d day no. . . I lose count

[olwen]

Been with H for 18years. Have had hard times but always been a watertight unit. No ifidelity on either part until two years ago. An ex contacted h on fb and he chased after sending many messages. When she replied things got very flirty, she sensibly accepted his compliments and changed the subject. The messaging then stopped when he realised she was not going to respond to his advances. I forgave this pretty quickly as at the time i was not giving him much attention as i was going through health problems of my own.

 

Then in Feb this year H started acting distant, angry and hurtful towards me. He started mentioning name of new woman in his bosses office. I thought maybe he had a crush but it was his beahviour that was bothering me. It was all stuff like sayin he deserved fun and freedom and he didn't know how he felt about me, his head was in a mess etc. Then he asked for a break, i agreed but he changed his mind. Seemed to sort his head out and things were good. Then he brought her home for me to do her nails, i thought they were just colleagues.

 

When she was here (she stayed all afternoon into the evening!) she kept dropping hints about how she knew everything about me and the problems in our relationship. I actually told her i was a bit jealous h was working with a woman and she told me she was actually gay but didn't tell men she works wih as 'they all want 3somes' she also told me h was her boss and she worked under him. I knew nothing of this. She then told me she likes realtionships with men for the emotional side of things not sex. She was hanging round H like a limpet and stormed out upset when he wasn't paying her attention. he clearly did not want her in house.

 

Over next few days h slowly admitted they were best friends, he had feelings for her, was unsure how he felt about me, they had sent a 'few' texts etc. a few days later i asked to see his phone. All messages deleted. I asked for the password to the phone acccount, he didn't know it. Next morning i wake up to an email saying the account password AND email address had been changed. I got the details and found he had sent 750 texts to her in 6 weeks. I tried to commit suicide and was unconscious for 24 hours in hospital. He was closing all our accounts and shutting me out of his life he was horrible to me and i just could not cope.

 

A few weeks went by and i forgave him as he explained it all away as friendship and him going through a bad patch. He admitted it was an ea and said he regretted it bitterly but a lot of the texting was because every time he tried to stop it the atmosphere at work became unbearable. So he thought it wasier just to text as a friend and keep the peace. Apparently she initiated texting at lead 70% on the time and it was never flirty or sexual.

 

Then H found my dad dead in bed in his home. I was/am devastated. HE dealt with everything from id the body to the funeral. He was amazing.

 

Then i got thrush pretty badly, my mouth was full of sores I have never had thrush before. We put it down to stress and i assumed when h got it he had got it from me. I get treated fully but h only got a gel for his mouth and he seemed to be clear but obviously not, all is fine until i get it again.

 

At this point i explain to him he must be carrying it and passing it to me. He says how did he get it and i asked for the thousandth time did he have any physical contact with her. He then admitted they had kissed twice in one day back at the beginning of the affair. He said he couldn't tell me before cos i couldn't take it. I said why do it then! He has no idea why. First kiss was a peck as they passed each other at work and he can't explain what mae him do it as he didn't even fancy her. Then in the afternoon he kissed her again, about a 3 second tender kiss. No tongues. They both agreed it felt wrong and decided never to mention it again.

 

On finding this out i text her. She said they only ever had a superficial friendship and those non event kisses and they don't even speak anymore and thats how she wants to keep it and she hoped we could move on from it as it was all a stupid mess that got out of hand. H admitted she had him covering her jobs at work, filling her car up for her (she plays the bimbo, oh i don't know how to do it - blech!) Yet she showed no physical interest purely the texting wish I know from personal experience she can text round the clock easily. She sent me a good dozen in one day when i said i would do her nails. I think she just wanted the attention and an easy time at work.

 

H admits he was a fool and is devatated about the whole thing. He says he was down about our problems and when she arrived in the office it was a breath of fresh air and he was attracted by her confidence and how they watched all the same shows and movied. He got realxed with her and one day just kissed her. He doesn't know why unless it was cos he was vaguely considering that he might leave me so took the chance of a stolen kiss to see what it felt like. He drew no conclusions from the first but he said he felt sick after the second kiss. I twas all wrong cos i wasn't me. They both agreed instantly never again and thats why he didn't tell me. He kept the texting up to keep ther sweet at work,

 

They still work together but both have told me they don't evenspeak unless its to do with work. He rings me on his breaks (which is when they kisses) and he comes home at lunch. He has also told his boss about the ea. He closed his fb account as that's how he flirted with his ex that one time only and how his assistant started contactin him.. What kills me is i saw those first messages and warned him she was a game player and the messages sounded a bit flirty. He assured me nothing was going on but within a week of that they had kissed.

 

He is completely broken and regrets his actions bitterly. I have full access to all phone accounts,emails etc. He has asked for a period of time where we live under the same roof for our little boys sake and so i can have some help re my health problems and we will be platonic friends for a while when he sorts his head out and figures out why he did it so he never does it again. I would forgive him now cos i love him so much but he doesn't want me too. he wants to do this and then win me back when he can prove he has changed. He hates her now, even told her she had better get tested for thrush as he thinks he picked it up from kissing her. He has also told her she has destroyed our marriage because she is so blase about it. She is not interested, didn't even bat an eyelid when i od'd. She really is a game playng bunny boiler, she has moved on to other men in the office now.

 

I just can't get the image of them kissing out of my head. Every time i shut my eyes there it is. To make matters worse when going through my late dads photos we found a lovely one of us kissing outside h's work. We were both overwhelmed by the memories and loved the photo. Until i realised that what he did with her, outside the same workplace was basically a reenactment of our kiss in the first few days we were together. I can't look at it now.

 

Also h admits he hasn't let himself feel his love for me for 2years. He says he put a wall up and has been selfish and hankering after no responsibilities etc. He is going through mid life crisis and is obsessed with his motorbike. He wants to take time to sort his priorities out and then come back emotionally as well as physically and see if i will take him back. We are staying in the house together and sharing repsonsibilities but having no physical contact and little talking. It's like he is punishing himself. He says he doesn't deserve to have me in his life at the moment but he won't leave me to cope alone because of my health issues. He does however need time to think. He wants to sort his head out so he can show me how much he loves me and to understand how he could cheat so he never does it again.

 

It all just feels too much and i don't know how much longer i can cope. I certainly couldn'tt handle yet another d day.

 

is he genuine, shold i trust him. Could you forgive this sort of ea. PLease any advice/opinions would be gratefull received.

 

X

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, you already posted about this - at length - and received some very good advice, here.

 

Sadly, you don't seem to have followed it.

 

You need to file for divorce and kick this guy out.

It's the same, old same-old.

 

It's a waste of time for you to keep rehashing this, because all you're doing is simply venting and keeping yourself stuck in limbo, picking at your wounds.

 

You have to stop giving your strength away to him, and find a good lawyer and file for divorce.

he's a cruel bully and a cheater.

 

Get rid of him.

You don't need him.

he's toxic, malevolent, spiteful and a nasty piece of work.

 

You heard it here again.

 

First.

[BetrayedH]

He has trickle-truthed you and is still doing so. Are they 12 year-olds that just hold hands and kiss? Does that seem realistic to you? The fact isthat when cheaters have a PA, they take a huge risk and they don't do it for just a kiss; they typically go all-in for wild-monkey sex. Thinking your situation isthe exception is the rule.

 

Meant gently, you need to deal with your social anxiety so that you're not so desperate to believe what this unfaithful man is telling you. Even now he's only half committed to you and that will be his rationalization for continuing to play single while he's married. In his mind, he's still "trying not to hurt you" by being dishonest with you about what he's done and continuing to do.

 

Get all the help you can so you have other options than accepting this. Your social anxiety has you feeling locked into a bad situation. You must realize that this anxiety is all in your head and master it so you can escape this situation and begin your second life.