WearyWanderer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) We dated exclusively before, he left (twice) because he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He wanted to get back together, but I didn't trust that he was ready. A year later, he still wanted to try again, so I agreed. It's been 4 months since we reconnected, 3 since we decided to be exclusive. I can honestly say that things have been so much better than before. It's as though what I saw under the surface before has emerged, and he is the guy I hoped he'd be. I trust and respect him more than anyone I have ever been with, and the emotional and physical connections are great. Our communication is strong. I thought things were on a promising path, until our conversation yesterday. We had a "check in" about the relationship, and talked about how we were both feeling. The problem is that he isn't sure I "get him" in terms of how he sees the world (very deeply and emotionally), and that I don't always engage in conversation in a way he's looking for. He listed many things he likes about me, and said he feels the relationship is improving, and that he wants to stay together and see where it goes. For me, it was as though a rock hit my chest, fast and hard. I didn't think of it during the discussion, but he told me he loved me towards the end of last year (a few months before we started dating again). But, he doesn't love me now (his words are that he likes/cares for me very much). I'm not looking for a instant marriage proposal, but I was expecting something more, for him to be head over heels about me, and through-the-roof excited that we're back together. I was looking to develop an amazing relationship where we could both feel loved and free to be ourselves. Now, I just feel like it's doomed. I just can't shake the sad feeling, it's gripped my chest since yesterday. Maybe we aren't for each other. How would you feel if you were me and what would you do? Edited June 23, 2013 by WearyWanderer
BC1980 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 It is really bad if he doesn't love you. That's not something you can "fix." I have to question his motives for initiating that you get back together if he seems to be the less serious one. Also, he seems to find you incompatible on some level. Even if you don't see it, the problem exists because he sees it. He says you aren't deep enough basically. I can tell you from experience that if a person views you as incompatible on any level, no amount of time will change that. You are who you are. He may overlook it, but, when it comes to really committing, I will bet you he ends up hesitant. I had a similar situation and ended up wasting years on a person who felt we were incompatible on some levels. I kept waiting because I thought he would get over it or look past it, but everytime it got serious, he freaked out. He even went so far as to buy a ring, and we lived together. But on some core level, he felt we were incompatible. Your situation sounds so similar to mine, but you aren't as far in as I was. We lived together, so it was a bigger deal to go our separate ways. I saw the red flags and looked the other way. Don't be me. Don't settle for someone who does not accept you. It's totally unfair. We had a lot in common, and there was a lot of good. But he ultimately saw some things he could not live with. You deserve someone who will accept you for who you are and not jerk you around like this guy. You are playing by his rules. He breaks up, he initiates getting back. You've given him way too much power. It's hard to read this post because it reminds me so much of my past situation. After I got through the heartache, it was freeing to let it go.
Author WearyWanderer Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 So, you recommend that I end the relationship? Ugh. I'm sitting here crying and aching as though we've already separated. I feel so terrible inside.
mammasita Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I'm taking this to mean that "he loves you but is not in love with you". End it now. I could have posted most of what you're saying. I was in a very similar relationship where he told me he loved me but wasnt in love yet wanted to stay with me. You're doing yourself a disservice if you stay with him. You deserve someone who IS head over heals in love with you. I know what you're feeling, I went through the exact same emotions. A couple of my earlier threads dealing with what you're going through: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/351634-dumpee-once-again-but-i-feel-like-there-glimmer-hope http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/368330-did-i-do-right-thing
BC1980 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I hate to recommend that, but it doesn't sound good. You have to be the one to decide. Objectively, you could likely find someone better. It's so hard to see when you are in the relationship yourself. I just know this pain, of not being able to be good enough for someone but yet accepting him the way he is. It brings immense stress, and, if it ends again, I am sure he will be the one to do it. That is what killed me. My ex ended it when I was the one to accept him so fully, baggage and all. It's like a dagger to the heart. It's so hard to be in a relationship where the other person is struggling to accept you, and they can't. There is always a deep seeded insecurity no matter how well things are going. At the very least, I would make it clear to him that you are who you are. You can't change the core of yourself. He would find sticking up for yourself much more attractive than trying to be someone you are not. I wish I had known better.
GilianaK Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 My sense is that this relationship will end again no matter how long you try to hang on, wish and wait. You deserve a man that loves you. His said very clearly that he does not love you. Also, his issues with you sound terminal. I have found when a man starts telling me what is not working for him in the relationship he is inching he way out to make it easier when he decides to end it. Self-love means you walk away from this man and live in the reality of him not wishful thinking.
BC1980 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Two more red flags I noticed from your post. It's a terrible sign that he has left multiple times before. It's unstable, and a relationship cannot withstand that in the end. He "lists" many things he likes about you. That reminded me of my ex. Like he's making a pros and cons list. It's like he's trying to convince himself, logically, why the relationship should work. I felt like my ex would do that at times. It was so subtle at first that I brushed it off. If became apparent towards the last year of our relationship, but I was in too deep by that time. I had become a coward. I know you are in a world of hurt at the idea of ending it, but you are also hurting because he has so much power and you are not being accepted. There are loads of men out there who will accept you no matter what. Stop putting this man on a pedestal.
Author WearyWanderer Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you for all the responses. I don't feel much better about any of this today. I did a lot of thinking last night and realized that I don't need him to change any of his behaviors in order for me to love him. And it's not about being perfect or putting him on a pedestal, I just like him the way he is. This is huge. If he doesn't feel the same way, then I don't see much hope. I can't deal with an imbalance that great. I have a hard time opening up to people, but I have with him to a certain extent. I've shared very personal feelings. If it's not meeting his needs or isn't increasing at a rate he sees fit, then that's too bad (seriously, that's sad). But, I like who I am and the right person will appreciate and love me completely. I have a session with my therapist next week but am trying to get in sooner.
BC1980 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I truly feel your pain. To love someone, flaws and all but to have that person want you to change. I love you BUT. I dealt with this for 3 yrs, and I can't tell you the pain I went through. Look, my ex bought me am engagement ring and talked about how much he wanted to marry me for an entire year. Never would give me the ring, which is emotional abuse in itself. Then, he breaks it off when I get home from work one night. I can't tell you the tears I cried for him, yet he was so unworthy of them. People like this never change. They are arrogant, and they always think you are below them. They think something is wrong with you when, in fact, they are the problem. No matter what you do, it won't be good enough for him. It shouldn't be that way when we are willing to love so completely. It's really hard to be in this type of relationship, always wondering when you are going to slip up. It seems so clear to me now, but I made all the excuses at the time.
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