will my bf ever grow up or marry me?

[snowflakes88]

If he isn't ready after 3 years, odds of him ever being ready are slim to none. This is so common... a man will date a woman for yeeeears and claim he isn't ready to marry - but when he meets the one who knocks his socks off, all of that goes out the window. I've seen too many women devastated when they stuck with a guy for 3, 4, 5 years, only to have him walk and marry someone else in less than a year. Happens all of the time.

[samsungxoxo]

If he isn't ready after 3 years, odds of him ever being ready are slim to none. This is so common... a man will date a woman for yeeeears and claim he isn't ready to marry - but when he meets the one who knocks his socks off, all of that goes out the window. I've seen too many women devastated when they stuck with a guy for 3, 4, 5 years, only to have him walk and marry someone else in less than a year. Happens all of the time.

Or maybe the new woman isn't the type to put up with even 1 year of endless future talk nor is available to him all the time; the one who wouldn't put up with bs and so the man realizes he might lose her very quick and finally takes action.

[KatZee]

This is why I've become untrusting. This is how they are tricking us and if it doesn't work, they're going a step further. Here are the steps I've noticed.

 

1) Though they're not living together, just like the gf spends time with him and family because she loves him and obviously like many women want a future. At some point, the man briefly said he wants to marry in the future but not yet and that gets her excited but it's a lie to trick her into wasting years.

 

2) If that doesn't work and the woman is too smart, he will do the ''Let's move in together'' scam and again tell her that he sees a future with her. Once again, he tricked her into wasting endless years.

 

3) If the woman is still smart, hard to convinced with talk for 1 year and refuses to move in with him, he will do this now: propose but without a date set up. The woman off course will get overly excited since he bought the ring after all. Only, he is going a step further.

 

4) Finally, I've heard about a story of a man breaking up an engagement a few days before the wedding was about to take place. He wanted to for a while but went that far (low) to trick both the woman who apparently was too smart to fall for the previous tricks as well as the family.

 

The 4th is the only way a guy can now trick me but damn that's soooo low and cowardly.

 

It's called "future faking." A guy will drop as many crumbs as he needs to in order to keep a girlfriend hooked.

 

This is also why I am vehemently against living together before engagement. My boyfriend said he "HAD to live with me before knowing if he could get engaged to me." I told him, "Nope. You really don't. We've gone on tons of long vacations together, we've had weekend getaways, I've stayed for days at your apartment. You just want to buy more time."

 

Watch that actions match the behaviors. If a guy is saying he wants to marry you, then he should be proposing. You guys should be going ring shopping and having honest, serious, and open talks about the future. How you want to raise kids, life style, everything and anything should be free game to talk about.

 

A guy who's future faking will get very noticeably uncomfortable having these conversations, he'll try to change the subject, etc.

[SJC2008]

It's called "future faking." A guy will drop as many crumbs as he needs to in order to keep a girlfriend hooked.

 

This is also why I am vehemently against living together before engagement. My boyfriend said he "HAD to live with me before knowing if he could get engaged to me." I told him, "Nope. You really don't. We've gone on tons of long vacations together, we've had weekend getaways, I've stayed for days at your apartment. You just want to buy more time."

 

Watch that actions match the behaviors. If a guy is saying he wants to marry you, then he should be proposing. You guys should be going ring shopping and having honest, serious, and open talks about the future. How you want to raise kids, life style, everything and anything should be free game to talk about.

 

A guy who's future faking will get very noticeably uncomfortable having these conversations, he'll try to change the subject, etc.

 

You really told him he's buying more time? That's what I'm talking about!

 

How about a drink some time? But we have to live together first lol

[samsungxoxo]

It's called "future faking." A guy will drop as many crumbs as he needs to in order to keep a girlfriend hooked.

 

 

A guy who's future faking will get very noticeably uncomfortable having these conversations, he'll try to change the subject, etc.

I wish they would get lost and stop scamming women. It's not our fault he doesn't have any games and can't score it with the bad girls.

 

For a while I thought it was mainly our fault for putting up with this but it's also the guy's fault for being a user. No woman that's into marriage would consider dating a man that told her ''I want to play the fields and still sleep around'' so they have to do the deceiving and maintain a woman by lying. This is the same as a telemarketer offering you free stuff because if he/she charged you right away then more than likely you would end the call on the spot.

 

Seems like the Fakes have increased over the years. I'm willing to bet if they had a daughter one day and someone did this to her, they would finally see how it feels like being used.

[KatZee]

I wish they would get lost and stop scamming women. It's not our fault he doesn't have any games and can't score it with the bad girls.

 

For a while I thought it was mainly our fault for putting up with this but it's also the guy's fault for being a user. No woman that's into marriage would consider dating a man that told her ''I want to play the fields and still sleep around'' so they have to do the deceiving and maintain a woman by lying. This is the same as a telemarketer offering you free stuff because if he/she charged you right away then more than likely you would end the call on the spot.

 

Seems like the Fakes have increased over the years. I'm willing to bet if they had a daughter one day and someone did this to her, they would finally see how it feels like being used.

 

This is why as a woman you need to know what to look out for. You need to recognize the signs of an emotionally unavailable man, and guy who's only "future faking."

 

A great book on this is called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl." Tons of great insight.

 

Also, tons of women get hooked on "pretty words." They fall for the talk, they get all glassy eye'd if their man says something like, "I'm going to marry you one day" or whatever else he feels like saying. Tons of women then forget to watch the actions that follow up with those words.

 

Women need to basically ignore everything a man is telling her unless his actions are matching those words. If he's talking marriage, and being a family, and then puts zero effort into the relationship, can't have a legit conversation about that marriage or future, then he's full of s.hit.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I don't get why everyone assumes that three years is such a long time. It really, really isn't. It took 8 years for my husband and I to get married, and it still might not have been the wisest choice. The point being, the length of time doesn't determine the quality of the relationship, nor when said relationship should move to the next level, if it should move to the next level.

 

He's not necessarily rejecting her as his potential wife; he might actually just not be ready, yet. What's so wrong with wanting to take your time to make one of the biggest decisions of your life, to ensure it isn't a mistake? Oh sure, there's always divorce if it doesn't work out...

 

...but divorce involves a lot more work than just breaking up. Just sayin'.

[KatZee]

I don't get why everyone assumes that three years is such a long time. It really, really isn't. It took 8 years for my husband and I to get married, and it still might not have been the wisest choice. The point being, the length of time doesn't determine the quality of the relationship, nor when said relationship should move to the next level, if it should move to the next level.

 

He's not necessarily rejecting her as his potential wife; he might actually just not be ready, yet. What's so wrong with wanting to take your time to make one of the biggest decisions of your life, to ensure it isn't a mistake? Oh sure, there's always divorce if it doesn't work out...

 

...but divorce involves a lot more work than just breaking up. Just sayin'.

 

It also depends on ages. You look young in your picture. I doubt you and your boyfriend dated for 8 years when you both were 35. It makes sense that the younger you are, the longer it may take to go from bf/gf to fiance to husband/wife.

 

I haven't read all threads here, not sure the ages of OP and her boyfriend, but once you're hitting late 20s, 30s... you don't date someone for years and years waiting to get engaged.

[crude]

I know a girl who was with her boyfriend for 11 YEARS. They even bought a home together and she stuck with him when he went back to school to finish his masters. After he was done school, he broke up with her because he wasn't "in love with her" any more. She waited for a ring... for 11 YEARS.

 

 

This is what happens when a woman doesn't have the guts to propose to the man. She could've proposed after 3 years, and if he said no she could've moved on and saved herself 8 years. If women refuse to step up and behave like adults and take active actions, then they get what they deserve.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't get why everyone assumes that three years is such a long time. It really, really isn't. It took 8 years for my husband and I to get married, and it still might not have been the wisest choice. The point being, the length of time doesn't determine the quality of the relationship, nor when said relationship should move to the next level, if it should move to the next level.

 

He's not necessarily rejecting her as his potential wife; he might actually just not be ready, yet. What's so wrong with wanting to take your time to make one of the biggest decisions of your life, to ensure it isn't a mistake? Oh sure, there's always divorce if it doesn't work out...

 

...but divorce involves a lot more work than just breaking up. Just sayin'.

We assume this because too many men are nowadays faking future and that makes it difficult to tell whether he is sincerely taking his time or is full of BS. At this moment, I tend to agree with the later that he's full of lies. It's better to assume wrong and distrust words being said out than to totally believe him and get scammed. It just happens that we know the game already and stopped being the nice woman they looked for because of the lies and deceiving.

[lush lady]

im 27 and he is 31

[KatZee]

There's also a huge difference between:

 

"I'm not ready for marriage" and "I just don't want to marry you."

 

Based on what OP is saying, her boyfriend doesn't put much effort into the relationship. It's 3 years deep and she doesn't feel comfortable enough to even have the conversation. Just seeing this, I can tell that the foundation isn't all that strong.

 

All her boyfriend said was, "I'm not ready for that yet."

 

He could have said something along the lines of, "I definitely see marriage with you one day but I'm not quite ready just yet. But you are going to be my wife one day." And then he shows her through ACTION that what he's saying is true and real.

 

As I said, by having those conversations, making plans, being open and honest. Really getting a sense how truthful he's being about a future. A guy that avoids, shifts, deflects, changes the subject, refuses to talk about it, gets angry and says, "you're pressuring me!" are all signs of a guy who not only ISN'T ready, but more or less doesn't see marriage with that specific person.

[SJC2008]

This is why as a woman you need to know what to look out for. You need to recognize the signs of an emotionally unavailable man, and guy who's only "future faking."

 

A great book on this is called "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl." Tons of great insight.

 

Also, tons of women get hooked on "pretty words." They fall for the talk, they get all glassy eye'd if their man says something like, "I'm going to marry you one day" or whatever else he feels like saying. Tons of women then forget to watch the actions that follow up with those words.

 

Women need to basically ignore everything a man is telling her unless his actions are matching those words. If he's talking marriage, and being a family, and then puts zero effort into the relationship, can't have a legit conversation about that marriage or future, then he's full of s.hit.

 

A healthy emotinally available woman would't of put up with the one sideness in their relationship and would of dumped his ass a long time ago. Like I said, commitment phobes date commitment phobes but one party usually doesn't know they're CP, typically the woman.

 

I'm not trying to bash the OP. I have problems I'm working on and emitional availabiltity is one of them.

[JustAReformedGirl]

We assume this because too many men are nowadays faking future and that makes it difficult to tell whether he is sincerely taking his time or is full of BS. At this moment, I tend to agree with the later that he's full of lies. It's better to assume wrong and distrust words being said out than to totally believe him and get scammed. It just happens that we know the game already and stopped being the nice woman they looked for because of the lies and deceiving.

 

In the event he's not scamming her though, wouldn't she likewise regret jumping to that conclusion, and losing him for good? Also, while your experience has served you well, the OP cannot learn from yours, truly. Her situation may reflect a past one you endured, but that doesn't mean the end result will be the same.

 

It also depends on ages. You look young in your picture. I doubt you and your boyfriend dated for 8 years when you both were 35. It makes sense that the younger you are, the longer it may take to go from bf/gf to fiance to husband/wife.

 

I'm 26, he's 27. Believe me, I'm starting to notice some of those more urgent needs, in regards to a stable relationship. Despite that though, I still wouldn't want to rush something of this nature. Of course, I might feel different in another 4-9 years. I don't buy that it has everything to do with age, though. There are some pretty mature 20-year olds, and some pretty immature 40-year-olds. I'll assume you merely mean in reference to solid relationships, though...in which some people still wind up marrying later in life. I guess it really depends on the people in question.

 

I haven't read all threads here, not sure the ages of OP and her boyfriend, but once you're hitting late 20s, 30s... you don't date someone for years and years waiting to get engaged.

 

Edit: Never mind, she posted ages again.

[samsungxoxo]

As I said, by having those conversations, making plans, being open and honest. Really getting a sense how truthful he's being about a future. A guy that avoids, shifts, deflects, changes the subject, refuses to talk about it, gets angry and says, "you're pressuring me!" are all signs of a guy who not only ISN'T ready, but more or less doesn't see marriage with that specific person.

AKA the man that wants things to go his way: free service that includes a maid and lots of sex. He can find this in bad girls but wait maybe they're very straight forward and not innocent, so guess his plan is ruined. LOL:laugh:

 

If the woman he's trying to fake future with isn't interest in that and wants the real thing off course he'll feel pressured. Guess we're ruining his plans and are so mean that we're not letting him used us.

[Star Gazer]

Marriage rates in America are dropping fast for a reason, and this doesn't seem likely to change in the near future. My suggestion: If you want him to propose, give him a reason to want to marry you (and no, sex isn't the reason -- he can probably get sex any time he wants with or without you).

 

Marriage rates are dropping among hetero couples, but not for the reasons you mentioned. See my signature. WOMEN are realizing they can have it all, without a man. A man still needs a uterus to have it all.

[samsungxoxo]

Marriage rates are dropping among hetero couples, but not for the reasons you mentioned. See my signature. WOMEN are realizing they can have it all, without a man. A man still needs a uterus to have it all.

Maybe we're realizing this because of their lies and them having no interest in marriage the whole time. So we're like ''Forget it, better to be single than continuing being BSed''.

 

If what he wants is free service, forget it then. He can find that at bars and clubs.

[samsungxoxo]

In the event he's not scamming her though, wouldn't she likewise regret jumping to that conclusion, and losing him for good? Also, while your experience has served you well, the OP cannot learn from yours, truly. Her situation may reflect a past one you endured, but that doesn't mean the end result will be the same.

Well I don't believe in magic lambs nor fairy tales but if I were ever wrong and the man wasn't scamming me but trying to really surprise, then ok I have no problem admitting I'm wrong. Otherwise, he has to prove himself.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well I don't believe in magic lambs nor fairy tales but if I were ever wrong and the man wasn't scamming me but trying to really surprise, then ok I have no problem admitting I'm wrong. Otherwise, he has to prove himself.

 

Fair enough.

[CA2TN4Love]

Ok, I'm only posting this because the OP seems to not want to believe the "in your face" actions of her boyfriend. Maybe the opinion of a woman who has been on the opposite side of the coin will help.

 

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 18 years. He proposed to me sometime between the 7th and 9th year. I said yes, but only because I felt pressured (he asked me in front of my entire family). We never got married because I just never saw myself walking down the aisle with HIM. Sure, we maintained a relationship and during that time, he did pressure me to set a date, but I never did. He stuck it out until I eventually called it quits. I told myself all those years that I just wasn't the marrying type. Now I have a new SO that has brought up marriage, and the thought excites me. We've only been talking for a year.

 

I can tell you now, OP, your man sounds accomplished and confident. He doesn't want to marry a doormat. He will marry someone that he respects, and how can he respect someone who doesn't demand it? You cater to his needs, while simultaneously trampling your own. He's extremely selfish to allow you to do that, but who can blame him? Sadly, you make it too easy.

 

In addition, if you can't even have an open and honest discussion about your desires and hopes for the future, why would you want to marry him? You do realize that lack of open communication will be the hand that flushes the toilet on a marriage, don't you? I wouldn't even consider a thought of marriage to someone that I didn't feel absolutely comfortable talking about life with.

[SJC2008]

I can tell you now, OP, your man sounds accomplished and confident. He doesn't want to marry a doormat. He will marry someone that he respects, and how can he respect someone who doesn't demand it? You cater to his needs, while simultaneously trampling your own. He's extremely selfish to allow you to do that, but who can blame him? Sadly, you make it too easy.

 

He's not getting any younger. If this was the case he would of bailed or GIG'd her a long time ago. He's 100% contempt with the status quo which is zero effort and steady pussy.

[Ninjainpajamas]

lush lady]So this is a common thing and there are signs of it even??

 

Yes, this is very common behavior by men, it's called cake-eating and having a little bit of everything in his life without having to commit to one thing. You're just one part of that...you're like a part of the yard where you put the tool shed, and the tool shed if it had a brain would be thinking "One day, I'll get the whole yard...instead of this little corner"...it doesn't make sense though, that's not what it's supposed to be, it belongs in that corner.

How do you know he doesnt want me close with his family? He even commented under a pic i was in about it being a family picture.

 

Because he's not really involving himself with your family and personal life, he's already comfortable with his family and it's also really easy for men to talk you out of the picture..."family" doesn't mean wife, just because that's what he said.

 

He isn't acting at all very committed, I'm not sure how you're not able to see it...you've got a very insignificant amount of "proof" on one end for your argument or belief that he invested, and then a large stack of papers on the other end that shows he is not invested.

 

Yet you're only look at the small proof and either not recognizing or accepting the others in this relationship, you just want and believe that somehow things will magically change.

 

Arent these qualities the exact qualities that a man would want/look for in a long term partner??

 

No, it's the entire picture...not just focusing on one aspect of the relationship.

 

For example, when many men hire escorts they like to treat them like GF's...they just don't want to take them back to the room and have sex, they want to have this comfortable and quiet companionship and trust to develop first, it's how men gain confidence and security within themselves in order to branch out into other things...women in your situation merely give men the support they need to catapult into doing the other things in their life...like being confident with other men, at work, etc...men feed off the nurturing and companionship of a relationship, but it doesn't necessarily make it exclusive, especially when his lifestyle says otherwise.

How would I ruin his life? I know he wants children so yea why wouldnt he wake up one day and realize I have been by his side, have all the above qualities, marry me, and have children with me??

 

He's not ready to give up his current life...it's not about growing up, it's about moving on to the next phase of their lives for men. Right now you're in the phase of his life where he is not pursuing those things...in these cases men choose different types of women to interact and associate themselves with...you're not the "long-term girl", that's why he's choosing to be with you now, because you are passive, convenient and stick by his side...he depends on you, but not as an equal partner...he's in a sense "using" you for his needs without so much worrying about what you need in want in your life.

 

So there's nothing really he needs to wake up to, he's been with you for three years, what is it that you think he doesn't know or realize? that's just an excuse to buy yourself time hoping he'll choose you, because of how you feel for him and what you want with him...you've taken his words of what he wants in the future, likely with another woman entirely and associated them with yourself assuming that is what he wants with you, but when men speak about such things they can be entirely impersonal...men are merely speaking matter of fact like and not entirely speaking in the manner of what they want with YOU.

 

Men are often selfish, and merely speaking about themselves...but you're selfish in the fact that you insist and want this man to love you the way you think you love him, even if he does not.

what makes you think hes talking to his ex about emotions after hes already spent 3 years with me. they broke up 3 years ago and they only text every few months and thats it.

 

Because when he was with his ex for 7 years, and this was at a time in his life that were significant and transitional...you are a different kind of a relationship, someone he chose in the state of many emotions that he still had to work out with his ex...when you get in a relationship with someone just out of a long-term one....you're not getting the whole person, you're getting someone off balanced emotionally and mentally, and some people may argue that but it's in my opinion it takes years to really work through a long-term relationship...it doesn't take mere months or a few, I know human beings too well to buy that...no matter what they say about their last relationship ending or just being this or that in the end and not really significant...trust me I've heard it all and whether they realize it or not it's not the truth IMO...not the truth at all.

 

He texts her every few months because he wants her to know he still cares, worries and thinks about her...that's she's still in his thoughts and that he's still there....albeit in another relationship, but what do you think his actions show to her? that he doesn't have any feelings? what would you think if you were her? do you really think they're just "friends"? I very highly doubt it....you can't just be "friends" with someone you spent 7 years of your life with, there is some deeper emotion there...that's wishful thinking at best.

 

You are effectively...the backup plan.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[aussietigerwolf]

my 2 cents...

sure, he could just not be ready but... after 3 years wouldn't you expect at least a wee bit more closeness than this? has he ever been to your place or anything of yours? have your family ever met him?

 

sure, there are guys that will future fake. hell, an ex boyfriend of mine told me about this friend of his that proposed to a girl just to get her into bed... he dumped her the next day.

[Teknoe]

Haven't read every post in this thread but read enough to break my heart.

 

OP, please PLEASE have an honest heart-to-heart talk with this man, ASAP.

 

No more games, no more BS, no more excuses. COMMUNICATE!

[Woggle]

Marriage rates are dropping among hetero couples, but not for the reasons you mentioned. See my signature. WOMEN are realizing they can have it all, without a man. A man still needs a uterus to have it all.

 

If women don't need men like that then why do so many still complain about men being commitment phobes. I don't get that. Men constantly hear this I don't need a man stuff in one breath then we how we never grow up and run away from commitment in the next. Which one is it?