The Uphill Battle of NC

[vascularity]

Hey guys - I've been lurking the forums for some time now, mainly the GIGS and NC threads in general. Not looking for feedback atm so much as a place to vent and share personal experience in direct regard to maintaining NC:

 

I share the same story that many of you are likely suffering through: you dated a girl that completely changed your paradigm/conception of dating, someone who's "not like the other girls," and they dropped you like it's hot. The reason here isn't important so much as the pragmatic reality of the situation: she was unhappy, she left.

 

She broke up with me a little shy of two months ago. We'd been dating for roughly six months, but talking for about a year total. We started talking through a mutual friend on Facebook, and that would later develop into a playful rapport, which developed into romantic infatuation and everything that comes with that. However, the main pitfall to this was the distance: she lives about two hours from me, so that added obvious strain unto the relationship, even at its best.

 

The breakup reared its ugly head with a buildup of two days: it was as though she'd just changed. It had been some degree of rocky leading up to that for weeks, but it was by no means one-sided, and was certainly not discussed. Though I reacted more hot-headed and ad hominem than I'd have liked, it felt like she'd made her mind up without having consulted me or discussing the seriousness of what was transpiring in her head. This is amidst her many mixed signals and varying tone, even over the course of a day. It's taken a long time to realize that this kind of communication was always an issue, though - I could sense her discomfort long before she was able to articulate it, and as such, I enabled her like a crutch. I thought I was that direct conduit to her and "knew" her in a way that she didn't even know herself, but I realize now, long after the fact, how disempowering and condescending it is to take control out of another's hands, regardless of the intent or guise.

 

Upon her initial breakup with me, I severed all ties to her - immediately deleted her on Facebook, her phone number, deleted all pictures/content pertaining to her on my computer... she was as functionally dead to me as I'd told her that she'd be, during the breakup itself. However, I spoke to several different people about the situation I was in, and the consensus was the same across the board, despite drastically different ages, personalities, and backgrounds: "which matters more to you: having her, or your ego?" Unfortunately, I chose the former, and wrote her some heartfelt email about a week after our breakup about how I'd realized some of the points she was trying to make, and asked for a date to reconcile. She rebuffed me, giving me the whole "I love you but I can't" diatribe, along with other rationale that just seemed... either derived from emotional reasoning or faulty memory, because it literally seemed incorrect.

 

Seeing that the girl I'd invested so much into, the girl that would "marry me tomorrow if I asked," the girl that said I was "the only one she'd ever felt anything real for" had turned down my offer for reconciliation... initially destroyed me. It was a wonder that I was even able to function, let alone fulfill my job duties without biting my colleague's heads off. It was like I was living some bizarro-Twilight zone episode - waking up to a life without her. In the weeks that followed, she would send a few emails to me. The first was her asking my STD test results, as that had been an open thread in our relationship before its demise, and I was foolish enough to give her a curt response. The second was a message that basically said "I'm still extremely hurt, but I don't understand why you talk to (a different ex) and not me. Also, I understand not talking now, but the thought of me being dead to you forever is rough." Again, after talking to my mom at length about these and many other issues, I was foolish enough to show her my hand completely, under the premise of complete transparency and a need to understand, to forgive, and to move on. This came in the form of a long letter where I aired all of my unsaid grievances to her - the endless frustrations, the contradictions in her behavior, the mixed signals, her lack of communication and how it affected me, and lastly, an intent for the future: that I needed time to integrate the lessons learned from our breakup, but I wanted to have some degree of contact with her in the future.

 

She finally got back to me this last Friday with an equally long email that, while being more succinct in her rationale for leaving, still leaves me spiritually unresolved. I feel silly and stupid for feeling as though anything but NC from the get-go would help anything, but it's been so hard for me to feel like walking away from the whole situation would change anything. I'm a fixer, a doer, someone who is used to solving problems instead of letting sleeping dogs lie, even when it stirs up drama, and the feeling of laying still and letting time run its course was so debilitating initially that I felt like not doing anything would kill me, the guilt was killing me, and something had to be done.

 

The worst part is still being madly in love with her, while feeling more strongly by each passing day that I deserve better, that I deserve someone who communicates with me in a way that is open and fair to me. It's just hard to see, since I've never had a relationship of this caliber. I've had serious relationships, cute girlfriends, whatever, but nothing that felt meaningful in a serious or spiritual way, and that is making this harder to let go. It's been extremely difficult to let go of the pain and use it towards positive growth - I find myself ideating revenge fantasies, of her crawling back and me turning her down, of wishing her unimaginable pain to match what I've been through. The pain of being jilted.

 

Granted, I've been actively trying to foster change in my life, from working harder to being more open-minded and social to exercising like a man possessed to writing down my angst in lyrics or journal entries religiously. These things help to a small degree, but the footprint she left feels so tangible and visceral to the point where I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do affirmations or try to live well without her.

 

Sob story aside, the moral of the story here to any heartbroken dumpees, whether male or female, is that anything short of NC only prolongs and deepens the pain. Nothing is ever black and white, and you may feel that you owe it to your ex or the relationship to gain closure, clarification, but I can tell you that after two months of pissing around, trying to revive a dead horse that I've beaten to death, trying to "understand" has only been regressive and ultimately, that much more hurtful. Each day is its own battle, but the emotional lows are more few and far-between than they were before. You might feel like you're at death's door, or are pleading for a reprieve in any form, but I want to tell you that it does get better. Not better as in "things are back to normal, carry on as usual," but better as in the clouds begin to part, even if it's at a snail's pace. Despite the fact that it's hard for me to see a life with anyone but her, even with how she's treated me, I know that feeling will pass in time, not unlike any other. There are other fish in the sea: the catch is that it might take a different kind of lure than the one I/you've been using to catch the rare species I'm after, and having the maturity and patience to follow through with that is the hardest part of all.

 

Solidarity and respect to all of those fighting the NC fight: yes, it's hell, but a kinder hell than demanding answers from the devil. 3 days of NC, and I feel more determined than ever. Thanks for giving me the space to do this, guys.

[IS IT Better late]

Well said my man!

 

I know your pain. I've made the same mistakes (short of sending) her an email. I've been unable to let her go b/c she made me feel so good when we were together.

 

 

I need to get back on the NC horse again.

 

As I'm writing this she just texted lol!!

[IronHorse]

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you sent that email is completely normal my friend. I mean you wonder how can something like this just end?

 

But you're doing the right thing. Focus on yourself, get jacked in the gym, find new hobbies and passions and know that the universe is always working to bring you and your future wife together.

 

Also, staying no contact is rough, I've been at it for a little over a month. In my case, she hasn't bothered contacting me at all, which sometimes leads me to wonder why? But I quickly shake that thought out of my head and try to head to the gym.

 

NC is hard, but every day gets a little easier and other women begin to peak your interest and you slowly gather courage to talk to them. NC takes time, stay strong, and use this forum to vent.

 

Just remember that everything happens for a reason and sometimes you can do everything right and things still go wrong. It's life. Life goes on. Enjoy it while you can.

[Skipper888]

i just broke NC... i feel like an idiot!!!! so mad at myself. she hasnt spoken to me for 4 days. She is trying hard not to contact me. I should respect her n her choice but grrrr just feels wrong.

 

I know a break n nc is needed for both of us but just hurts.

 

I msged ' r u happy babe'

 

i dont know why i did that all i know is im unhappy n she must be feelings similar.

[CelticGibson]

Men are natural problem solvers. We think that if we just have the chance that we can fix any and all issues that may be keeping us from getting back with our ex's. Unfortunately, some issues just cannot be fixed. They make up their own mind and go with what works or doesn't work for them and we just have to accept it. Breaking No Contact only serves to do two things: 1. to push her even further away to the point that you will never ever have a chance and 2. to keep us in constant purgatory.

 

No Contact give both parties space to think and work through the heightened emotions that result from a break up. It allows you to refocus your energies on your own recovery and, hopefully, you will begin to accept it and move on. If she misses you enough and has second thoughts, she will let you know otherwise her inaction is the all the answer you ever need. It's a hard pill to swallow realising that there is nothing you could do to change the outcome, no matter how great the relationship was. Somethings are just not meant to be.

[Skipper888]

yeah i agree i need to let her go and i was doing so well! just felt sad this morning

[Skipper888]

i feel really bad for doing so, she is probably so mad at me now, just so hard to let her go, she came back a few times but the LDR was too much, plus she wanted to enjoy the single life. She left twice

in the last 4 months after our original break up in feb. Its hard to believe that she is sticking to it and actually doesnt want to be with me

[vascularity]

NC is hard, but every day gets a little easier and other women begin to peak your interest and you slowly gather courage to talk to them. NC takes time, stay strong, and use this forum to vent.

 

That's another interesting fact of the matter - my attitude towards other girls fluctuates drastically, contingent on my mood on whatever given day. I started talking to a new girl that contacted me a week or two after I'd been broken up with, and it seemed to good to be true - my type, pretty cute, seemingly empathetic, the whole nine yards. Time and experience would later dispel this picture-perfect notion, but that's neither here nor there - she kissed me goodnight, much to my surprise, after drinks and dancing at the bar one night. Keep in mind this was a month ago or so now - although she's attractive to me, both in demeanor and physically, it felt so alien and weird to kiss another girl, like I was kissing a cadaver. It's that aspect that makes me question whether it's an issue of physical chemistry (which had previously seemed pretty damn fluid) or just switching gears to get used to a life in which I date other girls, because everything about it... just felt wrong. I used to feel like I was cheating for pursuing or flirting with other girls, but that wasn't even the root of this feeling - it just felt bad.

 

Since then, I've kinda chilled out on trying to actively pursue girls, but I'm optimistic for the future and still trying to entertain the notion of dating. It's more difficult than just that, though, as my libido seems to be intertwined with thoughts of my ex, and even getting turned on by another girl will often send me into a bitter, ex-hating rage. In that sense, I'm focusing more on making new friends and not making it purely about finding someone new to immediately replace her, because I can see myself setting up a very negative, callous validation cycle there. ****, that's how most people I know got into pickup (PUA), and that's not a road I intend to pursue ever again, haha. It's just not for me.

 

I almost see all of this as a catalyst for learning to be happy with my life on my own terms, and not attaching the concept of happiness or joy onto anyone or anything else. That's certainly a lofty concept, but it feels true to me, so I suppose the fact that this is a journey and not a quick fix means that it'll take a lot from here to where I'm going, and I just need to become content with the ride on my own terms.

[Skipper888]

i feel like contacting her.. To say sorry for things, like posting on facebook on my previous girl acquaintance that she hated. She probably saw it and hurt her a lot.

 

But then again she did leave me cause she had feelings for someone else and was confused and that was forever hurting me.

 

Then she went out camping with her friends and prob the guy she left me for but the weekend before that spent it with me making out and hanging out like a couple.

 

I just want to say sorry i didnt want to hurt her

[Skipper888]

yeah i know exactly what u mean. Its just really hard to accept that she wants nothing to do with me ever again. I never cheated, abused her or nothing i treated her like a princess. I really dont deserve this. I feel like she aint coning back cause i posted on some other girls post that she hated. But then again she emotionally cheated on me, left me cause she was confused, never told she wanted to try again even though we were in FC for 3 months after breakup even spending weekends together like we were a couple, then i find out she kissed some random at a club, goes camping and clubbing and to a festival with her friends n prob that guy she had feelings for ...

 

writing all that down really shows what type of person she is. Im smart, funny, attractive, nice and she through me away like nothing to pursue a different life. Hurts a lot. She does all those things all the while still texting, calling me givibg me hope we will get back together. I could never trust her and she never tried to gain my trust. Why do i still feel like its my fault??

[Skipper888]

yeah i know things will pass and i will eventually get over things but its hard to want to. Fair enough we had a very LDR but thats what makes it so hard cause when we were together it was amazing and even she said that, she just got sick of feeling depressed when i left to go back home and she eventually found something to take that feeling away.

 

But you are right she has made her decision n i cant change that. Just really really sucks because im not one for being in a relationship i tend to only get into one if i feel like im going to be in them forever and could spend the rest of my life with eachother. Its not my first relationship but probably my first serious serious one that had a future but our careers got in the way i guess.

[Skipper888]

yeah you are right. Guess people just fall out of love or find someone better. Nothing i can do