vascularity Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hey all - my previous thread is here for reference. Crazy that it's been just over a month since this last post, as it feels like it's been ages: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393081-uphill-battle-nc To quickly summarize, after foolishly humoring past breadcrumbs after our breakup and trying to express my unsaid grievances, I had left off communication with a general air of "I would like to resume contact someday when I feel able to do so, but now is not that time." In a previous message, I had told her that it was impossible to pretend to be friends, given that we're still in love, so this digression was... well, a definite regression. A moment of weakness that I construed as a gesture of diplomacy, of maturity... the moral of the story here is don't take advice from your parents or other girls. Emotional reasoning won't save you or get her back. Anyway, it's been a little over a month since she'd responded to my long manifesto of grievances, and she contacted me the other day (ironically, after I'd just arrived home from an overnight fling), asking whether it was too early to be civil and copacetic. Her tone was flat, unemotive - some of her previous breadcrumbs had a vague air of desperation, but this one seemed... extremely detached, which put me off to an extreme degree. This being said, it infuriates me to no end that she used the term "copacetic" - to imply that everything is okay or COULD be without some kind of apology or reconciliatory action from her end smacks of narcissism and egocentrism to me, just trying to assuage her own stupid, self-inflicted guilt. It's clear that I'm not over this or "okay" enough to where I could even humor any kind of contact with her without going on some inglorious tirade, recklessly throwing accusations and insults at her, but here's where I feel broken up: In my last communication I'd sent to her, an addendum to the long manifesto I'd sent before (literally right after, a post-script), I'd digressed and said it was presumptuous to demand that the only way she could be in my life was under a romantic premise, of working things out and making things better. Despite the fact that I really regret having said that now, given that I don't at all feel that way, I can't help but feel unresolved in that she's contacted me now, believing that I want to try again as friends first and build from the ground up, when I know that would be utterly impossible for me to do without an agenda. I just can't help but feel like I'm giving her the wrong idea by discontinuing contact and not even giving her a courtesy "I'm healing, I can't ever be just friends with you, don't ever contact me again unless you want to work things out" just to clarify. I know that doing so isn't the answer, as trying to appeal to her emotions or sense of reason has failed spectacularly before in the wake of our breakup, so I'm staying resolute in my judgment now, but ****, it feels so wrong. I intend to continue NC and ignore her, come hell or high water, unless I see some self-effacing gesture from her where she actively seeks reconciliation, but even that makes me feel like I'm pursuing NC for the wrong reasons. Despite the fact that I've blocked and deleted her on every other form of social media, her only way of contacting me (well, besides phone, which hasn't happened) is email, and I still feel hesitant to block her on that, likely because of the idiotic expectation that she'll come around someday. What say you, LS? Am I right in ignoring what my mind tells me is a pretty damn weak breadcrumb, or should I give her the benefit of the doubt? I feel as though I know what the right answer is, but the amount of pain I still feel from all of this on a day-to-day basis, despite doing beneficial things for myself like working out, job hunting/internship, and casually dating, feels wholly disproportionate for the extremely limited contact we've had since the breakup. Thoughts?
Oldcatskinner Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Boss, it is clear that you are not over her, and you realize that. Also, it is good that you realize that you shouldn't take advice from other girls about girls. That is the same as asking Josef Stalin if Hitler was a bad person. From your posts, and I have had these feelings too; it is upsetting when they do not come groveling back. Deal with this; if you TRULY care about her and care about yourself, then let it be. You are healing, and making progress because you recognize what is going on with you. Keep moving forward. The secret is to not get wrapped up in what she is feeling, or MOST importantly, what YOU think she is is feeling or thinking. Hang in there.
cdt76 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 No matter your actual reason for maintaining NC, keep doing it. I'm hesitant to say that as an iron-clad resolution to your problems. My own experience has been that it works, no matter your reason for actually doing it. I am, however, a believer that if you love someone, tell them. Tell, them how you feel and what makes you desire them so much and then leave it at that. You don't want her grovelling or crying on your doorstep to get back with you. However, whatever steps she may or may not take in or away from your direction, will be taken with full consciousness of your feelings for her. I've learned that you can't force another person to take actions or think thoughts, no matter how hard we love them. Tell her and let her go and make her own decisions in life and you do the same. I'm struggling with this right now too. There is no way to reconcile your feelings you have today to the feelings you will have in 6 months without strict adherence to setting goals for yourself and working every day to get there.
Enna Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I have been in NC for 24 days now and have got about three and-a-half breadcrumbs (the half was him contacting my friend). Didn't respond. Although I have found the SITUATION and loss difficult, I have found No Contact very easy. Among the reasons why are I keep remembering the HORRIBLE, COLD tone of voice my ex had the last time I spoke to him. It was as if he had become a different person. WHENEVER you think of contacting your ex, remember the coldness of your last communications. Also, every time I've needed strength I'd read and re-read Tara/Caliguy's No Contact Guide. No Contact WORKS. (Best outcome: You get yourself back. Worst outcome: You give them a second chance and they're as rubbish as they always were. I speak from experience. However, the hope that they will come back - which is not a vain one - can be enough to sustain your resolve. Limited Contact is an extremely bad/miserable strategy that doesn't work on any level). And you know what - I actually feel massively better every day. Just stick to your guns and have confidence in your worth! 1
RespectfullyAlone Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 In my situation, I have taken NC to the absolute extreme. I'm now so deep into it, I don't know how I will ever climb back out of this self imposed exhile I have found myself. I've literately dropped off the planet, and it made no difference whatsoever in terms of the hope my ex might reach out, even if just to ask where I was, or if I was ok. Nothing. She's getting plowed every night by her guy, and racing full steam ahead towards her up coming wedding. NC has helped me to some degree, but it has also hurt me just as much. I have no self esteem anymore, I am seriously ruined by the breakup and it was 6 months ago! It doesn't matter if it's a nice day out, or what is happening, I just can't seem to find any joy in anything. Call it what you will, her having all the power, I don't care what name is given to this, the fact remains my heart was broken, it still is. I still love her, and nothing in life I do has the same meaning, the same outlook to it. Without her, it's just dark. I didn't need her to be happy, I was ok before I met her. But now I don't care about anything, and I am so worried I will stay this way until my last dying breath. Be wise in how you approach NC. You might fall down a very dark deep hole. So far that when you do eventually look up, you won't even see the light. You will be trapped forever in this dark place.
ballycastle Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 In my situation, I have taken NC to the absolute extreme. I'm now so deep into it, I don't know how I will ever climb back out of this self imposed exhile I have found myself. I've literately dropped off the planet, and it made no difference whatsoever in terms of the hope my ex might reach out, even if just to ask where I was, or if I was ok. Nothing. She's getting plowed every night by her guy, and racing full steam ahead towards her up coming wedding. NC has helped me to some degree, but it has also hurt me just as much. I have no self esteem anymore, I am seriously ruined by the breakup and it was 6 months ago! It doesn't matter if it's a nice day out, or what is happening, I just can't seem to find any joy in anything. Call it what you will, her having all the power, I don't care what name is given to this, the fact remains my heart was broken, it still is. I still love her, and nothing in life I do has the same meaning, the same outlook to it. Without her, it's just dark. I didn't need her to be happy, I was ok before I met her. But now I don't care about anything, and I am so worried I will stay this way until my last dying breath. Be wise in how you approach NC. You might fall down a very dark deep hole. So far that when you do eventually look up, you won't even see the light. You will be trapped forever in this dark place. Respectfully Alone, I know exactly how you feel. I am 6 months NC broke up just over a year ago. I know I am in it for the long haul. It's interesting some posters say that 6 months, 'we should be over it/getting better' etc but everyone is different. It can take 6 months to train for a marathon...and it the general scheme of things in life is not long at all in my mind, we have suffered trauma, heartbreak call it what you will, but it's a deep wound. I guess the light will only appear as shadows at first. I have been in the depths of acute despair and have looked into my attachment issues, why I am so drawn or addicted to feeling like this. I am not as sad as I was, it is just moments of sadness, like Saturday nights, sunday mornings etc, seeing lovers out, kissing, holding hands. I like you feel trapped a lot. But we need this time alone. Even if it hurts, even if it is lonely as hell. A lot of our feelings are lost in nostalgia. Does anyone else keep a diary here? I have one by my bed, that more or less transcribes every feeling, every detailed argument I had in our relationship then after with the crumbs thrown, the texts they send to further reject you post BU, make you feel worse, make you feel like ****. But we don't have to feel like that anymore. Why? Cos when I feel in that 'I miss them so much' place, I reach for my book. I read the forgotten cold comments I wrote when he kept telling me that he didn't want a relationship with me after spending time and screwing me, happy to see me on HIS terms as a f*ck buddy or whatever, forgotten comments I ignored in early arguments telling me, 'I have never really had successful relationships,' or 'I hurt my last girlfriends.' that I wilfully ignored, believing it I will be different. Then I stop feeling sad, reclaim my power and move on to something else in my life/day that makes me feel happier, because nostalgia can be worse than NC itself. This time alone should be time to be lonely, feel sad (I've taught myself it's normal, it's OK to feel this way, it will pass, it is not the summation of me) teach us to look out for the flags we missed last time for our own reasons, and avoid them next time. I listen to people a lot more now. They tell us a lot without realising. Has my ex been in contact? A few times. It was my birthday recently and he was the first to email me about it. Does it feel good to ignore him? No, but it makes me FEEL GOOD I can carry on life without him, without the feeling I am missing out if I am not with him anymore. And it's taken that long to get here. It won't always be that way. If you look at my past posts, you will see I never would have believed it possible to feel better than I did. I have had a spell in therapy and read a lot of posts on LS. Do what ever you need to do, but it's OK to feel sad. But we are often sent signs we ignore when wrapped in grief. Signs that tell us our EX's are not the value of us, we are the value of ourselves. 2
Author vascularity Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 For some reason, last night was especially difficult. I was kept up by the irrational neuroses that felt more typical of the first few weeks that we were broken up - the crushing waves of sadness, paranoia, looping trains of thought. I knew breaking down as I did last night was going to translate into heart-rending dreams, and that was true as well. That being said, my question is this: While trying to fall asleep (and even waking up this morning, to some extent), I couldn't help but feel as though I should write her an extremely brief email. No emotion, no fluff, but just "I can't just be friends with you. Please don't contact me unless you want to work things out." To me, it feels like a continuation of NC, merely restating the exact terms upon which she could return, but I'm afraid it's just bull**** rationalization that my brain is pulling to reach out to her, even in the most minute way. That or the fear that she thinks I'm so hurt or involved with someone else through my silence that she's disconnecting completely herself. What do you all think - is a super-brief note that says verbatim what I posted above too much, and I should wait for her to reach out with a pronounced action to get back together, or just continue NC as I have been?
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