GF of 5 years married someone else a month later.?.

[wellthereyago]

she has since given the car away to her sister but the loan has been getting paid from best I can tell so far.

as far as the BPD I know when she was younger she was on several medications for emotional imbalances but when we started dating we discussed a lot of things that basically became our boundaries. my ex wife became a nurse and almost over night we all started needing prescriptions to "cope" with each other. I quickly realized that pills are a substitute for controlling your emotions and only my ex wife remained on said medications. since then even my ex wife admits she just really got caught up in that mindset of the medical profession that those pills just cure everything.

anyway one main point that the BPD research made was that if you are going to have any chance at a LTR with someone with BPD was to set boundaries very early on. I didn't realize it at the time but I think actually having those discussions and expectations on the front end is what made it last as long as it did. I think that with all the other things going on and mainly the lost of a lot of my confidence with leaving my job is really what finally set the fuse on this time bomb.

i'm not making excuses for her at all I just feel like I understand better now that I did treat her well and that I really didn't have a fighting chance to begin with.

[NoMoreJerks]

Holy crap. You know, I was fuming when I read your post, OP. I feel for you. Some people are jerks/b*tches. Nothing excuses her behavior. People like her (and like my ex) deserve a special place in hell. Seriously. I'd go complete NC, for good. You were there for her for a long long time, and she basically took advantage of that , and then moved on to someone else. That's a very sh*tty thing to do to someone, and it's been done to me before, though not on that scale.

[Outsider77]

From what I have read, it sounds like she has a lot of problems. I actually feel sorry for her. Don't blame you for still thinking about her. Five years and the relationship just ends. It's a lot to deal with.

[wellthereyago]

NoMoreJerks - nice quote from the man Johnny Cash lol

Thank you for your comments. I don't wish ill on her though I just wish she would wake up and get the help she needs. I felt the same way after my wife left but ultimately it made me better in the long run. I will recover from this and become better and stronger even if I don't feel like it some days. I do truly love her and i guess that is the part that hurts the worst but that isn't something i can control or even influence at this point.

[Fufu]

You sound like a mature man and I sincerely feel for your situation.

 

All I can say is move on from this girl because I really think you deserve someone who really wants to be with you.

 

5 years is long, but not long enough to stop you from moving ahead.

[Dinozzo925]

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but here is a quick update.

so recently I got a call from someone that has talked to my ex a couple of times lately and it seems there is more to the story now... basically there was talk for raging hormones and a lot of hints (body language) that she is pregnant. if that is the case then it actually explains a lot. all the depression and anxiety (especially if she was cheating) and all the getting sick during the day right after all this started. honestly if it is true it kind of gives me some closure to the situation that I really didn't have before. I had really accepted that I would probably not ever know why she really left but now it kind of makes sense.

anyway I also wanted to add time does heal all and I honestly feel worlds better than I did even 2 months ago when I last posted. so anyone going thru a similar or lesser situation please know that eventually you will heal you just have to just keep pushing thru all the pain.

 

Christ. That's ****ed up.

 

No offense, but this is really a great example of why relationships should only get one shot. To me this is a clear cut example of why I would never take a cheater back. Urgh, this makes me sick dude. I feel for you.

[wellthereyago]

Thanks Fufu I really pride myself on being able to stay level headed in the most difficult situations but that is almost impossible in my personal relationship such as this. I guess if nothing else my story has given some people an idea of how bad it can be.

Btw I have since confirmed she is not pregnant but since she made it a point to relay that information to a mutual friend I think she was possibly trying to get me to react to that information or possible test our mutual friend's loyalty on one side or the other.

[Downtown]

I am now leaning towards her having a borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Well, anything is possible. That is not what you are describing, however. As I note below, the behaviors you describe are inconsistent with typical BPD traits.

i have been dating a girl for the last 5 years and everything seemed to be great. we communicated well ....we never really fought except a couple of times... we calmly talked things out after she composed herself.

You describe a five-year period in which you two "communicated well" and "everything seemed to be great." Moreover, that period involved only "a couple" of fights, after which she "calmly talked things out" when she was composed.

 

This does NOT describe BPD behavior because, given a BPDer's inability to regulate emotions, a BPDer would have thrown numerous temper tantrums throughout that period -- so many that you would have felt you were walking on eggshells all the time in an effort to avoid triggering her next hissy fit.

 

Further, because BPD constitutes a dysfunctional way of thinking that originates in early childhood, it does not lie hidden for five years and then suddenly surface when a person has a stressful job. Granted, your exGF certainly has some BPD traits. We all do -- which is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder." This does not imply, however, that she is anywhere close to having the full-blown disorder itself. If you would like to see a description of what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you take a look at my posts in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

[Sugarkane]

Sorry for such a horrible situation. I don't know anyone in their right mind that would want to date, let alone marry someone like this. Does the next person really think they'll be the exception to their fickle, callous Behaviour?!

[clicktoenlarge]

I have been going through some major S*** myself this week, my Ex Gf got pregnant by another man a month after our breakup . How are you now 4 months later? how have you been able to get over this? Any suggestions for me?

[wellthereyago]

Downtown I have been meaning to write you back as I did read that article you linked to and it was very informative. I agree that the temper tantrums seems to be a very prevalent behavior for a BPD and after really thinking about that the last couple of days I guess there is another element I really hadn't considered.

I mentioned that when we first met back several years before we started dating she and I worked together and she was abrasive and outspoken (mean to others). When we started dating I had recently been promoted to management in our location and she was still an employee (even though not directly under my department) we had several problems at work. I kind of chalked a lot of that up to her pushing limits to see what she could get away with since she felt "untouchable" knowing I would not allow her to be terminated due to her behavior. She did seem to calm down as we became more serious and after we decided she needed to go work somewhere else she then began focusing on how all her new co-workers were out to get her. She went thru about 4 or 5 jobs in under a year (red flag) and each time she was terminated it was related to not getting along with employees or managers. This was concerning and we actually discussed that this could be a very serious issue if we were going to get married in the future unless she planned to just stay home with the children and she did not want to do that. Now with that said I moved into the executive position with the medical company and within a year was making 3 times what I was making when we worked together but it was a very stressful job. So I wonder now if all the drama between her job hopping and my stressful job was sufficient to keep her feeling normal and excited in that environment. After I left that job in November she was constantly calling me 5 or 6 times a day just to complain about her co-workers, bosses, etc. and I finally told her that I was getting very stressed about her just "dumping" on me constantly as I was trying to concentrate on getting some things together for a start up business.

Now back up to when we first started talking and I was very clear about what kind of woman I wanted - basically the exact opposite of my ex-wife. I see know I handed her the playbook to manipulate me from the start. As long as we weren't fighting about money or sex everything else seemed to be drama around work or family issues (mainly on her side). Also after looking back over her last 2 primary relationships (the 2 fathers of her kids) she almost immediately began to mimic their beliefs and way of thinking and since they were complete opposites and I'm completely different things really started to make sense that she defines and presents her personality based on who she is dating/married to at the time. Since I have some pretty far fetched ideas not conforming to the mainstream she quickly adopted those and would tell me stories about how she defended her point of view at work to co-workers and others.

Anyway very interesting article and subject all together and I really appreciate your insight on the situation. I guess I'm still stocking piling proof in my own mind that I did everything I could to make the relationship work so I can move to the next stage.

[wellthereyago]

ok so i'm back with another little piece of the puzzle. so recently I found out that my ex's mother is living with my ex and her new husband (keep in mind the new husband and ex's mother work together too) since my ex's father passed a couple of months ago. so it is now becoming clear that my original thought that the mother was heavily involved in this whole thing from the beginning. the more reading I have done on BPD the more I see how the mother is even more damaged than I originally thought and a good portion of this break up was really the mother making preparations for her livelihood AFTER the passing of her husband. the mother had made several comments to my mother about not being able to live in her house alone after her husband died (they talked a lot about things like that since we lost my father 2 years ago). I think she knew I would not allow her to live her with us when we got married. I know my ex and I have discussed a similar situation I had with my 1st wife's mother moving in with us right after our wedding and it really drove a wedge between us right off the bat. so she also knew I wouldn't really be on-board with that idea and also my mother was strong enough to go thru that terrible loss and not have to move in with me or my siblings.

anyway I really wish I could just let this whole thing go and completely move on but as I have been reading I am starting to realize I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" which makes a lot of sense when I look back at both this relationship and my marriage. so with all that being said I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself and yes it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.

[Downtown]

I have some issues with the "rescuing compulsion" .... I don't really know how to correct that behavior in myself.

Like you, I have strong "excessive caregiver" tendencies. The problem is not that we try to help other people but, rather, that we keep on doing so even when it is to our own great detriment. As I understand it, the reason we do this is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are).

 

The result is that we find it hard to tell we are really loved unless we also are being desperately needed. This is why we will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find one who desperately needs us. The solution, which I've been working on, is to be more sensitive to our own needs and to establish (and enforce) strong personal boundaries that protect those needs.

it scares the hell out of me that I make this mistake again and end up another 5 or 10 years down the road in this same boat.

Because you know how to recognize the warning signs for BPD and other PDs, you likely will protect yourself by looking for those red flags. Moreover, if you start enforcing strong personal boundaries -- refusing to walk on eggshells to keep the woman calm -- you will find that a BPDer won't want to stay in a LTR with you.

 

Indeed, I suspect that the reason your last relationship ended so abruptly was that, in the last year or two of the R/S, you had started enforcing boundaries that your Ex found unacceptable (one being no abusive MIL living with the two of you).

[barky2]

Hey op, just read your story.

 

First and foremost I wanted to apologize on what you're going thru, I truly am sorry.

 

Now down to the nitty.

 

She had her daughter call you because she figured that you had heard about her getting married , and you would react in a outrage. Which you didn't. So in a attempt to make sure you did, she had her call. Then once she knew, you knew, she changed her number... Kind of like a " ha ha got him!"

 

The thing is op, and it might sound cliche, but their relationship has zero ground to even begin on, it MIGHT not end well, can't guarantee it, but it's likely.

 

But I want you to remember the pain and anger for if and when your phone rings again.

 

Yes she's a drama queen, she BLATANTLY was trying to hurt you.

 

The best thing you could have done, was when the daughter was on the phone been like oh that's awesome tell mommy I said congrats!

 

You seriously dodged a bullet.

 

You may not see it now, but one day, when you move on, meet someone, fall in love, marry, and have kids with them, you'll look back and be like damn, half of loveshack was right.

 

Chin up broski.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[wellthereyago]

Thanks for the encouraging words and support barky2 and Downtown.

Downtown I have thought about what you said about the enforcing boundaries particularly in respect to her mother. I think you are dead on with that statement. When we first started talking/dating she had moved back home after her last relationship (during the pregnancy and right after the baby came) and when I suggested she move out and be more independent her mother had a complete break down and was so angry about her moving out they didn't speak for weeks and the only time they did speak was her mother calling to accuse her of being a bad mother/not being married/etc.

I, of course, expressed my thoughts on that situation and many other times over the years and even though I thought I was helping my ex make better decisions all of that was being gathered for this final episode. Anyway in the last couple of years we have had a couple of situations where her mother and I went head to head but since I was paying their bills (medical insurance, monthly bills, ex gf rent, etc.) she didn't really ever cross that line to much. I remember us having a conversation about how no one in her family "checks" her mom on her behavior so she continues to use that to control family situations, family members, etc.

barky2 I sure hope I don't find someone to have more kids with or I will have a doctor to sue for my vasectomy not taking lol. j/k I really appreciate your optimism and I remember feeling like this after my divorce and thinking I would never find anyone and I did find one it was just not THE ONE I guess. I guess a lot of my concern now is I'm getting older and I don't have many more times to get it right - I'm no spring chicken as they say lol.

I guess I really thought that after 5 years together she had grown out of the drama queen thing because she really only had a few outbursts over the years and since she knew I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior I think she was afraid I would leave her or tell her to go. I'm really surprised she had the kids call me as I have been more like a father to them than either of their dads but especially the 5 year old because I did raise her since she was born and she didn't even see her real father until she was almost 2 years old or so.

[Downtown]

Well, I agree with you that the meanness toward coworkers -- during that 5 year period -- is a red flag for strong BPD traits. It therefore may be worth a few minutes time for you to read about "quiet BPDers." Although they typically are not verbally abusive, they do punish their spouses -- by using passive aggressive actions and remarks and cold withdrawal.

 

There is not much info online because nearly all BPDers are of the "loud" variety. I nonetheless have found three interesting articles. One is by A.J. Mahara at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. She emphasizes the icy cold aspect of these folks.

 

The second article is by Shari Schreiber, a woman who IMO tends to mistake narcissists and sociopaths for BPDers. Even so, I find her article about quiet BPDers insightful. She emphasizes the "poor little me, I'm such a victim" nature of the quiet BPDers, which is why she refers to them as "waifs." Her article is at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved..

 

The third article is by Randi Kreger who, like Schreiber, describes these people as "waifs." Her description is at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-borderline-mother-and-her-children.

[wellthereyago]

Ok I'm back and need some more input from the community here. First a little update - I've maintained no contact with the ex since May/June 2013 (no facebook or googling her.) I'm feeling much better about the situation but obviously it still crosses my mind quite often. Haven't seen her in public more than passing her on the road occasionally and even then she covers her face or looks the other way. I know I'm not completely healed but I have been on a few dates and go out with friends on a regular basis and feel much better than even just a couple of months ago. Still hitting the gym 4 to 5 days a week and dropped another 10lbs while on my cutting cycle and when I see people that haven't seen me in a couple of months or more they are absolutely amazed how different I look which is great to boost my self esteem. So overall I think I'm beginning to move on and get my life back for me.

So a couple of days ago I got a text from my ex's best friend saying she had been waving at someone that she thought was me. Then she started asking how I was doing. I was busy when the texts came in so it was a couple of hours later when I saw it. I debated to not even respond but she and I had become friends and even talked to her a little bit right after the break up and she even called me a few weeks after my ex got married to tell me she had no idea and thought it was all pretty crazy. She was also the friend that I saw in the local restaurant with my ex and her new husband. So I haven't talked to this friend since a couple of weeks after the break up even though she said she still wanted to hang out sometimes. So anyway I responded to her and said I was doing good and my son was doing good. She asked about my job situation and we caught up a bit. Anyway she ended it with saying she wanted to hang out sometimes and I said that was fine.

Well right before I responded to the texts I was talking with my older sister and she is friends with my ex's new husband's ex wife. So anyway apparently the new husband's son got a high school girl pregnant and she just had the baby. Right after he got her pregnant he went off to the army but now he is back and the baby was born about 3 weeks ago. So that means that all of them are living in the new husband's house -- my ex, her 2 girls (ages 5 and 9), new husband, his two kids (boy 21 and girl 16), the son's baby, and my ex's mom. I can only imagine how crazy that whole living arrangement is but then also remember the ex's mom and new husband also work together. Also did I mention that the son got a 15 year old pregnant and that is statutory rape...

So I get home and start thinking more about it and start wondering if there was anything to that or just an innocent conversation. So I ask a buddy of mine that also was friends with my ex and he says he thinks she might be running recon for my ex and I am kind of thinking the same thing. So I guess I'm wondering if I should be expecting some kind of retaliation from the ex? I can't say that I'm completely over her but I also know I don't want to go thru all the pain again and I want to be prepared if she starts reaching out or trying to manipulate others around me as we still have a lot of mutual friends. Any advice will be greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.

[wellthereyago]

So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did.

I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.

[Purepony]

I think your hung up because you really don't have closure or you see the potential of the relationship.

 

My ex left me and I still felt guilty until I realized I didn't need any validation from her

 

Forget about the past and start something new when your ready

[Boomshine]

So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did.

I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.

 

Well, you tell us! Elaborate more on what it is you feel in regards to still being hung up on her. What are your thoughts and feelings like? What do they say to you?

[Chi townD]

So I'm back and I need some support from the community. It has been almost a year and a half since the break up and I don't like where I am (hence why I'm back posting.) I have maintained no contact, no cyber searching, etc. I've only run into her once since my last post and they turned around and left the restaurant as soon as they saw me and my family. So I have dating several women and even been intimate with a few and honestly I thought I would be completely over all of this at this point but I'm still hung up on it. I have decided that even if she called and wanted to come back I would not take her back. I feel like I have done everything I can to move on besides proposing to the next woman I saw. So why do I still feel guilty (like I'm cheating) when I'm with someone else, I don't feel attracted to other women, and I feel like I will never find another person that made me feel like she did.

I would appreciate some feedback that isn't "just get over it", "dude - your pathetic", etc. because believe me I feel pretty pathetic feeling like this and feeling helpless to do anything about it. And lastly I am posting here because a while back I a commitment to myself to not keep talking to friends and family about this as I'm sure they are sick of hearing about it but now I feel like I'm suffering in my own head.

 

 

 

 

You need a vacation. You need to get away from the norm. You are always on eggshells about running into her somewhere in town. Go somewhere different. Pick a place that you've always wanted to see and go! Go to London! See Big Ben and Buckingham Palace! Talk to English girls! They love to help out clueless Americans (if you are American) dudes that don't know what they're doing. Go to Italy! Michael93 just got back from Venice and he LOVED IT! He said that Italian girls were the most beautiful he's ever seen! Or go to the Bahamas and enjoy the surf and sun. And most important about this trip? ZERO chance of running into the Ex.

 

 

Then when you get back, you might want to think about moving away. Going somewhere new. A fresh start.

[wellthereyago]

Boomshine - you asked how I feel... Well first and foremost I feel like I should be over this already and I feel like a loser for not being over it. Internally it makes me angry to look at my friends that have cheated on each other and are still married. It makes me angry when I see girls stay in relationships where their boyfriends or husbands treat them like crap and they stay faithful and it seems like they even treat those guys better because of the bad treatment. I keep those feelings to my self however and play pretty as to not let on how bitter I am about my situation. I don't think I will ever find another person that I had that kind of connection with like I did with her. I'm baffled by the fact that in almost 6 years we didn't get married and decided we didn't want more children and she said she always wanted to work outside the home but now she is a stay-at-home mom, pregnant, and obviously married this guy in a matter of weeks. WTF!!!

Chi - a vacation would be nice and moving would be even better but I have a son that is in school here for the next 4 years and my Mom isn't getting any younger and I need to be here to take care of her. I did get out of town right after all this happened and it did seem to help so I might need to check into doing that again soon. You are dead on that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells every time I go grocery shopping, out to eat (or even pick up dinner in this town), get gas, etc. because I feel like I am going to run into her or her and him.

[Downtown]

I'm back and need some more input from the community here.

Well, did you have time to read any of the articles I posted links for in post #41 above? If so, did any of them cast light on your situation?

[wellthereyago]

Downtown i did read those articles it was awhile back right after you posted them originaly and i had actually happened across one or two of them before you posted them lol. It did actually explain a lot from her side and honestly now im more concerned with me moving in than being so worries about how she is doing. I know i have some issues and i also know i never want to go thru something like that again. But again it is hard to keep putting on a happy face and not having any way to vent how i really feel about all of this. Friends and family get tired of hearing about it and it takes a toll on them at a certain point. She has shown me her true colors and i believe her so now im trying to get myself to a better place and let her be her husbands problem