Ask Men: Your Q&A for the male psyche

[thatone]

I'm not blaming A gender. At all.

I just wonder if it is difficult to navigate a woman's expectations of masculinity but vulnerability.

 

It is difficult until you rationalize a few things, aka when you're younger.

 

Eventually you figure out that a woman's expectations are often silly and contradictory, and you just be yourself and not care as much about those sort of expectations. At some point guilt will get the better of her and she'll come back to reality. Or she won't and you tell your bros about how psychotic she was as you meet up to go meet new women.

Edited June 17, 2013 by thatone

[Els]

This may show where men are different than women. We (well me anyway ) don't really analyze social settings in that way, i.e. trying to interpret her what she is doing or thinking from a social perspective. Men tend to be more concerned with the goal at hand: eating their food. If she is attractive we may look at her features. If a guy is going to try to pick up a woman, it is rare that it will be spontaneous like that. It is more likely he planned to watch for women that are alone and seem approachable. But then I'm more introverted so take that for what it's worth. But overall, our minds are pretty much singularly focused and we interpret social settings in that framework. The main situations where I am more cognizant of social situations is in the work place. Where again, we are all about performing our function. Women seem to be more observant and aware of their surroundings from a social perspective. "Look at her hair, look at that dress" Men do pay some attention, but it isn't generally as salient and we have to remind ourselves to pay attention, i.e. the cliche, didn't you notice my hair? and the guy is clueless lol. For example, I like business attire and may notice if a woman has on a really nice suit or a man has on a really expensive watch or tie. But overall, we are more singularly focused.

 

Interesting. You may have a point, but I'm very, very sure that I get 'the glance-over' much more often when I'm alone than when I'm with the bf or friends. If it were simply a misinterpretation, wouldn't it happen equally often at all times?

[TheBigQuestion]

I'm going to have to disagree with the notion that men as a gender are mostly unable to talk about their feelings and problems with each other (or with their significant others), and I certainly don't live in a part of the world where men are considered particularly emotive. I'm not sure that men talk about their feelings with the same frequency as women do, but I think that the quality of the conversations once they are actually commenced is pretty much the same.

 

This naturally has to do with social context. If guys are sitting around playing video games, watching sports, BBQing, or participating in whatever other manly activity you can imagine, they probably aren't going to start talking about how depressed they've been lately, or about significant roadblocks they're experiencing with their significant others. Perhaps the activities that women participate in when they're hanging out are intrinsically more conducive to talking about feelings. Obviously, I can't say for sure.

 

I've had some of the most profound, enlightening, and often times emotionally stirring conversations with fellow guys. While many of these conversations basically took place in the abstract, many others took a turn for the personal. I can recall countless summer nights sitting on the porch of my fraternity house, shooting the sh** with my fraternity brothers while drinking cheap beers and smoking hooka because the campus was empty and there wasn't much else to do. Of course, many of these conversations involved typical "guy" stuff, but whenever someone described a personal quandary and needed help, someone else always had a pretty clever insight that turned out to be correct or at least helpful. When a guy would get down on himself about getting dumped, we were there with lots of beer (naturally!) but also were willing to listen and give advice. Prior to living there, I remember various aimless walks I took with my roommate around campus, during which he often questioned just what the hell he was doing in college, his angst and anxiety over his future, his fractured relationship with his father, and his complete disbelief over being dumped not long beforehand. Seriously weighty emotional stuff at times. When I broke up with my girlfriend of three years, his first response was non-mocking, non-ironic "Do you want to talk about it?" I've seen dozens of other men cry over the years (and not always because someone died), and I have done the same in front of them. One of my only present regrets is that I've let the hecticness of my life interfere with nurturing the great friendships and acquaintanceships I formed a few years back. Sure, I have a great girlfriend now, but I genuinely miss what I used to have. The handful of times we get together per year are usually among my happiest days.

 

I am not an anomaly among my gender; I lived in one of the most hypermasculine environments perfect for tough-guy posturing that you could imagine (though this certainly happened too).

[therhythm]

1- Looks (Physical attraction is very important for me)

2- Adventurous/ fun!

3 -Honest

4- Loyal

5 - Very high sexual drive and open minded to sex!

 

 

Actually thinking about it... if you just have qualities 1 and 5 I will probably not marry you but definitely I will still wanna date you

Edited June 17, 2013 by therhythm

[Ripnet]

I'm going to have to disagree with the notion that men as a gender are mostly unable to talk about their feelings and problems with each other (or with their significant others), and I certainly don't live in a part of the world where men are considered particularly emotive. I'm not sure that men talk about their feelings with the same frequency as women do, but I think that the quality of the conversations once they are actually commenced is pretty much the same.

 

This naturally has to do with social context. If guys are sitting around playing video games, watching sports, BBQing, or participating in whatever other manly activity you can imagine, they probably aren't going to start talking about how depressed they've been lately, or about significant roadblocks they're experiencing with their significant others. Perhaps the activities that women participate in when they're hanging out are intrinsically more conducive to talking about feelings. Obviously, I can't say for sure.

 

I've had some of the most profound, enlightening, and often times emotionally stirring conversations with fellow guys. While many of these conversations basically took place in the abstract, many others took a turn for the personal. I can recall countless summer nights sitting on the porch of my fraternity house, shooting the sh** with my fraternity brothers while drinking cheap beers and smoking hooka because the campus was empty and there wasn't much else to do. Of course, many of these conversations involved typical "guy" stuff, but whenever someone described a personal quandary and needed help, someone else always had a pretty clever insight that turned out to be correct or at least helpful. When a guy would get down on himself about getting dumped, we were there with lots of beer (naturally!) but also were willing to listen and give advice. Prior to living there, I remember various aimless walks I took with my roommate around campus, during which he often questioned just what the hell he was doing in college, his angst and anxiety over his future, his fractured relationship with his father, and his complete disbelief over being dumped not long beforehand. Seriously weighty emotional stuff at times. When I broke up with my girlfriend of three years, his first response was non-mocking, non-ironic "Do you want to talk about it?" I've seen dozens of other men cry over the years (and not always because someone died), and I have done the same in front of them. One of my only present regrets is that I've let the hecticness of my life interfere with nurturing the great friendships and acquaintanceships I formed a few years back. Sure, I have a great girlfriend now, but I genuinely miss what I used to have. The handful of times we get together per year are usually among my happiest days.

 

I am not an anomaly among my gender; I lived in one of the most hypermasculine environments perfect for tough-guy posturing that you could imagine (though this certainly happened too).

 

 

While i have seen a few men talk about their feelings most do not want to do that. My best friend shows his feeling when his wife was sick and could eventually die.

 

Most men when I try to talk about feelings or anything that is problem related in relationships etc they would feel uncomfortable or just run like hell. I think majority of men don't talk about feelings.

[Eternal Sunshine]

TheBigQuestion, you are very lucky to have had close male friends like that.

[Gottabestrong]

Why do some guys go days without contacting the woman they are dating, even if they seem to be really into her?

 

I assume there are different reasons, but I wonder if it is more likely that they need/want space, try not to come off as too interested or simply don't think about contacting her? (For the record, I initiate about 50% of the conversation, so it's not like they always have to be the first to reach out).

 

On a related note, is it okay to ask a guy you have been dating for a few months why you have not heard from him for a couple days, or is that always 'clingy' and 'needy'? If not, what is a good way to ask?

[todreaminblue]

I often enjoy coffee or lunch alone and I wonder what people in general are thinking. I don't see that many people sitting out alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet and prefer it to making conversation with someone. For me, I have actually told a friend that I am busy to meet her just so that I can enjoy lunch alone

 

I like watching people interact.......when i am out....love seeing families playing ball in the park or walking down the waterfront.....its nice to watch.....and i smile and they always smile back....so i dont think they think i am creepy...i hopw they donbt...their smiles seem warm...now i am paranoid..i often will strike up a conversation...if i am with someone.....i wouldnt as much....i also enjoy alone time eternal...its peaceful...deb

[Dusk1983]

Sorry, don't get the point of this thread. You've just got a hundred differing perspectives.

 

Would have been easier to just say "different people like different stuff".

 

Generalizing is fun, but doesn't really work.

[ltjg45]

What are you really thinking about when you're looking over at the girl who's having lunch out alone?

 

A) What an anti-social weirdo

B) Damn, her dish looks delicious

C) Hey, the chair opposite her is empty, I could talk to her

D) Sexsexsexsexsexsexse

E) Paranoid women, always thinking we're looking at them when we aren't

 

Certainly not D at first esp. if she's attractive (which I guess she is if I'm looking at her) but I know I'm not in the majority for most males.

 

Horny brats.

 

Unless I know what she is eating, B is out of the question. Considering that I'm anti-social, I can't see me judging her worse than I am. She is most likely more successful than I am so A is out of the question.

 

And I have no idea why I would come to the E conclusion even though I'm sure some women actually thinks that way. I can definitely play dumb sometimes saying I wasn't looking when I was.

 

C is the most likely answer for me.

[MrNate 2.0]

What are you really thinking about when you're looking over at the girl who's having lunch out alone?

 

A) What an anti-social weirdo

B) Damn, her dish looks delicious

C) Hey, the chair opposite her is empty, I could talk to her

D) Sexsexsexsexsexsexse

E) Paranoid women, always thinking we're looking at them when we aren't

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, seems like that's the way it is. I guess people just do or talk about different things with friends of different sexes in general, hence the benefit of having friends of both sexes.

 

...That also explains why my male friends seem to love talking to me about relationships and women and problems when all I really want to do is to game with them.

 

 

Ha its most likely mainly the thought of " Ill just let her be and enjoy her lunch." With also maybe a bit of e and c depending on if the woman suits his fancy.

 

Nothing too crazy, ha.

[xxoo]

At this point, there is so much nudity on TV and in movies that I'm completely immune. Most of the time, I just find it embarrassing.

 

But movie stars are obviously attractive and I get my fair share of celebrity crushes. It has nothing to do with them being naked, though. I fully clothed woman being adorable is way more attractive than a boring naked one. My GF and I talk about which celebrities we like all the time. (And I have permission from my girlfriend to do anything I want with Zooey Deschanel, should I ever get the opportunity).

 

This helps. Not so different from how I feel as a woman, in fact.

 

I'm usually unfazed by nudity, but in a week when I'm getting a mammogram because I'm over 40, and I'm anxious, I got completely irrationally (yes, I admit!) upset when watching tv with my H and there was 5 minutes of gratuitous nudity of a 20 year old with perfect breasts....sigh....

 

But I think he's like you, and, if anything,was probably more attracted to another fully dressed actress than the 2-dimensional character cast for the nude role.

 

Anyway, thanks, because you saved my H from these annoying questions this week

[MrNate 2.0]

Ill also get bavk to more...multitasking a bit, heh.

[sillyanswer]

List the top five traits that men look for in women.

 

In no particular order, apart from the first one.

 

• Looks
  
• Intelligence
  
• Confidence
  
• Independence
  
• Sex drive
  

[candie13]

a few questions here:

 

- why do men lie while in a relationship?

 

- what's your definition of "high standards" in a woman - or "too much work"?

 

- assuming you're trying to take a girl for a ride/ not very serious and she's not taking your shyte, will you respect her more and level up, or simply move on to a new girl?

[EasyHeart]

I often enjoy coffee or lunch alone and I wonder what people in general are thinking. I don't see that many people sitting out alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet and prefer it to making conversation with someone. For me, I have actually told a friend that I am busy to meet her just so that I can enjoy lunch alone

Me too!!!

 

 

What are you really thinking about when you're looking over at the girl who's having lunch out alone?

 

A) What an anti-social weirdo

B) Damn, her dish looks delicious

C) Hey, the chair opposite her is empty, I could talk to her

D) Sexsexsexsexsexsexse

E) Paranoid women, always thinking we're looking at them when we aren't

 

If she's cute (and I'm available) it will be C and D. If I'm really hungry, it might be B. A and E have never once crossed my mind and never would. Do women think like that? Because it would explain a lot!

 

My #1 bit of advice to women who have trouble meeting men is to go places by yourself and quit traveling in herds.

[Els]

Do women think like that? Because it would explain a lot!

 

I've never thought A) about someone else before (although I am happy to identify as weird ), but I've definitely heard a few others express it. E) is just the standard LS disclaimer.

[ltjg45]

a few questions here:

 

- why do men lie while in a relationship?

 

Many different reasons.

 

I can't think of a good reason though.

 

- what's your definition of "high standards" in a woman - or "too much work"?

 

I don't think I have high standards when I look for women however I doubt I will find one that I like so much within my income bracket.

 

Of course, I would list 4-5 things and leave the rest up to chance. Any more than that is "too much work".

 

I definitely don't put as much thought in what I want from a women than most women do when it comes to men. Just not my cut of tea.

 

- assuming you're trying to take a girl for a ride/ not very serious and she's not taking your shyte, will you respect her more and level up, or simply move on to a new girl?

 

That one's easy.

 

Move on. It's clearly not working.

[sillyanswer]

What are good tips from guys about the profile? Not the pictures, just the written profile?

 

Do most guys really read them?

 

I read them, because I'd like to find someone who shares some interests and values (as well as being beautiful, of course). So, I read them after looking at the photos and only if I like the photos.

 

Tips...

 

• don't have a huge list of negative points like "don't contact me if..." especially if that negative list is longer than the rest of your profile.
  
• do list some specific activities / hobbies / interests. "sports" isn't specific. "going out" isn't specific. The details might allow someone to spot a match better (or rule you out, which is also good) and allow someone to ask you about your specific hobby.
  
• do NOT include that Marilyn Monroe quote under any circumstances, unless your "best" really is as good as hers was and your "worst" includes drug addiction. Really. I mean it.
  
• If you really like "staying in and going out" just be quiet about it.
  

[ltjg45]

My #1 bit of advice to women who have trouble meeting men is to go places by yourself and quit traveling in herds.

 

This right here.

 

Regardless of how attracted I am to a women, I do not approach if you have other people around you.

 

Too much work, not enough possible gain to risk.

[sillyanswer]

I burp. How many points does this knock me down??

 

Can you say your name in a single burp?

[Els]

I think this forum attracts certain types of men, so it doesn't give a terribly accurate representation of what men want... Maybe I'm wrong though....Although it pains me Looks seems to be #1 is on most guys list...and we wonder why women are so vain?

 

Come now, even if this were true, would you really want 'most' guys?

 

I often enjoy coffee or lunch alone and I wonder what people in general are thinking. I don't see that many people sitting out alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet and prefer it to making conversation with someone. For me, I have actually told a friend that I am busy to meet her just so that I can enjoy lunch alone

 

Oops, sorry I missed this response. Yes, I feel the exact same way. I enjoy dinners with friends, but I like to have one meal of the day alone. Mostly because I just like to 1) Eat whatever I want without catering to the others , and 2) Ruminate and not talk. Fortunately I can do both of these with the bf sometimes, so I never do mind eating with him (poor guy ), but it's different with friends.

[sillyanswer]

Yeesh, you other guys are pathetic.

 

The correct answer is:

 

1. Boobies

2. Boobies

3. Boobies

4. Butt

5. Boobies

 

No legs?

[sillyanswer]

1. If a guy says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, does that always mean that he really just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? (Example: he says that, then a few months later will be in a relationship with someone else)

 

Since you said "always" then the answer is "no". But it definitely sometimes means that.

 

2. Do men say they don't want to be in a relationship but then change their minds? Or is it silly and pathetic for a woman to hope for this...

 

Yes but rare. Don't expect that you're the special one who will change his mind, especially since he might mean it in the "not with you" sense.

[sillyanswer]

Do you secretly dislike your date/gf's cat and only pretend to be nice to it?

 

It depends. Is the cat ever mentioned as an excuse for not doing something that I wanted to do?