rolo99 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 First a little background..... my husband left me out of the blue 3 mos ago. I filed for divorce, which will be final around July 1-3. I spent 2 mos sobbing, drinking, and trying not to sink into a depression. Even thought about hurting myself a time or two, but never did. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'm starting to get bored & lonely, so I put up a profile on a few dating sites, thinking I'll play around with dating, have a few coffee dates, a drink date or two, etc. So I meet a guy and start messaging and texting him. Seems very down to earth, caring and romantic. Says he treats his women "like queens". I'm intrigued, so we meet for coffee, then walk over to a local restaurant and have dinner. The next night he comes over to my house for dinner....and a make out session. All along, he's asking me what I'm looking for. Truthfully, originally it was just getting my feet wet and to be brutally honest....a little sex. I've now seen him 3 times in 4 days and I'm really starting to like him, but it scares the sh*t out of me for a few reasons: 1. It's only been 4 days. 2. I was happily married until 3.5 mos ago 3. I feel like he "should" be running away from a woman who isn't even divorced yet. 4. I don't have the emotional/mental strength to handle being dumped again. 5. And I may be reading too much into this, but he seems to like me as well. I've told him I'm not ready for a relationship & I'll never get married again. Help!
CC12 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 All along, he's asking me what I'm looking for. ... 1. It's only been 4 days. I'm always alarmed when people push for answers like these so soon. Most people, after only four days, will not be asking things like that. It's mostly because they're still getting to know the person, but it's also because it's kind of socially unacceptable. And when people don't recognize a pretty basic social "rule" like that one, it's not hard to imagine that they don't recognize many other "rules." And that concerns me. If you just want to casually meet some people and go on some fun dates, nothing too serious, then you should probably stay away from the ones who repeatedly ask you, "Where is this going?"
CC12 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Sometimes people want to know where the other party thinks things are going simply to see whether they're interested in a purely fun, casual/sexual relationship or something more. Especially if that's what they are looking for. It sounds less crass to say you're looking for an FWB in this situation and far less desperate than announcing you're looking for someone long-term than it does to simply ask where things are headed. I'll clarify. It's fine to maybe ask once, as part of the 'getting to know you' ritual. Maybe. But after four days, it's still too soon to expect someone to know exactly how they feel about you. The OP's wording led me to believe that he has asked about it repeatedly. It's also a different thing to say, "I am looking for _____." That gives the other person the opportunity to say, "Well, sorry, that's not what I'm looking for." It doesn't sound like that's what he's doing. He's putting her on the spot for answers. He's asking "What do you want?" And maybe I'm too distrustful of people who I've only known for four days who are pushy, but I would guess that he might be asking that so he can pretend to be whatever I say I'm looking for. Edited June 27, 2013 by CC12
Author rolo99 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 To clarify, it's not a "where are we going" type question, but a "what do you want?" question. I've actually been asked that quite a bit on dating sites. I've usually told people that I'm looking to get my feet wet in dating.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 If you were happily married, as you say, just a few months ago then you probably arent emotionally ready for the dating scene. I could be wrong and I freely admit that. But it just seems too soon to be jumping into that pool...Do you have any kids? are they young kids? TFY
Author rolo99 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 No kids, by choice. I also had thoughts that I'm probably not ready, but I was lonely, so I figured a few coffee/drink dates would get my feet wet. I hate to sound sexist, but guys do this all the time. In fact, I'm sure my ex is, if he didn't while we were married.
salparadise Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 No kids, by choice. I also had thoughts that I'm probably not ready, but I was lonely, so I figured a few coffee/drink dates would get my feet wet. I hate to sound sexist, but guys do this all the time. In fact, I'm sure my ex is, if he didn't while we were married. Three and a half months is no time at all. Just a month or so ago you were sobbing, drinking even considering self-harm. How can you not see this as a strategy of desperation, an attempt to circumvent the grieving process that must be completed to eventually come into the clear, equilibrate, and create the possibility of a healthy new relationship? You need to just be in the company of good friends, taking whatever time it takes to normalize your emotional state and regain composure. These distractions in no way obviate the process, they just make everything confused and complicated. Think it through and do what's in your own best interest, learn to be your own best friend.
Phantom888 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Slow it down. You are still married. The relationship ended recently. Take time to re-adjust yourself. You are likely in rebound mode right now, and that's very vulnerable. Just cool down and take your time!!!
Author rolo99 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Three and a half months is no time at all. Just a month or so ago you were sobbing, drinking even considering self-harm. How can you not see this as a strategy of desperation, an attempt to circumvent the grieving process that must be completed to eventually come into the clear, equilibrate, and create the possibility of a healthy new relationship? You need to just be in the company of good friends, taking whatever time it takes to normalize your emotional state and regain composure. These distractions in no way obviate the process, they just make everything confused and complicated. Think it through and do what's in your own best interest, learn to be your own best friend. FYI...here's my first post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/386641-broken-half-missing-my-best-friend Believe me, I see it, I know it, I can tell you all about how I'm using this to avoid dealing with the grieving process, or taking a break from it. I'm tired of being sad, of feeling like a failure/reject, etc. Before I met him, I was at a point where I was feeling ok. By "ok", I thought I was over the worst of it and felt ready to "get my feet wet" with casual dates. Then I went to a Rebuilders group/class last week and signed up (co-worker suggested it). But it was DARN painful and I realized that I'm not as "healed" as I thought. I'm one of the newest to being divorced in the group of 7. Most others have been divorced for awhile. I cried off & on for a good part of the class, which tells me I really need it. *SIGH*
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