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/399474-truth-about-wanting-out-sad-reality I don't know if that thread helps or hurts. I also don't know if it will help you understand your feelings if I point out that your feelings changed as soon as she became comfortable with divorce and started dating. Kind of a buyer's remorse situation where once you have achieved what you hoped for, it doesn't appear as good as you thought.
Author ForNoOne Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thank you. This thread helps. It makes me feel safer and more comfortable with my feelings, knowing that others have had to say goodbye to their best friend. It sounds like you are going through some of the same things discussed in this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/399474-truth-about-wanting-out-sad-reality I don't know if that thread helps or hurts. I also don't know if it will help you understand your feelings if I point out that your feelings changed as soon as she became comfortable with divorce and started dating. Kind of a buyer's remorse situation where once you have achieved what you hoped for, it doesn't appear as good as you thought.
elfman Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Hey man, The 180 reffers to THIS It is a very effective way to jolt a potential WAS back into reality. You cannot be apologetic about being emotional, it just shows you are human and that you care. I remember (cringe) the feeling of having a lit firecracker in my stomach that wouldnt go off for 6 months, and fearing when it blew I would die, when I was separating and finally divorcing my 10 year wife. It is going to be a rollercoaster, what worked best for me was convincing myself that I would get through it, and that I was playing CHESS, not CHECKERS, meaning it would take time, strategy, and a lot of thought to work my way through the emotional maze that my life had become. Best of luck buddy. E.
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