Broken in half, missing my best friend

[rolo99]

I started dating my husband March 20, 1998, married on October 2, 1999. No kids, by choice. On March 11, 2013 we had an argument and he stomped off to work. Not much worse than the occasional argument we had. That evening, over dinner, he told me that our marriage was over & that he has been unhappy for over a year. We had just had a romantic trip to Napa 2.5 mos before.

 

He denies that there is someone else & moved out March 23. That night he said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It made me sick & made me suspect there's someone else, even though he denies it. My dad cheated on my mom, so I know that anyone can, at anytime. I never did, never even considered it. I married at 30, fully intending to stay married for life & grow old with me.

 

One of the worst things is that I'm a therapist. He's not willing to consider marriage counseling. How did I miss that he's been unhappy for a year? What kind of wife and therapist can I be???

 

Little bit of background, maybe to make sense of this...for me. He has always been employed brokering food or wine to grocery stores and been successful. In the past 4 years, he has tried to make a career as a financial advisor, with 2 big firms, before quitting a job when his salary was way down at the 2nd firm, to go join a woman running an independent firm...without knowing what or if she was going to pay him. I said it sounded like a bad idea, but I got called, "unsupportive". Long story short, new boss only pays him $500 per new account since his F.A. license is still parked with the big firm, but is willing to split the $10,000 cost to move it to her firm. Consequently, he's made about $3000 for all of 2013.

 

I know he's unhappy with his career and the place he's in and even suggested he is depressed and not thinking clearly.

 

When he was out of town a few weeks ago, I filed for divorce. It's not what i want, but I will not financially support him moving out, especially into a fancy $1300/month apartment. I needed to protect myself instead of focusing on my marriage since he doesn't want it. He had suggested that we could talk when he got back into town and maybe work on things. But once he moved out, signed a year lease and said the "D" word, I filed. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.

 

In an extreme moment of weakness, I nearly called him tonight to beg him to come over and talk. But part of me was afaid that he'd say no. There's also 8-9" of new snow on the ground, so I wouldn't know if he meant it, or was using the weather as a handy excuse.

 

I have never hurt so bad. I feel broken in half. He was my best friend & told me I am his. 13 years married, 15 years together....gone and soon to be divorced at 44 years old.

[tojaz]

One of the worst things is that I'm a therapist. He's not willing to consider marriage counseling. How did I miss that he's been unhappy for a year? What kind of wife and therapist can I be???

Welcome to LS Rolo, sorry you are in need of it. I'm sure your fine at both being a wife and a therapist, but it is impossible to be both to the same person. Things are always clearer from the outside looking in, nobody is immune to that fact.

 

Unfortunately, with you being a therapist there's not much that I'm going to be able to say that you don't already know.

 

A divorce in motion can still always be stopped or delayed, giving him some time to live on his own and experience a bit of life without you may just prove to be your best move.

 

TOJAZ

[Mr. Lucky]

He denies that there is someone else & moved out March 23. That night he said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It made me sick & made me suspect there's someone else, even though he denies it. My dad cheated on my mom, so I know that anyone can, at anytime. I never did, never even considered it. I married at 30, fully intending to stay married for life & grow old with me.

He may deny, but all the signs are there. The "I love you but..." speech, desire to move out, time away from home. I'd dig further unless you've already decided to divorce...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

Well its certaintly pernainent to any profession rolo99? Be you a lawyer, a doctor, (MD, Psych, etc) the absolute worse patient you can ever have is of course yourself. That's really a no brainer isn't? Simply because you can't maintain absolute and truly detached objectivitiy as you would I or Tojaz or Mr. Lucky.

 

Its really quite simple ~ your not married nor emotionally invested with anyone of the three of us.

 

With that said I think you did the right thing. As you know, its the person that is the least emotionally involved that controls the relationship. And that simply isn't you right now ~ although it would seem that is changing quickly and in a hurry like.

 

And your absolutely to go Suzie Orman on him and your situation in protecting yourself and limiting your financial liability (I sense there's that little voice of reason in your head that "kickin' in" there! )

 

You may be a therapist? But your also a woman and human being ~ and I can imagine it would be hard for you to seek the counsel of one of your peers.

 

We're here for ya! May not be of much, but we're here to listen. Rant, rave, scream and shout, vent,

 

Hell just run around in circles with your hands in tha' air screamng and shouting.

 

Hell there might even be a paper or book out of it for you?

 

Just remember! Its spelled G U N N Y! When you include me in your book or paper!

[TaraMaiden]

I started dating my husband March 20, 1998, married on October 2, 1999. No kids, by choice. On March 11, 2013 we had an argument and he stomped off to work. Not much worse than the occasional argument we had. That evening, over dinner, he told me that our marriage was over & that he has been unhappy for over a year. We had just had a romantic trip to Napa 2.5 mos before.

 

He denies that there is someone else & moved out March 23. That night he said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It made me sick & made me suspect there's someone else, even though he denies it. My dad cheated on my mom, so I know that anyone can, at anytime. I never did, never even considered it. I married at 30, fully intending to stay married for life & grow old with me.

 

One of the worst things is that I'm a therapist. He's not willing to consider marriage counseling. How did I miss that he's been unhappy for a year? What kind of wife and therapist can I be???

 

Little bit of background, maybe to make sense of this...for me. He has always been employed brokering food or wine to grocery stores and been successful. In the past 4 years, he has tried to make a career as a financial advisor, with 2 big firms, before quitting a job when his salary was way down at the 2nd firm, to go join a woman running an independent firm...without knowing what or if she was going to pay him. I said it sounded like a bad idea, but I got called, "unsupportive". Long story short, new boss only pays him $500 per new account since his F.A. license is still parked with the big firm, but is willing to split the $10,000 cost to move it to her firm. Consequently, he's made about $3000 for all of 2013.

 

I know he's unhappy with his career and the place he's in and even suggested he is depressed and not thinking clearly.

 

When he was out of town a few weeks ago, I filed for divorce. It's not what i want, but I will not financially support him moving out, especially into a fancy $1300/month apartment. I needed to protect myself instead of focusing on my marriage since he doesn't want it. He had suggested that we could talk when he got back into town and maybe work on things. But once he moved out, signed a year lease and said the "D" word, I filed. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.

 

In an extreme moment of weakness, I nearly called him tonight to beg him to come over and talk. But part of me was afaid that he'd say no. There's also 8-9" of new snow on the ground, so I wouldn't know if he meant it, or was using the weather as a handy excuse.

 

I have never hurt so bad. I feel broken in half. He was my best friend & told me I am his. 13 years married, 15 years together....gone and soon to be divorced at 44 years old.

 

There is no rule that states therapists have better or worse marriages than anyone else. In fact I believe I read somewhere that pro-rata, therapists have a slightly higher incidence of divorce than other professions....

I'd have to look it up if I can....

 

I hate to say it, but I think you were right to file.

The big problem is, he decided to end the marriage, but seemed reluctant to actually DO anything about it. He didn't instigate the divorce, and from what I can glean (though I'd be happy to be corrected) he didn't seem in any great hurry to do so....

 

I realise everything is highly-strung and at fever pitch right now, but if I could give you any single bit of advice, this would be it:

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he are extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him to interfere with what you must Practically do.

 

Don't let him tug at your heart-strings or manipulate your emotions.

Never give an immediate response to any approach, but tell him you will think about it, then write it down, and respond emotionally and then, practically.

See which one makes more sense in the long run.

11 times out of 10, it will be the 'practical' approach.

 

(To make the distinction easier, pretend that you are responding the practical approach as if it was something which concerned your best female friend, and consider what you would advise her to do....)

[rolo99]

Thank you for your responses. I should clarify the going out of town that he did 3 weeks after dumping me was a planned trip back to our home state for a big family event. Since it's his family, I wasn't going to go and "pretend that everything is ok" which is his M.O.

 

Even if he never admits to fooling around, I will always suspect it.

[GuyInLimbo]

Great responses by everyone. Don't beat yourself up, Rolo. And just because you're 44 means nothing. You're still full of life. Smart. Attractive. Self-sufficient. So, I'm sure you are quite desirable. So let go of that fear. (I'm close to your age and I'd much rather date a 44 than a 24, to be honest.)

[Lost0531]

you know... my situation is nowhere similar to yours other than that i'm getting a divorce and that I feel like i'm losing my best friend. =(

 

This is possibly the worse feeling in the world. I can't even begin to count the amount of times that tears run down my face, or that I actually break down. At this point it's not even that I'm sure that I want what I had back (who knows if I could even go back there?) or if it's just that I miss all of my memories. I do know that I never understood the sadness that a divorce could cause. I guess it's different when it is something that is expected or wanted... but when you or hit with it out of nowhere it is VERY hard to process.

 

Good Luck to you. I would offer advice... but I'm still using lots of waterproof mascara....

[Gunny376]

Good Luck to you. I would offer advice... but I'm still using lots of waterproof mascara....

 

Amazing how such few simple words speak volumes ~ of encyclopedia breath!

 

Been there and back!

 

I LOVED my XHEX, my mariage to her, our children our ____________ so much? It hurt! And it was a 'good' kind of hurt!

 

Its been 23 damn years of Hell for me! I've lost so much becuae of that damned divorce ~ a little bit of all us died because of it!

 

People think divorce is nothing more than just signing on the dotted line? Its not!

[jf2good]

Just my opinion is he cheated, but you both called it quits too quick without resolving why he cheated and if he can be faithful if the problems are resolved. The I love you but not in love with you line, means I want to love you like before but the ship is sinking and I am abandoning ship anyway I can without you.