My Fairytale....and it's over

[BrightHope]

Over the last three years of my on/off relationship, I have been an avid reader of these forums. I have not posted until now. I honestly don't know what else to do and hope that this helps.

 

We met over three years ago. Both of us in our late 40s - me never married, no kids. Him, a couple of years out of a 20 year marriage with two teenage daughters. It was a long distance relationship for most of this time, but I did spend several months in his city for work every year and there were frequent trips back and forth. We talked non stop every day by phone, email and text.

 

He broke up with me about three months into the relationship. He said that he just wasn't ready for a serious girlfriend after such a long marriage. A month later, I was in town and we reconnected. For the next year and a half, everything seemed perfect. I know you've all heard it before, but it was as if it was meant to be. What I'd been waiting for my whole life...my best friend and partner. My fairy tale.

 

And then, after returning home after a wonderful weekend vacation together, he phoned out of the blue and was almost frantic. He said he simply wasn't ready for a serious commitment and that he couldn't deal with the responsibility of a future together. It would have meant me giving up my job and home to move to his state. I would have been dependent on him at least for a while. We had never talked about the future or a future together so I was disappointed that he had come to this decision without discussing it with me first. I was completely blindsided which unfortunately I have learned is not uncommon. We did talk about it a few times. He said he just wasn't ready for it. He wanted to explore his single life for the first time in 20 years.

 

I was crushed. And then.....four months later he called. I couldn't believe it. My fantasy had come true. He said he had been doing a lot of thinking. He didn't want to call until he was sure, but now he was. He missed me and loved me and wanted to commit to a future together. He asked me to give up my job and life and move in with him. I didn't jump back in blindly, I really didn't. We talked about it for hours and we were so sure. And we were going to do it right. I agreed to live with him for a few months when I was in town for work. We would see how it went.

 

I met his kids, family and friends. I loved living with him. Yes, it was hard, but we knew it would be. But he was different somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it. I can now of course. After a few weeks, he kind of checked out. He no longer talked about the future. He wasn't as attentive or kind. It was just going through the motions. Even the sex became impersonal. I thought it was just the result of us living together for the first time. We still spent every day together (we both work mainly from home) but it was different somehow. A few times I asked him to talk about it but he said we would at the end of the trial period.

 

And then it came to an end. It was time for me to go back home. I knew something wasn't right, but I just kept holding on to our plans, that it was going to work. And then when I got back home, he phoned to say that he knew what was wrong with our relationship. It wasn't his fear of commitment, it wasn't the distance.....it was the passion. After we were together for a while, the passion faded. And this was the reason why he couldn't fully commit to me over the last three years. He thought it was his problems with commitment from his failed marriage, but no...it was passion. He had confused love, friendship, companionship and passion. We had great love and friendship, but the passion was missing.

 

What could be more hurtful? Humiliating? I'm devastated. And I'm mad at myself. I've read books and websites and LS and it sounds like classic commitmentphobia to me. But so what? It doesn't make any difference. I've wasted all this time trying to figure out why he did what he did, to explain away his awful reason and it still doesn't matter. He has his reason and it explains away the last three years. It's crushing.

 

I'm mad at him. I'm mad at me for not facing up to what was clearly happening when we were having our trial live together period. How could I have been so naive? But most of all I'm mad at myself for not being just so incredibly angry that I never want to see or speak to him again. Because to be honest, I'm sitting here hoping that it will all happen again, just like the other times. Hoping that he is a commitment phobic person who has backed away but in time will come back to me. That I'll have another chance. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself. It took me 45 years to find someone I wanted to commit to and I want him back.

 

I know that holding out for another comeback is wrong and will only hurt me in the end but at this point its the only thing that is helping me get through this.

[Exitleft]

I'm sorry you're hurting if I may give you a little advice from my own experience, the ones who left more than once seem to just.. always leave again.

 

We give them 2nd and 3rd and even fourth chances at our own expense only for them to leave again. He really does have a problem with commitment and I hope you are able to accept that it is his fault to deal with not anything to do with you.

 

I relate to waiting virtually a life time for that person you want to spend your life with only to have them slip through your fingers or break your heart.

 

Again I am sorry. I do hope you will find the strength to cut this man off, there is no more you can do and no amount of chances will make him come to his senses if he has fears of intimacy.

 

Wishing you the best.

 

I also want to add, this experience should tell you, you need to trust your own instincts about people and circumstances in future, again I did all these things also, so I am really feeling for you.

 

I forgot to mention, consider reading some material about personal boundaries. I've read some things which I have found useful in maintaining NC with my ex. If they leave they have to wear the consequences of their actions quite simply. Basically, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice

Edited September 28, 2013 by Exitleft
adding

[BrightHope]

Thank you so much for the reply, ExitLeft. It is thoughtful and helpful.

I'm sorry that you have had this same experience. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

I'll be doing okay and then all of a sudden it will hit me....the guy I loved did come back. Did tell me he loved me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. And then six weeks later, said the passion between us always faded. It's like a cruel joke! It feels surreal somehow.

 

I will definitely look into books on personal boundaries. Again, I appreciate the time you took to write.

[Exitleft]

You're welcome, dear. No it's not fair. These people are emotionally unavailable and it's painful dealing with someone that comes and goes and leaves again.

 

There are lots of free resources and sites. I suggest Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue as a starting point. Please do the right thing by yourself this time. People who live for the thrill of fireworks just have no clue what love and relationships really take.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[BC1980]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you will know better next time. I think you made vital errors in taking him back the first 2 times. You showed him that you would be ready to take him back at the drop of a hat twice. That's a rookie error but one we all make. I have made it myself. It really gives him a lot of your power and decreases your worth in his eyes. He also has no impetus whatsoever to commit to you because he feels no pressure that you might leave.

 

Your biggest mistake of all was moving in with him when you took him back. When someone breaks up with you and wants you back, you never take them back right away, and you never make it easy. The are on notice indefinitely. You guard your heart and make the dumper do all the work. Oftentimes, getting a second chance isn't difficult. It's staying together that proves to be the challenge. The dumpee is overjoyed that the dumper wants them back and rushes head first into a relationship.

 

I would not recommend dealing with this man at all ever again. He is clearly confused. Confusion on this level has no place in your life because you deserve better. I have just gotten out of a 3 year relationship with someone who would commit, then pull back, commit, pull back. The cycle went on for 3 years. While we only broke up the once and final time (I too was dumped), I do get where you are coming from. I now understand the mistakes I made. I made the rookie errors too because I had never dealt with a commitment phobe.

 

Again, I am sorry that you have spent 3 years of your life with this man because I understand the devastation over such a time investment. Go NC immediately. He has burnt his bridges. Mourn the relationship, and realize that he is not the one for you. You deserve so much better. Don't you think you deserve someone who is head over heels for you and wants to commit? That is what I have realized. I really wish my ex had been that person. He was a good guy, a good person, we had a lot of fun together, and we really loved one another. But I can't help that he is not going to commit to me. I can't wish it into existence. That is the hardest lesson I have had to learn, and I'm still learning it everyday.

[BC1980]

Thank you so much for the reply, ExitLeft. It is thoughtful and helpful.

I'm sorry that you have had this same experience. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

I'll be doing okay and then all of a sudden it will hit me....the guy I loved did come back. Did tell me he loved me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. And then six weeks later, said the passion between us always faded. It's like a cruel joke! It feels surreal somehow.

 

I will definitely look into books on personal boundaries. Again, I appreciate the time you took to write.

 

You should also look on Mimi Tanner's website. Just google her name. Her advice on relationships is really sound.

[BrightHope]

BC1980 Thank you!

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you too. Why is it easier to give advice than to listen to it ourselves?

 

You are right - I was naive and had blinders on when he came back asking me to move in with him. Like your ex, mine is a good guy with good intentions. Maybe that's what makes it even harder?

 

When did you break up? When did you start believing everything you should know deep down.....that you deserve better and he just wasn't the right one for you?

[BrightHope]

I love the Baggage Reclaim site! Oh how I wish I were as strong as she is. Hopefully someday soon

[loversquarrel]

To give you a different perspective, I was a commitment phobe, fresh out of a 14 year (19 if you count the 5 yrs of dating) marriage. It is said that it takes a good 5 years on average to recover from a divorce, I know it took me at least that long.

 

My current fiance' has been with me off and on for 6 years. She endured many ups and downs similar to what you speak of. I had also at one time questioned our passion, but when I look back on it I think I didn't know how to be in an honest, trusting adult relationship. I was scared to death of everyday life, as it brought back so many deeply ingrained bad memories. I also had a great deal of fear of being hurt again. There is so much that goes on emotionally we sometimes don't know how to recognize what is wrong. This of course compounds the issue and creates much difficulty in trying to move forward. (My fiance' gave me an ultimatum and i'm glad I chose her over my fears).

 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry you had to deal with such heartache.

[HoneyBunny2003]

BrightHope: So sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to lend my support and let you know I totally understand how you feel. It's kind of long, but maybe my story will help you feel a bit better or at least let you know that you are not alone.

 

I have no kids and was briefly married once twenty years ago and haven't been since. I met who I thought was the man of my dreams two years ago when I was 46. I ignored all the red-flags because I was so happy to have finally found "The One" after so many years of dating Mr. Wrongs.

 

When we met it was like a whirlwind and we were quickly planning a future and marriage together. He was going through his (second) divorce and I was too blinded by "love" to see the rebound nature of our relationship. His divorce was final about four months after we started dating. Shortly after that things started going downhill between us and I couldn't put my finger on it. Until at about eight months into the relationship he pulled the "I need space" move and finally admitted that he was confused and still had feelings for his ex-wife and had thoughts about reconciling with her. We broke up but still maintained a distant "friendship" of sorts.

 

Well four months later after I suffered a personal tragedy he called and we started talking again. I needed a shoulder to lean on and broke all the rules falling headfirst into a relationship with him again without ever really dealing with the issues that caused us to break up before. What happened next was almost a repeat of the first time. About six months in he started acting all distant and strange right after we attended a marriage seminar and bridal show one weekend. When I finally confronted him he said that with everything going on in his life the idea of marriage was too much at the time and that he didn't want to go through a third divorce.

 

Initially I said that I understood how it could be a bit much and agreed to relax our relationship a bit and our plans for the future. However, after a series of lies and shady behavior it seems that he had been "talking to" other women and was now confused and uncertain about our relationship. He wanted to stay together but needless to say I was hurt and furious and broke up with him in a really ugly scene.

 

About a month later when I had calmed down a little bit we had a chance to talk and he said he's realized that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship right now after so many failed ones. i.e. At 50+ he wants to date around, play the field, be single for a while and explore his other "options" as he obviously had started to do while we were still together. Looking back I realize that he is clearly a committment-phobe as he has had similar problems in all his past relationships. I wish I knew then what I know now.

 

This all happened in the past three months so needless to say I was and am still hearbroken. I never dreamed that at 48 I would be in this position. I truly thought that I had found my "Fairytale" also and was embarking on the life that I'd always dreamed of. It is terribly hard but we have to beleive that we can do it. What has helped me the most is going full NC and holding on to the hope that everything happens for a reason and that God truly has someone special out there for all of us no matter what the age or season of life we are in.

 

Stay strong, keep looking forward and feel free to PM me if you wish to chat. There are not too many on these boards at our age in this position so I understand .

Edited September 28, 2013 by HoneyBunny2003

[HoneyBunny2003]

When I look back on it I think I didn't know how to be in an honest, trusting adult relationship. I was scared to death of everyday life, as it brought back so many deeply ingrained bad memories. I also had a great deal of fear of being hurt again. There is so much that goes on emotionally we sometimes don't know how to recognize what is wrong. This of course compounds the issue and creates much difficulty in trying to move forward.

 

loversquarrell: Thank you so much for posting this. It really helps to explain a lot about what my ex was or is still going through. Seeing it from your point of view is an eye-opener. My biggest problem with him is not his fear of committment but his dishonesty. I wish he had explained everything that was going on with him as honestly as you did. Maybe he just isn't there yet, but it would have me helped a lot to understand.

[BC1980]

BC1980 Thank you!

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you too. Why is it easier to give advice than to listen to it ourselves?

 

You are right - I was naive and had blinders on when he came back asking me to move in with him. Like your ex, mine is a good guy with good intentions. Maybe that's what makes it even harder?

 

When did you break up? When did you start believing everything you should know deep down.....that you deserve better and he just wasn't the right one for you?

 

We broke up in April, and I really started to believe I deserved better about 3 months later. I went NC after 4 months of constant breadcrumbs. He was back saying he was confused and all this vague crap about now knowing what the future held for us. I requested NC after I was just fed up with it. I had to have an emotional break. The entire thing was simply ridiculous, as he was upset I wanted NC. He was a cake-eater on top of all of this.

 

It's not that I necessarily think we aren't a good match, but a lot has happened. I have changed since the breakup. At first, I would have taken him back easily. Now, I have come to a place where that would not happen thank goodness. NC helps with that type of thing. He's not the most emotionally evolved person, and I realized that from the beginning. I feel that he has experienced so much pain in his life, he became very good at shutting off his emotions. It doesn't matter though because he is an adult, and he has the option to change. He just doesn't want too I guess, but I won't be babysitting his emotions anymore.

 

You just get to a point where you are fed up with the BS and realize you deserve so much better. You get angry with yourself for allowing someone to control your emotions. I don't get mad at him as much as myself for ignoring the red flags. I promise you that NC helps so much. Also, find some sort of goal or hobby you can focus on. You can't run away from your emotions, but you can shift them onto something else.

[BC1980]

To give you a different perspective, I was a commitment phobe, fresh out of a 14 year (19 if you count the 5 yrs of dating) marriage. It is said that it takes a good 5 years on average to recover from a divorce, I know it took me at least that long.

 

My current fiance' has been with me off and on for 6 years. She endured many ups and downs similar to what you speak of. I had also at one time questioned our passion, but when I look back on it I think I didn't know how to be in an honest, trusting adult relationship. I was scared to death of everyday life, as it brought back so many deeply ingrained bad memories. I also had a great deal of fear of being hurt again. There is so much that goes on emotionally we sometimes don't know how to recognize what is wrong. This of course compounds the issue and creates much difficulty in trying to move forward. (My fiance' gave me an ultimatum and i'm glad I chose her over my fears).

 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry you had to deal with such heartache.

 

Thank you for this perspective. My ex was in a similar situation, so it helps to know I'm not crazy for thinking what happened to him still has some effect.

[BrightHope]

To give you a different perspective, I was a commitment phobe, fresh out of a 14 year (19 if you count the 5 yrs of dating) marriage. It is said that it takes a good 5 years on average to recover from a divorce, I know it took me at least that long.

 

My current fiance' has been with me off and on for 6 years. She endured many ups and downs similar to what you speak of. I had also at one time questioned our passion, but when I look back on it I think I didn't know how to be in an honest, trusting adult relationship. I was scared to death of everyday life, as it brought back so many deeply ingrained bad memories. I also had a great deal of fear of being hurt again. There is so much that goes on emotionally we sometimes don't know how to recognize what is wrong. This of course compounds the issue and creates much difficulty in trying to move forward. (My fiance' gave me an ultimatum and i'm glad I chose her over my fears).

 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry you had to deal with such heartache.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience so honestly and openly. What you wrote is very similar to what my ex explained to me. He told me many times that he was scared to death of failing or being hurt again. That after his divorce, some days he just didn't know what to do with himself. He was single for 3 years after his divorce. He dated a few women, but never had a relationship until he met me.

 

And passion! I think the passion part is what's killing me right now. He said he thought of me every day for four months before he knew he was ready and wanted to reach out to me. Isn't that passion? It might be passion after all, but reading that you had these same feelings makes me feel better. Its still over....but I'm feeling less crushed.

 

I'm happy that your ex stuck with you. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Thank you for sharing your side of the story.

[BrightHope]

BC1980

 

Good for you! You do deserve better. We all do, don't we? Going NC must have been so hard. You should be very proud of yourself! And I had to laugh....my ex used the same line - I dont know what the future will bring. Really???

[BrightHope]

I'm sorry your fairytale didn't work out either, HoneyBunny2003. It's good to hear from someone in a similar situation, although Im sorry anyone is going through this. I too have read all the commitment books and sometimes they leave me feeling very positive....like it's not my fault, it's his problem, etc. Other times, it just all seems so sad. Like the answer is so clear, the problem so obvious....why cant it just be worked out? As BC1980 pointed out in a post above, these men are adults who make their own decisions. It's just hard being on the receiving end, isn't it?

Edited September 28, 2013 by BrightHope

[HoneyBunny2003]

Thanks BrightHope. I've been lurking around here for a while but that's the first time I've told my story too and it really does help. How they are really isn't our fault though and I try hard to remember that. I think sometimes they do want to change but it's more difficult especially the older they get. Being on the receiving end of their dysfunction really stinks, but as my Dad used to say: We have to keep on moving!! Thanks for the support.

[BrightHope]

And as my Dad used to tell me....Whoever told you life was supposed to be fair? LOL

These comments have cheered me up today. I won't forget it.

[Exitleft]

I love the Baggage Reclaim site! Oh how I wish I were as strong as she is. Hopefully someday soon

 

she was once where we all are, so I'm sure you have it in you also. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today.

[BrightHope]

I'm going crazy. Having a bad day I guess.

 

It's just so unbelievable to think that someone could go from thinking about me for 4 months, asking me to move in with them and being so sure about a future with him and his kids to saying there is no passion just a few weeks later. We talked about everything, we really did. Until I moved in and it almost immediately stopped, of course...its like he knows what he wants but just cant quite do it. Or maybe he just wants to see what else is out there after being married so long. I don't know but im having such a hard time facing the passion thing. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

This guy isnt a kid...he is almost 50! After three years together, out of the blue he says its passion??? Its so hurtful and mean.

 

Im sorry...I know the answer. Guess I just need to hear it.