TheBigQuestion Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 TheBigQuestion, you are very lucky to have had close male friends like that. I'm grateful for it, I'm just not sure that my experience was as exceedingly rare as some posters here are making it out to be.
Babolat Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 My top 5: 1 - Compatability 2 - Similar values/morals 3 - Independent/Confident 4 - Looks - I have to be attracted to her, don't care really if others are 5 - Humor/Funny/Laughs a lot These can be interchanged and are not in priority order. A lot can fall under #1 for me. Basically, we have to share some things in common; not everything of course! I also like someone who is a learner, always growing, always looking to learn new things, she needs to be curious! And I am sure I will get slammed for stating this, but the sex has to be incredible and we have to be sexually compatible, emotional and physical. I spent 9 years in a boring sexual relationship; I will never do that again.
serial muse Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I'm grateful for it, I'm just not sure that my experience was as exceedingly rare as some posters here are making it out to be. For what it's worth, my H also has close male friends and they do talk about personal stuff as well as more typical guy stuff.
hppr Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) I think this forum attracts certain types of men, so it doesn't give a terribly accurate representation of what men want... Maybe I'm wrong though....Although it pains me Looks seems to be #1 is on most guys list...and we wonder why women are so vain? Take it from a guy who went from out-of-shape-fuggo guy to in-shape-well-dressed/groomed-guy, women care about looks just as much as men do. Probably more in fact. I used to be a really sweet, kind young man who did charity work with animals and homeless etc (I didn't do it expecting anything either just thought it was the right thing to do)...but I was fuggo...now I'm well dressed, good smelling, in shape, and act like a selfish prick. I don't help people out, don't donate time or money to charities, rarely go to church, and guess what? Now women I meet say I'm a GOOD GUY. And really all I do is be selfish and throw my weight around more, just I do it while looking good. Not saying I'm impolite or an A-hole...just that I'm not nearly as good of a person as I used to be... Edited June 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author MrNate 2.0 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Our brains process interactions and emotions in such a way that we, in general, need some of what posters here often call 'cave time' to work it out, especially where strong emotions are involved. This is different than pursuing our own interests or spending time with friends, which is normal for most people. Amen to that man cave!
KungFuJoe Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I can't speak for ALL men, but I know that, for me, it was all about finding the right person. With every other girl I'd been with, I always wanted "me" time with my friends, playing ball, video games...whatever. I didn't want to see my gf every single day, even with the one I lived with. With my current wife, we've been attached at the hip since we started dating and are literally together 24/7 (both work from home) and we wouldn't want it any other way. 2
Author MrNate 2.0 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Why do some guys go days without contacting the woman they are dating, even if they seem to be really into her? I assume there are different reasons, but I wonder if it is more likely that they need/want space, try not to come off as too interested or simply don't think about contacting her? (For the record, I initiate about 50% of the conversation, so it's not like they always have to be the first to reach out). Days? If it's days on end... that doesn't sound like someone who is that interested. If I'm excited about a woman, I don't think I'd wait days. That would just make her wonder if the guy even likes her. Or if she's wasting her time. On a related note, is it okay to ask a guy you have been dating for a few months why you have not heard from him for a couple days, or is that always 'clingy' and 'needy'? If not, what is a good way to ask? In this one, I'd say yes it's ok. Communication is pretty important. If he doesn't have time to send one quick update, then there's something wrong. Space is always healthy, but jeez..he should be able to take some time to let his woman know he's ok. You wouldn't come across needy at all to me.
MrCastle Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Why do some guys go days without contacting the woman they are dating, even if they seem to be really into her? [/Quote] He has to. Or rather, I have to. Every single chick I've shown heavy interest in--every. single. one.--always turned into a dead end. The ones that I treated as "eh, I can take them or leave them" always turned into success. I'm a firm believer that this is the way it has to be. The female has to be more emotionally invested in the man. That's just how it is. If the man is more attached or shows that he's too attached, the girl runs off like a deer. I actually hate the days in between when I don't talk to them, but I hold out the belief that if she's truly attracted, she'll contact me first. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you're talking to her everyday you lose the edge. The mystique. Like I said, in an ideal world I'd love to show my full hand and talk to her everyday but in my experience, it simply does not work out. Women need their space just as men do. I assume there are different reasons, but I wonder if it is more likely that they need/want space, try not to come off as too interested or simply don't think about contacting her?[/Quote] Bingo. Once a woman knows you'll eat out of her hand, she'll either use that as a weapon to use you, or she'll just lose interest because the chase part of the attraction is over. She knows she has you hooked and the fun is over. Both sexes like a challenge. (For the record, I initiate about 50% of the conversation, so it's not like they always have to be the first to reach out).[/Quote] This is rare in my experience. Even girls who were super into me, I'd still do the bulk of the initiating. 70/30 would be my guess or maybe 60/40. Certainly not 50/50. I was the one putting myself out there the majority of the time. Which is fine. I believe the man is supposed to lead, and most women agree with that, so I can see why they'd refrain from contacting first. On a related note, is it okay to ask a guy you have been dating for a few months why you have not heard from him for a couple days, or is that always 'clingy' and 'needy'? If not, what is a good way to ask? If you're asking why you haven't heard from him "in a couple of days" as in 2-3 days, yes, that can be seen as clingy. If we're talking a week or something of no response, say something like "hey stranger, what's going on?" And always approach it in a playful way. No need to get all serious about it.
KungFuJoe Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 MrCastle, I'm going to just have to give you the customary "you're just meeting the wrong women" answer for what you said. The question of "who shows more interest" should never even be an issue when it comes to being with Mr or Ms Right. When you find her, you'll see how easy everything is...how things just fall into place...and it will just all make sense. 2
MrCastle Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 MrCastle, I'm going to just have to give you the customary "you're just meeting the wrong women" answer for what you said. The question of "who shows more interest" should never even be an issue when it comes to being with Mr or Ms Right. When you find her, you'll see how easy everything is...how things just fall into place...and it will just all make sense. Yes but time and time again your posts show that your situation is very unique. You are what I would call the exception to the rule. Sure, we all wish to find that soulmate where everything just works and you don't have to play games of any kind or any of that, and certainly it seems as if you've found that person. But as a 25 year old single man in today's dating world, I am focused on results. Focused on what's proven to work. What's going to yield the most success. Ideally, as I said, my dream is to meet a woman who I can totally be myself with and not have to worry about who texted who first, who has to call who, etc etc, but that is not the reality for me as of right now. I play by the dating rules that are proven methods of success. Like I always say--you can improve your dating life, you can't improve your odds of falling in love. To me love happens when it happens. I have been successful and have never been in love. You can't look for love or rig the odds in your favor--but you can when it comes to short term dating.
EasyHeart Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I've got one: WHY do men need "space"? When I like someone a lot I want to be with them all the time!Women restrict a man's freedom. The basic dilemma that men face when deciding whether to be in a relationship with you is how much you restrict his freedom vs. how much he wants sex without having to go look for it. If it gets to the point that he actually has to ask for "space", it means you are really being a pain in the ass. This is usually referred to as "putting up with her crap". The more we like you, the more crap we'll put up with, but every man has his limits. That's why there's an old saying that goes, "Show me a beautiful woman and somewhere there's a man who's sick of her crap". It's absolutely true. Your "crap" is all the boring couples stuff you make us do when we'd rather just chill out and watch football or play some video games. It's also when you get needy or nag us or (and this is a biggie) when you try to "fix" us (eg, telling us what to wear* or making us clean our bathrooms or screaming at us when we wipe our hands clean on the couch or some other stupid girly things). Every single woman thinks she is "low maintenance", but she's not; she's got some crap. Obviously, men all have different levels of tolerance for your crap. Some might have had a really horrible girlfriend before you, so you seem good by comparison. Some men are just more independent that others, and some have already been broken by their mother or sisters or ex-girlfriends and have already had their testicles taken away from them. So a lot depends on what kind of man you want. If you're okay with a gelding, they'll put up with a lot of your crap. But if you want a stallion, you're going to have to learn to give him a long leash (or whatever the proper metaphor would be in horseback riding. I'm not a cowboy, dammit!!!) That's what I think "space" means. (*Hint: If you've been dating a guy more than 3-4 months and he's still making an effort to dress nicely, it means he's looking for a new girlfriend or some sexy side-action. If he loves you and thinks he might want to marry you, he won't wear anything besides jeans and hoodies). 1
sweetjasmine Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Do some of you guys realize that being a slob doesn't make you "low maintenance," either? 4
carhill Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Do some of you guys realize that being a slob doesn't make you "low maintenance," either? Yes, some 'slobs' can be very high maintenance, both in the practical sense, meaning cleaning up after them (or not) as well as dealing with associated 'sloppy' behavioral sets. If interested in discovering the root of such behaviors, time spent with FOO members should provide some clues. It's unlikely a man will change such behaviors, sufficiently validated. It's like any other behavior. If it works, he does it.
Floridita Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 And I am sure I will get slammed for stating this, but the sex has to be incredible and we have to be sexually compatible, emotional and physical. I spent 9 years in a boring sexual relationship; I will never do that again. NEVER. I'm female and this is one of my top priorities. The sex absolutely has to be mind-blowing. It's way, way, WAY more important than most people give it credit for. "It's just sex" is a ridiculous notion.
KungFuJoe Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Yes but time and time again your posts show that your situation is very unique. You are what I would call the exception to the rule. Sure, we all wish to find that soulmate where everything just works and you don't have to play games of any kind or any of that, and certainly it seems as if you've found that person. But as a 25 year old single man in today's dating world, I am focused on results. Focused on what's proven to work. What's going to yield the most success. Ideally, as I said, my dream is to meet a woman who I can totally be myself with and not have to worry about who texted who first, who has to call who, etc etc, but that is not the reality for me as of right now. I play by the dating rules that are proven methods of success. Like I always say--you can improve your dating life, you can't improve your odds of falling in love. To me love happens when it happens. I have been successful and have never been in love. You can't look for love or rig the odds in your favor--but you can when it comes to short term dating. You ever wonder why MOST relationships are NOT successful? Maybe these so called "rules" don't actually work. It's a cliche, but rules were meant to be broken. Look...in the end all you can do is be yourself and be "real". If you act like yourself in front of someone, and she bails, then you know she wasn't meant to be. If you have to act in a certain "way" to keep a woman around, then you're doing it wrong. Yes, I realize I'm an exception...but I don't think it's due to luck. I mean, of course there is a luck factor in actually meeting the right person, but I attribute most of my success to my attitude when it comes to relationships and women. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Yes but time and time again your posts show that your situation is very unique. You are what I would call the exception to the rule. Sure, we all wish to find that soulmate where everything just works and you don't have to play games of any kind or any of that, and certainly it seems as if you've found that person. But as a 25 year old single man in today's dating world, I am focused on results. Focused on what's proven to work. What's going to yield the most success. Ideally, as I said, my dream is to meet a woman who I can totally be myself with and not have to worry about who texted who first, who has to call who, etc etc, but that is not the reality for me as of right now. I play by the dating rules that are proven methods of success. Like I always say--you can improve your dating life, you can't improve your odds of falling in love. To me love happens when it happens. I have been successful and have never been in love. You can't look for love or rig the odds in your favor--but you can when it comes to short term dating. Even with other guys I dated it was really just THAT simple. We liked each other, we spent as much time together as possible. And of course there is the situation with my guy. Have spent almost every night together since we first met. I don't think it is THAT much of a unique situation to find yourself in.
Author MrNate 2.0 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Do some of you guys realize that being a slob doesn't make you "low maintenance," either? That's good.
KungFuJoe Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 There's also a chicken/egg factor that even I sometimes wonder about. Am I in a successful relationship because of my positive attitude...or do I have a positive attitude because I'm in a successful relationship? I like to think it's the former...but I admit that I have had mostly success in dating and have been with my "dream girl" since I was 25 (and her 23)...so perhaps I just never had time to get "jaded". But, if you look around at the other happy people on this site...such as janesays, xxoo, and jacylnrae...we all share a similar attitude: Just be yourself and let the chips falls where they may. So I still think it really comes down to being yourself and being open and honest. 3
xxoo Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 In more than 20 years, my H has never asked for "space". We are in different rooms at the moment, lol, but we are best friends and love to spend our time together. I wonder if the guys who need space in relationships are more introverted? (my guy is hugely extroverted). I'm an introvert, though, and I never need space from him, so....??
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 In more than 20 years, my H has never asked for "space". We are in different rooms at the moment, lol, but we are best friends and love to spend our time together. I wonder if the guys who need space in relationships are more introverted? (my guy is hugely extroverted). I'm an introvert, though, and I never need space from him, so....?? What type of space are we talking? Thats a good questions. I see couples say that, and I have never really understood it. Seriously, we spend all our time together, and even when we aren't we are almost in constant contact. Heck, last night I spent at my parents and I still talked to him on the phone for about an hour! I am more of an extrovert, he is an introvert, and the whole "I need some space" thing never goes beyond him going to the room to calm down after I annoy him.
KungFuJoe Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I don't think it's an extro/introvert thing. I think it comes down being with the right person. I'm somewhat of an extrovert, I guess. I like being around people (especially groups), but I don't just walk up and start talking to complete strangers unless I'm at a party or some social gathering with a bunch of friends. My wife, on the other hand...biggest extrovert I've ever met. Walks into a room full of strangers and is immediately the life of the party...everywhere we go. She talks to someone and within an hour she knows their life story. I always ask her how she does it and she just shrugs.
youngnlove89 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (*Hint: If you've been dating a guy more than 3-4 months and he's still making an effort to dress nicely, it means he's looking for a new girlfriend or some sexy side-action. If he loves you and thinks he might want to marry you, he won't wear anything besides jeans and hoodies). This is not true. In that case, my boyfriend must want to marry me RIGHT NOW. Where did you come up with this? 2
Els Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 In more than 20 years, my H has never asked for "space". We are in different rooms at the moment, lol, but we are best friends and love to spend our time together. I wonder if the guys who need space in relationships are more introverted? (my guy is hugely extroverted). I'm an introvert, though, and I never need space from him, so....?? We are both very much introverted. And, no, I don't think either of us have ever asked for 'space' in that sense. However, I do think we do both need 'space' in a way, as pertains to just doing our own thing sometimes instead of doing things together all of the time. It isn't so much 'space from him/her', as just taking some time to enjoy personal hobbies. 1
somedude81 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 There's also a chicken/egg factor that even I sometimes wonder about. Am I in a successful relationship because of my positive attitude...or do I have a positive attitude because I'm in a successful relationship? I like to think it's the former...but I admit that I have had mostly success in dating and have been with my "dream girl" since I was 25 (and her 23)...so perhaps I just never had time to get "jaded". Most likely the bold. If I met a girl and dated her since I was 25, do you think I'd be as negative as I am now? I believe that me in a relationship since 25 and me single up until now would be completely different people. Frankly, I haven't seen many guys 30+ who were single their whole lives who are happy. 1
Babolat Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 KungFuJoe, love your attitude and I do believe if you just be yourself, be who you are. do what you like, you will attract the right people in your life. I am still discovering who I am in my mid 40s; I know that and I know I may be attracting, and attracted to, the wrong woman. I am getting closer though and I learn a little more about myself in each relationship and I continue to grow. And by the way, your advice with my last gf was greatly appreciated. I learned a lot about myself in that relationship and she taught me a lot of things, by just being who she was, that I now know I want in a woman. 2
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