Minneloa Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hi LS, My bf of 8 months and I broke up last week. It was a mutual decision, due to timing and circumstances, but it still hurts a lot. I am lucky to be surrounded by family this summer, and I have been striving to stay busy. Today, however, I found myself lingering in my maroon velour sweat pants all day, thinkng about thr words never and if only. There is a thin line between grieving and sulking, and today I crossed it. Onward! M.
Author Minneloa Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Um, I may have underestimated the wallop of this thing. It is just now beginning to dawn on me, after drifting along in a mild haze of denial (with a little false hope thrown in for good measure) for two weeks, that mutual or not, mature or not, understandable or not, my relationship is OVER and my bf is no longer part of my life. UGH.
Author Minneloa Posted August 7, 2013 Author Posted August 7, 2013 For others who are struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, I wanted to share my experience. I can sum up the benefits of NC in two words: clarity and perspective. My ex and I ended our relationship two months ago. When I first experienced (and posted about) my breakup, I viewed it as sort of a tragic blow of fate ("timing and circumstances"), a mutual decision, a mutal loss. Now that the initial shock and denial have worn off and I have not engaged further with my ex, I can see (and admit to myself) that he had already silently withdrawn from the relationship at least six weeks before the end. Ouch. Anger stage (at myself and him), anyone? Perhaps time would have healed all wounds eventually. But I believe NC accelerated the healing process by giving me the emotional space to see my own situation more clearly. It hurts, but I'd rather face the truth than sit around in fantasy land. Sending good thoughts to all. It gets better! M.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Absolutely NC accelerates the healing process. What does it even more, though, is to talk INCESSANTLY of the breakup with people that know you well. I have been extremely lucky to have at least ten people I have talked to to a varying degree of depth about how I feel, what I thought had happened, etc. That's ten people's worth of reactions, understandings, compromises, suggestions and swearwords. Eventually you realise you'll never know the truth, but you can choose your own version too. NC definitely helps you deal with the relationship and the breakup, rather than a plethora of added unimportant things such as how long it took to reply to your text and whether he sounded too formal or too interested etc. etc. Remove the uncertainty from the picture as much as you can, try to deal with what you were left with; that's why NC is useful. 2
Author Minneloa Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Hey unexpectedly, Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate your input. I do understand the value of airing one's emotions and getting support from family and friends. However, a key turning point for me was realizing that I had to STOP talking about the breakup. At some point, the rehashing and questioning was hurting more than helping. I had to accept that I would never truly understand all the nuances and that I needed to focus on the bottom line: the relationship was over. NC is crucial in this respect because it deprives you of more "material," so to speak. More stuff to analyze and dissect. Who needs that? Ugh! Just my perspective. I do better when I leave the storytelling to the children's librarians. M.
melell Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Hi LS, My bf of 8 months and I broke up last week. It was a mutual decision, due to timing and circumstances, but it still hurts a lot. I am lucky to be surrounded by family this summer, and I have been striving to stay busy. Today, however, I found myself lingering in my maroon velour sweat pants all day, thinkng about thr words never and if only. There is a thin line between grieving and sulking, and today I crossed it. Onward! M. LOVE THIS! I honestly find myself laughing at myself sometimes because I do this. I think I am having a hard day, and will be like oh god I am so depressed, but it really is just sulking.
Author Minneloa Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Truth moment: when I first posted here about my breakup, I was in la-la land. Looking back, I see how I was mired in shock and denial. Thank you, LS, for helping me (slowly!) to see that my situation was not some unfortunate, star-crossed anomaly that would play out differently than other breakups. Nope! It was a garden-variety split, and the best thing I learned here was to disappear like a ninja and distance myself from the source of my pain. Three months in, I still feel the loss, but without NC, I assure you that I would be a shambling wreck of a woman. I am trusting the process and take heart from hearing stories from those who have fully recovered and re-emerged into the sunshine, as it were. I appreciate the openness here, as well as the tough love. I have learned a lot, and I am grateful for the support and community I have found. Cheers, M. 6
Author Minneloa Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 LOVE THIS! I honestly find myself laughing at myself sometimes because I do this. I think I am having a hard day, and will be like oh god I am so depressed, but it really is just sulking. Oh yeah, I am a world-class sulker! 1
Author Minneloa Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) The most pithy breakup advice I have every heard is from Lindsey Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac, who sings, "I know there's nothing to say." That pretty much sums it up. Edited September 2, 2013 by Minneloa 2
Author Minneloa Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Well, I am at 3.5 months post-break up and NC. Somedays I feel like Katy Perry (Roar!), but a lot of times I still feel wistful and miss my ex. I'm getting more perspective on the relationship (he was kind of a jerk to me) and mistakes I made (hint: many!), but I still miss his companionship and (truth moment) wish he would come back, ala romcoms, and declare he made a terrible mistake. I know that's the false hope (and, perhaps, female socialization) talking, and I don't have any urge to break NC (the thought fills me with horror, actually-- what on earth would I say to this person who walked away from me?), but I notice that I tend to be sad rather than angry about the demise of the relationship. Probably should work on that. Is anyone else 3-4 months in who can relate to my situation, or anyone further on who remembers this phase? At this point, it's just hard for me to imagine emerging from my NC cocoon as a full-grown butterfly who doesn't give a $@% about her ex. 1
Mariposa10 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Do you guys have mutual friends? Did you delete him from Facebook etc? Good luck!
Author Minneloa Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Do you guys have mutual friends? Did you delete him from Facebook etc? Good luck! Thanks! We have a few mutual acquaintances, but they are being mum and discreet, which I appreciate. Deleted him from FB and haven't spoken/texted/signal-fired a word to him since the breakup, so I think my NC ducks are pretty much in a row.
melell Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I am 3.5 months since breakup, NC the whole time, except for two texts I replied to. To be honest I am still back and forward. I am MUCH better, but still quite depressed over the whole thing and have moments when I realize just how long this process is. I concentrate on positive things as much as possible, always doing things that will make me feel good. I still sometimes fantasize about them coming back and how I'd react- I try my best to not do this. For awhile I was really angry, but that has gone away, I just think about good times now which is such a pain, it makes my self worth disappear and puts him on a pedestal. Blah.
Mariposa10 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I am 3.5 months since breakup, NC the whole time, except for two texts I replied to. To be honest I am still back and forward. I am MUCH better, but still quite depressed over the whole thing and have moments when I realize just how long this process is. I concentrate on positive things as much as possible, always doing things that will make me feel good. I still sometimes fantasize about them coming back and how I'd react- I try my best to not do this. For awhile I was really angry, but that has gone away, I just think about good times now which is such a pain, it makes my self worth disappear and puts him on a pedestal. Blah. I've been really angry, I'm less angry now... I hope I won't start thinking about the good times we had, that's what I did for months already... I want go from being angry to indifferent.
melell Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It may well happen, I am pretty indifferent now, like I think of the memories but they don't make me emotional anymore. I think regardless of what phase we are in, or what order it happens in, it gets easier as time passes
Author Minneloa Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 I am 3.5 months since breakup, NC the whole time, except for two texts I replied to. To be honest I am still back and forward. I am MUCH better, but still quite depressed over the whole thing and have moments when I realize just how long this process is. I concentrate on positive things as much as possible, always doing things that will make me feel good. I still sometimes fantasize about them coming back and how I'd react- I try my best to not do this. For awhile I was really angry, but that has gone away, I just think about good times now which is such a pain, it makes my self worth disappear and puts him on a pedestal. Blah. I'm sorry you're hurting, Melell, but it does seem like you are progressing forward. That's all we can focus on, I guess. It does give me comfort knowing that my mixed feelings at this stage are shared by someone else. Sending good thoughts your way! Hopefully we will both turn a corner soon.
BrightHope Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I've read your replies to many here on LS. You are very thoughtful,kind and full of good advice.mim sorry you are going through this. It's so hard, isn't it? Keep up the things that are moving you forward. And be careful what you wish for. My ex came back after three months...the fairy tale we all hoping for! Except it wasn't of course and now not only am I back to where I was but it seems even worse somehow, if that's possible ! I know, this is lame....but some day, we will be over it.
Mariposa10 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I've read your replies to many here on LS. You are very thoughtful,kind and full of good advice.mim sorry you are going through this. It's so hard, isn't it? Keep up the things that are moving you forward. And be careful what you wish for. My ex came back after three months...the fairy tale we all hoping for! Except it wasn't of course and now not only am I back to where I was but it seems even worse somehow, if that's possible ! I know, this is lame....but some day, we will be over it. Why, what happened? if you don't mind talking about it. 1
AnyaNova Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I hope time moves quickly. I am so tired of being in this morass. It is like I have a splinter that I know needs to go, but it just won't. I am glad to hear you are doing better with more time.
BrightHope Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Here is the link to what I posted over the weekend....it sounds even more pathetic now. You know, my ex was so slow and cautious, yet every step forward in our relationship was his idea. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428048-my-fairytale-s-over I too read Men Who Can't Love. Thinking of sending a copy to him
Author Minneloa Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I've read your replies to many here on LS. You are very thoughtful,kind and full of good advice.mim sorry you are going through this. It's so hard, isn't it? Keep up the things that are moving you forward. And be careful what you wish for. My ex came back after three months...the fairy tale we all hoping for! Except it wasn't of course and now not only am I back to where I was but it seems even worse somehow, if that's possible ! I know, this is lame....but some day, we will be over it. Hi BH, Thank you for your good wishes and your cautionary tale as well. I think my hope that my ex will return is mostly a fantasy, but it lingers. Sending good thoughts your way! M.
Author Minneloa Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 I hope time moves quickly. I am so tired of being in this morass. It is like I have a splinter that I know needs to go, but it just won't. I am glad to hear you are doing better with more time. Hi AnyaNova, Thanks. I definitely see signs of progress. I actually had a GREAT day on Sunday. Really felt like I had turned a corner. Then yesterday I felt all sad again. Still, I am trying to focus on SUNDAY, when I felt strong & confident & ready to move forward. Sending good thoughts! We will get through this. M.
BrightHope Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Hi AnyaNova, Thanks. I definitely see signs of progress. I actually had a GREAT day on Sunday. Really felt like I had turned a corner. Then yesterday I felt all sad again. Still, I am trying to focus on SUNDAY, when I felt strong & confident & ready to move forward. Sending good thoughts! We will get through this. M. How are you doing, Minneloa?
Author Minneloa Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Hi BH, Thanks for checking in! I was just thinking about updating this thread. Well, at 4.5 months post-breakup and NC, I am doing fairly well. My emotions have settled regarding my ex, and I can see the relationship more clearly (hint: no bueno). It was a relatively short relationship compared to many folks here, but it was after a long dry spell and I had, well, high hopes. I see now that I wasn't paying enough to the actual relationship because I was so glad to have a companion. Dumb. Next time, I will try to be more alert and focus on content (is this person a good fit? do we communicate well? is he emotionally available?) rather than form (hey, I have a BF!). I have also noticed that my anxiety has shifted from my ex to other more mundane life matters, like my next career move. This is helpful because it gives me another place to focus my mental energy. Plus, those pesky job applications take time. How are you faring? Sending good thoughts, M. 2
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