I'm So Destroyed

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Once upon a time I was confident and self respecting. I met a girl in a green dress in a coffee shop, and we talked for hours.

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. If I hadn't, these events would've never happened. I would still have my family.

 

I hate to say this cliche from these websites..... But Man up please..... You two have not been together a long long time, no biological children (they were at least 6-8 when you met) and you have done well career wise (tripled your salary).

 

Start living your life, hit the gym, do activities you want, catch up on shows (Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Homeland, Breaking Bad), watch NBA, NHL, MLB, hunt, fish, camp, hike, golf, read......... Start running again and download podcasts (like me).

 

Get over it or take it in baby steps and let her come crawling back to you.... Heck you were barely having sex and she was consumed in her running...... What kind of life was that?

[aliveagain]

The best form of revenge is to live an amazing life without them, they hate it when your successful and happy in spite of what they told others about you. Remember, most people who have affairs usually downgrade, they look for someone with more problems than themselves so they can feel better about themselves. You are so much better than her, I feel so bad for her children, I hope you continue to find room in your heart for them, none of this is their fault.

[genilyn]

hi Murph,

 

That happen to me too, the good thing is we are not yet married..

but it really hurts me.. i come to the point that i will kill myself ..

but time heals someday you will find someone better ..

 

better move on don't let the situation ruin you..

 

you deserve someone better..

 

so sorry about what happen..

[BetrayedH]

Once upon a time I was confident and self respecting. I met a girl in a green dress in a coffee shop, and we talked for hours.

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. If I hadn't, these events would've never happened. I would still have my family.

 

It truly is only a matter of time before that man returns. Like you, my ego and self-worth was crushed by being discarded like a piece of trash. But given time, you will start to understand (in the deepest depths of your soul) that your wife's affair(s) had NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with something broken within HER. It's not the faithful and upstanding husband and father with the problem; it's on the wayward wife that dropped a nuke on her husband and family. It may take her years to acknowledge what she's done. More likely, she may never acknowledge it and just continue to live in self-denial and surround herself with people that also lack integrity and help her pretend it's all normal and ok. Ugh. Release yourself from that prison.

 

The last stage of grief is acceptance. But once you get there, you will start looking at life completely differently. You have an opportunity to begin again, to start in a fresh direction. And as Janesays has indicated, you'll be grateful to be free of what would have unfolded into a miserable marriage.

[jnj express]

hey murph-----almost everyone of your posts---besides talking about your wife's cheating---TALK ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE, AND WHAT THEY THINK

 

Why do you give a rat's a*s, what anyone else thinks about ANYTHING

 

Your world revolves around you, it is run by you, for you----not one of these people who you are so worried about, will ever, in the long run, do what is needed for you---YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS NEEDED FOR YOU

 

So you put a crappy post on facebook---if your world revolves around facebook, and all its devotees, THEN BUD YOU ARE IN REAL TROUBLE

 

Who cares if you put a whole in the wall, and destroyed a picture---IT IS NOT ANYONE ELSE'S BUSINESS----you certainly were entitled to a reaction after finding out the woman you have loved/given your life to/took vows with/raised a family with---SPREAD HER LEGS FOR ANOTHER MAN---there are a lot worse reactions to cheating than yours

 

All this has happened w/in the 1st 2 yrs of your mge---when spouses are still in that starry eyed, there is no one else in the world state of mind----

 

Your so called wife, is out cheating, and running 26 miles here there and everywhere, and on your dime---Unless your wife is an elite runner and competing for prize money, or Olympic status---her running, should take a backseat, if a mge is at stake----she chose to run, as opposed to working on her mge-----you know where she is, and it ain't with you

 

Its time to leave, stop with the tears, get your D., and go out into the world--

 

-did you know that there are thousands, upon thousands of good women out there who would love to have a good man----did you know that---its really true---put your self respect/esteem back on, and stand up straight and tall, and DO FOR YOURSELF

[BeholdtheMan]

Once upon a time I was confident and self respecting. I met a girl in a green dress in a coffee shop, and we talked for hours.

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. If I hadn't, these events would've never happened. I would still have my family.

 

People make mistakes in life. At least you've accepted that you've lost your dignity. Your most urgent goal in life now it to regain self-respect. You can easily do this by divorcing your wife and moving on.

 

No more tearful breakdowns. Now is the time to man up. Readjust your priorities. This is about walking away with dignity, not about trying to coax back your remorseless wife

[karnak]

Do not let the actions of another define you-

This sounds odd, but I know four tri-athlete women and they are ALL cheaters- I have no idea what the connection is-maybe the high, maybe the same trait that allows them to spend some much time on their body and their goal is the same one that allows them to only think of themselves- I have no idea-

We have a friend that was married to two different women, both high level competitors and both cheated- so odd

 

My best friend is married to a "jogging maniac" and athletics fanatic.

Interestingly enough, she has all the traits of most cheaters: a narcisist personality, she thinks she knows everything, likes to give an oppinion about anything, very strict morality girl, inflexible, bossy, likes to show off, etc.

 

She treats most people around her like ****. Yet she always showed a "special attention" towards me. I never reciprocated, though.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I hate when threads go cold..... He has ust disappeared at the most crucial juncture and we are left to wonder if all is okay.

 

Yes I'm selfish, but want to know what's happaning.

[murphomatic]

I'm still here.. divorce is officially filed on Tuesday. I'm out running an event this weekend...yay for me doing something for myself.

 

Trying to smile.

[murphomatic]

I will post some more when I get back home. You guys are very sweet to be concerned.

[HopingAgain]

I will post some more when I get back home. You guys are very sweet to be concerned.

 

That is awesome you are doing something positive for yourself! Keep up the good work!

[runningfar]

Unfortunately, I know quite a few people who do the lots of marathon thing (50 state club and maniacs) since they have quite a bit of crossover with the ultra community at least in the northwest---- and there are a lot of affairs going on with it.

 

She definitely doesn't seem to feel sorry.

 

Sorry you are going through this. I know it must be worse with kids you consider yours but don't have legal right to. Good luck.

[murphomatic]

I've heard this from several people now - that folks that are in these clubs are frequent philanderers, or at least know people who are. I wonder if there's some correlation between the struggle they push for in their fitness, the endorphin release they experience together, and the need to jump each other's bones..? It's all very odd to me in the sense that from what I'm hearing, none of them seem to have any effing moral fiber ... at all.

 

So I spend the better part of the weekend out running with friends, and we had a great time. I spent a lot of time steeling my resolve to give up my wife, and move on with my life. I will have a relationship with the kids moving forward as she's agreeable to that, and I got to see and spend several hours with them this last Sunday ... and that was heavenly.

 

It seems that now, my wife is actually starting to feel and show remorse when I speak to her. She still lays a lot of blame on me, but states that there is nothing I did that would justify what she did. Her blame always is rooted in what she views as insecurities and lack of trust on my part; that she "went ahead and committed the crime that she was already serving the sentence for," which frankly I think is a bunch of BS. While her coldness toward me over the last year certainly piqued my suspicions, and I DID ask her on several occasions if there was someone else in her life (which she denied - even when their was), she saw me as being always suspicious and distrusting of her, which I guess isn't always odd .. it's often the guilty person who feels as though they're constantly being judged.

 

Anyway - she said to me yesterday that she wanted to work on things and see if this was possible to fix....that she'd like to go to a counselor together. I'm not exactly sure what to think of this as I obviously question her motives all over the place, and have basically zero trust for her. It pisses me off that I've spent the last couple weeks basically grieving the life I once had, and now that I've finally got the divorce petition drafted and ready to submit to the court, she tells me she wants to figure this out... uhhh... WHAT?

 

Grrr... I know she has to be messing with me. I know it has to be some sort of manipulation. But then again - part of me WANTS to believe her ... but my trust in her has been so shattered.

 

Anyway - I'm emotionally exhausted.... :/

[karnak]

Hang in there buddy.

 

Take things slowly. You have wonderful people on this forum who want to help you in some way. But the final decision will always be in your hands.

 

You've been hurt. Badly. And you have the right to take some time to heal, meditate and reflect.

 

Be good to yourself, Murph.

[dichotomy]

Stay firm. She is not truly remorseful and shifting blame. Of course she stopped screwing the other guy right? Ya right! Bet she had a fun weekend with him when she was out of town at the race. Even if she was 100 percent accountable and remorseful it would be difficult to save the marriage. Proceed with the divorce.

 

Be prepared that she will likely play games with access to her kids sometime. You will have no rights legally to compel visitation.

[murphomatic]

I DID ask her yesterday if she was still in contact with the OM ... since he lives on the other side of the country, she's not able to exactly stroll over to his place. She told me that she sent him a message yesterday stating that should wasn't going to talk to him anymore. She also states that he's going to be moving to Europe soon, so he's going to be far away (I think this is likely bullsh~t he laid on her to make her panties wet).

 

I want to believe this is the case, that she has really severed contact with him ... but again, I don't know that I really trust her.

 

She is still actively hanging on to my momentary outing of her affair on Facebook too... she very much holds that against me, says that it took a bad situation and made it worse, and that it is going to make all this very difficult to fix. She's very worried about what people think of her and is considering moving to a different county. I still feel, that while classless/tasteless in nature, what I did should be granted some latitude.

 

Anyway .. I know it's all just a re-hash of everything I've stated already. I'm so tired.. I haven't slept or eaten much in the last 14 days.

[Spark1111]

I've heard this from several people now - that folks that are in these clubs are frequent philanderers, or at least know people who are. I wonder if there's some correlation between the struggle they push for in their fitness, the endorphin release they experience together, and the need to jump each other's bones..? It's all very odd to me in the sense that from what I'm hearing, none of them seem to have any effing moral fiber ... at all.

 

So I spend the better part of the weekend out running with friends, and we had a great time. I spent a lot of time steeling my resolve to give up my wife, and move on with my life. I will have a relationship with the kids moving forward as she's agreeable to that, and I got to see and spend several hours with them this last Sunday ... and that was heavenly.

 

It seems that now, my wife is actually starting to feel and show remorse when I speak to her. She still lays a lot of blame on me, but states that there is nothing I did that would justify what she did. Her blame always is rooted in what she views as insecurities and lack of trust on my part; that she "went ahead and committed the crime that she was already serving the sentence for," which frankly I think is a bunch of BS. While her coldness toward me over the last year certainly piqued my suspicions, and I DID ask her on several occasions if there was someone else in her life (which she denied - even when their was), she saw me as being always suspicious and distrusyting of her, which I guess isn't always odd .. it's often the guilty person who feels as though they're constantly being judged.

 

Anyway - she said to me yesterday that she wanted to work on things and see if this was possible to fix....that she'd like to go to a counselor together. I'm not exactly sure what to think of this as I obviously question her motives all over the place, and have basically zero trust for her. It pisses me off that I've spent the last couple weeks basically grieving the life I once had, and now that I've finally got the divorce petition drafted and ready to submit to the court, she tells me she wants to figure this out... uhhh... WHAT?

 

Grrr... I know she has to be messing with me. I know it has to be some sort of manipulation. But then again - part of me WANTS to believe her ... but my trust in her has been so shattered.

 

Anyway - I'm emotionally exhausted.... :/

 

Murp, this is actually quite normal....she is still foggy and blameshifting and if she mentioned your reaction to her FBuddy...chances are he grew distant as in, oops, party over and now she senses she is losing her soft landing with him and you are serving her with D papers.

 

good job! I am proud that you had the confidence to make sharp shift changes and do what is BEST for you!

 

take a good, long, hard, slow wait 'n see about her......FOCUS ON YOU. And keep moving FORWARD.

 

If, over time, her actions consistently match her words, MAYBE, you will give her a shot, maybe not. That includes counseling IF you sense she REALLY wants you and not What you PROVIDE for her.

 

keep living your life out loud.

[murphomatic]

keep living your life out loud.

Best. Quote. Ever.

[2sunny]

Did you file the divorce papers today?

[Spark1111]

I DID ask her yesterday if she was still in contact with the OM ... since he lives on the other side of the country, she's not able to exactly stroll over to his place. She told me that she sent him a message yesterday stating that should wasn't going to talk to him anymore. She also states that he's going to be moving to Europe soon, so he's going to be far away (I think this is likely bullsh~t he laid on her to make her panties wet).

 

I want to believe this is the case, that she has really severed contact with him ... but again, I don't know that I really trust her.

 

She is still actively hanging on to my momentary outing of her affair on Facebook too... she very much holds that against me, says that it took a bad situation and made it worse, and that it is going to make all this very difficult to fix. She's very worried about what people think of her and is considering moving to a different county. I still feel, that while classless/tasteless in nature, what I did should be granted some latitude.

 

Anyway .. I know it's all just a re-hash of everything I've stated already. I'm so tired.. I haven't slept or eaten much in the last 14 days.

 

On DDay, after I refrained from smashing every coffee cup in the diner I demanded he meet me at....when I told him he had to leave, be with his soulmate, and I was moving on.....the first text out of his phone was....ready for this?

 

Please don't tell anyone.

 

I told the world...family, some trusted friends, my counselor, and the kids? Already knew or suspected. ( That HURT!)

 

know what he was angry about for the longest time? yep! You guessed it. That I told people. NOT that he did it, but that I TOLD people.

 

As long as he had that stance, there was NO WAY I would reconcile with him because it proved he did NOT GET IT!

 

like a child, I had to KEEP reminding him what I found,what it felt like to make that discovery, and how I no longer wanted to be married to someone who could do that to me! Until HE GOT IT.

 

I HAD TO KEEP saying to him, imagine every call, text, sext, tryst, sneak, plan, I DOING TO YOU AS YOU DID TO ME. YOU would not be here today, yes?

 

 

If she doesn't GET IT, keep moving forward. It's all you can do.

[murphomatic]

On DDay, after I refrained from smashing every coffee cup in the diner I demanded he meet me at....when I told him he had to leave, be with his soulmate, and I was moving on.....the first text out of his phone was....ready for this?

 

Please don't tell anyone.

THAT is it. That is the biggest issue I have here. She knows what she did was wrong, but her perspective of things and their respective magnitudes of "wrong" are all messed up. She tells me that we may not be able to fix this because I told everyone. I tell her that "no - we may not be able to fix this because YOU SCREWED ANOTHER MAN." She really doesn't seem to get it. Spark - did your husband ever finally "get it"?

 

2sunny - I reviewed the petition today that my attorney drafted. She was ready to file it today, but I told her to do it one week from today. I'm going to go to a counseling session with my wife later this week, and I'm curious how that will go. I'm hoping she makes some radical discoveries, but I'm not expecting her to. We'll see what comes out of it. The more I think about it, the more I think I should've just let my attorney file the petition. I suppose if my wife has some sort of radical epiphany, I can always drop the case. Good Lord, this sucks.

[Confused48]

I reviewed the petition today that my attorney drafted. She was ready to file it today, but I told her to do it one week from today. I'm going to go to a counseling session with my wife later this week, and I'm curious how that will go. I'm hoping she makes some radical discoveries, but I'm not expecting her to. We'll see what comes out of it. The more I think about it, the more I think I should've just let my attorney file the petition. I suppose if my wife has some sort of radical epiphany, I can always drop the case. Good Lord, this sucks.

 

This is ridiculously weak! File. What does that change? You have the power. Turn the tables now. I can't believe what I read here. You are not even trying to decide whether to make a D official by signing the final papers. You are debating whether or not to take the first baby step in that direction. How weak.

 

You WW will see this as weak and feel empowered. You are shooting yourself in the foot. File! Proceed. Get divorced even. As fast as you can. If at any point your WW proved beyond any doubt that she has become a different person, you can change your mind. Even if you are already officially divorced. You could allow her to share your life without the benefit of marriage. If she were to be truly repentant and willing to prove it by remaining faithful to you without the legal benefit of marriage.

[Imsohurt]

Facebook passion crime...epic. My husband of 14 years has been having a 3 year affair. I am hurt and disappointed. He continues to still cheat, he blames me for his infidelity. Don't let her blame u. It's her fault, not urs. There is no reason 4 her to break her bobs 2 her husband. If she was unhappy she should have let u know, then divorced u if it still did not work.

[murphomatic]

This is ridiculously weak! File. What does that change? You have the power. Turn the tables now. I can't believe what I read here. You are not even trying to decide whether to make a D official by signing the final papers. You are debating whether or not to take the first baby step in that direction. How weak.

 

You WW will see this as weak and feel empowered. You are shooting yourself in the foot. File! Proceed. Get divorced even. As fast as you can. If at any point your WW proved beyond any doubt that she has become a different person, you can change your mind. Even if you are already officially divorced. You could allow her to share your life without the benefit of marriage. If she were to be truly repentant and willing to prove it by remaining faithful to you without the legal benefit of marriage.

This is fair sentiment - and I agree. Thanks for this...seriously.

[BetrayedH]

You've gotten fantastic advice from fantastic, veteran posters on this whole page. You can't pay for this kind of advice, Murph.

 

As is the norm, you are getting into a little more of a power position now that her world is falling apart. You are respecting yourself and moving on while she has neither her OM or you. She wants to manage the damage. She wants to manage you. And if throwing you a few crumbs can slow down your filing, she's fine with continuing to lie and manipulate you to make it happen. Just like Furious said, her continual focus on what you did shows that she still doesn't get it.

 

Don't slow down on filing or moving forward with the divorce until you start hearing all of the right words AND seeing all of the right actions.