Should I confess it to my husband?

[kamani]

History in short- Friends for 6 years. Married for 7 years. Happy marriage, no disputes. Loving and understanding husband. Same profession, different institutions, travelling together. 6 year old happy, talented kid. Sex – once a week, sometimes not for few weeks.

 

Most nights my husband works at home, (some freelance work), till late night as the income is not sufficient for the expenses. By the time he gets to bed he is tired and sleepy.

 

However sometimes when he is not busy, he would spend most of his night on TV or movies while I was waiting for him. I complained and discussed this several times he didn’t take it that serious till I left our bedroom. He promised to care more and he did. Now he doesn’t watch TV late nights but is still busy.

 

When it came to sex, whenever he wanted it I’ve always offered it willingly though I was tired and sleepy. But when it was me who wanted it first, I get rejected sometimes.

 

I told him we’d rather live in poverty, than missing the romance in marriage.

 

About one year ago I started developing feelings for one of my co-workers. For few years I knew him. He was understanding, gave me priority in his work, treasured my advice and respected me. There were no flirting, no cheating , no phone calls, no emails etc. But I invested great amount of emotional energy and nobody talked about it openly. Then he got a transfer and I said Good Bye. NC since then, dead certain that there won’t be any contact again.

 

Though it has been more than one month he left, I’m finding it difficult to forget him.

 

Two months ago I did all what I thought romantic for my husband’s birthday to make him happy. Today he forgot my birthday. It's the second time it happened after getting married. It’s true that he is busy and the household is busy with my relatives on vacation.

 

I feel sad and empty inside. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to pass the blame for developing feelings for another man to my husband. Should I confess these feelings to my husband? I love him so much. He would get hurt, though nothing happened. Some advice please.

Edited December 5, 2012 by kamani

[Mint Sauce]

it sounds like he needs a wake-up call. This may be the perfect one. You did not cheat on him, you stayed loyal, but as you correctly assume, it will sting a bit. Perhaps enough for him to realize that he's risking losing you.

 

Confessing could be win-win: you get rid of your feelings of guilt, and hopefully he wakes up.

 

And don't make too many excuses for him. Yes, you have to be understanding, but not to the point where you ignore that you're starting to detach. The best thing you can do for him, and for the two of you, is to put this clearly on the table.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Mint Sauce

[BetheButterfly]

History in short- Friends for 6 years. Married for 7 years. Happy marriage, no disputes. Loving and understanding husband. Same profession, different institutions, travelling together. 6 year old happy, talented kid. Sex – once a week, sometimes not for few weeks.

 

Most nights my husband works at home, (some freelance work), till late night as the income is not sufficient for the expenses. By the time he gets to bed he is tired and sleepy.

 

However sometimes when he is not busy, he would spend most of his night on TV or movies while I was waiting for him. I complained and discussed this several times he didn’t take it that serious till I left our bedroom. He promised to care more and he did. Now he doesn’t watch TV late nights but is still busy.

 

When it came to sex, whenever he wanted it I’ve always offered it willingly though I was tired and sleepy. But when it was me who wanted it first, I get rejected sometimes.

 

I told him we’d rather live in poverty, than missing the romance in marriage.

 

About one year ago I started developing feelings for one of my co-workers. For few years I knew him. He was understanding, gave me priority in his work, treasured my advice and respected me. There were no flirting, no cheating , no phone calls, no emails etc. But I invested great amount of emotional energy and nobody talked about it openly. Then he got a transfer and I said Good Bye. NC since then, dead certain that there won’t be any contact again.

 

Though it has been more than one month he left, I’m finding it difficult to forget him.

 

Two months ago I did all what I thought romantic for my husband’s birthday to make him happy. Today he forgot my birthday. It's the second time it happened after getting married. It’s true that he is busy and the household is busy with my relatives on vacation.

 

I feel sad and empty inside. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to pass the blame for developing feelings for another man to my husband. Should I confess these feelings to my husband? I love him so much. He would get hurt, though nothing happened. Some advice please.

 

My husband doesn't celebrate birthdays, mainly just because he is not interested in most kinds of celebrations. I am sorry that your husband forgot your birthday, since that means a lot to you.

 

There's nothing "wrong" with you. What I think you are fighting with though is temptation (thinking the grass is greener in another pasture) and feeling unloved by your own husband.

 

I think you should tell your husband that you are fighting temptation, and that one of the reasons is that you "feel sad and empty inside." Tell him that. Don't blame him for it, but tell him how you feel. Don't say "you don't..." but tell him how you felt, like

 

"Birthdays are important to me and I feel really sad because I would love to have had a birthday party or a simple gift from the man I love. I feel sad and empty, and am fighting temptation too because I need/want a strong connection. I am not blaming you; I am telling you how I feel. I very much need for us to work together in growing romance into our relationship. I love you and desire to make love to you more often, and make beautiful memories together, including on special events like birthdays." - something like that?

 

If you want to go into more detail about the temptation you fought (and CONGRATULATIONS FOR RESISTING TEMPTATION!!!) then you can of course, but remember that the objective is to fix your marriage, not tear it down. Make sure it doesn't turn into a fighting match but rather a time where you can show that you love him and resisted temptation to be unfaithful.

[Realist3]

What purpose would it serve? No.

[kamani]

Thank you all for comments.

 

"My husband doesn't celebrate birthdays, mainly just because he is not interested in most kinds of celebrations. I am sorry that your husband forgot your birthday, since that means a lot to you. "

 

Actually, like your husband my husband also doesn't celebrate birthdays. But after getting married there was a habit between us to wish with a card and give a present. So this time when I paid a little more attention on his birthday, may be out of guilt, it's no wonder he didn't consider his own b'day something special. In the same way he forgot mine, I never wanted a party like a teenager in love. I would be more than enough happy with a small gift or a card even. The fact that he forgot it hurt me.

 

One of you thinks it would serve no purpose. I'm still confused.

 

My husband is the type of person, who beleives, it's natural to feel physical attraction towards opposite sex, though married. He won't take it seriously. He'd find it hard to beleive and get shocked by the fact that I bonded in heart with another person. That's the problem! I can't beleive myself even.

 

Throughout all these years, we have told each other "You might desire someone physically. I'm sure you can't love anybody the way you love me"

 

In my case, this statement failed unexpectedly.

[standtall]

No, some things you keep to yourself..this includes crushes. As realist aske..what purpose would it serve.

[kamani]

It was not just a crush. Knew him for 4 years. First I paid no attention on him. Feelings developed one year ago. After deep conversations, through understanding I gradually began to fall.

[standtall]

I just went on this.

 

 

He was understanding, gave me priority in his work, treasured my advice and respected me. There were no flirting, no cheating , no phone calls, no emails etc.

 

Only you can decide if it was more. Many, many spouse have gone to their graves with bigger secrets than this and lived happily ever after with their spouses. I wouldn't put much more thought into the past with this guy, but work on the future with your husband and let him understand that the garden is getting weedy so to speak.

[Mint Sauce]

yes, she can take this to the grave, but not the next thing, where it does turn into an affair, or when she leaves him "out of the blue" (at least in his eyes, but not in ours, since we know now how unfulfilled she feels).

 

He deserves to know your relationship is at the top of a slippery slope, not in a stable valley. Give him the wake-up call. I did not get it.

 

This cannot damage your relationship: either it is healthy enough to survive, in which case it will grow stronger, or it wasn't, in which case it's a good thing it ends here, rather than when you actually leave him for someone else.

[kamani]

Thanks again I want to clear some doubts.

 

“garden is getting weedy so to speak”

Sorry, my first language is not English, so I find some of your figurative language difficult. Do you mean, you’d rather not tell about the co-worker, but to tell him I need more connection and love from my husband?

 

And Mint Sauce, what do you mean “Out of blue”?

 

Our relationship is healthy and not in my wildest dreams I could leave my husband.

My husband is content and happy and I know how lucky he feels to have me as a wife, though he doesn’t tell it, in open. The way he behaves in front of our relatives and friends are expressive enough about it. He wouldn’t believe that I was almost towards an EA with a co-worker.

 

Recently when I asked my husband “What do you like most about me?” He said “The fact that you love me so much”

This is why I’m feeling guilty now. In the meantime I’m finding it hard to forget my co-worker, worried whether he is OK, we had to say goodbye because we became more than friends etc.

 

All these emotions, cripple my office work even. I feel I cannot exist any more without talking all this with my husband. The problem is that, it seems for this discussion even I have to make an appointment with him because he is busy!

[nofool4u]

What purpose would it serve? No.

 

So if you don't advocate respecting a loving husband and being honest with him, what do you suggest this person do?

 

I realize in this case there was no cheating, although I consider developing feelings for someone else cheating. But I would gather if there was clear cut cheating, you'd still tell her to clam up.

Edited December 6, 2012 by nofool4u

[BetrayedH]

If you want to strengthen your relationship with your husband, you need to be more open and honest, not less. Open up to him. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Share your flaws. A good man will respect this and love you more. You have an opportunity here and your gut instincts are correct.

 

Make that appointment.

[nofool4u]

If you want to strengthen your relationship with your husband, you need to be more open and honest, not less.

 

Paying attention Realist3?

[BetrayedH]

Thanks again I want to clear some doubts.

 

“garden is getting weedy so to speak”

Sorry, my first language is not English, so I find some of your figurative language difficult. Do you mean, you’d rather not tell about the co-worker, but to tell him I need more connection and love from my husband?

 

And Mint Sauce, what do you mean “Out of blue”?

 

"Garden is getting weedy" means that much like a garden needs to be tended, so does a marriage. Sometimes you have to make a point to go pull the weeds.

 

"Out of the blue" means without warning. Your husband likely does not know the extent of this problem so he is not fixing his end of things. If the problem is not addressed, you could easily progress from this emotional affair to a physical one. For you, this will have been going on for a while. For your husband, it will seem to have happened "out of the blue."

[kamani]

I've told him I wanted to talk to him. I asked him to finish all his pending work, I know he'll be hurt handing over these work on time wiill be a problem.

 

I told him I wanted 3 hours, alone, when our kid is asleep.

 

3 hours looked huge to him, he said OK. I think he sensed something wrong and looked worried. I don't want him to imagine things that I never did, that's a problem!

 

Hopefully, he would understand, both of us beleive in honesty.

[Mint Sauce]

good luck! You're doing the right thing. Give him some time to process the new information, he'll probably go through a little roller-coaster of emotions, which will include doubt whether you were actually faithful. Tell him firmly and clearly that nothing happened.

[kamani]

Thank you. You are all being so helpful.

 

We never faced 'infidelity' issues, so this situation is completely new to me. I can assure him, I have nothing to hide. I can show him emails and my phone records even. Guilt is killing me because of the 'emotional attachment'.

[Realist3]

So if you don't advocate respecting a loving husband and being honest with him, what do you suggest this person do?

 

I realize in this case there was no cheating, although I consider developing feelings for someone else cheating. But I would gather if there was clear cut cheating, you'd still tell her to clam up.

 

She doesn't have to clam up, she can simply say her needs are not being satisfied. Telling him she developed feelings for this man(call it cheating or not) will not help her get what she wants with her hubby.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you. You are all being so helpful.

 

We never faced 'infidelity' issues, so this situation is completely new to me. I can assure him, I have nothing to hide. I can show him emails and my phone records even. Guilt is killing me because of the 'emotional attachment'.

 

Please let us know how it goes.

[standtall]

IMHO, big mistake making a mountain out of a mole hill. Keep in mind that a lot of the advice here is put out by people with 1 or more failed marriages.

[BetrayedH]

IMHO, big mistake making a mountain out of a mole hill. Keep in mind that a lot of the advice here is put out by people with 1 or more failed marriages.

 

Hmm. I wouldn't want her to exaggerate the problem. You don't think an honest conversation is the best route? Just asking. I know my marriage failed but I don't think it was from too much honesty but just the opposite. What's your suggestion to the OP? Don't mean to be argumentative; I'm legitimately curious.

[kamani]

“With all due respect, people with failed marriages have made mistakes - which means they've learned a few things from their prior actions. Failure doesn't come without having learned a few lessons”

Agreed -100%

“However, it could be a valuable tool if you were to tell your husand that you found yourself extremely attracted to the coworker which means you both need to work on things at home so you're more fulfilled and not so easily led into temptation like you were”

Agreed.

I wouldn’t dispute with you whether it was ‘love’ or ‘crush’ though I believe it was love.

Many of you wonder whether I actually cheated. The worst I did was finding official excuses to talk to him (once a month, and it was of course ‘official’ and he willingly did it)

You can decide what it was from my first post

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/347033-should-i-continue-him-friend

 

The problem is I am still at the same place, perhaps worse when I saw him last. (It’s two months passed now and not over it yet) .I cannot function at work and I’m well below the target. Mine is a lonely job in front of a computer whole day, with minimum interaction with others. When I come home I just want to lye and don’t feel like doing anything. I feel like, I want to be a housewife, not going to work, not helping my husband’s freelance work. I feel drained.

However when I spend time with my son, I’m quite happy. When I lay in my husband’s arms these miserable feelings drop to the minimum, but how can a man hold his wife 24 hrs a day?

Is my mental condition normal? Do you think there’s anyone more suitable other than my husband to talk about this? Do I need professional help? I’m of cause sick, I get headache every evening from two months back. The headache subsided when I decided to talk to my husband.

Edited December 15, 2012 by kamani

[Clockwork]

I wouldn't bring it up to him about the other man. It was a crush and nothing more by the sounds of it. I would talk to him about the romance being out in your marriage. I know I would be bouncing off the walls if I was only having sex once a week. Like in a Seinfeld episode they said a man will always take sex over sleep. So something is wrong. Find a spark and see if that works. Tell him you don't want the two of you to drift apart.

[standtall]

With all due respect, people with failed marriages have made mistakes - which means they've learned a few things from their prior actions. Failure doesn't come without having learned a few lessons.

 

Don't discount the advice of people with failed marriages. Hell, past experience is one of the BEST teachers.

 

I am not discounting all advice, just the advice about confessing a crush. it seems that a lot of the victims of cheating think that the truth is the truth no matter what, but life is not so black and white.

 

Also, where would you go for marital advice

 

1. From people who have long term...20 yr..successful marriages. Successful=happy and well balanced..couple is still in love.

 

or

 

2. Someone is who is posting here who is divorced at least once, and is now single and recovering, or on their second marriage with some major problems?

 

Be honest. Make sense doesn't it?

[amelie5877]

you are deeply in unhappy marriage, things is not working out between you and your husband, it is not your fault neither your husband, what was lack there is communication,

you have to talk, you dont need long hours to talk, take atleast 15 minutes a day to talk with each other about what was keep inside you and your hopes, this will keep the lines of communication open.

 

find out my tips to happy marriage Marriage Counseling & Therapy BLOG: Seven Secrets to Happy Marriage