wasistlos Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Ok so I'm sure all of you have heard this many times before: My relationship has gone sexless. Granted, it's only been four months since we've messed around, and before that it was maybe once or twice a month for a few months. I've read people go for years and I don't know how they do it. This has been bothering me awhile because it's been a long, slow death. Obviously in the beginning it was no problem. Few times or a couple of times a week was perfect. No pressure or anything. It just happened. So then it started to go downhill. I asked him about it, and he told me our relationship is growing and there's other ways to show love. Oka, true, but why does the sex have to disappear? I let it go for awhile, but finally approached him again after it didn't improve. He got mad this time and told me it shouldn't matter, there shouldn't be any pressure. I don't mean to pressure him, I just have a hard time getting my head around not wanting sex ever, I guess. And it's not like...a first priority for me, but it's important to me to feel close to my partner, you know? I don't really initiate or try to, either. I get the sense he pulls away or does or says something silly to keep me from doing anything. He claims he's still attracted to me but I think he's in denial or something. There is an underlying issue in that he's become more emotionally abusive. The underlying cause probably is that hes lost compassion for me. We spend a lot of time together, also. And I don't think I've gained weight? I don't know, I guess I just need it bashed through my head it's not going to get any better, or to be told it's really just not worth it. If the issue was attraction and sex alone, would you leave? Either way, this is seriously eating me alive. I'm trying not to have issue with no sex but it's difficult.
Country_Girl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I went through this with my ex, it became a huge problem. We had sex once a month if I was lucky, and I can't count how many rejections I had to go through before he would 'give in'. In one year I think we had sex maybe 7 times. Trust me it's not you...I'm willing to bet your husband has a hidden porn addiction. Time to do some investigating, check the browsing history on his cell and your home PC. Chances are, he's getting his needs met just fine on the side.
kamani Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 You sound like the pattern before I found my husband is gay and cheated on me. Check his internet history. When you press Ctrl+H even the deleted histories for weeks will appear.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Your boyfriend might have a porn addiction... I'm speaking from a man's perspective. This is my opinion and there might be exceptions to what I'm proposing (it's mainly based on my personal experience). No matter how beautiful a woman is, her husband/boyfriend will get tired of the same woman at some point. He'll "burn out" physically. In the beginning of the relationship, he might be banging you nine times a day (my personal best, thank you thank you) but after a month, 2 months etc. it becomes harder and harder for him to become aroused by this woman he's been with for so long. His sex drive toward you will probably hit a low point. However, fear not! His sex drive toward you will naturally rise and fall almost cyclically...but I think the fluctuation over time becomes less and less extreme, until it settles at something of an equilibrium. A man's sex drive for one particular woman is almost like something he has to charge up after a period of frequent sex. The more attractive the woman, the less time he needs to charge up However, the above is only the case in the absence of frequent masturbation. If your man is masturbating to porn a lot, that suppresses his sex drive toward you, especially if the porn he's watching features women who don't resemble you in the slightest. I can almost guarantee that the quality and frequency of sex in a lot relationships would go up if the men refrain from excessive masturbation to porn. I think some masturbation is fine but when the guy starts picking his right hand over his wife, it becomes a major problem Edited June 26, 2013 by BeholdtheMan
Author wasistlos Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I can see he might be getting his needs met on the side, not by cheating (he's too...I don't know, self righteous?) to do that, but I noticed like every night before bed he'll spend an hour in the bathroom. I don't really care if he's jacking off in there, it just makes me mad he feels like he has to lie. Of course, I don't know exactly or for sure if that's what he's doing. Maybe he's getting alone time and surfing YouTube or something. Whatever. I guess I don't know what to do at this point. I'm trying really hard to leave it alone. I know I probably seem sad. It's hard not to. Should I just try and do my own thing? He won't really let me go out and stuff so it's hard to do that but at least I can read or do art or something. In you all's experiences, has it ever come back or was it pretty much the end? Should I move on and forget it or keep trying? If there's no attraction, is there a point?
kamani Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Don't give up. Find out the reason. Only then you can decide. In my case it was only a vicious cycle, frustration and all. Things improved only after I got the truth out of him. Sex is your right. He is defaulting a marital obligation. Act before you feel you should meet your needs met elsewhere, emotionally or physically.
Author wasistlos Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 How did you find out the truth? In the past when I've asked, he just got really mad and basically told me to leave it alone. He can get nasty when we fight so I try to avoid talking or thinking about it. He says the sex shouldn't matter. It does though. To me, anyway.
kamani Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 How did you find out the truth? It's a sad story. If you want I'll give you the link to my thread. In short as a result of lack of emotional and physical bond, I developed feelings towards a married co-worker, yet nothing happened. I discussed this with my husband and he admitted that was his fault. In the past when I've asked, he just got really mad and basically told me to leave it alone. He can get nasty when we fight so I try to avoid talking or thinking about it. This sounds very unfair. Are you living in a traditional, male dominated society? He says the sex shouldn't matter. He becomes defensive when you confront. There's some reason behind. Did you check his internet browsing and the mobile?
Author wasistlos Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 So last night he did his "I have to go to the bathroom" thing before bed. He's been doing this almost every night now...it's increased over the past several months, so there's red flag #1 I guess. This time, and I swear I don't think I was imagining it, but he was like...getting a boner. No joke. It was the most excited I've seen him in 5 months....and it's depressing I'm not the reason why. I didn't say anything, except a semi-snide question about whether or not it was satisfying...ha.. I'm trying to get to some history, but he's smart. Haven't seen anything yet, no texts or porn sites, but he is a little shady about his computer. I don't know, I guess that just kind of further confirms it for me, and I don't know how to make it better or to fix it....it's seriously near impossible when the other person keeps denying everything and gets mad and etc... I've been leaving it alone, trying to do my own thing when I can (he gets upset when I want to do things without him...). I really don't see it getting better, and it's pushing me further out the door.
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 He's either too into porn, cheating, or just has some mental physical hang up. This will probably get worse before it gets better. Some women would be happy not having sex.
LimeBlue Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 We went for over two years without any sex. I did not have an affair during that time but it did make me realize why people do have affairs when in a sexless marriage. I tried everything, nothing worked. Even now, it is once a month if I am lucky. He is not the greatest in bed either, and he never wants to try anything new or different. It is mechanical and boring. And yes, I do wonder if he is gay. This is just not normal in my opinion.
LimeBlue Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 It's a sad story. If you want I'll give you the link to my thread. Kamani, I know this was for the OP, but I would like to read your story. Please send me the link. Edit to add: My husband goes to sit on the loo every night before bed with his iPad. He has been doing this for YEARS. I never thought anything of it until I read this thread. Sex is once a month, if that, and mechanical and boring. Is this a red flag?
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 wasistlos I've just checked your other thread. I think others should too. I'm only going to ask you why, why WHY are you still with this man? You had some sound replies in there - This one struck me as extremely pertinent: he is eroding your temperament, character and personality to such an extent that you can't even recognise when you are being manipulated. Which is pretty much every time he opens his mouth. Making you think everything you ask for, require and need from him is down to your own deficiencies. Sweetie he's an arsewhole. A prize manipulating controlling bully and a s-hi-tbrain to boot. ......Leave as soon as you can. call a colleague, a friend, a relative. ....your character, confidence and self esteem are far more precious for you, and actually much harder to get back, if you allow them to be trodden underfoot for any longer. And now - this?? To be honest, I really don't even see the attraction in even wanting to have sex with the guy. Honey - you're in a bad shape. And I really fear this will go on for years, because you didn't respond in the other thread, and now that I - personally - am advising you to LEAVE THIS MAN!! - I have a suspicion you won't ever do it. Ever.
Eve Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 You should not be listening to one word this man has to say, never mind permitting him to have access to your home and body. See your GP and talk about counselling and in the meantime stop talking so much and listen. Don't tell him your every move like you do. There is supposed to be a connection you both feed off and feel safe within. Not you in the corner trying to get your needs met, talking all the time to get attention. Gosh, I don't know where you find the energy. Where on earth is your mother? You can't keep on like this. You will get bad skin. Girl, you need to wise up... wasting your precious life like this. I had a browse at the other thread of yours as suggested by Taramaiden and this person is spewing talk which I call, 'punch in the face talk'. You are not supposed to listen to that nonsense, never mind keep talking after all that. Where is your dignity? Look, there was a book suggestion on another thread, Women who love too much. Order it from your library and go see your GP, like today. Don't tell him what you are doing either. You need to build up a viable support network and in turn your strength. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123#reader_0099474123 Take care, Eve x 1
kamani Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Kamani, I know this was for the OP, but I would like to read your story. Please send me the link LimeBLue here's the link- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/360473-should-i-confess-my-husband I never thought anything of it until I read this thread. Sex is once a month, if that, and mechanical and boring. Is this a red flag? I think something is wrong. Anyway good luck to you!
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