I am trying my best!

[turnera]

I try to talk to them as little as possible, but they usually get very upset when I don't call or return their calls right away.

I'll ask again....SO WHAT?!

 

You're a grown-ass woman who has NO OBLIGATION to maintain a relationship with abusive controlling people who make her cry.

 

How long will it take you to realize you owe them nothing now? I know it's hard when parents manipulate and guilt, but for your sake, your husband's sake, and your family's sake, you NEED TO LEARN THIS.

 

I cut my dad out of my life after he and his wife did some bad stuff. Guess what? Lightning didn't rain down on me. I lived a better life. I saw him right before he died and he tried to apologize. But it was ALL ON HIM that he lost out on me and my family. Not me. HE chose to hurt me after I asked him not to, just like you have asked YOUR parents to stop. So I saved myself.

 

Save yourself. TEACH them how to treat you.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry to read this Nyla.

 

I would make some serious space between yourself and them. They aren't supportive or have your best interests at heart.

 

I also wouldn't worry too much about how they will react to your actions. Those days are long gone. You don't have to worry about what provoking them will mean for you.

 

Please learn how to unlearn your thought process where they are concerned. They taught you something but it does not mean that they taught you correctly.

 

In fact I think you know they didn't.

 

Stay strong!

[Emilia]

Please learn how to unlearn your thought process where they are concerned. They taught you something but it does not mean that they taught you correctly.

 

In fact I think you know they didn't.

I just want to repost this for importance Nyla

[Nyla]

I'll ask again....SO WHAT?!

 

You're a grown-ass woman who has NO OBLIGATION to maintain a relationship with abusive controlling people who make her cry.

 

How long will it take you to realize you owe them nothing now? I know it's hard when parents manipulate and guilt, but for your sake, your husband's sake, and your family's sake, you NEED TO LEARN THIS.

 

I cut my dad out of my life after he and his wife did some bad stuff. Guess what? Lightning didn't rain down on me. I lived a better life. I saw him right before he died and he tried to apologize. But it was ALL ON HIM that he lost out on me and my family. Not me. HE chose to hurt me after I asked him not to, just like you have asked YOUR parents to stop. So I saved myself.

 

Save yourself. TEACH them how to treat you.

 

If I do not maintain a relationship with my parents, I will lose access to my nieces and two of my brothers whom I love dearly. Believe me, I have tried to cut off my parents and distance myself from them, only to be shunned and lectured by the family members I do love. It isn't as simple as you think.

 

I have done well with teaching my mother how to treat me. Now she holds her tongue much more often and she has actually apologized for some of what she has done. My mother also compliments me far more often than she ever did while I was growing up. I think that my elopement was a huge wake-up call for my mother. She has expressed sadness that "things aren't different" between she and I. My mother has also invited me to several events and trips, all of which I politely decline. I can be affectionate and respectful to my mother. I even feel pity for the poor old woman. What I cannot do is be her best friend. I don't feel emotionally safe enough to do that.

 

So when they get angry that I do not return their calls, I just tell them that I am busy.

[Els]

Nyla, I get what you are saying, and having an idea of the culture you are from, I think I can see why you don't desire to cut off contact completely. I understand, and I don't blame you.

 

However, I do think you can still enforce consequences on your parents if they specifically say things to you that are hurtful. Sort of like a time-out, in reverse parentage. Not just randomly not returning their calls, but shutting down and ending THAT particular call whenever they do it. Never engaging, always putting a stop to it. Accept all other calls, but as soon as they display poor behaviour, shut it down. That way, you might condition them to not do that.

[turnera]

*shrug*

 

Then you'll continue to get the life you don't want. Do your parents also control the parents of your nieces and nephews?

[Nyla]

Wow, this gave me tingles.

 

Ok, let me speak practically.. for it is obvious that you want things to be better. You have not given up. Direction is so key.

 

From my own experience and observations, child abuse seems to create a new energy in the child; the body doesn't seem to forget trauma. Basically I think that a false end point is created because of the abuse. This is partly psychic as the body tries to protect itself. Partly territorial as the body tries to ensure it is not hurt again and partly spiritual in the sense that sometimes awakenings can happen and can gravitate a person towards righteousness/wanting to see justice done. There is a darker side in which the child can repeat the behaviours towards others or come to align certain physical or sexual gratification with pain.. but I don't think the latter is relevant in your case.

 

What I have found is that two things can change the lived adult experience.

 

. Removing the false end line that has been created. This means sticking at those jobs and confronting the people involved. This basically involves finding the words to use at those times or not saying anything much. The problem is the level of anxiety that can be felt before a conflict can make the person think they cannot do it. Much of the time they actally can, hence why therapy is good to show people they can communicate often really really well! Girl you have to achieve those aims you have. I have felt more confident with gaining the qualifications firstly so that I am grounded in what I know. I have no time for silly work place crap either. Take it as far as you need to... go to medical school if necessary. Med school is great!

 

. Refocusing the anger.Within the anger there will be apt observations which are actually pretty astute. I have mused on whether the anger really is a trace memory or the actual energy that was created by the abuse but I am not sure about this. The challenge is to use this constructively as anger does have a place. Once it is used appropriately it is rare that it should flare up beyond what can be managed. For me this process could only be actuated once I let the story die. You have a new story now which is greater than the last one but it is all still an extention of you and your love. I think you are actually further on than you think within the healing process. The problem is that your parents are unchanged.

 

The child experience really is based on having their needs met enough to be able to feel safe in the world. Your dad is able to fulfil some of these needs at least but he is still in the middle of the conflict between you and your mother and as such his nurturing response is limited. It is not too late for them to learn a new way but they will have to want it. Much depends on how invested in thinking that your not getting over things is a weakness on your part.

 

IMO, family therapy, especially using non violent resistance therapy would be the best route. Don't know how capable your therapist is.. but this does work. Essentially, it is a way for everyone to agree to curb specifically their anger response in whatever form it may manifest itself. This then releases all parties into the realm of learning to nurture each other. Otherwise you will always be in the position of being the crazy, over sensitive one in their presence. This is beyond damaging and will be a hinderance to your accepting the apology that your mother has given.

 

If they refuse to participate there is another route best done really with the above but hey, for some this is the only route available. This was my only choice. You can let it all die - but this is mostly a spiritually based experience. In this realm I would advise a retreat where the aim will be to create your own authentic end point that you can live by. I did things like writing down my experiences, burning and burying them. All covered by prayer, well, just talking to God. I have not had an easy path towards faith because I too was seriously angry. I was even subject to rages at one point in which I could be violent towards others.

 

.. In finding a way to let the story die, triggers can still occur but I think it is a matter of the frequency being less so than previously. The primary freedom is the freedom in ones awareness.

 

Regarding not having children. I hope you come to a place where it is your decision and not something you feel is sealed because you think you will be an unresponsive mum. Abused persons do not tend to abuse their children. Rather they run a higher risk of being re-traumatised by some aspects within parenthood, like within the teen years. Some find that too much but if taught key skills they often find they can actually manage really well! No, abused kids tend to grow up to be great parents and seriously good workers in the caring industry! I think you need to let that end point die. Enjoy being a fabulous aunt but really if children will come to you freely that is a sign that you are built for parenting. It will be negative emotional responses telling you differently but it is ok to simply not want to be a mum. Just know that by letting the story die, red herrings also die. It cracks me up when I look at my youngest sister. She used to be so anti motherhood. She has a daughter now who is beyond cute! and is thinking about having another one. She had a fear of pregnancy more than anything else and doubted she would have a connection.

 

I think much of my healing came once I accepted that there wasn't much I could do about my past and I too could create a legacy worth something. Also I have noted that the most humble starts can create the most incredible life stories. I think we are often born to the wrong people, lol and family is not always based on blood! I don't compare myself anymore. Of course comparisons do exist with others but I always say to my children that comparisons can only make us bitter or vain. We have to find ways to live authentically, otherwise we can mimick the faults of those who we don't want to be like.

 

The weight issue. I thought of you last night during an advert for slimming aids (I think they were tablets) Have a chat to your pharmacist about them, (sorry not sure how they are classified). Where I live they cost about £40 per treatment and apparently help the weight loss process x3. Something to do with the digestion process? I am not sure precisely but I have been told that they work. The pharmacist will be able to guide you regarding whether this is compatible with your meds. Pharmacists are really useful! This could help in line with exercising and being careful with your diet.

 

As for the friendship thing, I am worse than you! I don't really let people into my home, lol. You should have seen me when my girls were little! I trusted no one. I can be sociable and all that but I am a loner. I have simply reasoned that I could have been as such anyway, what with being an aquarian and not liking people too much anyway. I don't think it is a bad thing to be cautious but be careful of labels whether it is people labeling you or you them. People usually have interesting stories and often not being able to tell the story lies at the root of dysfunction. Do you know your parents stories of how they grew up? I use humour mostly to cut past awkward moments mostly... but I am used to working with highly dysfunctional people so don't see a bit off rudeness as a problem. It is when it is targeted and premeditated that I take issue and will destroy that ****.

 

I am thankful too to God for my H. He gets me totally. He even can manage me when I am quite unmanageable simply with a smile.

 

Anyhow, I hope one little thing within the above helps. Mostly I am hoping to inspire you to keep opening those doors and keep going. I do have some visualisation and relaxation techniques but I think your therapist is the best person to lead on this.

 

Just know that it is possible to live without this pain. Remove the end points that have been falsely created and live. The best example is always a life well lived.

 

*Mega hugs*

 

In my heart and prayers,

Take care,

Eve x

 

The darker side of having experienced abuse manifested itself in self injury, suicide attempts and being violent towards others. I want to make it clear that anyone I have been violent to has been violent to me first, but that doesn't make it right. I received specialized therapy when I was in my early twenties and now I have not cut or tried to end my life in more than five years. I am enjoying being alive too much and there are too many people who love me, such as my husband, my nieces and my best friends.

 

I have found that confronting silly coworkers in the past only worsened the situation. I have also noticed that reporting things causes bad blood and even more bullying. I am hoping that in my new profession, there will be no tolerance for stupid schoolyard nonsense. I was taught that the medical profession is very conservative and doctors are too busy for drama. Anyone who causes trouble just gets fired. I have trained to become a medical secretary.

 

My mother has a very bad temper and I think I subconsciously took on that characteristic. One of the key things I focus on in therapy is anger management, along with relaxation techniques. My therapist says that I have too much adrenaline in my body, so learning to relax is important.

 

My family of origin has refused to attend family therapy, even though it has been recommended by more than one mental health professional. They feel that I am the sick one who needs help, not them. I have given up on trying to talk to my dad. He is too ignorant and irrational to accept that he may be doing something wrong. I find that he is very sweet to me about 95% of the time, but then my father has this mean streak where he agrees with everything my mom says or does.

 

I don't know if this makes me an less independent person, but the love and tenderness I receive from my husband makes life easier. He is always showing his love for me, being affectionate and saying he loves me at least 4-5 times a week.

 

I'm going to try coffee bean extract. It is all natural and it is fine with my medications. Yesterday I did some cleaning up as my exercise and I felt like I had a good workout. Cleaning apparently burns a lot of calories, particularly vacuuming and mopping. I also cleaned the floor on my hands and knees, which is very tiring.

 

My illness would make pregnancy and post partum very trying and difficult. I would have to be under the supervision of my family doctor, a gynecologist, a psychiatrist and a doula. I also experience fear and horror when I think about being pregnant or giving birth. I know these are perfectly natural events, but I find myself being very disgusted by experiencing pregnancy and giving birth. I feel humiliated at the thought of intimate health exams and the vulnerability of pushing a child out of me. My therapist feels that these feelings are rooted in being sexually abused when I was a kid. I can't imagine not having any control over my body.

 

I also think that I am not patient enough to be a parent and my anger issues would be a problem. When I was a nanny, I would cry from frustration when I had a loud and colicky baby girl to look after. Some women are just too damaged to be good mothers. I have often read that abused children are very likely to grow up to be abusive parents and my mother is a prime example of that. Being an auntie is awesomesauce! I can spoil my nieces and enjoy their energy, while being able to hand them back. I enjoy babysitting my nieces, but that is also because they are well behaved sweethearts who are beyond cute. The four year old will sometimes call me "Mommy" because in her words, I "act like a mommy."

 

Eve, you exude a warm and caring energy just through your words. Your daughters are lucky to have a mom like you. Thank you so much for all your kind advice.

[Nyla]

I also want to say that I apologize for upsetting anyone with this thread. I didn't want to depress you guys. I find that talking about painful experience helps, especially since I wasn't allowed to discuss my feelings or weep growing up. If I wept or showed any upset, I would be hit. Speaking of what I have endured helps to release some of the trauma.

[Eve]

The darker side of having experienced abuse manifested itself in self injury, suicide attempts and being violent towards others. I want to make it clear that anyone I have been violent to has been violent to me first, but that doesn't make it right. I received specialized therapy when I was in my early twenties and now I have not cut or tried to end my life in more than five years. I am enjoying being alive too much and there are too many people who love me, such as my husband, my nieces and my best friends.

 

I have found that confronting silly coworkers in the past only worsened the situation. I have also noticed that reporting things causes bad blood and even more bullying. I am hoping that in my new profession, there will be no tolerance for stupid schoolyard nonsense. I was taught that the medical profession is very conservative and doctors are too busy for drama. Anyone who causes trouble just gets fired. I have trained to become a medical secretary.

 

My mother has a very bad temper and I think I subconsciously took on that characteristic. One of the key things I focus on in therapy is anger management, along with relaxation techniques. My therapist says that I have too much adrenaline in my body, so learning to relax is important.

 

My family of origin has refused to attend family therapy, even though it has been recommended by more than one mental health professional. They feel that I am the sick one who needs help, not them. I have given up on trying to talk to my dad. He is too ignorant and irrational to accept that he may be doing something wrong. I find that he is very sweet to me about 95% of the time, but then my father has this mean streak where he agrees with everything my mom says or does.

 

I don't know if this makes me an less independent person, but the love and tenderness I receive from my husband makes life easier. He is always showing his love for me, being affectionate and saying he loves me at least 4-5 times a week.

 

I'm going to try coffee bean extract. It is all natural and it is fine with my medications. Yesterday I did some cleaning up as my exercise and I felt like I had a good workout. Cleaning apparently burns a lot of calories, particularly vacuuming and mopping. I also cleaned the floor on my hands and knees, which is very tiring.

 

My illness would make pregnancy and post partum very trying and difficult. I would have to be under the supervision of my family doctor, a gynecologist, a psychiatrist and a doula. I also experience fear and horror when I think about being pregnant or giving birth. I know these are perfectly natural events, but I find myself being very disgusted by experiencing pregnancy and giving birth. I feel humiliated at the thought of intimate health exams and the vulnerability of pushing a child out of me. My therapist feels that these feelings are rooted in being sexually abused when I was a kid. I can't imagine not having any control over my body.

 

I also think that I am not patient enough to be a parent and my anger issues would be a problem. When I was a nanny, I would cry from frustration when I had a loud and colicky baby girl to look after. Some women are just too damaged to be good mothers. I have often read that abused children are very likely to grow up to be abusive parents and my mother is a prime example of that. Being an auntie is awesomesauce! I can spoil my nieces and enjoy their energy, while being able to hand them back. I enjoy babysitting my nieces, but that is also because they are well behaved sweethearts who are beyond cute. The four year old will sometimes call me "Mommy" because in her words, I "act like a mommy."

 

Eve, you exude a warm and caring energy just through your words. Your daughters are lucky to have a mom like you. Thank you so much for all your kind advice.

 

Nyla it sounds like you have most things covered. You can resist the telephone calls, have limited accompanied visiting, you have looked into family therapy and no longer self harm. That's great! It is a shame that your dad did not attend the therapy sessions alone.. that would have gone some way. I can see why you still want his affection but be careful. If only they had just gone with you to the sessions! Seriously, they have missed out on a good kid, now adult. Keep the boundaries in place and add to them as necessary.

 

Sadly and happily the remaining issue (I see) is how you tell your story. NLP therapy is very good in this regard. Ask your therapist about it.

 

The motherhood thing is an example of this. All in all, although you have run away from certain scenarios, the act of running away does suggest a lower likelihood that you would in fact be a risk to a child. Clearly you have a some understanding of transgenerational abuse but the rule of thumb is higher risks exist for those who have experienced parental sexual abuse. Look at the prison population for example. Most people in prison have suffered child abuse but only a few have abused children. Those who have abused children therefore have to be protected from the general population and they usually have committed sexual crimes. It just doesn't sit right with me for you to consider that you could be a monster. That is a horrendous thing to carry and I really want for you to let that die. Abusers simply don't think in preventative ways. I would love for you to come to a place where your choice to not be a mummy is fully and completely your decision and not based on anything else.

 

I couldn't agree more about finding the right work environment where professionalism stands before childish crap. Gosh Nyla, you must stop and take in all your achievements. Many never experience what you have!

 

I googled the coffee bean extract thing - I am glad that you have found something to try. I would offer to be a fitness buddy with you as I have some weight to shift from my pre surgery problems but I am a bit crap at doing anything other than walking for fitness purposes, which currently I am limited in doing - but I am recovering really well.

 

Yeah, I would love to hear you state that you don't want children because you want to devote time with H, or concerns about the medical side to things... but I understand that this is a difficult topic. I worried as such about my girls, that I would not be emotionally available because I did not have a template for what a good mother is.. but nope, as soon as I laid eyes on my first born I was smitten. I read a TON of books though because of my concern that I was not doing things right, lol. Thanks for the comments about the feel of my relationship with my now grown up babies. I love them very very much and it seems that they are actually listening to me more nowadays. My older friends told me this is what happens with girls.

 

But as I am sure many here can hear that you are doing really really well. That seed in you cannot be broken, doubt is what can makes it feel like it can.

 

I hope you can find substitute parental figures one day.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited June 20, 2013 by Eve

[janedoe67]

I am new here but so much of what you have posted reminds me of my parents especially me mom. in my house there was no such thing as disagreeing with them ever. Their thoughts were my thoughts period end of discussion.

 

I take medicine too, and a few years ago mine started in one the whole weight thing (they have always been the weight police). I actually let my mom wear me down until I changed medicines when the one I was on kept my medical condition in great control. The new thing I began taking messed me up very badly. I was a zombie and my thyroid went kaput. But at least I stopped gaining weight.

 

I know how almost impossible it is to break away from these kinds of parents because it is a lifelong conditioning. But please let your husband be your buffer and shield yourself from this if you can. And if those meds keep your condition under control don't let them pressure you into stopping them.

 

I would give you a hug if I could because I know how hurtful this disapproval cycle is.

[Nyla]

Nyla it sounds like you have most things covered. You can resist the telephone calls, have limited accompanied visiting, you have looked into family therapy and no longer self harm. That's great! It is a shame that your dad did not attend the therapy sessions alone.. that would have gone some way. I can see why you still want his affection but be careful. If only they had just gone with you to the sessions! Seriously, they have missed out on a good kid, now adult. Keep the boundaries in place and add to them as necessary.

 

Sadly and happily the remaining issue (I see) is how you tell your story. NLP therapy is very good in this regard. Ask your therapist about it.

 

The motherhood thing is an example of this. All in all, although you have run away from certain scenarios, the act of running away does suggest a lower likelihood that you would in fact be a risk to a child. Clearly you have a some understanding of transgenerational abuse but the rule of thumb is higher risks exist for those who have experienced parental sexual abuse. Look at the prison population for example. Most people in prison have suffered child abuse but only a few have abused children. Those who have abused children therefore have to be protected from the general population and they usually have committed sexual crimes. It just doesn't sit right with me for you to consider that you could be a monster. That is a horrendous thing to carry and I really want for you to let that die. Abusers simply don't think in preventative ways. I would love for you to come to a place where your choice to not be a mummy is fully and completely your decision and not based on anything else.

 

I couldn't agree more about finding the right work environment where professionalism stands before childish crap. Gosh Nyla, you must stop and take in all your achievements. Many never experience what you have!

 

I googled the coffee bean extract thing - I am glad that you have found something to try. I would offer to be a fitness buddy with you as I have some weight to shift from my pre surgery problems but I am a bit crap at doing anything other than walking for fitness purposes, which currently I am limited in doing - but I am recovering really well.

 

Yeah, I would love to hear you state that you don't want children because you want to devote time with H, or concerns about the medical side to things... but I understand that this is a difficult topic. I worried as such about my girls, that I would not be emotionally available because I did not have a template for what a good mother is.. but nope, as soon as I laid eyes on my first born I was smitten. I read a TON of books though because of my concern that I was not doing things right, lol. Thanks for the comments about the feel of my relationship with my now grown up babies. I love them very very much and it seems that they are actually listening to me more nowadays. My older friends told me this is what happens with girls.

 

But as I am sure many here can hear that you are doing really really well. That seed in you cannot be broken, doubt is what can makes it feel like it can.

 

I hope you can find substitute parental figures one day.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

My mother was abusive and cruel to me because I resemble someone she hates. I look just like a paternal aunt. I also think my mother was jealous of how close I was to my father. That man would come home from work and smother me with affection. After that, he would simply say "Hello." to my mother. I don't blame him; my mom was a screaming battleax. None of my father's family like my mother.

 

I was a very good kid growing up. I did well in school, I did not lose my virginity until I was eighteen which is late for my generation and I worked part time. I also scrubbed a four bedroom house from top to bottom and did laundry and ironing for SIX PEOPLE. My parents treated me like a slave because they felt that they were preparing me for marriage. It wasn't until I had a nervous breakdown that my mother told me I didn't have to do laundry for everyone anymore. My parents also wouldn't let me go out and have fun like my brothers. I hated them for a very long time, especially my mother.

 

The day I left home, my mother wept bitterly. She also tried to give me presents to say she loved me, so that I would stay. I threw them back at her and told my mother that it was too late to try to be a my friend. She had a lot of friggin' nerve trying to butter me up just because I was leaving. Her guilt was not my problem.

 

I will say that I love all the extra time I will have with my husband and our freedom. I love how peaceful and quiet our home is. Those are certainly two of the reasons I don't want children, but the main reasons are my emotional damage and my health. Some people just aren't cut out for motherhood. I would need a lot of help from my mom and I don't want her in my life like that. She is not above calling extended family members to gossip about me, so I don't trust my mother one bit.

 

I have an older woman who is a mother figure to me. She spends hours listening and being supportive. I also feel close to my husband's aunt. She is the only woman in his family to ever pursue a career and leave the tiny village they are from. Aunt C never married or had kids; she was indeed a maverick. As for a father figure, my eldest bro has always been a dad to me. He is 12 years my senior. We had some problems with him gossiping about me to my mother and him being duplicitous, but we get along now. He is scared of my mother and her disapproval, which is part of the reason he is unhappily single and childless at 43. Nobody wants to marry a mama's boy who runs to his mother with everything.

 

I was exercising yesterday but I had to stop because my chest was getting too tight. I must remember to take my asthma puffers before I exert myself. I have learned that pain and not being able to breathe are signs of my body saying "Slow down! I can't do that much yet!" I just want to lose the weight which is why I push myself. I have read that fasting helps a lot.

 

Thanks for telling me how well I am doing. I believe that I have struggled and survived abuse and severe mental illness. It is a great achievement to grow from suicide attempts and cutting, along with allowing people to treat me badly.

[turnera]

Just sayin'...I never had help from anyone raising my DD, except my husband.

[Nyla]

*shrug*

 

Then you'll continue to get the life you don't want. Do your parents also control the parents of your nieces and nephews?

 

My brothers are all afraid of my mother, so they will do whatever she says.

[Nyla]

Just sayin'...I never had help from anyone raising my DD, except my husband.

 

I am not a healthy woman, Turnera.

 

I would require supervision and assistance if I was raising a child, especially during the first year, because there is the danger of Post Partum Psychosis. If we had a child, my husband could only help so much because he would have to return to work. My mental health issues would make it dangerous for me to be alone with a baby after giving birth.

 

If you think that there is something wrong with me needing extra help just because you did not have any, your attitude says more about you than me. Do you feel better now that you made that comment? I hope so.

 

I have noticed that some of your posts in this thread have been snide and hostile. I feel like I have to explain my choices to you, just because I am not handling my problems the way you would. I don't really need any more negativity while I try to deal with my parents and my issues!

 

Eve has been very honest with me, but she has not compared me to herself or made sweeping generalizations about my life. Just like my thread title says, I am doing the best I can with what I know. I am sorry that isn't good enough for you.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Nyla

[Nyla]

Nyla, I get what you are saying, and having an idea of the culture you are from, I think I can see why you don't desire to cut off contact completely. I understand, and I don't blame you.

 

However, I do think you can still enforce consequences on your parents if they specifically say things to you that are hurtful. Sort of like a time-out, in reverse parentage. Not just randomly not returning their calls, but shutting down and ending THAT particular call whenever they do it. Never engaging, always putting a stop to it. Accept all other calls, but as soon as they display poor behaviour, shut it down. That way, you might condition them to not do that.

 

I don't "randomly not return their calls." I try to avoid speaking to my parents as much as possible. If it wasn't for my nieces, I would probably only see my parents if there was an emergency. I love my father because he is mostly the complete opposite of my mom. He is caring, polite, patient and encouraging. He is just ignorant and irrational.

 

I'm glad that you understand the culture I was raised in. Some Americans just don't get East and West Indian parental expectations. My mom thinks that I should cater to my husband's every whim and not wear certain things because I am married. I have no interest in being the subservient idiot my mother is.

 

My mother is intrusive and overbearing because she needs to feel important. Because people find her intimidating they let her run their lives, so she is used to being able to rule others. My mom complains that she knows very little about my life and how I don't want her in it. She peppers me with personal questions and gets offended when I won't answer them. What makes me laugh is that she repeats negative comments in front of my husband and then she frets about the impression she is making as a MIL. My mom is so misguided. My husband already can't stand her.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Nyla

[turnera]

Knowing lots of Indians, I often wonder if the women don't become that way (at least the first generation immigrants to US) BECAUSE it's the only control they have.

[Nyla]

Knowing lots of Indians, I often wonder if the women don't become that way (at least the first generation immigrants to US) BECAUSE it's the only control they have.

 

That could be a strong possibility.

 

My family is West Indian. My mother is an old fashioned and long suffering wife. She does all of the housework and she has stayed with my father, despite his infidelity and physical abuse. That is what women did in her generation.

[Eve]

That could be a strong possibility.

 

My family is West Indian. My mother is an old fashioned and long suffering wife. She does all of the housework and she has stayed with my father, despite his infidelity and physical abuse. That is what women did in her generation.

 

West Indian heritage, second generation Black British here..

 

I think it is largely to do with individualised temperamental ideals of culture - as such the whole battle axe thing can be taken on by other family members too. My eldest sister is like this. Everything has to be perfect and she is miserable as hell trying to attain this. Personally I think she simply has OCD mixed with a large dose of mean. The woman can cook though, lol. Her food is beyond delicious and her home probably could be graded as clinically sterile. I have seen this temperamental ideal being lived out in British people too - it is best termed as, keeping up with the Jones'. The home is perfect but the family system is often quite dysfunctional.

 

Have you seen the programme Monster in Law? Gosh it is very enlightening. There is always a root cause, sometimes it can actually be a valid point but it is how the person chooses to live it out. In my observations it starts out within the first year of the childs life. You can hear it in conversation with the child, such as 'Naughty Jonny won't take his milk today, he is just like so and so'. It is a projection onto the child that really only exists in the mind of the mother/father/carer. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous stuff. This then just continues with more tasks and negative verbal prompts all with the exclusion of natural affection or patience, until it exists too in the mind of the child. Chuck in a few socio economic pressures, domestic violence, ill defined cultural, gender or religious roles and BAM .. lifetime of misery.

 

.. but do watch Monster in Law if you get the time. The rudeness is shocking in parts but darkly amusing, lol. I do quite like the experts who come in and shake things up. I found a link but I don't know if it is valid or not as I don't stream things online. The episode with Khalood and her daughter Fallon is pretty good but I enjoyed them all as the focus is not just on dysfunctional women within the families. Dysfunction will come to anyone who lets it in.

 

Watch Monster In-Laws Full Episodes & Video Online - aetv.com

 

It's all about how we find ways to meet our needs. Some people use parenthood as an extention of themselves rather than the nurturing of a brand new life and thus miss out on the whole process.

 

I have found that the greatest method of damage limitation in such negative situations is to take back whatever was misused. For really, as we sit in our chairs or whatever and let life just simply be.. things aren't actually too bad. So my mantra is to let the negative **** die and live.

 

Nyla, I am glad that you can see the potential for dysfunction within parenthood but please please let it only stand with all the other potential what if's. Clean yourself of any inner voice which could say that you could harm a child. Please. Uproot it and flush it down the toilet. I heard within your writing the thing which feels threatening most above all else would be your mother being involved in raising your child. That is what I heard anyway. The potential for an emotional breaking point comes from that thought methinks.

 

H'mm, I had to leave my family for a time for the reason of dodgy support. Even though I did well due to simply being that sort of person with a very even temperament, I was always perceived to be the weak one and my children were expected to also be weak. So I left. Changed my name, home area, everything and we were ok. It was rather difficult but I am my daughters hero because of this. They have been loved and have been raised according to their needs. My hurts have not hurt them.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited June 21, 2013 by Eve

[Nyla]

West Indian heritage, second generation Black British here..

 

I think it is largely to do with individualised temperamental ideals of culture - as such the whole battle axe thing can be taken on by other family members too. My eldest sister is like this. Everything has to be perfect and she is miserable as hell trying to attain this. Personally I think she simply has OCD mixed with a large dose of mean. The woman can cook though, lol. Her food is beyond delicious and her home probably could be graded as clinically sterile. I have seen this temperamental ideal being lived out in British people too - it is best termed as, keeping up with the Jones'. The home is perfect but the family system is often quite dysfunctional.

 

Have you seen the programme Monster in Law? Gosh it is very enlightening. There is always a root cause, sometimes it can actually be a valid point but it is how the person chooses to live it out. In my observations it starts out within the first year of the childs life. You can hear it in conversation with the child, such as 'Naughty Jonny won't take his milk today, he is just like so and so'. It is a projection onto the child that really only exists in the mind of the mother/father/carer. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous stuff. This then just continues with more tasks and negative verbal prompts all with the exclusion of natural affection or patience, until it exists too in the mind of the child. Chuck in a few socio economic pressures, domestic violence, ill defined cultural, gender or religious roles and BAM .. lifetime of misery.

 

.. but do watch Monster in Law if you get the time. The rudeness is shocking in parts but darkly amusing, lol. I do quite like the experts who come in and shake things up. I found a link but I don't know if it is valid or not as I don't stream things online. The episode with Khalood and her daughter Fallon is pretty good but I enjoyed them all as the focus is not just on dysfunctional women within the families. Dysfunction will come to anyone who lets it in.

 

Watch Monster In-Laws Full Episodes & Video Online - aetv.com

 

It's all about how we find ways to meet our needs. Some people use parenthood as an extention of themselves rather than the nurturing of a brand new life and thus miss out on the whole process.

 

I have found that the greatest method of damage limitation in such negative situations is to take back whatever was misused. For really, as we sit in our chairs or whatever and let life just simply be.. things aren't actually too bad. So my mantra is to let the negative **** die and live.

 

Nyla, I am glad that you can see the potential for dysfunction within parenthood but please please let it only stand with all the other potential what if's. Clean yourself of any inner voice which could say that you could harm a child. Please. Uproot it and flush it down the toilet. I heard within your writing the thing which feels threatening most above all else would be your mother being involved in raising your child. That is what I heard anyway. The potential for an emotional breaking point comes from that thought methinks.

 

H'mm, I had to leave my family for a time for the reason of dodgy support. Even though I did well due to simply being that sort of person with a very even temperament, I was always perceived to be the weak one and my children were expected to also be weak. So I left. Changed my name, home area, everything and we were ok. It was rather difficult but I am my daughters hero because of this. They have been loved and have been raised according to their needs. My hurts have not hurt them.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Is your sister my mom? She sounds EXACTLY like my mother. Great cook and housekeeper, materialistic and miserable to be around. My mother's house has been described as sterile. She mops the floor three times a day and if I did not clean something properly growing up, I would get beaten.

 

I never harmed any of the children I looked after growing up. In fact, I was quite good with them. My favorite child was a developmentally challenged little boy who died at age nine, when I was only seventeen. He was the size of a two year old and non verbal, though his eyes held a certain awareness. I swear that when that little boy passed away, a piece of me died with him. I loved him with all of my heart.

 

I have no doubt that I would not harm a child while I was functioning well, however my moods would be compromised a great deal by the ordeals of pregnancy and giving birth. I don't trust myself in that vulnerable state. I also realize that I have a bad temper just like my mother and even though it is under control now, I don't know if I could keep it in check if I had a child. I think motherhood would just be too intense for me. I have a hard enough time allowing myself to be loved by my husband and letting my guard down.

 

I would leave if it didn't mean that I would have no contact with my nieces.

[turnera]

Then arm yourself. Educate yourself with as many books about people like your mom and dad so that, when they do the harmful things, you look at them like a science experiment. It takes you away, up to 50,000 feet, so that what they do is NOT about you, and you can examine it and analyze it.

 

I also like to have fun with difficult people. If someone tries to criticize me, I try to get creative to spin it around on them. They learn really quickly to stop, because it becomes painful to THEM.

[Nyla]

Then arm yourself. Educate yourself with as many books about people like your mom and dad so that, when they do the harmful things, you look at them like a science experiment. It takes you away, up to 50,000 feet, so that what they do is NOT about you, and you can examine it and analyze it.

 

I also like to have fun with difficult people. If someone tries to criticize me, I try to get creative to spin it around on them. They learn really quickly to stop, because it becomes painful to THEM.

 

Way ahead of you, T. I read so many self help books and I own some. The best one for dealing with my family is Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl Mcbride. I have also read Toxic In-Laws to get a bead on what my husband might be going through with parents like mine.

 

Sometimes I pity my parents. They live in a dysfunctional world where their children never grow up and everything is about image. My wedding was supposed to be my mother's event to appear rich, with no regard for the wishes of the bride and groom. Eloping taught my mother that if she tries to control my marriage and my life, she will be left out.

 

My husband and I prepare ourselves for visiting my parents. We talk about how to deal with their rude comments and controlling behavior. When my husband defends me or compliments me after a cutting remark, my mother is shocked and chastened.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Nyla

[Eve]

Is your sister my mom? She sounds EXACTLY like my mother. Great cook and housekeeper, materialistic and miserable to be around. My mother's house has been described as sterile. She mops the floor three times a day and if I did not clean something properly growing up, I would get beaten.

 

I never harmed any of the children I looked after growing up. In fact, I was quite good with them. My favorite child was a developmentally challenged little boy who died at age nine, when I was only seventeen. He was the size of a two year old and non verbal, though his eyes held a certain awareness. I swear that when that little boy passed away, a piece of me died with him. I loved him with all of my heart.

 

I have no doubt that I would not harm a child while I was functioning well, however my moods would be compromised a great deal by the ordeals of pregnancy and giving birth. I don't trust myself in that vulnerable state. I also realize that I have a bad temper just like my mother and even though it is under control now, I don't know if I could keep it in check if I had a child. I think motherhood would just be too intense for me. I have a hard enough time allowing myself to be loved by my husband and letting my guard down.

 

I would leave if it didn't mean that I would have no contact with my nieces.

 

I am not sure if my eldest sister still has her extreme OCD tendancies but when I knew her she would hoover the entire house (including moving ALL furniture) every single evening - and I mean, every single evening. This was the time she would be most likely to lash out at her children. Not sure how much of this routine was passed onto her children for them to do. I only know that my niece could cook by age 10 and West Indian meals are not simple meals either. Anyhow she eventually tried to kill herself (I found her) and she was institutionalised for a long time. Even though I don't like her I can see that she had mental health problems and the cleaning thing was part of it.

 

She has tried to contact me a number of times recently but I am not going there. She made my life a living hell. Maybe one day?

 

I left my family because I was becoming hateful too. I kept thinking about myself all the time and one day seriously contemplated stabbing my younger sister because of some **** she had said. I knew then that things had gone too far and I had to leave. So I did.

 

Well, you can evidence being with a vulnerable child and doing only your best for him. Understanding various pressures and vulnerabilities is one thing and motherhood can be a stressor for some.. but the likelihood is that you would seek help if ever placed in that situation. By the sounds of things you have a positive support network around you and can verbalise how you are feeling, so that reduces the likelihood even further. Although I know it happens, I just hate any thought of abuse winning out. It is perfectly fine to not want children of your own... but I find it hard to swallow that some choose to not have children as the ultimate way of stemming the cycle of abuse. My point remains that I don't think you are being fair to yourself; vulnerable or not, please be more positively protective of yourself when you think about yourself. But I am keenly aware that this is the challenge for those who have been abused as children.

 

Yes the drawback to cutting off family is that contact with the ones you do want to see can be disrupted. I think this is only when we are younger though. If you ever needed to, I am sure you could arrange to meet with your nieces still? Do you only see them at your mum's place?

 

I feel sorry for your brother that he simply cannot free himself. Sometimes people can do nothing other than this though. I hope and pray he finds the courage to break the negative links.

 

I hear in your posts that you feel that you feel you have some negative characteristics from your mum. Personally I have concluded that the way to counter such a problem is to consciously decide to carry two positive things liked about the person. All in all, it is rare for anyone to be wholly bad and I do not believe anyone is born bad! Personally, I found that I was open to being mean if I did not counter this issue head on. I suppose I found that there is a bit of a riddle within experiences which actually has a lot of power. Essentially by carrying two positive characteristics I found that I was not stripping the other person off their humanity. By allowing part of them to live on through me, this enabled me to avoid repeating their errors and stopping the abuse from living on through the generations. I did this as part of the whole Jesus inspired, love those who you hate thing.

 

It's like I was consumed with how unfair my life was but was becoming less aware of how my behaviour was becoming more and more negative. Hence I am glad that that there is such a thing as repentance but I was PISSED for a time that I had been bought to that state because of what had been done to me. Man did I rage at God over that ****, lol. Now, I kind of understand some experiences can create a deep wound, which I have named as 'a mortal wound' that only God can bind up but we have to be willing to let the story die otherwise we can still carry it and pass it on. I have chosen to carry how my sister taught me to cook rice and she taught me to always manage my own affairs before I could be any good to anyone else. Pretty good characteristics to pass on methinks.

 

Are there two positive things you can carry from the experience of being raised by your mum?

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Nyla]

I am not sure if my eldest sister still has her extreme OCD tendancies but when I knew her she would hoover the entire house (including moving ALL furniture) every single evening - and I mean, every single evening. This was the time she would be most likely to lash out at her children. Not sure how much of this routine was passed onto her children for them to do. I only know that my niece could cook by age 10 and West Indian meals are not simple meals either. Anyhow she eventually tried to kill herself (I found her) and she was institutionalised for a long time. Even though I don't like her I can see that she had mental health problems and the cleaning thing was part of it.

 

She has tried to contact me a number of times recently but I am not going there. She made my life a living hell. Maybe one day?

 

I left my family because I was becoming hateful too. I kept thinking about myself all the time and one day seriously contemplated stabbing my younger sister because of some **** she had said. I knew then that things had gone too far and I had to leave. So I did.

 

Well, you can evidence being with a vulnerable child and doing only your best for him. Understanding various pressures and vulnerabilities is one thing and motherhood can be a stressor for some.. but the likelihood is that you would seek help if ever placed in that situation. By the sounds of things you have a positive support network around you and can verbalise how you are feeling, so that reduces the likelihood even further. Although I know it happens, I just hate any thought of abuse winning out. It is perfectly fine to not want children of your own... but I find it hard to swallow that some choose to not have children as the ultimate way of stemming the cycle of abuse. My point remains that I don't think you are being fair to yourself; vulnerable or not, please be more positively protective of yourself when you think about yourself. But I am keenly aware that this is the challenge for those who have been abused as children.

 

Yes the drawback to cutting off family is that contact with the ones you do want to see can be disrupted. I think this is only when we are younger though. If you ever needed to, I am sure you could arrange to meet with your nieces still? Do you only see them at your mum's place?

 

I feel sorry for your brother that he simply cannot free himself. Sometimes people can do nothing other than this though. I hope and pray he finds the courage to break the negative links.

 

I hear in your posts that you feel that you feel you have some negative characteristics from your mum. Personally I have concluded that the way to counter such a problem is to consciously decide to carry two positive things liked about the person. All in all, it is rare for anyone to be wholly bad and I do not believe anyone is born bad! Personally, I found that I was open to being mean if I did not counter this issue head on. I suppose I found that there is a bit of a riddle within experiences which actually has a lot of power. Essentially by carrying two positive characteristics I found that I was not stripping the other person off their humanity. By allowing part of them to live on through me, this enabled me to avoid repeating their errors and stopping the abuse from living on through the generations. I did this as part of the whole Jesus inspired, love those who you hate thing.

 

It's like I was consumed with how unfair my life was but was becoming less aware of how my behaviour was becoming more and more negative. Hence I am glad that that there is such a thing as repentance but I was PISSED for a time that I had been bought to that state because of what had been done to me. Man did I rage at God over that ****, lol. Now, I kind of understand some experiences can create a deep wound, which I have named as 'a mortal wound' that only God can bind up but we have to be willing to let the story die otherwise we can still carry it and pass it on. I have chosen to carry how my sister taught me to cook rice and she taught me to always manage my own affairs before I could be any good to anyone else. Pretty good characteristics to pass on methinks.

 

Are there two positive things you can carry from the experience of being raised by your mum?

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Because I was raised by my mother, I am a good housekeeper and cook. She groomed me to be a wife since I was nine years old. I also learned to manage my issues instead of pretending that I do not have any. My mother may have been abusive, but she also did some things very well as a parent. She instilled the value of education.

 

I have a sibling who made my life a living hell. He has been physically abusive along with bullying me. I have reached out to him in the spirit of family, but he doesn't want to be close. I don't care anymore because I did my part. He also does not want to acknowledge the stuff he did, likely out of guilt and shame.

 

I understand all too well the feeling of wanting to hurt evil family members. After years of abuse, I started to plan how I was going to stab my mother in her sleep. I knew not to do something so heinous and sink down to her level. My mother has said she is afraid of me, which is good. She needs to know how it feels to live in terror of a family member.

 

My therapist has said: "It is fine to not want children, but your reasons are rooted in fear and trauma, which are not good places to make life decisions from." I have seen firsthand what happens when damaged women have children.

 

Good news: My stomach has gone down! It is likely water weight but that is okay. The body part I hate the most is my stomach. It is where most of my weight goes. I also do not like how round my face is, no matter how much weight I lose. If I had the money, I would have liposuction as well as facial reconstructive surgery. I would have some of the fat removed from my cheeks and I would make my cheekbones more prominent. I can't let my husband hear me say such things because he gets upset. He thinks I am adorable but then he also has poor eyesight and wears glasses!

Edited June 23, 2013 by Nyla

[Eve]

Because I was raised by my mother, I am a good housekeeper and cook. She groomed me to be a wife since I was nine years old. I also learned to manage my issues instead of pretending that I do not have any. My mother may have been abusive, but she also did some things very well as a parent. She instilled the value of education.

 

I have a sibling who made my life a living hell. He has been physically abusive along with bullying me. I have reached out to him in the spirit of family, but he doesn't want to be close. I don't care anymore because I did my part. He also does not want to acknowledge the stuff he did, likely out of guilt and shame.

 

I understand all too well the feeling of wanting to hurt evil family members. After years of abuse, I started to plan how I was going to stab my mother in her sleep. I knew not to do something so heinous and sink down to her level. My mother has said she is afraid of me, which is good. She needs to know how it feels to live in terror of a family member.

 

My therapist has said: "It is fine to not want children, but your reasons are rooted in fear and trauma, which are not good places to make life decisions from." I have seen firsthand what happens when damaged women have children.

 

Good news: My stomach has gone down! It is likely water weight but that is okay. The body part I hate the most is my stomach. It is where most of my weight goes. I also do not like how round my face is, no matter how much weight I lose. If I had the money, I would have liposuction as well as facial reconstructive surgery. I would have some of the fat removed from my cheeks and I would make my cheekbones more prominent. I can't let my husband hear me say such things because he gets upset. He thinks I am adorable but then he also has poor eyesight and wears glasses!

 

I am glad you have those skills as many can't cook or look after themselves properly nowadays at all. Glad that you were taught to value education too. Those skills belong to you now. No one can take them away from you. I have seen children who have been heavily taught as such and the rule is to still allow them to do the chores (if they want) because it is so deeply ingrained in them. It takes time for it to become a free choice.

 

Yeah, I have a dysfunctional male older sibling who is the root of many of my issues. I don't really talk about that though. H'mmm.. having a parent who is more interested in punishment than nurturing can open the doors for abuse to occur elsewhere.. as is well documented.

 

My sister used to speak about hurting our mother. She used to say she would do so once my mother got old and she had to look after her. That didn't sit well with me at all. Me? At heart i'm not really a fighter. Really I was more interested in working out how the hell I was going to have some form of normality! Plus the idea of prison doesn't sit well with me, lol.

 

Things will change again for you Nyla once the parents have moved. Then again once your parents have passed away. I hope and pray that you will all have a moment of clarity where the past can be put to rest but I understand that not many get to that as hurts run deep. Usually the way forward is to do things individually with the parent/s. Simple environmental changes such as not going to the family home but meeting elsewhere can encourage each to sort out problems without involving anyone else. That's a lot of pressure on the side of the person who has been abused to do this though, especially as you say your mum gets a lot out of talking about you to other family members. She would have to honour the time together and keep it between the both of you.

 

Not sure that your dad would have the courage to do this, or even if it is worth trying..

 

All in all it's hard to be mad when having fun. The theory is that essential ways of interacting were never developed because of stressors that were not resisted, you see. I have seen people turn things around a million times but it is very hard work. Mostly because the individuals must get past the question of 'why should I?'. Really there is no other answer but because you want to. It can be done though but maybe it is too late? Sadly I never got there within my personal life.

 

W'hoo! glad to hear you have made some progress with the weight. Hold on to that happiness and don't let anyone sway you from it. My post surgery tummy has gone down a whole lot too and I can walk to the second (better) shop which is nearest to me now. Do you think the coffee bean extract helped? Or was it good old fashioned exercise?

 

Think ahead for when you have your surgery. This may be another trigger due to potentially losing your independence for a while whilst you recover. Via my surgery, I think I have finally learned to let go and let those closest to me help me! .. well, I have learned something new but obviously will always try to do things for myself because that is a drive which can't be broken.

 

Not sure what to say about you considering plastic surgery. I suppose it may be good to make sure you go to someone who completes a psychological assessment firstly because of your past. H is probably right, even with his poor eye sight, lol. Anyway plastic surgery can sometimes end up looking awful in later years, especially when it is related to the face. So saying, I have seen a laser procedure (on TV) which can be done on the neck that doesn't seem to have any long term consequences. Though not centered on the face, the procedure does drastically improve the appearance of the face. It takes years off. It is an invasive procedure and the recovery is 6 weeks post surgery but the results are good.

 

Anyhow, I am really glad that you have managed to carry on after all you have been through. Sorry that I have gone on a bit but adult survivors of abuse are people so very close to my heart. Trust in those senses you have developed for they are valuable and so are you!

 

.. Glad you have found a good therapist too.

 

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited June 25, 2013 by Eve

[Nyla]

I am glad you have those skills as many can't cook or look after themselves properly nowadays at all. Glad that you were taught to value education too. Those skills belong to you now. No one can take them away from you. I have seen children who have been heavily taught as such and the rule is to still allow them to do the chores (if they want) because it is so deeply ingrained in them. It takes time for it to become a free choice.

 

Yeah, I have a dysfunctional male older sibling who is the root of many of my issues. I don't really talk about that though. H'mmm.. having a parent who is more interested in punishment than nurturing can open the doors for abuse to occur elsewhere.. as is well documented.

 

My sister used to speak about hurting our mother. She used to say she would do so once my mother got old and she had to look after her. That didn't sit well with me at all. Me? At heart i'm not really a fighter. Really I was more interested in working out how the hell I was going to have some form of normality! Plus the idea of prison doesn't sit well with me, lol.

 

Things will change again for you Nyla once the parents have moved. Then again once your parents have passed away. I hope and pray that you will all have a moment of clarity where the past can be put to rest but I understand that not many get to that as hurts run deep. Usually the way forward is to do things individually with the parent/s. Simple environmental changes such as not going to the family home but meeting elsewhere can encourage each to sort out problems without involving anyone else. That's a lot of pressure on the side of the person who has been abused to do this though, especially as you say your mum gets a lot out of talking about you to other family members. She would have to honour the time together and keep it between the both of you.

 

Not sure that your dad would have the courage to do this, or even if it is worth trying..

 

All in all it's hard to be mad when having fun. The theory is that essential ways of interacting were never developed because of stressors that were not resisted, you see. I have seen people turn things around a million times but it is very hard work. Mostly because the individuals must get past the question of 'why should I?'. Really there is no other answer but because you want to. It can be done though but maybe it is too late? Sadly I never got there within my personal life.

 

W'hoo! glad to hear you have made some progress with the weight. Hold on to that happiness and don't let anyone sway you from it. My post surgery tummy has gone down a whole lot too and I can walk to the second (better) shop which is nearest to me now. Do you think the coffee bean extract helped? Or was it good old fashioned exercise?

 

Think ahead for when you have your surgery. This may be another trigger due to potentially losing your independence for a while whilst you recover. Via my surgery, I think I have finally learned to let go and let those closest to me help me! .. well, I have learned something new but obviously will always try to do things for myself because that is a drive which can't be broken.

 

Not sure what to say about you considering plastic surgery. I suppose it may be good to make sure you go to someone who completes a psychological assessment firstly because of your past. H is probably right, even with his poor eye sight, lol. Anyway plastic surgery can sometimes end up looking awful in later years, especially when it is related to the face. So saying, I have seen a laser procedure (on TV) which can be done on the neck that doesn't seem to have any long term consequences. Though not centered on the face, the procedure does drastically improve the appearance of the face. It takes years off. It is an invasive procedure and the recovery is 6 weeks post surgery but the results are good.

 

Anyhow, I am really glad that you have managed to carry on after all you have been through. Sorry that I have gone on a bit but adult survivors of abuse are people so very close to my heart. Trust in those senses you have developed for they are valuable and so are you!

 

.. Glad you have found a good therapist too.

 

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

I was once in a group home as an adult. It took time for me not to clean everyone's dishes as that is what I was taught to do. I know my husband appreciates my domestic skills and that is what my mother wanted for me. I can hear her pride when she talks about how well fed her son-in-law looks or how nice his clothes are from being taken care of well.

 

I am generally a very kind person, but there is always anger simmering beneath the surface, waiting to jump out and protect me. I wouldn't actually hurt my parents as I am not a murderous sociopath.

 

When my parents move away, I will feel sad that a chapter is coming to a close. I will also miss my father a great deal. When my father dies, I think I will likely have a bout of depression. When my mother passes on, I will feel relief and sadness that our relationship couldn't have been better. My father does not have the courage to be able to see me alone and he would just spend the time trying to convince me to see my mother. That is what happened the last time we tried to have a relationship with just us. Whenever I try to put my past behind me, something happens which reminds me of why I keep my parents at an arm's length.

 

I won't be getting plastic surgery as I cannot afford it and I know my husband would be very upset if I did a lot of work on my face or my body. He loves me the way I am. I do look quite young as I still get carded.